Happy with me, but still holding on to feelings for his first love?

[alyssajones]

I need a little advice and the only person I want to talk to about it right now passed away recently, so I don't know who to turn to... I hope someone here can help.

 

The short: We have been together for over a year, recently bought a place together, and are headed for marriage and to share our lives together. Recently found out he still has feelings for his first love, although still wants to be with me. What would you do? I want to give him time but I'm finding the whole situation very hard on me...

 

---

 

The long:

My boyfriend and I have known each other for a couple years, and our friendship grew into a romantic relationship -- we started seeing each other on a more serious basis beginning of last year.

 

At the time, we were both also looking to buy our own places, and after much discussion, decided we were ready to purchase together, which we did this past January. I know it does seem a bit soon, I'd be the first to criticize the decision if it was a friend of mine doing the same. However we are both confident in each other and our plans for the future, and the second factor I don't need to explain if you've ever tried to purchase a home in today's market!

 

We had talked about marriage in the next year or two, starting a family after that. Both of us had similar goals/values, and it was all progressing well. We are both in our mid-late 20's.

 

3 weeks ago, his dad passed away suddenly. I am thankful for all the family support, and to be able to do the same for them. His dad was always so good to me, treated me like the daughter-in-law he knew I was going to be. I felt close to him, and it has been a pretty rough time.

 

Through this event, we have talked a lot lately, and in our discussions of who we need to let know about his father's passing, we talked about a girl we'll call Lisa, who up until now I had dismissed as more of an old friend of his than anything else.

 

Lisa and my bf have known each other for about 7 years. At first they tried getting together a couple times (and did for a couple weeks even) but it never really worked out because they were both busy people. They stayed friends instead all these years, which I can value as anyone I am still friends with after 7 years is so for a reason!

 

When I asked him if he had let her know yet, he told me he couldn't bear to talk with her right now because it'd have to be some big long e-mail. Alarms went off in my head. While we had talked about what happened, I understood he was still processing the event and we hadn't overly discussed feelings beyond sadness about it all. But he made it out like he working towards pouring his heart out to someone else, while not even thinking to talk to me?

 

They don't e-mail often, and there was the odd phone call once in a while to say hello. We had our housewarming recently to which he invited her to come. When she didn't show up, he mentioned it and seemed a little disappointed. A couple days after it, she e-mailed asking for the date of the housewarming, and he realized he didn't send it! I could swear I saw his heart drop a bit in disappointment. I jokingly teased him but brushed off the small jealousy because I knew dwelling would only make me turn into that evil-jealous monster we all know about!

 

Whenever I thought I saw her emotionally affect him in the past, that's what I usually did, jokingly tease him a bit and then leave it alone. You know how you can see when someone's heart drop at bad news, or eyes light up at the sound of a desired voice? I thought he was doing it but I didn't want to be making something out of what could be my imagination so I kept ignoring it.

 

As we talked he told me he still has feelings for her. She was the first girl he kissed 7 years ago, the first love of his life, I guess. Despite the feelings for her, he said didn't want to be with her anymore, he wants to be with me. I let him know I didn't feel it was really fair to be with me and carry feelings for someone else, and that if he needed time to get over her I wanted to be able to give it to him. I didn't know what else to do. He also 'fessed up and told me that he though of her a couple times before, usually if we were having a disagreement of some sort. He thought of her in a "what if.." scenario.

 

What really hurts is that no matter what has happened I have not thought of anyone else to be with me in the journey of our lives. I respect his decision to be honest with me about his feelings now, though I only wish he had done so before we bought a place. He says his father's passing has encouraged him to want to be honest with me, hopefully to build a stronger relationship. I suppose better now than after we're married. At this point it's done and needs to be dealt with.

 

I know that it took me about 4 years to get over my first love. I know that it isn't something you do, it's just something that happens over time. But I feel that our relationship today has halted and cannot continue until I know he is over her.

 

What do I do? I am still feeling very hurt but I know he and I both want to work through this so we can get on with our life plans.

 

Thank you all in advance.

[Aschleigh]

Unfortunately I think the only thing to do is let him process it all at the speed he is willing to do it. There's really nothing you can do. Perhaps some couple's counseling would help, especially if you think you are headed for marriage, you might bring up some pre-marital counseling just to make sure you two on on the same page about your relationship. Other than that it's really his deal to deal with. Trust that he will tell you what he needs to tell you when he needs to tell you. Be patient.

[Momene]

He probably has romantic memories of his first love but knows that, in reality, neither of them are still the same people after all these years.

 

Quite honestly, if my wife and I have a row, the last thing I do is consider the possibility of being with someone else instead, as I'd imagine rowing with them instead.

 

I will 'fess up though and say I've been superficially attracted to other girls since I've been married and had the odd crush but never followed it up.

[itsallgrand]

It doesn't sound like they are merely old friends. It sounds like one of those situations, where you love someone through many many years, and it never really 'takes off the air' into a full-blown relationship. I know what that is like! No matter who you are with, you always have that other person as a thought in your mind, you still talk when you can/it's appropriate, and you still have it open as an option in your heart.

That's is until you fall in love. Then you reach a point where you know: I must leave that behind to love my SO the way they deserve.

 

Lots of things could happen now. I am glad he is talking to you about it, and you two have the chance to work it through. I'm guessing his father's passing, and the fact that your relationship has become serious, is prompting him to a crossroads:

Does he finally leave Lisa behind as a love that never came to pass into a full-blown love affair?

Or does he need to to find out for himself, by being with her once and for all, if they can work out?

 

Seems like a no-brainer considering the life you two have together. Unfortunately, life and love can be unpredictable. It doesn't always make sense.

 

Being in love and commited to you: it has brought this to a head.

