Need some help...

[TalkTalk]

Wow! Sorry I haven't updated, but nothing's really happened. We're gonna hang out on Friday at this quaint little coffee shop that my best friend's parents just opened. Maybe...? I'll let everyone know!

[lil_kaila]

Have fun at the coffee shop and keep us updated!

[TalkTalk]

Well, we had a great time at the little coffee shop. I caught him kinda staring at me once, but it may have been a joke. Afterwards, we took a walk down Main Street (in this tiny town, "Main Street" is about twenty shops and nothing really else) and we saw some (religious) friends of his. After a short conversation, we were going our separate ways, and he grabs my hand and gets his friend's attention. That kinda confused me a bit (but wouldn't it to you, too?).

 

After that little incident (I was the one to break hand contact, stupid me...it's just that, since we live in such a little hick town, we've got some extremely homophobic rednecks, and there have been instances of people even remotely thought to be gay to be threatened and/or beaten, and I didn't feel like having that happen(and people here don't "believe" in bisexuality, either...)), we walked to this cute little Irish store. We got talking about how we both wanted our ears pierced, and he suggested that we get matching earrings...it might just be me, but things like that...aren't usually said in seriousness, are they? In any case, he WAS being completely serious.

 

So yeah, that's basically what happened. Sorry if I confused anyone with my parenthesized statements!

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Awwww at the matching earring thing. He might very well like you. Might be time to start dropping some hints that you're not straight (like talking about how cute a guy is, just briefly) and seeing what happens.

[TalkTalk]

Well, I'm starting to be more and more open about my sexuality towards my friends, and since I consider him one, it may be time to let it "slip!" Hahaha.

 

Well, he just texted me saying he had a great time and that he looks forward to the next time we hang out! That seems like great news to me! Hhaa.

 

(If I begin one more sentence with "Well," I just might shoot myself

[BrokenWingedFaery]

lol, I have the same problem with "like" right now...lol. Sounds like you've got a good chance with this dude.

[Tigris]

My fiancee has suggested we get a matching tattoo after we get married. Something that's special to both of us.

 

Maybe he thinks matching earings is a sign of caring for each other? It's not like you've got a big sign above your head saying, 'I'm with him!' Why don't you think about it.

[TalkTalk]

Oh, I'd do it in a heartbeat! I want my ear pierced anyway, and if I didn't, this would make me want to, lol.

 

BrokenWingedFaery- I hope so...!

[BrokenWingedFaery]

*crosses fingers for you*

[TalkTalk]

Wow. I've been in such a strange state this evening that I completely forgot to mention one thing! No real emphasis was placed on it at the time, but now that I think about it...

 

Think to any movie where there's a couple at a cafe, or sharing a drink or something...how they use two straws in one drink...well, Ben and I did that today! It was for a very short time, and like I said, absolutely no emphasis was placed on it at all, but it was still a very lovely experience.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

WOW. Ok dude, time to catch that boy and make him yours

[TalkTalk]

Hm. I just hope I can see him soon enough...I'm leaving for a week tomorrow (technically this) morning.

 

And then, four days after that, I'm going away. Again.

 

And hopefully in those four days I can snatch him up...

[Tigris]

Go and get him Tiger!

[TalkTalk]

Boy, do I have an...interesting story for you all.

 

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend and another friend, both female. They both know about Ben. Anyway, they decide it's a good idea to hold me hostage, take my cell phone, and invite him to a movie.

 

The phone conversation in and of itself was awkward. Extremely. After I break free and manage to recapture my cell phone and talk to him, the first thing he asks is if I'm alright. Then he wonders why we called him.

 

I think you can all imagine what's running through my mind at this point. Whilst giving the best death glare I can manage (slightly difficult, as my face is beet red from embarrassment), I have to tell him that my friends are just crazy, and I don't know why they called him specifically.

 

Meanwhile, the temperature is around 85 degrees Fahrenheit (not sure about Celsius, sorry...30-something, I think?) and the humidity's around 75% (in other words, a typical Pittsburgh summer day). We had just finished going for a walk, and we were all quite hot. My hair in particular (which I keep long, in a ponytail) was extremely frizzy. To sum it all up, I looked like absolute crap.

