Update #2

[bmagoo]

Now he is staying until the end of June - makes me a little happier. I know he is ready to move back though. I told him my feelings and asked if he felt for me at all. He told me not in the same way I did about him. He says he has absolutely no desire at this time to get emotionally involved with any woman - not just me. As I said, he has had bad relationships in the past. That being said, I spent the night last night with him and it was just all talking about several things and cuddling, laughing, holding hands - no sex. And he has committed to seeing me at least once a month after he moves and he seems deadly serious. He may be traveling some and is even offering to fly to see me if he does or pay for me to fly to see him! You can see why I might be confused. I asked him how he sees it and he says friends with benefits and that he wants a long term sexual relationship with me. I'm not sure what to do - he says this straight out but then the other actions I describe make it seem like he wants more. He tells me to just have fun for now without over thinking, go with the flow and see what happens. I am so confused. There seems to be such a connection there. Is there any potential for this to grow if I keep in touch with him, see him and don't pressure him? He is 41 and I am 35 so it is not like we are young kids here. Thanks.

[Ash]

There is potential for it to grow if you stay in contact. What I'd be more concerned about is that there is also a great potential for you to get emotionally hurt by it all. It seems like you may be trading a sexual relationship for the thoughts that it may also become an emotional relationship. What I've found to be true of myself is that if I wasn't ready to get emotionally attached to a particular person it meant I was still looking for something. Now, that's just me and he may be different. But I'd hate it to work out that he does find somebody he gains an emotional attachment to while you and he are still in a sexual relationship. That's the difficulty in having one without the other. If you're both in it for the "friends with benefits" type of thing then it may not be so painful if you part. However, you want the relationship and he doesn't. Think of it the other way, it happens a lot that there is an emotional relationship and not a sexual one, one of the partners gets frustrated and goes for sex outside the relationship and it hurts like heck. This would be the other way, but the result is the same, it hurts like heck. So, what I'm saying is be aware of these situations.

 

I'd think if you want to be with him on his conditions you need to think very hard if they're conditions you can live with. Consider how you might be hurt if he attached to somebody else, and also ask yourself if you feel at all used in this situation. It's likely ideal for him, sex without commitment. But is it ideal for you? Try to get that straight in your mind before you take things to a level where you'll feel worse if it doesn't work out. Or, thinking about it another way, be aware that the worst case scenario may in fact happen one day.

 

If you want to work on a relationship, and give him time to come around to an emotional attachment, you DO get some decision in the sexual side of things. You don't have to sleep with him if you're not totally comfortable in doing so just to keep him around. If you're worth keeping to him, then sex or no sex, he will grow closer to you emotionally. In fact, the sex could be a complicating factor that may confuse him just as much as you. He may think he's getting what he wants and needs, but may come to realize that in not getting sex, what he really does need is actually an emotional partner.

 

Make any sense?

 

Best of luck ... and be true to yourself in your thoughts. Please don't kid yourself into hoping something will happen if you think there is a reasonable probability it won't.

[bmagoo]

All of those things are definitely worth thinking about and have been on my mind. I guess it is confusing to me because he is so honest and straightforward about the not wanting to get emotionally involved but then he send mixed signals with what he says sometimes. For example, who travels 6 hours monthly for sex only? It just seems like a lot to me but that is just me. He also seems to want to really make sure I know we are keeping in touch. I did ask him if he was going to look for a commitment type relationship when he got to FL and he said he wouldn't do that to me - so who knows? He has basically told me not to overthink, go with the flow and see what happens. I guess that is all I can do. I just really need to make a decision about whether to give it a chance or bail out now because it is driving me crazy. Haven't told him that though. He also gets upset sometimes because he says I have so little faith in him but I'm not really sure I have much to have faith in right now. It is all very confusing.

[Ash]

Although you may think he's travelling 6 hours for sex I suspect in his mind he doesn't see it that way. He's travelling to see you. From the way you talk about it here, he's trying to convince himself as much as he's trying to convince you that he doesn't want a relationship ... and it sounds like it's not all that convincing.

 

He has stayed longer, he wants to keep in touch, he's wants to see you once a month (at least), he's promising not to be in a relationship with anybody else, he wants you to have faith in him, he wants you to go with things for now (quite possibly meaning he wants you to ride out his feelings at this time). That doesn't sound to me like somebody doing a good job of wanting a sex only, totally casual, non emotional relationship.

 

I think if you decided to end it now you might regret what might have been. What do you really have to lose if you wait it out a bit longer other than some sleepless nights and some anxious times? If you are terrified of him hurting you in meeting another then that might be a reason to end things, but if you can weigh that risk and deal with the possibility it might happen, the reward on the other hand for staying if it does work may be worth it.

 

I know it's not an easy decision. Whatever way you do decide, just please make sure it's something you can live with and you won't regret later.