carlogiovanni

Makedamnsure, and updates on the situation?

I feel as if a close friend of mine has pulled away. It seems like no matter what they do they don't have any interest in me anymore. It's hard because I have many friends but why am I letting this get to me so much? Everytime I try and talk about it with them, all I seem to do is piss them off. They don't ever call or inquire about me anymore, even though we have the same small group of close friends. So I can't escape seeing him. But still, I feel so rejected and I'm old enough for it not to upset me like this. I actually feel angry. Really angry!

I found this on the topic... Infatuation is instant desire, one set of glands calling to another. Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time. Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon examine too closely. It might spoil the dream. Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you,to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his presense, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him near. But near or far, you know he is yours and you can wait. Infatuation says,"We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him." Love says, "Be patient. He is yours. Plan your future with confidence." Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are in one another's company you are hoping it will end in intimacy. Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers. Infatuation lacks confidence. When he's away, you wonder if he's cheating. Sometimes you check. Love means trust. You are calm, secure, and unthreatened. He feels your trust and it makes him even more trustworthy. Infatuation might lead you to do things you'll regret later, but love never will. Love lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.

I've actually got a book about this. I don't really know much about the science of it all but I remember reading a passage about it, let me quickly type it up in case anyone is interested. Think of somebody who annoys you, or whom you find it stressful to think about or spend time with - remember their face. Now as you look at their face in your imagination, ask yourself: Is it colour or black and white? Are you making it to the left, to the right, or right in front of you? Is it big or small? Light or dark? Moving or still?Now let's play with the way you are currently representing that person in your mind. Try out each of these changes in turn and notice what happens: If your representation of that person is moving, freeze-frame the picture so it is still. If the image has any colour in it, drain it all away until it looks like an old black-and-white photograph. Shrink the image until it's tiny. Move the location of the image so it's further away. Give the person a clown's nose, pink hair and Mickey Mouse ears. Imagine the sound of their voice. Then alter it by giving them a deep, sexy voice. Change it again until they sound like a squeaky little mouse. By making these changes in your internal representation, you are reprogramming the way you feel. Think of the person again in that new way... no how do you feel about them? It's very likely they no longer trigger the stressful response. Not only do you almost certainly feel differently now, but next time you meet this person you'll feel differently, which means they'll respond differently to you, changing the dynamic of your relationship for the better. Images that are bigger, brighter and bolder have greater emotional intensity than those that are duller, dimmer and further away. Next, let's find out what an amazing difference it makes to be inside and outside of a memory. Here's another technique for running your brain, called "Dissociation": Think of a mildly stressful or uncomfortable memory. As you notice what image or images come to mind, step out of yourself so you can see the back of your head. Pull back from the image and mentally move as far away from the image as you can. Step all the way out of the picture so you can see yourself way over there, still in it. This process of disassociating reduces the intensity of the feelings the image was creating. Now, let's do it the other way round and step into a positive picture. This is called "Association": Think of a time in your life when you felt great, and once again allow an image to come to mind. This time, step into that image so you're seeing through your own eyes, hearing through your ears and feeling great in your body. Make the image bigger, the sounds louder and the feelings stronger. It's easy - to reduce the intensity, step out and move back; to increase the intensity, step in and make it bigger. Recently I was at a dinner party and sat next to a lady who was telling me how she was having trouble sleeping after a car accident. When I asked her to remember what was making her feel so bad, she described the horror of the crash scene as if it was happening to her all over again. Clearly, she was remembering what happened from inside the picture (associated). I simply asked her to step out of the memory (dissociate) until she could see the back of her head as she floated the picture far into the distance and made it black and white. Instantly, the tension in her face reduced as her muscles softened. I told her that if she ever thought about the incident in the future, she should only ever do it dissociated. Two weeks later she called me to say that she had been sleeping beautifully and was feeling much better in herself.

The windows were open and she definitely heard me. I don't think I'm an awful person I just felt really * * * *ty that I didn't make it better and now I can't. I'm sure I'll work it all out. It's interesting because I was thinking about why people do good deeds in general. Is it to help altruistically or to make ourselves feel better about previous wrong doings? Does that mean helping others is ultimately selfish? Do you guys think altruism exists in its purest form or is it relative to situations and people as to why we do or say certain things?

It doesn't sound like he nicked it it sounds like he positively sliced it.