 

So I go pick him up, we go to the theatre, whatever whatever. The movie we decided on started about fifteen minutes ago (and was the last movie of the evening), but we go in anyway. Then my friends decide that they HAVE to leave, after about twenty minutes.

 

So, we left early (both because of the driving curfew, and because the movie was horrible (My Super Ex-Girlfriend)), and I notice that he got his ear pierced.

 

For whatever reason, that puts a bit of...sadness, I guess? into my emotions of the night (generally anxious, with a little bit of anger at my friends--but that's solved now). I mean, he had talked about getting our ears pierced with matching earrings...but now he has his pierced? (as a side note, my mother is psychotic and won't let me get mine pierced, but I'm probably going to do it anyway...especially if he wants to have matching earrings!! But that's not the point!) I guess we could still get the matching earrings (he made references to that idea, and even apologized for getting his pierced!). I don't know, what do you guys think?

 

Oh, and we were supposed to hang out tomorrow, but now his family is having company, so he doesn't know if he'll be able to--but if he is, I'll let you guys know what happens!

 

Thanks so much for listening/reading!

[leicsbimale]

nearly all people are potentially bisexual given the right situation. for example, if you both had a night in, with some alcohol involved (inhibitions lessened) and maybe had a bit of dvd porn or something with maybe some "bi" involvement, that could be an opportunity to find out. you could say something like: "oh, i didn't know that kind of stuff was on the dvd, but i wonder what it would be like to suck another guy?" you could then probably get a good idea from his reaction to it. worth a try anyway.

[TalkTalk]

I've given thought to the alcohol idea before. But I'm not sure about his ideas on drinking.

 

Is the porn thing something normally done? I've never heard of that idea before, except in fiction. And that whole "I wonder what it would be like..." thing just kind of makes me nervous, lol.

 

I'll probably just end up coming out to him and gauging his reaction to that.

[TalkTalk]

Well, it looks like nothing's happening this week. I'm going away tomorrow and won't be coming back until Sunday, so we won't get to hang out. But I'll let everyone know if he messages me or anything...

[TalkTalk]

So, there's a concert of a bunch of local bands (yuck) that we'll be going to on Thursday night...letcha know what happens!

[TalkTalk]

The concert was so lame, we left early. Well, a friend of mine and I did. We kinda left Ben there, but he was off talking to other friends, so he was fine.

 

We decided to go down to the fair at the other end of town (maybe 500 yards away). He calls me and asks me where I was. Then, he told me to wait just a little bit and he'll be right there.

 

At the fair, we stopped to play this game where you shoot plastic cups over with cork guns. Apparently he has no aim. Anyway, I didn't have any money, and after much talking (and basically forcing), I allowed him to buy me three shots.

 

Lately, I've been thinking alot about this...I think I'm pretty stupid. I mean, he's a really nice guy. I've probably just misunderstood everything he's ever done, and he probably has absolutely no feelings for me whatsoever. Not like I ever really thought he did; it's all just basically been wishing and misunderstanding.

[TalkTalk]

How do I get over him so that he's still my friend in the end? I don't want to lose him as a friend, because he IS a really nice guy.

 

I realized tonight, just by looking at a picture of him, that I'm still totally head over heels. Which is not good.

[TalkTalk]

My attempts to get over him are obviously not working, as simply the sight of him still gets me weak in the knees. I haven't talked to him in around three weeks, although I have left various text messages, which tells me he doesn't want to talk to me, so I've decided to just not talk to him.

 

It's going to be hard. But going NC (unless he really wants to talk) I think is a good choice...do you agree?

 

I'm pretty wishy-washy, so I don't expect it to last more than ohh...a second after he talks to me.

[carlogiovanni]

Hey I've read your thread from start to finish and I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Hopefully I can give you some advice, just take what you want from it. Who knows what's actually happening here, I can only tell you what it sounds like.

