Help me get rid of this baggage!!

[geng2]

 

My God, I'm really wondering if I'm ever going to get back on my feet.

 

 

It's been over 2 years since I broke up with ex gf of 5 and I can't seem to piece my life back together after the beating I took back then. It's not just the g/f thing anymore, but also my outlook on friends and myself. Nothing is the same anymore.

 

I'll try to keep the history brief and if it isn't, i'll try to make it easy to read.

 

My g/f and I had a great relationship. One of the best I've ever had, in fact. I was on top of the world back then with confidence the highest it's ever been. I thought she was going to be the girl I might have married.

 

Then came the fateful night when she suggested an open relationship.

 

Surprised? Yea I was surprised. But I was also intrigued by the idea. I prided myself and our relationship for being different. I never really was jealous in our relationship. Heck, I even let her go on dates a few times with guys who were interested in her. But I knew that I had the goods. And me letting her go on these dates reinforced her trust and loyalty in me. This was a huge accomplishment for me, considering I've been jealous in past relationships.

 

I always had the mentality that if she screwed around, I'd leave. Her loss. And it worked. Things were great.

 

But this open relationship thing was different. Things were getting a little too comfortable, as long term relationships tend to become, and I'll admit my eye was starting to wander a little bit.

 

The reason she offered it was because she wanted to get our 'itching' out of our system so we can focus on each other afterwards. Valid reason in my eyes, however, the timing was off. Around that time, I was getting concerned with her hanging out with one of my closest friends a little too much. A little too close for comfort. But I shrugged it off to paranoia.

 

Well, soon after, my suspicions got even deeper. I played detective at my friend's house and found a rather steamy and questionable chat session they had late one night. I lost it. I b!tched out my friend like I've never done before. I broke up with my gf soon after tearing off her head. And I did away with the two most important people in my life back then.

 

I was the victim. I would show them that I would not tolerate betrayal, so I cut them off.

 

"The best revenge is to live well." That's what I told myself then and that would be my mission for the years to come.

 

For the next two months I went out with friends and partied so hard that I wouldn't remember how I got home the next morning. I'd meet so many people and so many girls and have an all out great time. Things were going great. I wouldn't let myself be occupied with thoughts of her or my best friend. Then the unthinkable happened.

 

My father died.

 

It was a rough time enough just trying to get over my ex. Then this had to happen. The next few months were hell. Nights where I hoped to be out with friends and try to forget the terrible breakup, I was stuck at home consoling my mother with her loss. She was suddenly lonely too. But I was in no condition to help her when I had trouble dealing with my own demons. And those demons were in the form of a beautiful girl I used to date. And the screams of the demons would grow louder and louder as I, now, had all the time in the world to listen to them.

 

It wasn't long before my work suffered, which ended up with me eventually leaving. That was crushing considering it was a decent job and I prided myself and my work.

 

So there I was, unemployed; single; had to give up my new car (can't afford it); thinking of my ex everyday (who happened to be with a new bf now); talking to none of my friends (b/c I no longer trust any of them); living at home (b/c I can't leave my mother alone); and, as I'll find in a few months, falling into a depression.

 

Fast forward to today.

 

Things are a little better. I got off the meds. I've decided to go back to school. I've gotten a few part time jobs. And I'm doing better than I was 2 years ago after the breakup. But not living as well I had originally planned. After all this time, trying to be strong and keep myself composed and refraining from whining and complaining, I'm still in a crappy position.

 

I'm still single. I still don't have a steady job. School is stressful. I'm having trouble being sociable and I don't have many friends. My self esteem and confidence have hit rock bottom. Actually, I hit rock bottom, rented a shovel, dug up a 10 foot hole and jumped in it headfirst.

 

Why is it that I have the short end of the stick? I was the victim. Yea, I did go through alot but I don't want to use that excuse anymore. I just want to be happy. I need to get rid of this baggage.

 

Can anyone help me?

[teacup]

ironically, i feel like im in the same hole. but who wants to be in this hole? rapidly trying to dig ur way out of it with a shovel will end up burying you in that hole, 6 feet under.

 

the only way is to make a ladder and climb out.

 

lololol. let me post more when i am done with my school essay. >=(

 

oh wait, pardon, i noticed u said u are 10 ft. under.

[itsallgrand]

Why is it that I have the short end of the stick? I was the victim. Yea, I did go through alot but I don't want to use that excuse anymore. I just want to be happy. I need to get rid of this baggage.

 

You were the victim of what exactly?

[Skippy]

Actually, I hit rock bottom, rented a shovel, dug up a 10 foot hole and jumped in it headfirst.

I like the way you put that. Funny as hell!!

 

you know, you have to realise that the important things in your life was greatly affected, and things will not be the same, but it can better then 2 year ago.

 

Recognising that:

*love life

*trust

*family love

*job

*income/ independence

where all affected in your life 2 years ago totally obliterated your self esteme. Being 10 feet below rock bottom gives you a benefit of just going up. As for your self esteme, it isnt going to come back tomorrow, it is going to take time. I feel that you are heading in the right direction, but i can only advice you 2 books that has made a difference in my life.

"Who moved my cheese" and "The Present" both books are by Spencer Johnson. (Read "who moved my cheese" first)

Btw.. the way you decribe it... i dont thin you were a victim. You allowed it to happen. Stopthinking yourself as a victim. Sh!t happens.

 

Remember, you have to want to change to change, but yo have to want it enough to change perminantly.

Good luck!!

 

Hang in there buddy!!

[teacup]

i hope that if there is one lesson you learned, it is to talk things out and to communicate with whoever u are in a relationship with.

 

well, welcome to the club. lots of us in this same sinking boat. what can i say, misery likes company.

 

im single, school is stressful, only work part time, lost friends cuz of a crazy guy, lost a good guy cuz of a bad guy. but i feel pretty good usually. it is possible to be happy without everything.