Lost...??

[journey05]

Well, Im starting to get pretty lost on what I should be doing.

I've posted here a bit looking for answers or advice and it helps sometimes.

I've been separated from my ex for about 7 months now.

 

During that time we have seen or talked to eachother pretty much weekly. Like 3-4 time a week.

We have gone out, celebrated the holidays together and have spent time together as a family again (with our son).

I asked her about three months ago how she felt about us-she said she didnt want to reconcile or get back together.

 

It seems though her mind changes periodically about our situation. She always is the one to ask to hang out or wanting to talk.

She throws out little "hints" every now and then about us.

My question is if she didn't care about us getting back together or being a family again then why does she want to spend so much time togehter? Although lately we havent spent as much time together.

We had rough time during our last year together and I myself have made many improvements. I think at times she sees this and may want to test the waters.

I've pretty much told myself I will do all I need to do to show her that we can get through this and that I've gotten through my problems.

I think though if things don't show any sign of hope or if she does not either then I will have to stay out of her life unless it is a matter of our son.

 

Any advice would be great.

[Scout]

Hi Journey...well, I briefly skimmed some of your past threads, and it seems you missed a fundamental opportunity to make real change in your relationship: making good on your promise to see a counselor.

 

Which you didn't.

 

If I were you, I'd go ahead and do that anyway. I am sure your girl had a significant reason for suggesting you see one. And maybe if she sees you're really committed to change, at some point she might give serious thought again to reconciling. And even if she doesn't, you'll be that much further ahead in resolving whatever issues you need to resolve.

 

However, if you are looking for a quick answer to get your girl back, counseling is not it. Nor is there any other, as far as I know. But counseling seems to me to be the one avenue that will produce the most positive results - for you, your son, and possibly your girl.

[jessicadon]

My question is if she didn't care about us getting back together or being a family again then why does she want to spend so much time togehter? Although lately we havent spent as much time together.

 

Because you have a son together.

[Scout]

I actually did start to see one after we split and it was really good. Yea you are right, I just wasnt ready to talk about things yet when we planned to go see a counsellor together. Im not sure if it was fear or actually the thought of putting myself "out there" on the table.

I know for sure though I wasnt myself when I got home. I just hope maybe one day she can understand that too.

 

Journey, I can't even imagine what you went through in Iraq, but I believe you when you say you didn't come home the same person you were before.

 

Do you think you might be a bit more ready now to resume the counseling? It is a commitment, and it's not an overnight process. But, I think it would do you a world of good. You went through a great deal, and I imagine you have quite a bit to sort out, and many emotions & memories to deal with.

 

For your own sake, please give it some consideration. It could be the step that results in some positive change in your relationship with your girl, and of course, in the long run that would be beneficial to your son, whether the two of you reconcile or not.

[Scout]

I understand what you mean. I wish I had a magic answer to make things different for you right away. Can I just say based on my own personal experience, and from reading other people's stories on eNotalone for the last few years, that the best thing you can do right now is to let go of the idea of control. Let go of the idea of changing things with your girl.

 

Instead, focus on what you can control for sure: yourself. So, make the call for counseling today. Put the focus on that for the next two months, minimum. As for the issues with your child's mother, do yourself a big favor and let the Universe take over there for now. It's amazing what can happen in our lives when we let go of trying to control what we can't, and instead focus on what we can. Usually when we insist on taking matters in our own hands, we risk making things even worse.