 

To me, it sounds like Ben likes you, but he can't handle it. I mean, his frequent displays of affection for you in the initial months, it sounds like all that lead up to that afternoon at the cinema was promising, and the crucial difference to that afternoon and the previous meetings were your friends. Now, it's not right to pass any blame on to your friends, you told them your sexuality and they were trying to help you, but for Ben to get a call from two (I imagine giggly) girls inviting him to the cinema from your phone and then leaving after 20 minutes probably made him wonder exactly what you had been saying, and to who. He may have been thinking along the lines of "What is he expecting?" For the reasons above he probably felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to live up to this image your friends had of him for that day. I'm sure your hair was fine.

 

I'm not saying just because of that afternoon things aren't working out now, but until Ben can accept that he likes guys (I'm pretty sure he does) and be open, at least to you or his friends, that holding on to the hope that you two are going to get somewhere is just going to hurt more than it already is.

 

Do not get involved with closeted guys period. It doesn't usually end well for the out gay/bisexual guy, for the simple fact that it leaves you too exposed. Say Ben came over one night and just didn't act the same, there was none of that eye contact, no hugging, it would hurt you, you'd feel like you wanted to say "What's up?" "Have I don't something wrong?" but you couldn't as it leads to doubting yourself and questioning your feelings and that can spiral out of control. It's too easy for the closeted guy to shut down and * * * * your feelings, they don't count anyway as they are usually too busy floating around in denial. (Imagine how awful these situations can get when you have a sexual relationship with a closeted guy.) Don't do it!

 

But look at it this way. You have made a friend. When you're not seeing him you can miss him, and remember that you aren't to blame for things not going further. You've dealt with your sexuality. Give him time to deal with his. You can't rush these things. Just don't be clingy. Give him all the space he needs. I know it's hard not to get attached, I've been there and been very unhappy because of a very similar situation. It's strange because it's been years now and I know we love each other, but as I am getting older I am accepting that this grand love in my head and my heart is never going to be fully realised. I know I deserve better, and I'm getting on with my life until better comes.

 

I hope you're okay, if you ever want to talk about it send me a pm.

[TalkTalk]

Thanks, carlogiovanni. Although, I'm kind of torn on the dating a closeted guy issue. On the one hand, you're right, and it could end in emotional disaster. On the other hand...

 

On the other hand, if we ever do date and he is still in denial, I'd feel like it's something I should do, to help him get rid of his denial, because I know the pain I went through during the denial phase.

 

You know, it figures. I was finally ready to go NC, and he talks to me today. It was only a "Hey, I haven't talked to you in a while, what's up?" in the hallway (leaving me NO time to talk back but a "hey"), but it was still enough for me to be totally frazzled and almost fall over right there. And I was with a friend, who knows about my feelings for him, so she got a nice laugh at me afterwards.

[carlogiovanni]

Firstly I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the other day you were considering never talking to him again for the sake of your feelings and he says hi the the hall and all is forgiven?

 

You can't rush anybody into coming out. The longer this goes on the worse you will feel. I've not heard many instances of closeted guys suddenly coming out and setting up shop with their new boyfriend. My advice would be just to be a friend to him. Good friends are hard to come by. And if that's too hard, as it usually invariably gets, you will hurt yourself so much more then if you take a step back now and try and get him out of your mind.

 

This is hard, but please get off the train before it falls off the track. Good luck though, I really do wish you all the best in this situation, it's just... I've been there. And I crashed and burnt!

[TalkTalk]

You don't sound harsh at all, and even if you did, I'd deserve it. I'm ridiculous like that. I figured that since he hadn't talked to me in a while, NC would be easy.

 

With the whole "dating but still being in the closet thing," my best friend dated another good friend of mine for a few months. My best friend's still somewhat in the closet, and her girlfriend denies that she was ever anything other than "slightly curious" coupled with best-friend feelings.

 

I never said I was going to try to rush him into coming out or anything. That's been my plan all along: just to be his friend, and if it turns out he is gay/bi, be there for him when he needs me, that's all...as long as I can make him happy, make sure he knows I'll be there for him, that's really enough for me.