text messages

[missbrittanyy]

okay, me and my boyfriend BOTH have a tendency to go through eachothers cell phones. his reaction to me hanging out with, texting, or recieving a text from a guy is.. "what the f' am i not good enough for you, there is no such thing as a guy friend" etc.. i've never cheated on him, and he's never read innaproprate text messages in my phone.. however, i've come accross ones in his phone, that im sure he really would rather i didnt.. such as ones to his ex girlfriend and what not.. after that.. i told him it bothered me, adn his reply was "im friends with all of my ex's if i want to hang out wiht them im will so deal with it" .. unfortunately.. him hanging out with a girl he was engaged to.. whether they are friends or not.. still is a bother. but i "dealt with it" ..

 

we went camping and met this guy and all his friends, so we partied with them while we were camping.. and one of the guys.. the one me and my boyfriend hung out the most with.. was gonna make me a fake ID, so me and my boyfriend could come to calgary and party with him there, or he could come here, and him and my bf could actually take me to the bar.. so i had him on my msn.. and he told me that he "wanted me. but he liked my boyfriend too much so didnt know how to go about it" and i told him "well its probably good that you didnt go about it anyway cause i love my boyfriend" .. and my boyfriend knows about the conversation.. and last night my bestfriend texted me, and he's like "that better not be paul" and i was like "um.. its not.. jealous much" and hes like "i dont get jealous" and i was like "well what do you call it" and hes like "protecting my property" .. which really pissed me off.. so i was like "um excuse me? your property?" and he slike "well youre mine arent you" and i was like "yea.. but more like you're renting me, i can kick you out anytime" .. so then HE was mad at ME..

 

then this morning he got up and went to work, and left his phone at home.. and i wanted to kinda.. read to see if him and his ex were still talking the way they were before.. and i was like "no dont do it.. you're happy.. you guys are getting a long.. it's not worth it.. " .. but i did it.. him and his ex are talking appropriately now.. however there were like 3 knew numbers... and he doesnt put his chick friends numbers in his phone book, so its not like i knwo who they are.. but one inparticular was like "hey baby wanna hang out" and his were like "yeah im ready" and she's like "kay im on my way" then it was like "hey baby wanna come watch movies" and stuff like that..

 

im pretty popular for not having an opinion.. my boyfriend tells me "how it is" and i jjust leave it at that.. i've said something about it like once.. and told him our relationship was unfair, and he said "life isn't fair" .. and so again i left it alone, he was right.. life isnt fair, he's part of my life.. but now i've kinda gave up my patheticness, adn realized this isnt right.. why should i have all these rules. and boundries.. and what not when he does whatever he wants. i kinda wannna get the balls to have a talk with him and try and make him see. and understand.. he cant "protect his property" if i am not aloud to protect mine.

 

any suggestions on how i can talk to him with out sounding like a control freak, or that im trying to tell him what he can and cannot do.. or is this something even worth talking about.. this seems to be an ongoing problem.. mostly cause i dont speak up. and just take it.. and i want it to stop now, i need just a back bone, and the balls to tell him this isnt; right. i just need any suggestions yuo can give me.. good or bad

[CamaroJoe]

I'm going to be real blunt with this, i only read the last two paragraphs of your essay and I pretty much got the idea. And if you two can't trust eachother enough to not look at eachother's cell phones, then what is the point?

 

Also, if you don't have enough comofort in your relationship to talk to him about ANYTHING without feeling guilty or scared, then also, what is the point?

 

Don't misread what I'm trying to say. I think you two need to work on your communication and you need to let him know that it is not ok for him to be hanging out with his ex like that. Once you let someone do it once, they'll want to do it over and over.

 

It's like the old saying "You give someone an inch, then they're going to want a mile."

 

And if you do talk to him and he blows up, just remember there a plenty of guys out there looking. And that time heals all things. But as long as you keep giving in and not standing your ground, it's only going to get worse.

[lunatic]

I agree with CamaroJoe on this one. I also wanted to add "Don't be a Doormat" and stand up for what you believe in!

[missbrittanyy]

okay first of all thanks for your input.

 

secondly. i dont really think that time heals all. if it has for you. lucky .. but, like i am assuming, in most cases. i am going to be left with a piece of my heart. that's always going to be broken, and have love for him. i realize that if there is no trust or communication.. in a relationship.. then there isnt really anything.. im just constantly afraid of what people are going to say think or do about me. i also realize that if you let somebody get away with something once, they're gonna think they can get away with it again.. and that's why i've waken up and realized. this isnt how a relationship is supposed to be. i just dont know how to find it in me to stand up for my self.

[kellbell]

Hi Britanny!

 

I know you know in your heart you need to stand up for yourself and not take this. People will treat you as you LET them.

 

The reason you are finding it hard to stand up for yourself because his behavior and words are stripping your confidence and self-esteem. I do not think any talking to him about how you feel is going to do you any good. His words about how he sees you appears ingrained in his pysche, that women are property and need know whose boss. The longer you stay with him, the harder it is going to leave him and the worse you are going to feel.