He realizes he can not have both: Continue a life with you, and hold on to his hopes with Lisa.

 

I suppose there is not much you can do at this point except stand by him and be very open with him. You are both grieving right now: and especially him. Allow it. See how this unfolds.

 

The fact that he is with you, and Lisa has barely been around or spoken about, must mean that he cares about you a great deal.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world. Just hang in there for now. It is an emotional time: now is not the best time to make big decisions.

[Momene]

Right, I was so obsessed with a girl that I couldn't get out of my head. I'd dated other girls, including a regular girlfriend for several months. I met her by chance in town. She was pretty, charming and everything I remembered her to be BUT the spark was no longer there. At that moment, she ceased to be the great fascination she'd always been.

 

It was one of those situations where it had never taken off into a full-blown relationship (and with good reason at the time!). Firstly, I was her sister's ex, although her sister did the dumping and at 32 and 17, the age gap was more like an age gulf. If we met now, 51 and 36 wouldn't be so much of a problem but would I dump my wife for her (despite having some difficulties)? No way!

[alyssajones]

Thank you all for your quick reply.

 

Aschleigh - I agree with you about having patience...I am doing the best I can, but it is hard, sometimes seems harder everyday. His good intentions for us are definitely there. He tells me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, doesn't want me to hurt anymore. I told him that I just needed to know one thing, I just need to know when he doesn't have feelings for her anymore. At first I was mad and didn't know how I could be with someone who had feelings for someone else. But my brain kicked in eventually and I realize that these are old feelings that simply need time to pass. *sigh* Patience..gotta keep trying, right?

 

Momene - Superficial attraction doesn't bother me. We are after all human beings, and logistically we are not monogamous creatures by nature (like Lobsters, who mate for life). We have to work hard and that's why it's so rewarding when it does work well. Admiring an attractive person, for example is no different that admiring a beautiful piece of artwork. That story you told reminds me of the day I discovered I no longer had feelings for my first love.

 

itsallgrand - my initial reaction was to start making big decisions...of course you are right and this is not the time. We both love each other a great deal, and he has expressed to me without doubt that he chooses me. I have to admit I will not be comfortable until I know he does not have feelings for her anymore. I think back to my first love and I know it took me 4 or 5 years to get over it, in fact I remember the day I noticed I did not have those feelings anymore. It was a strange feeling, but very eye opening. I am fortunate that he is being open and honest with me, and I think things will be ok if I can get through this waiting period.

 

Again thank you all for the quick reply. If anyone else has any other advice or opinions to share, I'd be happy to hear it. Mostly now I feel somewhat uncomfortable...I want that comfort back. I want to trust him again, not worry about who he is thinking about if the next time there is another tiff...I know time is a key role in that answer, but there has to be something else.

[nottoogreen]

Hi, Alyssajones,

 

You talk much about him and his ex.

 

What about your relationship with him?

[alyssajones]

nottoogreen - Our relationship prior to finding out about these residual feelings has been wonderful. I feel we are very compatible for each other, and have found that living together and being together has been a benificial experience, for both of us. I believe we thrive with each other as we have both seen improvements in our own lives in comparison to the past. I feel that this issue is like a pothole on our journey, we'll drive out of it eventually. I'm just trying to figure out which way to steer. He has done nothing but show me he wants to be with me since, and in time I believe he will clear these feelings but until then it will bother me. I can't help but feel that way. Feeling that way sucks and hence why I write about it and look out to this wonderful community is for support.

[Gracelove]

I definitely feel for you.

I would be devastated. Definitely take some time to discuss it more. I mean it is bothering you, you shouldn't hold your true feelings inside.

I think if your going to marry him you have to be honest with him about how this situation makes you feel, in a tactful way of course.

I mean, this leaves you with so much to think about....

Does he really want to be with you? Is he with you because she is unavailable?

If she came to him tomorrow and asked him to be with her, would he go with her?

These are thoughts that would be running through my head, things I would need to know.

And of course you love him, terribly I'm sure, but I'm sure part of you really needs to know the truth about his level of commitment to you.

You don't want any "surprises" after you get married.

I mean, because then you'll feel horrible, ya know, like he told you before you were married that he had feelings for her, and you should have listened.

Just take more time. Find sincere answers.

You owe it to yourself, you deserve it.

[nottoogreen]

alyssajones - Perhaps he has some fond memories of his ex. She not going to the party is a disappointment to him but also shows that the ex has no big urge to see him.

 

He's opened up his feelings to you, which shows that he looks towards you for support in overcoming these feelings towards his ex. He must also think of you being his best friend.

 

You do not want to think about her, but about him and you together and put the energy into your relationship. In this matter, not "just" be his lover but be his best friend (without a lovers selfishness) as well.

 

So, have a buddy talk with him. This will make you even stronger and happier together.

 

Edited: To have a buddy talk: Tell him you want talk as buddies - without lovers selfishness.

[alyssajones]

I am going crazy...it's been months and this still bothers me.

 

After a couple weeks of me being angry and crying, he told me he threw out photos of her that he had. He knew exactly where they were and brought them with him when he moved. He brought his feeling for her with him when we decided to buy our home together. Right after this all blew up, he told me he does not care for her anymore, even though I know full well you don't still have feelings for someone one day and turn it off the next.

 

When it happened I asked him to do whatever he needed to gain closure. He wouldn't. All he's doing is trying to wait things out. As if I'll just get over the hurt. That is not to say he doesn't care about me. He takes care of me and other than this, we actually have very good interactions.

 

Today he tells me he loves only me. I just don't trust him. I want to work this out. We want to get married and move on, but this is the one thing holding me back. He doesn't know what to do to make it better, I don't know what either but something has to be done.

 

I hate feeling this way!