Courious Offer...

[617LadyJo]

Hello Cyber Friends. I have a question. I met a guy at a motorcycle club run/BBQ about 6 or 8 weeks ago and he gave me his number. I finally called him about 2 weeks ago and we've talked on the phone a few times but nothing excessive. He lives about a 2.5 or 3 hour drive from me. He's also retired and has no weekday commitments. I, on the other hand, have a full-time day job. I am single and not currently involved and he says he also available.

 

Last night he asked when we were going to 'get together' and I said we'd have to talk about it and see if we could work something out. He then asked if I was ever free during the week. I reiterated that I had one of those pesky little "J-O-Bs" that pretty much kept me busy weekdays. He commented that he is always busy running around on the weekends and such and that perhaps he could come down during the week and stay at a hotel and take me to dinner...

 

This just doesn't add up. Is this "man speak" for, "I've got a girlfriend who expects me to hang on the weekends with her but I can get away for a little something-something during the week????"

 

Any insight or experience you can share on this?

[shorty20]

well thats kind of a big assumption to make off of just what you've given us. Maybe he really is busy on the weekends, or maybe he wants to sound busy so he's not "too available" you know the games people play. Just by what you've said I wouldn't automatically assume that he has a gf but I would be very observant and keep my eyes open for other clues that may surface... good luck!

[blender]

Your gut instincts are always so important, listen to them. Here's a guy who is willing to drive down and "get a hotel" so he can see you during the week? Be careful, I understand your curiosity to "give him a chance" but have the wisdom and class to say to him, "If you want to come down and meet up with me and some of my friends for a drink during the week that's fine".

 

Then see how he responds to this, his response will be very revealing. And listen to your gut instincts, don't respond to your own loneliness, or willingness to ignore your "instincts". There are endless stories of women ignoring that initial instinct, it's perfectly smart to be "curious" and to protect yourself with smart self respecting choices.

 

You should be self respecting and safe enough in today's world to NOT meet him ALONE the first time... this is a "classy and smart" thing for an intelligent woman to do and if a guy does not react enthusiastically, well then, he might have other intentions.. be careful, you're right about this feeling "not so right", I too had the same response when reading your post, I was thinking, "this is weird, he's reitred, not available on weekends, willing to get a hotel" I don't know, but be careful.. do NOT meet him alone for the first time (or meet him in a public place, restaurant for dinner, whatever, and have your own car) and whatever you do, do NOT go to his hotel if he does come down, even if for a nightcap, do NOT go there. You define YOURSELF, your standards/values in taking these first steps... be careful.

 

If he asks why you are so cautious, have the class to say, "I don't know you and would like to get to know you, but I need to get to know you more." A classy guy, worth your time, will only have more respect for you if you proceed this way, any guy who questions it...well, he's NOT worth any of your time... and could be "trouble"... and who even knows what kind.. You'll be able to tell more about him in how he responds to you having the self respect, and wisdom to take this slowly.

 

We're all here for you, and wish you luck...

[Mun]

Why don't you let him come down during the week and take you to dinner ?and then try to make the next date a weekend one---for your sake and because of your schedule

[617LadyJo]

Greetings all... good insight, observations and advice. I will play out the scenario by ear depending on how the next phone conversation goes. I am looking for a serious relationship but not at the expense of my self-respect or trampling over what someone else already considers "theirs".

 

I just thought it "odd" that a retired person is too busy for a weekend meet. I had suggested a half-way spot for lunch... I'll post again once (if) anything transpires... thanks again for the input~!

[blender]

I wouldn't meet him half way, he's a man, he's mature, he's retired, hopefully he's financially secure and YOU deserve a man who is willing to make an effort, schedule or distant considered. If you are truly interested in a meaningful relationship, then it has to "begin" as such. Be careful to drive to an unknown area on your own, please bring a friend with you, this is smart..and respectful. You are just "getting to know" him, you don't have to be "alone" to do this at first... Your instinct's are screaming for you to listen to YOURSELF.. You should only be interested in a man, who has the time, wants to make the effort and understands you taking it slowly at first... anything less, is LESS and could potentially be dangerous. Be careful not to let any loneliness or hopefulness you are feeling blind you to what your "instincts" are telling you..

[617LadyJo]

Blender: I tremendously appreciate your insight on this. In my mind, wanting to meet him halfway keeps us on an even level but I see your point also in requiring him to make an effort. Also, this man is not a complete stranger. I was introduced to him by very good friends who I have known for 12 years. I don't sense an aura of danger. That being said, since I have met some not so scrupulous men in the recent past, I do want to err on the side of caution as far as his being single AND available. That is where my instincts have been wrong in the past.

 

What is your take on this?

[btbt]

I do think it's weird that he's too busy on the weekends -- surely he can rearrange an errand or two to hang out with you, esp. when you've already told him that you have a job and the weekdays are no good for you. If he really wants to see you, I don't think it's too much to ask since he's the retired one. Are you sure he's not married?

[blender]

You're doing the right thing by thinking this all through, and I understand now that you met him through friends.. but I have to say that when I have had that "feeling" in my belly of "this seems, I don't know...different" well it's an important feeling to listen too... you seem like you are ready to learn from your experiences, it's taken me a long time to do so, but in life we get the same "lessons" over and over again until we "choose to change our own behavior" and then we can finally be free to make smart, wise, thoughtful, self respecting choices to "start out on a better foot" with someone else.. and meeting him half way putting you on an "even level".. I'm not sure what this means...

 

do you feel you're "too much of a bother" for him to drive the whole distance? What are you feeling about "wanting to get to know this guy"? What is drawing you to him? Is it his looks? Was he so charming? Did he make you laugh? Is he smart? What is it about "him", that makes you want to get to know him more?

 

I always find through my painful experiences that I never stopped to ask MYSELF any questions, I just would keep "moving and doing" without thinking it through.. and you seem like you are in a place of maturity and self respect where you are willing to ask yourself the important questions.. I now only will venture out to date anyone ONLY if I can ask myself the questions and be honest with the answers as to "why" I want to pursue time with a guy... it really helps... it just does, it puts our minds in gear before our dreams, hearts get a hold of us and then we don't see as "clearly".

 

I'd say start out on a self respecting foot and say to the yourself, "If the guy doesn't want to make the effort at the beginning what would make him make any effort as time goes on?" well, now is the time to find out.. start with the "truth" and honesty within yourself.. and ask yourself, why you are willing to meet him half way on a first date? If you are comfortable and confident with your answer, then go for it..

 

Who knows, if he seems like a stable guy, who is kind, reliable, confident, caring, loving, who your mutual friends respect and admire, well then what have you got to lose?

[617LadyJo]

Definitely... 15 heads are better than one! You all are so helpful w/your suggestions AND insight. There are advice options here that I wouldn't have thought of on my own. Thank you!

 

btbt: I am sure he's not married. I am not so sure he's not already dating.

 

blender: I am going to make a list of your "questions" for use now and future use. Why reinvent the wheel? Yours is perfectly round

 

Anyway, I only hear from this guy during the week and can't seem to reach him on the weekend. I'm going to take that as the proverbial red flag.

[Mun]

Anyway, I only hear from this guy during the week and can't seem to reach him on the weekend. I'm going to take that as the proverbial red flag.

 

I think this is just very strange. Maybe he is already dating someone and her time is weekend time.... In any case you are already stressing a bit over something that hasn't even started...now that is a red flag for sure.

 

I say : keep looking.