Seeking Advice Once Again

[becallamjr]

Well, I took a break from the forum about three weeks ago because I had found myself spending countless hours on here giving advice to people and realized that I needed to get my things in order. Well, I'm back as I love this forum and the wonderful people I have met on here. Once again I seek your council.

 

In the last month, I dropped all my friends because they started to treat me badly. I now have one really close friend that I'm interested in and the feeling is mutual with her as well. I have two distant best friends that I see every now and again, but to avoid contact with the others I try not to involve myself with them and their lives. My stress level is stable and I love life once again.

 

The girl (E), I have spent the last three months getting to know (E) and I can honestly say that she is everything I have ever wanted in a person. Unfortunately some events that have happened in the past two months have made things really complicated and I know a relationship beyond friendship is out of the question right now, even though it's incredibly hard to not jump into one.

 

A little history. (E) dated my ex best friend (A) and I was dating her best friend (J). Well it didn't work out with (J) and I because (J) is a liar. I couldn't trust her, she would lie to me about everything, stupid things. My ex friend (A) treated (E) badly. They broke up, but she was pregnant with his kid. My ex friend (A) is a pos, he wasn't there to support her through and did nothing except stress her out. Last week she had a miscarriage. I took her to the hospital and I'm here for her. Her best friend (J) was living with her, this girl got kicked out of her parent's home and (

E) allowed her to live with her. She only set a few ground rules and (J) proceeded to break everyone of those rules and disrespected her. Well (E) put up with it for the longest time and then (J) being her "best" friend went around a few days ago and said that she had made up the pregnancy and that she was full of crap. (E) kicked her out as she should.

 

(E) is planning on moving for the summer to get away from all the drama, but at the same point she is moving away from me as well. I understand why she feels she needs to go and I'll support her decision, but I don't want her to disappear. I guess the advice I wanted is how long should I wait before I allow us to step over the line of friendship? and Am I being too selfish?, with that I mean because I don't want her to disappear.

 

Any advice is most appreciated.

[Momene]

With the drama she's had, I don't think she's ready to cross the line. Keep in touch by all means but if you find someone else you like, go for it.

[onewithbooks]

Wow, you are a really good friend! It is obvious you care a lot about E and you want her to be ok. She has gone through a lot and she is probably really emotionally drained. I think that you should tell her, but do remember that she has a lot going on right now, so if her answer isnt exactly what you expect, it may not be you, but her whole situation and she may not be ready to take on a relationship right now. I do think you should tell her you care (maybe with some dinner and flowers ) and give her a heads up about how you feel, but being careful not to add a lot of pressure as her plate sounds a little full. I hope it works out for the two you!!!

[becallamjr]

She is the one who wants to go into the relationship, but it is I who thinks that we need to wait. I want to have a healthy relationship with her and start it out right. Sorry for the confusion.

[malcontent]

Wow, that's quite a dilemma. I'm not sure what your best plan of action would be, but I can definitely understand why you'd be hesitant at this point to allow your relationship to progress past the friend stage. The last thing you'd want is to end up playing the role of emotional band-aid to get her through this undeniably difficult period in her life, but by the same token you don't want to lose her because you resisted advancing the relationship.

 

I guess if I were in your shoes I'd let her know how you feel about her but explain to her how you'd be more comfortable waiting until everything has settled down for her so that you can be sure you're moving the relationship forward for the right reasons. At the same time, I'd let her know that you want to be there for her in every way possible in the mean time, but that for both your sakes you feel you should wait a little while longer.

[becallamjr]

only two replies????

[becallamjr]

malcontent, I agree with you, but am I being selfish for not wanting her to go away for the summer?

[Dako]

She must already value your friendship.

I'd let her know you're very intrested in her, but give her time to sort her feelings out. Staying in touch would keep her in your world until she's ready for involvement.

[onewithbooks]

how far away is she moving?

[becallamjr]

3 hour drive for me

[daregveda]

Nothing wrong with a little selfishness, Bill...you spend enough of your time looking out for other people and we love you for that. You deserve to be happy, so make that 3 hour drive and do something for yourself. With your sensitivity, insight and caring nature, I don't think there's any doubt you can make her happy.

[Dako]

Three hours isn't bad if it means keeping her in your world.

Maybe a good commute on a fat boy.

[becallamjr]

I'm not sure she would want me to make the commute is the problem and I know I'm one of the few reasons she hasn't left already. If she goes away for the summer, she wants to get away from everyone and everything out here. Regardless if I'm a positive in all this negativity, I'm still part of the drama. So I'm back to my dilemma. If I tell her to go, she'll go and I won't see her for the summer and I guess I'll just be a workaholic and drink a lot. If I ask her to stay, I'll be happier and will try to spend my time with her, but if she stays for me and is miserable, then it's not worth it. I want her to be happy and not have to deal with all this unnecessary bs. Yet I have to add to my misery for that to happen. * * *.

[onewithbooks]

And she is moving away just for the summer? Maybe the two of you could start something casual, seeing each other only like once a month with both of you traveling to meet in the middle and see if something more serious could be pursued in the fall? Would that be an option?

[onewithbooks]

A part of the drama, yes, but if you are a positive part, and she is in a positive environment when she leaves then why would she be negative about trying to see you over the summer. Having a part in some drama doesnt make youdrama, and so i would think she would be happy to have you visit

[becallamjr]

She changed her number and I have not received the new one yet, I'm meeting up with her later tonight to see what she is gonna do, if she goes, she is gone for the next three months, NC.

[onewithbooks]

Well, my fingers are crossed for you that it all works out. It sounds like you care a lot about her, and you want to help, but you are trying to keep grounded. To a question that you asked earlier, yeah it might be a weensy bit selfish, but arent we all a little bit weensy selfish now and again. Overall I think you want what is best for everyone and ultimately that is what counts.