Smoking/Drinking. What Shall I Do?

[under_the_pressure]

I'm the type of person who is laid back, I don't freak out much, just a mellow kinda person. But 3 things, have caused more arguing in my relationship then they should. And I need advice, because I really don't want to lose the man I love over this.

 

1. Smoking. (Ciggarettes) I don't have anything against smokers. My Mom smokes, my brother, alot of people I know. But I do have an issue with the guy I'm dating and whether or not he smokes.

A. It causes cancer. (Gpa died of cancer, last year.)

B. Kissing someone who has smokes...go ahead and lick an ashtray.

C. What does it do for you? "Calms you down." Don't start in the first place and find something else.

(This is not directed at any smokers, it's just about my boyfriend.)

 

2. Drinking. I don't see the point in drinking and then doing something stupid. Wake up the next morning, regretting it/not knowing what you did, and having a hangover. I don't get it, really.

A. My boyfriend is severely diabetic.

B. It really doesn't have a point.

C. We fight when he drinks. Because he gets OBNOXIOUS.

 

3. Smoking Marijuana. My life, for 16 years has revolved around drugs. My Dad left us because drugs are better. More important. My brother is in jail because of drugs. My Dad tried to sell my brother and I when we were little for drugs.

A. It's illegal.

B. All you do is lay around and eat.

C. Once again, I don't see the point.

 

When my boyfriend and I got together (last summer) we went through these phases. We smoked for about 2 weeks, then I threw the pack out the window and said, "no more." We drank, quite often. Not alot at a time, but probably every weekend. And we went through our smoking pot phase, we did it everyday for about a month. Then I said no more. It's pointless.

 

Well, he gets around guys and they are all doing it, so he has to. In order to be "cool."

 

Sunday night, is Senior Party. That's why this is worrying me so much. I'm scared he's going to do all 3. We'll fight. I'm scared he is going to do something with another girl...Yes, I'm insecure.

 

A part of me is saying, "Go be a teenager. Have fun. Be stupid. Make mistakes." The other half is saying, "You're too mature for that. It's dumb. Don't go and do cliche' things, because everyone else is." (I've never went with the flow, I do my own things.)

 

I just don't want to lose him over something like this.

What should I do?

 

I've tried talking to him. I've said, "Baby, I'm scared about the party. I'm scared you are going to get drunk and forget that I'm there. That you'll do something stupid." He says, "Be quiet. Don't stay stupid crap like that."

 

I love him. Don't tell me to break up with him. Don't lecture. Just give straight up advice, please.

 

Greatly Appreaciated,

Alicia

[PRSOV]

How long have you been together?

[under_the_pressure]

Almost a year.

[Momene]

My daughter once asked me if I'd ever do drugs. My answer was that if I was housebound when old and didn't have any health to lose or risk I would.

 

The other issue with all of these is money. If you're on a tight budget, it isn't fair for one of you to indulge. I did once use my wife's smoking as an excuse to buy something expensive that I wanted.

[laura_5000]

Someone I am seeing smokes, but I am hoping that if we get togther I will encourage him to give up.

 

Have you spoke to him about your concerns? At the end of the day all you can do is try and explain to him how much all of this is bothering you & hope that he understands & trys to stop.

[arwen]

Sweetie, I think the two of you have different levels of maturity. You seem a very responsible and sane girl, especially for your age. I think his reaction speaks for itself, when he told you 'to not say stupid crap like that'. My feeling is that he KNOWS you are right in your concerns. Most people who drink, smoke and do drugs are aware of the risks they take. The more you talk to them about those risks, the more annoyed they get.

 

So maybe you need to change your strategy in the way you address this issue. Mostly people who feel pressured to stop smoking or drinking will just start drinking and smoking even more. The bf of my best friend used coke and smoked marihuana daily. She never made a real fuss of it, but just NEVER participated. Nor did she show interest in his 'coked' up stories. A year ago, he quit marihuana and coke. She made him realize he had to do so for HIMSELF and not for her, and she just gave him the time to realize that. She could do so because she was nonetheless very happy in the relationship, and trusted he would stop.