Firstly I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the other day you were considering never talking to him again for the sake of your feelings and he says hi the the hall and all is forgiven? You can't rush anybody into coming out. The longer this goes on the worse you will feel. I've not heard many instances of closeted guys suddenly coming out and setting up shop with their new boyfriend. My advice would be just to be a friend to him. Good friends are hard to come by. And if that's too hard, as it usually invariably gets, you will hurt yourself so much more then if you take a step back now and try and get him out of your mind. This is hard, but please get off the train before it falls off the track. Good luck though, I really do wish you all the best in this situation, it's just... I've been there. And I crashed and burnt!

My advice would be not to worry about if it isn't going to work out. You can't possibly predict how anything in this world is going to go. I know you feel like because of your previous relationship you want a sense of control this time around, but seriously just take it one day at a time and try to relax. You can't compare your ex to your new relationship, give him that respect. Don't worry so much about tomorrow that it ruins today.

This forum is great.

The other day I was sitting in a bar with some friends, the bar had large windows that opened out into the street. I'd had a few drinks and I was quite relaxed. I saw a blind woman walk past the windows, and I genuinely thought to myself how amazing it was how disabled people can function and get on with their lives. That is what I thought in my head. But what came out was something different. I said "Wow she's blind and doing so well." It came out so sarcastic, I really didn't mean it like that, not at all derogatory, but I said it, and the lady stopped walking, and looked towards the window and then carried on walking. I have been feeling so guilty as I didn't go after her or try to explain my comment. Of course she heard, I can't imagine how I made her feel. The guilt isn't going away, I know there's nothing I can do about it now, but really it's just horrible that came out of my mouth and that she heard it. I guess I don't really need advice, just wanted to write it down.

Hey I've read your thread from start to finish and I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Hopefully I can give you some advice, just take what you want from it. Who knows what's actually happening here, I can only tell you what it sounds like. To me, it sounds like Ben likes you, but he can't handle it. I mean, his frequent displays of affection for you in the initial months, it sounds like all that lead up to that afternoon at the cinema was promising, and the crucial difference to that afternoon and the previous meetings were your friends. Now, it's not right to pass any blame on to your friends, you told them your sexuality and they were trying to help you, but for Ben to get a call from two (I imagine giggly) girls inviting him to the cinema from your phone and then leaving after 20 minutes probably made him wonder exactly what you had been saying, and to who. He may have been thinking along the lines of "What is he expecting?" For the reasons above he probably felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to live up to this image your friends had of him for that day. I'm sure your hair was fine. I'm not saying just because of that afternoon things aren't working out now, but until Ben can accept that he likes guys (I'm pretty sure he does) and be open, at least to you or his friends, that holding on to the hope that you two are going to get somewhere is just going to hurt more than it already is. Do not get involved with closeted guys period. It doesn't usually end well for the out gay/bisexual guy, for the simple fact that it leaves you too exposed. Say Ben came over one night and just didn't act the same, there was none of that eye contact, no hugging, it would hurt you, you'd feel like you wanted to say "What's up?" "Have I don't something wrong?" but you couldn't as it leads to doubting yourself and questioning your feelings and that can spiral out of control. It's too easy for the closeted guy to shut down and * * * * your feelings, they don't count anyway as they are usually too busy floating around in denial. (Imagine how awful these situations can get when you have a sexual relationship with a closeted guy.) Don't do it! But look at it this way. You have made a friend. When you're not seeing him you can miss him, and remember that you aren't to blame for things not going further. You've dealt with your sexuality. Give him time to deal with his. You can't rush these things. Just don't be clingy. Give him all the space he needs. I know it's hard not to get attached, I've been there and been very unhappy because of a very similar situation. It's strange because it's been years now and I know we love each other, but as I am getting older I am accepting that this grand love in my head and my heart is never going to be fully realised. I know I deserve better, and I'm getting on with my life until better comes. I hope you're okay, if you ever want to talk about it send me a pm.

I KNEW moving back here would be harder than I thought, do I have to cut out my best friend as well just to finally get over this?

Thanks for your advice, but I hardly think I'm looking for a 'perfect' person. It's just hard to meet gay people generally (such a smaller dating pool) and I have an even smaller dating pool because I don't find feminine men sexually attractive. I can't just shift my preferences, just as you couldn't on something you liked. I'm aware that I need to stop developing feelings for straight/curious men but I was just trying to get to the bottom of it, I don't think it's as simple as all that. I'd love to but how would I go about that? I've been thinking about it and my intimacy issue might have something to do with my sexual activities when I was younger, because I was gay and in the closet (I'm happily out now) a lot of my encounters happened with straight/curious men in private and at night, and most of the time it was never discussed again and seen as something dirty?

It's really getting me down.