 

I really encourage you to read this article written by Carver. It is an eye-opener.

 

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[CamaroJoe]

I know what you need to do. You need to find something you are good at and do it everyday. You need to go outside and get excersize because "excersize gives you endorfins and endorfins make you happy" - Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde.

 

You need to build up your self esteem and confidence. Work on yourself first, figure out who you are and what you want, only then will you find someone who TRULY appreciates you for you.

 

Also, i know how you are feeling. I felt the same way after my ex and I broke up about a year and a half ago. My stomach hurt, i didn't want to do anything, i couldn't eat or sleep, all i thought about was her.

 

But over time, it starts to wear off. Just trust me. Or better yet, just experience it yourself. Experience is the only way for someone to understand.

 

But I hope you chose to deal with your situation in what way is best for you and not for someone else. And I hope it all works out the way you want it to..

 

And remember.....

 

What does not kill you will only make you stronger.

[missbrittanyy]

Hi Britanny!

 

I know you know in your heart you need to stand up for yourself and not take this. People will treat you as you LET them.

 

The reason you are finding it hard to stand up for yourself because his behavior and words are stripping your confidence and self-esteem. I do not think any talking to him about how you feel is going to do you any good. His words about how he sees you appears ingrained in his pysche, that women are property and need know whose boss. The longer you stay with him, the harder it is going to leave him and the worse you are going to feel.

 

I really encourage you to read this article written by Carver. It is an eye-opener.

 

link removed

 

your advise has always been benificial to me. except i am my own worst enemy... and i do things. or let him do things, just so i dont lose him. cause a lot of the time I AM HAPPY. and a lot of the time it seems like he's happy and he loves me more then the world itself.. and then with in a couple days its like something triggers him, and things are all of a suddenly comepletly changed.. its like..he loves me, but doesnt want to.. so tries not to. i dont know how to explan it.. i dont know if anything im saying makes sense. but i love him so much and i just want things to change and work out between us more than anything

[missbrittanyy]

i read that article and there are things that we're both more than guilty of.. i gues we;re both "the loser"

[kellbell]

Thank you Britanny.

 

I know how you feel. I felt like that about a guy years ago. I sacrificed everything to be with him, made him my happiness and tricked myself into believing I loved him. But I learned the hard way that one has to be happy with him/herself first before anything else. A person should enhance or enrich your life...not BE your life.

 

Britanny, I have a real problem with a person whom feels another person is his/her property and try to keep a person caged up like that. It is wrong. Very very wrong and the fact your BF is so unfront about it is very disheartning.

 

You should be able to love yourself enough to walk away from this treatment. It all starts from the inside. If you feel yucky about yourself...then those are the kinds of people you are going to attract. No guy like him would ever want to be in the likes of a confident and assertive person. I am sure you are usually like that but this guy is stripping those qualities away from you. No human being has the right to do to another person and you should not allow for that to happen. You have every right to be happy and be treated with love and respect. Not like this, not like your BF is treating you.

 

I am very doubtful he will ever change. You CAN stand up for yourself...as hard as it is, easier said than done...just walk away and never look back. Then you can focus on what you want to do and what makes you truly happy.

 

(((hugs)))

[kellbell]

Girl, you are NOT a loser. I think his behavior may bring out some of bad out of you. But now you know where the issues lie and this is the opportunity to make changes and know what you can work on.

[missbrittanyy]

so would it make me naive and stupid. to try and stand up for my self, and see if it works

[kellbell]

"would it make me naive and stupid. to try and stand up for my self, and see if it works"

 

I am not sure what you mean by this. You are not stupid and naive. We all make mistakes...believe me, I have made plenty. But the beauty of life is that we are able to learn from them, get a second chance, learn and grow from them. Humans are constantly learning, it is a never ending part of life, it does not matter if a person is 12 or 80.

[lunatic]

You are not stupid and naive. We all make mistakes...believe me, I have made plenty. But the beauty of life is that we are able to learn from them, get a second chance, learn and grow from them. Humans are constantly learning, it is a never ending part of life, it does not matter if a person is 12 or 80.

 

Kelly states it the best right here! I feel the day I stop learning from my stupidity is the day I am being laid to rest!

 

live and learn!

[missbrittanyy]

i just mean.. would it be a bad decission to first of all try and be a head strong person and talk to him and tell him how i feel..

 

or should i just say screw it

[lunatic]

I don't ever feel it is a bad decision to stick up for yourself and what you believe in. I think you have put up with enough of his crap at this point that it is in your best interest in standing up for yourself.

 

Don't be a doormat because no one will ever respect you if you let them walk all over you.

[kellbell]

Oh now I see what you mean. Like, after all this time you were one way would be worth it to do it another way kind of thing?

 

Usually it takes that one morning when you wake up and you have that "eurika" moment and everything falls into place. You may have experienced that already. But it is never too late to stand up for yourself and to do what is right for YOU!

[Momene]

I think it's time for you to move on. This guy could become dangerous.