 

Maybe this helps you, pressuring him will probably only make things worse. On the other hand, if this continues to be an issue, and he doesn't change this, you should reconsider the relationship. Not pressuring does not mean you can't talk about it. I think you should address the issue when it really bothers you, maybe tell him you'd be happier without substances of whatever kind in your life. I think you did a great job so far, so really what I am telling you here is not really new.

 

Ilse

[syborg]

I have a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR problem with anybody I love who smokes. I have had two failed relationships, the second one LARGLY because she was a smoker. Even although she quit for me, I couldn't get it out my head that her lungs would be tar infested and diseased and she might get cancer in later life.

 

I have lived with this all my life. I am terrified to have children for fear of them smoking. Seeing a loved one smoke causes this deep psychological gut wrenching fear and pain that never goes away, its horrible, Me and my ex have been apart now for over a year, and the thought of her lighitng up still hurts.

 

I tried Hypnotheraphy to cure this but it didn't work.

It scares me that I am like this

 

Nobody seems to understand

 

I don't know what to do.

[becallamjr]

Seek another form of Therapy.

[babypink61]

Honestly, nothing you say is going to change his actions. He has to be able to see it for himself and wants to change on his own. I agree with ilse that nagging him is not going to do anything. I was a smoker myself (cigarettes) and my bf hates smokers. When we first started dating and he found out I smoke, all he said was, it's not good for you, and that was it. He never mentioned anything about it ever again and never once nagged me to quite or threatened to leave me. I used to get so annoyed when other people lecture me about how bad smoking is for me. I had that "I already know it's bad for me, so tell me something new!" attitude. I know it's bad for me and I felt bad at times so I would try to not smoke around him, but it was hard when we're out together at a bar or club. Eventually I started to feel guilty for smoking and I wanted to quit for my own health . . . and fortunately I was able to overcome my addiction and I haven't had a cigaratte since last June.

[Momene]

Is it just me or is the money a partner spends on cigarettes an issue?

[syborg]

Seek another form of Therapy.

 

What do you suggest ????

[syborg]

Thats GOOD cos you quit for your OWN reasons. I was like your b/f with my g/f, i NEVER nagged her, NEVER told her to stop, all I ever said to her was "if you stop I want it to be for your own reasons and not just to please me"

 

It didn't work tho cos she stopped to try and impress me, but I hurt her one day so what did she do, light a cig on webcam so I would see. Her best mate then told me that she had been smoking anyway regualrly and showed me YM chat archives to prove it. That was the final straw for me smoking AND lying to me. She denied it of cours but she lied so much she began to believe her own fantasy. She was the one who threw away a liftime with me and she did NOTHING to help things.

[under_the_pressure]

Listen people, it doesn't matter. He dumped me today. He told me he doesn't love me. We worked for a year just for this. Thanks for the advice though.

How long does it take for a broken heart to heal? I will live through this right?

[Skippy]

yes you will live throught this.

to be honest you 2 arent match though you want it to be.

It is hard to see the piture right now, but you will ... in time.

 

I wanted to say end the relationship but becasue you said not to i didnt.

But as it as already ended, you 2 had different goals and wanted different things in your lives. You have figured out through a little experimentation that taking drugs, drinking and smoking didnt do you any good, he has to figure that out on his own. You just learnt faster and know better.

I am sorry to hear that it has ended, but it was for the bette.

[under_the_pressure]

I know. I deserve better. But for a year he's been my everything. It just hurts. Really bad.

[Skippy]

i understand... lift your chin up... things will get better and there are new experiences out there for you to try, u have already tried 3 not 'so good ones' for you, go look for something else!

That is usually how i get over my blues, i look for something totally new to me and that i have never tried. Works all the time. Make it somethig challenging!

[Momene]

Listen people, it doesn't matter. He dumped me today. He told me he doesn't love me. We worked for a year just for this. Thanks for the advice though.

How long does it take for a broken heart to heal? I will live through this right?

 

No formula but it took me 2 years when my first marriage broke up. If I had my time again, I could probably do it in 6-9 months. No contact and if you are able to move away do so. It was what finally worked for me.