Opportunities galore, but how to take them

[not_invincible]

I've grown up as a shy kid, not having many friends and concentrating mainly on school (I'm working towards med school), so I have little social experience. I'm now 21, in university, but because of school work and my long commute to the university, I don't allocate much time to socializing, especially with girls. I volunteer, I'm in cycling clubs and go regularly to a gym, but I feel very detached from people. I can talk to anyone, and I can make even the most out-of-my-league girls laugh out loud (and have got a couple phone numbers after asking), but I *always* leave conversations feeling awkward or unaffected, and of course, never call.

 

So my question (since this a shyness/dating forum)..... is it alright for me to talk to girls at the gym or in a lecture, just by going up to them and saying "hi, how are you..." etc?? I've been told that it's "dangerous". The reason I ask is: at the gym, which is dominated by overweight middle-aged men but also by many female students my age, a lot of the girls tend to look at me instead of the out-of-shape old guys. I feel like I should try to speak up and talk to some the girls who may be showing an interest in me. BUT how can I get over the feeling of being unaffected and disinterested in good-looking girls who I could very well be dating????

[blueangel]

If you think too much into it, you won't end up being genuine when you do approach one.

 

So just do it and see what happens. Don't label the first experience you have as the one you always will (if you get rejected.) We learn from social interactions. Take it as a learning experience. See someone attractive. Smile at them. Share yourself. It shows YOU are approachable and even very happy. People like security most of all. I think you can add to that in a relationship, even small encounter ones. Just be yourself. I see you have a lot to offer.

[Xylus]

Well first off if you get the numbers of those "out-of-leaguers" then you should at least give them a call. those type of girls that I know of at my skool tend to like the guys that are different. for some odd reason. I still can't figure that one out. But hey if they gave you their number willingly then by all means give it a shot and call it. The worst that can happen is it would be a fake number which happened to me once with a girl I really liked. you live and learn. go for it bro.

[Dating Coach]

No it's not dangerous, yeesh! If you approach a random girl and say "Hi" and are being friendly and smiling, there is NOTHING wrong with this. If the conversation seems to be going well you can even ask for her number or if you could buy her a cup of coffee or something. This is very normal and happens everyday. I don't know who told you that it would be "dangerous". Geez...

[Markers]

not dangerous, unless she's a paranoid martial arts master and she thinks you're harassing her and decides to kick your @ss as self defence

[blueangel]

not dangerous, unless she's a paranoid martial arts master and she thinks you're harassing her and decides to kick your @ss as self defence

 

You know, that could be painful. I'd keep in mind what he said.

[soaking_wet]

Why don't you call?!!! you know the girls obviously want you to call if they give you their numbers...next time, make the call!!!!!! Just my opinion cuz when guys that i give my number to don't call, i assume there was something wrong with me and it's not cool!

[Dating Coach]

It's only dangerous if you are walking up to random girls and saying, "Hey, you're hot. I can't wait to bang you."

 

If you are polite and friendly, you will be fine.

[atraceofblood]

but then what else do you say? After that I can't think of much to say that doesn't involve "what classes you take," or "what is your major..." etc etc.

 

lol

[becallamjr]

Dude are you kidding me? Go talk em, get a number and ask em out. If they gave you the number, obviously they are interested. Girls like confidence and you are seriously lacking it. What's the worst thing that could happen? Grow a pair and make that call next time you get the number.

[Dating Coach]

There are tons of things you can use to strike up a conversation. Look at all of the clues around you! Where are you talking to them at? A library? Tease them about being a book worm. Ask them if they know what the sun or the beach is. Tell them it's okay if they get a "B".

 

What are they wearing? A shirt with their favorite band on it? Tell them you think that band stinks, that so and so band is way better. That you heard a rumor that the lead singer is gay. You can think of anything to generate light and easy conversation!

 

C'mon guys, it's not that hard.

[Budman]

About the band stinks, I don't recommend that.

 

I know some girls that will literally stick you if you say that their band stinks.

 

You have been warned.

 

 

[Dating Coach]

About the band stinks, I don't recommend that.

 

I know some girls that will literally stick you if you say that their band stinks.

 

You have been warned.

 

 

 

If they are that wacko then forget them anyway. It'll be good that you found this out. I definitely recommend that one.

What's with you guys and, "We dare not insult a girl or raise her anger!"? These are just regular people like us and we are allowed to have different likes and dislikes than them. Guys are so wimpy these days, it's no wonder women rule the dating world.

[atraceofblood]

There are tons of things you can use to strike up a conversation. Look at all of the clues around you! Where are you talking to them at? A library? Tease them about being a book worm. Ask them if they know what the sun or the beach is. Tell them it's okay if they get a "B".

 

What are they wearing? A shirt with their favorite band on it? Tell them you think that band stinks, that so and so band is way better. That you heard a rumor that the lead singer is gay. You can think of anything to generate light and easy conversation!

 

C'mon guys, it's not that hard.

 

what happens when there are still silences? What about when you are talking about and you both seem to interrupt each other and ramble on without any coherent words coming out? Sometimes I don't know how to say things the right way when I know what to say and I feel like I am mumbling to them lol.

[Dating Coach]

You're attitude still seems to be a weak one. You just said: "Sometimes I don't know how to say things the right way when I know what to say and I feel like I am mumbling to them." This just reaks of self doubt. Your whole attitude should be that SHE should be impressing YOU, not the other way around. Be in control of the date. If it is you who is doing the interviewing, judging the compatability, making the decision to either go for a second date or not based on how much she impressed you, then you will find things not only easier, but will make you happier as well. No one is going to be as happy when they aren't in control and play the role of the victim rather than being the one in control and making the decisions.

 

You are putting too much pressure on yourself-and it's your whole outlook that is doing it. If you desperately attach yourself to every date you have, trying to impress them, trying to be liked, etc, you're going to fail far more often than if your attitude is one that you are in control and this girl has to impress you to meet your standards. If she is boring and can't carry a conversation, you don't get down on yourself about it, you tried, she was boring. Trash her number and forget her.

 

The problem with most nice guys is that they lack this self confidence and they desperately attach themselves to any girl they like. It's a terrible way to go about things.

 

Besides, conversation IS a skill and you have to train that skill in order to improve it. Keep trying, you get better. You should have seen me when I was younger. I was stuttering quiet mumbling fool around girls. Now I am extremely outgoing. It's nearly effortless for me now. It took a long time to do but I put forth the effort, hardened my skin, built up my knowledge about dating and women, and it came over time.