What goes on in a Dumpers Head?

[lvlyldy]

For all those dumpers out there...

 

From previous posts, it seems that dumpers sometimes regret the decisions they make about breaking up. What happens on your side before you decide you want to reconcile, especially if your very stubborn and steadfast about your decision for watever reason?

 

I had a friend (a girl) who broke up with her bf of 6 months because of personal stressors, and the stress of having a relationship with her bf (was was clingy and needy).She had decided that they would not get along, and never expected to work it you with him again. After a summer apart, she ran into him at college and he ignored her and walked away. She told me after 2 months of NC (implemented by him- he told her not to contact him unless she wanted to work things out) she had already started missing him (she was okay for most of the summer, even had an innocent crush on some random guy) and decided after talking to friends of his about how he was doing to call him up and give him another go.

 

I know even sometimes thinking on my own (being a dumpee), I wonder if there is this thin line between being able to work it out, or just giving up hope because its too late to fix the damage done. Does this go through the dumpers head, and what (breaking no contact on the dumpees side, running into them, etc) would solidify your decision to try again?

 

Also for the heck of it, any similar successful reconciliation stories when it was never believed to work out again?

[Lady Bugg]

Do dumpers regret their decisions to break up with someone? I think the consensus is going to be if they don't make the effort to contact you or get you back, then they can't regret it too much. I agree on one hand but I disagree on another. I think it's possible to regret something and still not pursue it for a number of reasons. Number one being that if they dumped you in the first place they probably assume you wouldn't take them back anyway...so they may simply be gunshy about trying. There is not ONE person on this forum who is a mind reader...so no one can say what goes through ANY persons mind. Not every person who regrets dumping someone has fantasies of getting you back. Sometimes they just have the respect to let dead dogs lie and to repsect you enough to leave you alone. That does not mean it doesn't cross their minds.

[Scotcha]

Whenever I've broken up with someone it's been final. I've already very carefully thought it out from every angle and once the decision is made it's been set in stone.

[lvlyldy]

Maybe regret isnt the right word here, for example I know in the case of the current breakup im going through, a breakup was definetely necessary for us to realize and make changes to the big problems we had in our relationship. Granted, most of them were individual issues... being together we could never fully address them. I dont know if he and I will work it out, he isnt interested in dating anyone and is working on himself right now, but if we were to work things out I think things would be better for the breakup.

 

Maybe not regret, instead rethink their decision... at least in cases where there wasnt cheating or anything like that. More like general frustration, not really falling out of love or similar issues.

[robowarrior]

Dear lvlyldy there are over tens of thousands of reasons why a person would dump another person , to say there is a thin line is not true, it varies from person to person on what they are willing to go thru to stay with a partner. Some people go thru years of struggles into their marriage and manage things that go far beyond then merely being 'clingy'.

 

You are just basically thinking 'why oh why did my guy dump me' ? Well obviously for negative reasons , unwillingness. And if a person takes someone back, its sometimes because they realise they are not better off without having that person in their lives. If you break up = you are alone. Some people will stay even in an abusive relationship in order just not to be alone. Which is downright horrible.

 

What you are trying is to put your finger on where it hurts. But its like a patient a person can suffer from many various diseases and injuries, a person also can break up with another for just as many reasons. There is not one answer for all these diseases, an absolute answer doesn't exist, although there are general lines why people break up, and get back together again. What brings people together again is usually because they believe they are better off with eachother, even if that's not the case for real.

[Lady Bugg]

I think making the decision to get back together with someone depends largely on the reasons you broke up to begin with. Are the reasons you broke up something that's fixable? Maybe he's a slob...or you have a bad temper...THOSE are things you can work on, as long as you are willing to BOTH work toward reconciliation. You could want to make it work and do everything on YOUR end to fix things, but if he isn't, then it doesn't matter. You cannot force something or someone to do something they do not want to do.

 

If he left you or you left him because you are not really physically attracted ..then THAT is a pretty unsolvable problem. Attraction is something you CANNOT force, regardless of how perfect everything else is.