I'll make this brief... I've smoked for about three years now, and I've been trying to quit, but over the last five months every time I smoke a cigarette (not a rollie) during the day I get immediately depressed. My stomach gets in knots and my mood lowers, so much that I've noticed the connection. Only in cigarettes though, and never in the evening, just during the day. I know the obvious answer is quit smoking (I'm on it) but I was just concerned that it is a sign of something else and everywhere I've looked and everyone I've asked said they haven't a clue. Thanks in advance guys...x

My mum called me a little while ago and told me some disturbing news. I've lived away from home for about two years but my twin has stayed at home. I've recently moved home temporarily and have been spending more time with my twin. My twin has always been very shy and mainly a loner, and has been repeating years of college. Exam results were yesterday and he explained to my parents that he didn't finish his course because he was too worried about his health. He thinks that one side of his chest isn't growing correctly and he said it was worrying him to the extent of not even going to college. My mum wants to take him to the doctor and seek mental health advice. I always thought he was just a shy loner, in the nicest way possible, and have always wondered how long he could function that way. I'm very shocked and confused about this news, because it just seems so odd to me. Can we trust his explanation? Could this be a symptom of a serious problem? I'm not sure what to do as my Mum doesn't want me to know what he told her, as she wants to respect his privacy. Basically I'm at a loss as I can't even talk to him about it.

This being something that you have had in the back of your mind even before you were married, it's obvious the niggling doubt has snowballed into a big problem that is affecting your marriage. You already seem convinced that your husband is gay, and all you want to do is bring it out of him without him lying to you. I'm sorry, but there's no way this is just going to happen if you continue pretending that everything is fine with him. He might be gay. He might be Bisexual. He might be curious, as he said. I know this is hard for you to accept, but at the moment you're destroying yourself by thinking up reasons for his actions - "He'll probably lie to me" is not that way you should be thinking. My advice, no matter how hard it seems, is to ask him, calmly, what's happening. I'm very sorry Sally but you can't pretend that your marriage is a bed of roses at the moment, this may be something you can work out if your husband is honest with you, but at the moment your marriage is clouded by lies and suspicion. Don't believe anything, just ask him, give him a chance, a real chance, to tell you the truth. Because something is going on. There could be a hundred reasons why you're no longer as intimate as before, don't judge initially, just hear what he has to say. Just don't let him feed you bulls**t. If he's not prepared to be honest with you, and you'll be able to tell if he is, then I suggest asking yourself what state your marriage is in and what sort of future you have together. Don't forget that no matter how hard a time he has dealing with his emotions and problems, he has no right to hurt you by lying to you. I'm really not meaning to be blunt here Sally, but you've come to these forums for help, a big step, and we can't always give answers you want to hear. Please keep us informed on what happens...

It could be completely innocent. It might not be, but there's no point in guessing and coming to any conclusions. Casually bring it up, and just ask him why he had your things in the bag. You'll be able to tell from his reaction at least if it's something he's trying to hide. One more thing. If he flips out and immediately goes on the defensive ("Why did you go through my things in the first place") or something similar, by that I mean diverting attention, that's usually a good sign if he has something to hide. You'll just go round in circles in your head and blow everything out of proportion if you sling any accusations or wild ideas, as you say this seems out of character and the only way you're going to know is by asking him as if it's nothing. You won't know unless you do.

It's natural for you to assume that he's possibly gay purely because he spends so much time with his friend. You may see the two of them as an unbreakable force and you'll never get time alone with this guy. I know it feels natural to guard your emotions, to keep them to yourself and just observe those you care about. But the problem with observing is it's purely one sided. How do you know that those two don't talk about what girls they fancy when they're together? On the other hand, you might be right, they may be in love with eachother and not realise it, or they may actually be in a secret relationship. You could go on for hours. Where I'm going with this is you have to look at yourself and how you feel about this guy. You say you feel like you're in love with him. Are you sure you're not in love with the idea of being with him? Infactuation is so often confused with love, and please don't think I'm condescending you or your emotions, I'm not at all, I'm twenty years old and I've been through it, I know how it feels. You're just going to run yourself down keeping this a secret and building the idea of being with him up and up and up in your head, and the fact that you've come on this forum with your problem says how much it is affecting you. The only way you're going to get over this is to decide if you want to tell him how you feel, or not. The fear of rejection is so strong, but there's nothing actually between you two until you start communicating how you feel.

Hi James. I've been reading this thread and I have some advice to offer. It's amazing how much of a similar situation I've been in, I hope that you still check this thread since your last post in April, I still think it's worth posting in case anybody else can gain anything from it. noone's advice, to "enjoy the intimate moments and play the game when he wants to deny his sexuality" is not advice that I would personally recommend, but I want to make it clear that I'm not discounting that advice, or discrediting noone at all. If you stay in the situation you're in, your feelings are going to destroy you from the inside out. On the surface of things, you can pretend that carrying on with this "secret" companionship seems appealing, and you can think that everything is fine, that it's only a matter of time until your friend realises that he can't stay in the closet and that he wants you, but it just won't happen under these circumstances. It's obvious that you want to be there for him, and that you can't understand why he doesn't confide in you about it. It's not that he is worried you will tell anyone, that he doesn't trust you, it's the simple fact that it's easier for him this way. He will continue to let you touch him, when it suits him. It's clear that you want more from him, but you won't get it like this. I'm assuming that you're already feeling trapped in the situation, you've said that you sometimes feel like you want rid of him, and these feelings will only grow, you will only build up this relationship in your head and it's only a matter of time before you really do get hurt. It's such a demeaning feeling, to feel like you are owed an explanation, that it's so unfair, that all you want is for him to talk to you, but if you continue to keep this a "secret" activity, then that's how it will stay in his mind. As he's getting away with getting these things from you, without feeling that he should discuss it with you, he's treating you like an idiot. I know that it's tremendously difficult to come out, to accept that you may be gay or bisexual, but I hate the fact that some people feel that they have a right to treat their friends or others unfairly, that they have some sort of "get out of jail free card", purely because they can't accept facing what their feelings and actions mean, at the cost of other's feelings. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is make a decision now about what you want in the future, because if you keep going on like you are now then it's just all going to go downhill, and you may eventually lose your friend all together. - Stop the touching, don't explain it, don't worry about how your friend might feel about it, just stop it. - Make the decision that you want to be his friend, you want to support him, but keep him as a friend. Keep yourself open to him in case he ever wants to talk, but try and hold your feelings back for the sake of your feelings. - If he starts acting strangely, kind of a "what happened" reaction, then don't acknowledge it directly, he never discussed it with you, he will work it out by himself, and hopefully, as time goes on, he will be forced to look at himself and work out what he needs to do. He might never do this. -If you find it too hard to be around him and just be friends, then the only other option is to get away from him entirely. Some say that many people don't realise what they've got until it's gone, and this may also trigger him to think about what he's letting happen. But please don't see time apart as some sort of lesson to him, or an investment in the hopes that he will turn around and say he's sorry. He may not. You need to face that fact that you will probably never be together, that he needs to sort himself out before he even thinks about getting in a relationship with a man. I know it sounds harsh, but you need to focus your energy on yourself, on doing things you want to do and making yourself happy without him. I know these aren't the answers you want to hear, but I'm afraid you're in a very painful situation as it is and the only thing you should be thinking about is your feelings, and helping your friend, indirectly, to face his sexuality. There isn't a magic wand that will make your friend wake up one day and say "That's it, I'm gay, and I want to be with James." It's hard, it hurts, but it is my advice, from being in an almost identical situation. It's taken me a while, but I am feeling better. Hope you do okay... Carl.x

Thanks for the advice everybody. Many thanks to Phoenix for spending so long on an excellent reply. I have decided not to see Sean in the foreseeable future. I was just having a bad couple of days, but the contact from him started to turn nasty because I wasn't doing what he wanted, and that has only cemented my decisions. Thanks again everybody. My problem was that I wanted some sort of acknowledgement for all the wrong doings done against me. I wanted some sort of justice... But I'm thinking clearly now. My self validation is reward enough!

Sounds like you've already come to all the conclusions. You feel like you're about 20% gay. It's good that you've come to that conclusion, that you feel you can put a number on it. If you feel uneducated about that gay side of you, there's plenty of websites that can help. And plenty of help lines. Also there's confidential gay/bisexual/trans support groups everywhere with people just waiting to help. And regarding gay sex, some of us are as clueless as you, and we're 100% homos! Good luck!

Hi. I've posted some advice on these forums a couple of times, but I have a problem to bring myself now, wonder if anyone can suggest what I could do. What should I do?