 

I think as long as there is a stong mutual respect and foundation then thats

a starting point..but again, it must be a mutual agreement, otherwise it's doomed to failure.

[lvlyldy]

Yea I know, I guess Im just trying to rationalize what happened in my head. I know there is no one answer, and that every situation is different.. I guess its just the stupid hope that wont leave me alone

[joyce1412]

i understand your curiosity about this subject. i'm a bit curious about it, too, because after my breakup six weeks ago i was still left with the feeling that we couldn't possibly be over...it just didn't make sense but don't think that any one person's story could directly apply to you...people are so different. however, i'm sure you're smart enough to realize this.

 

i "reconciled" with someone i had basically broken up with when we went to college...we had dated for about four or five months prior. the relationship just sort of fizzled because we were moving to different cities, but mostly fizzled because i became more distant/tired of him. however, he never put up a fight...it was never even something that was discussed. it just happened. i had chalked it up to a summer fling, and never even knew he was referring to me as his girlfriend! so you can see that we were communicating terribly to start with.

 

we got back together a few months into college when we started talking again, and it seemed like we were both opening up to each other more. i had renewed hope about the level of intimacy our relationship could have. and, to be honest, i hadn't found any new hot prospects in college--in fact, i'd been burned a bit--so because i wanted a boyfriend and was feeling out of my element in college, i retreated to the familiar. i genuinely hoped i could fall in love with him.

 

it went okay for about a month or so. we were more open with each other, but i never fell in love with him and knew i never would. i don't think i was being honest with myself about what kind of person he was, and that was what mostly drove me away from him in the first place: he was insecure; i felt he was a follower and not his own person, VERY immature; admittedly, i didn't find him very intelligent. as i got to know him better, i also found many more ways in which we weren't compatible--religion, family life, social life, SO many things. after less than two months, i had already broken it off.

 

so yes...a reconciliation, but by no means a successful one.

[Lady Bugg]

Lvly, I understand how you could have hope...especially if you don't really know WHY you were dumped. Kind of leaves you in limbo. You will get a wide spectrum of answers to this question...and if posters tell you that holding onto hope is holding you back....they are telling you for YOUR benefit. I know I went through a phase where I wanted an answer..ANY answer...but it never came. I had to find my own closure, and I finally did it. Sometimes NOT getting what you want is the true blessing and lesson.

[lvlyldy]

Yea, maybe this is the best thing. We are both so young (20) and we were eachothers firsts. We were very much in love, and had a great relationship that lasted a year and a half. In the end, it was the same issues we've had throughout our relationship that did us in. We were working on it, but other things got in the way and made it impossible to happen until towards the end of our relationship. These were more behaviors that could be corrected, brought on by stress rather than personality differences. He agreed things were getting better, but just not fast enough for him. I just dont get it, we were happy most of the time and throughout our relationship, and had just hit a rough patch recently. Why throw it all away? And your right, it takes two people to make a relationship work, and all the things I know that could change would be pointless unless he was willing to work on them as well. Hard lessons to learn

 

Day 5 of NC, after LC for the past 2.5 months, and im going NUTS. I want so very bad to call him and get answers... but he has none to offer.

[robowarrior]

Replace your ex love with a new love, you see what expectations you had in the relationship may not at all have been what he wanted , you could be thinking 'everything is going fine' , while he was going into stress overdrive, or whatever reasons where bestowing his mind.

[shorty20]

I had an ex that I broke up with. I thought about it long and hard (for about 3-4 weeks) before I finally made the decision to just let him go. We were in love, he adored me, but it just wasn't enough. I knew he could never live up to my expectations (he had a felony and thereforeee couldn't get a decent job, had anxiety so didn't like to go to family functions with me, etc...) just things that were majorly important to me he couldn't participate in. I was with him for over a year, and after the break up I did regret it a little bit, and missed him a whole lot. I still knew in the back of my mind that I did the right thing in letting him go. I wanted him to find someone that could love him as much as he loved me.... hope I made sense there... I did regret not being able to be with him, but I didn't regret letting him go.