Hi Elaina. First of all what I have to say is I respect the fact that you've come on here with this problem. Most people wouldn't even care enough to try and find a solution to the problem, but like you said, you and your friend have known each other for years, and it does seem a shame to let all that go to waste. It's impossible for me or anyone here to say what sexuality your friend is, or what he's thinking. All we can go on is what he's done, and from what you've said, he does indeed seem to be all over the shop in regards to what he wants, who he wants and what sex he wants them. What is pretty obvious is that he feels a connection with you, and he's tried in the past to get closer to you, or have some sort of control over you. His sexuality is a completely different topic to his feelings towards you, so we'll deal with them one at a time. It's great that you don't have any problem with him being into men, you even went to the club with him and encouraged him to find himself. You gave him good advice as well. It's completely possible that he's bisexual, that he was trying to broaden his horizons, and the fact that the gay issue came up again two years later and he was actually labelling himself as gay proves that it's something that isn't going anywhere, more than a phase at least. You're doing the best you can as his friend in this capacity, there's nothing more you can do apart from encourage him to stop feeling the need to constantly put a sticker on himself, but you knew that already. Now, onto the other part. It's obvious that his romantic (or as you put it obsessive) behaviour makes you uncomfortable. But what you really have to ask yourself is why does it make you uncomfortable? It seems to me like you could be giving as many mixed signals as he is. You kissed, was it just the alcohol? Imagine if you felt more than friendship for one of your friends, and one night you kissed. You'd be over the moon. You would assume it meant more. It's not right to assume, but everyone does. I'm not going to go into what you should have done, it's in the past now, but from my experience you can't leave anything to chance. If he feels a thing, and you don't, you need to let him know. Getting off with somebody else a week later probably only fuelled his fire, prompting him to let himself be seen with another girl and thus making something out of nothing. If you still want his friendship, then you're gonna have to get used to the idea that he may still like you more than you want. I won't lie to you, it is added pressure knowing that somebody feels more than you do, many people can't handle it and end up ignoring previously good friends. It happens so much, and it can be such a waste. My advice to you is to get over any problems you have with a friend liking you in that way. At the end of the day it is a compliment Elaina, it's nothing disgusting, you just have to set boundries to stop any problems arising. So obviously no snogging while pissed. Don't put yourself in any inappropriate situations, like sleeping next to him. Just treat him like a friend. Don't look out for signals that he's still into you, he could just misinterpret them as romantic ones, we all see what we want to see. I know it sounds almost like the friendship is tainted, that it can't work because of this, but just tell him that all you will ever be is friends, and stick to it, because people's hearts aren't to be messed with. On the other hand you might have nothing to worry about, he may have completely moved on by now, great, but if you have any doubt, and think he might want more, just tell him, don't play any more games to get the message accross. Well I hope that helped, you obviously feel pretty bad about the situation, and the question you need to ask yourself is do you like your friend enough, and do you miss your friend enough to get closer to him again?

Hi there, I'm sorry you're so unhappy at the moment, and I apologise as what I'm going to write isn't going to make you feel better immediately, it's just the hard facts, because I've been in similar situations to this one... Of course I'm not going to make an issue out of it, but first of all you're 15 and however mature you may be, doesn't mean everyone else around you is. The way I see it is either Amber is very immature and is playing with those around her, or it looks to me like this Amber can't decide what she wants. One minute she has a boyfriend, one minute she's with you, one minute she's with Samantha, then she wants you back, then she wants Samantha back, what's next? Her ex boyfriend? Unfortunately her fickleness is hurting you, and probably hurting other people around her too. It's not hurting her. If she felt even a smidgen of what you felt for her, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing. You see, there are certain people in this world that everyone can't help but fall in love with. They have that "x-factor", it can't really be described that well, but I'm sure you know what I mean when I say it. These people glance at you in a room and your heart jumps a beat. When they speak to you one on one, it feels as if you are special, and that everything they say to you is the way things are. They hurt you, but the second they give you attention again, you forgive them, and you actually end up apologising to them! You see them with other people in their lives and you relate everything they do back to you. They get so magnified in your own mind that they cloud your judgement. Do you honestly think that Amber hasn't asked her boyfriend how he feels about her, just the same way she has to you? And Samantha? They she thinks they are special? That she wants them the most? Why should you doubt Amber? Because people like Amber know what they are doing. They love the attention, you thinking they are special makes them special. I mean who wouldn't want to be told they are loved? It seems that Amber does, it seems that many people can't stop telling Amber how much they love her...it's all about the ego boost, because from where I'm sitting it seems that this Amber is very insecure and is taking advantage of other people's feelings to feel better, whether or not it's a conscious decision. I hate to say it, and you're not gonna want to hear it, but get out. Get away from this Amber. She may seem like the world to you, she might be, but she's not making you happy, and after a while you will be happy again, happy with somebody who loves you for who you are and somebody that won't play with your feelings and manipulate those around them because they can't deal with themselves. That's the best advice I have, the only thing is I'm not sure if when I was in a similar situation I would have taken it, but the hard truth is the longer you leave this the more and longer it is going to hurt.