Imperceptible Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 I thought my friend and I were good friends until I noticed she's only interested in talking with me when she wants to find out all of the dirt on me. But if I had a bad day and want to kick back and talk so I can cheer up or if I have a good day and want to kick back and enjoy the moment she disappears. But when she finds out about drama in my love life or school she's there. I'm try to be there for her whenever she has problems. But she almost never tells me her problems so I can't be there for her as often as I could be. I hate where this friendship is going and I'm thinking about letting this friendship sink like the Titanic and do NC. Would any of you remain friends with someone like this? Am I being too hard on her? Link to comment
DN Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Would you remain friends with someone who only want to gossip? Nope - I'd drop her quickly. She thrives on other people's misfortunes and that is not healthy for either of you. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 That's not a true friend. I wouldn't wnat to hang out just to hear them tell their sadness, you gotta enjoy company too and chill, have happy moments. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Hmmm....I had a friend who acted kind of like that too...If I ever was interested in a particular guy, she wasn't too interested in hearing about that at all. But if she found out I turned a guy down, then she'd grill me for answers why I didn't like him! Which I really didn't care to explain myself. I feel I have my reasons and they should be accepted as valid. There was more to it than just that. I finally figured out she didn't have a life of her own, and didn't actually want me to be successful, and was thriving hearing about the things that weren't going well for me. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Nope - I'd drop her quickly. She thrives on other people's misfortunes and that is not healthy for either of you. Good god, DN, are you reading my posts before I get them out???!!! Link to comment
RayKay Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Naw, not my style. She sounds like a "fairweather" (by that in this case I mean superficial thriving on your misfortune kind of person) friend anyway. We can have many kinds of friends, but I am not into someone only into gossiping or my misfortune! Friendship is a two way street, if you find the negatives outweight the positives, time to move on. Link to comment
Marianne Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Anyone who gossip have nothing else to do they have no life ! mature ppl keep their comments to theirselves of things ppl who gossip have alot of growing up to do Link to comment
Imperceptible Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 I guess the decision is unanimous. But what if she does favors for me sometimes? For example she helped me study for my med school exams (she's in grad school for psychology and helping me study didn't help her), she picked me up in a town an hour and a half away when my car broke down and she took me back to that town to pick up my car after it was repaired. I've done things for her too but I don't know if favors can save a friendship. She's been married for 2 years and I know she tells her husband everything. She tells him about my problems and he offers his advice. I assumed she would keep everything a secret. Do friends know when things should not be repeated to husbands or anyone at all? Is it wrong to assume everything that's said between friends should remain between friends? Link to comment
alteer Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 I've had friends like this before....needless to say they didn't remain my friends for long. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Well first about her doing nice things mine I was talking about she did those too, and I of course reciprocated. So I understand your quandry. But in the end after 7 years, I started to feel that things were too imbalanced. For example she wouldn't go out to clubs or certain events with me because of silly reasons, such as *she claimed* that all the guys would flirt and want to dance with me, etc. First of all (just for starters..) that's an insult to me, because I am not such a bad friend that I would leave my friend in a corner, left out and not try to involve her...anyway there's lots to it...but I finally came to wonder if the friendship was really beneficial to me, and felt it really wasn't....that's what you have to decide about your friend....maybe she does these certain things to keep you around...most likely she's got some big self esteem issues (don't we all?), but she is allowing them to interfere with your friendship. As far as repeating things to husbands that's a good question...I've usually gotten along pretty well with my friends' SOs, so it hasn't been too much of an issue when they do that. But sometimes I've felt the need to stress on certain things.." DON'T tell 'Joe'"....because I know they do that. So I guess it depends. I mean is she telling him things even when you asked her not to? And also, what is her motivation for telling him? Is it to get a good perspective to offer to you? Or is it to make you look bad, thereby elevating herself? Link to comment
Imperceptible Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 Hmmm....I had a friend who acted kind of like that too...If I ever was interested in a particular guy, she wasn't too interested in hearing about that at all. But if she found out I turned a guy down, then she'd grill me for answers why I didn't like him! Which I really didn't care to explain myself. I feel I have my reasons and they should be accepted as valid. There was more to it than just that. I finally figured out she didn't have a life of her own, and didn't actually want me to be successful, and was thriving hearing about the things that weren't going well for me. I know what you mean. I was dating this guy and things didn't work out. She grilled me on everything we did on our dates together. She started talking about how she missed dating since she's been married and how marriage is disappointing and dull and if she wasn't married she would jump at the chance to sleep with the guy I was dating. She talked about how and why she thought he was so sexy. I laughed. I can't remember if she laughed. She never expressed anything like this before and we've been friends for 3 years.She grilled me on why things didn't work out. Link to comment
Imperceptible Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 It seems as if we're talking about the same person She's telling him to get perspective to offer me. So in this case telling an SO would be ok? She's not trying to make me look bad. I've never felt like I've had real friends before 3 years ago so when she talks to her husband about these things it's hard for me to understand this is normal and ok. I tell her not to tell some things but I don't know if she follows through. And some things are so obvious that I think not telling is implied. If she doesn't know me as well as I think does, then I shouldn't assume she'll stay quiet. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 She talked about how and why she thought he was so sexy. We were joking but her attitude was scary Oh, I've so been there...don't you feel like, "I would never say that to my friend about someone she'd been dating!!" Some people are just damn weird! I think it's a definite jealousy/ self-esteem thing. I've encountered a few of those in my life too. Get rid of them. You know, I'm not a Paris Hilton fan or anything, but I remember one day I was wathcing TV, some talk show or something. This interviewer was asking Paris about the split between herself and her longtime best friend. Paris said "All I have to say is, 'Don't be friends with people who are jealous of you'". Well, at that, my opinion of Ms. Hilton's intelligence actually went up a notch. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 It seems as if we're talking about the same person It does! Maybe they're in cahoots! lol.. She's telling him to get perspective to offer me. So in this case telling an SO would be ok? She's not trying to make me look bad. I've never felt like I've had real friends before 3 years ago so when she talks to her husband about these things it's hard for me to understand this is normal and ok. To me, this is ok, if you like him and trust him, then I guess it's ok. And some things are so obvious that I think not telling is implied. I know you'd think so, at least we hope so, right Link to comment
Imperceptible Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 Oh, I've so been there...don't you feel like, "I would never say that to my friend about someone she'd been dating!!" Some people are just damn weird! I think it's a definite jealousy/ self-esteem thing. I've encountered a few of those in my life too. Get rid of them. You've been there too?! I thought that was too weird! I had the same thought "I would never say that to a friend!!!" If I did one of my friends would slap me or at the very least be offended. I couldn't think of anything to say after she told me. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 I know sometimes these so called friends we're talking about really work in double standards, and you end up wondering why you seem to have so much more consideration for them than they do for you... Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Paris said "All I have to say is, 'Don't be friends with people who are jealous of you'". Well, at that, my opinion of Ms. Hilton's intelligence actually went up a notch. OH GOD! THAT WHOLE QUOTE JUST MADE ME LAUGH A MILE A MINUTE! Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Laughs are good for you Link to comment
RayKay Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 So I read something today in the newspaper that some research has shown that "negative gossiping" brings people together....that it's not about the person they are talking about, but the bonding together which says "I like you enough to gossip". They also did some "tests" where they told people they would both feel a certain way about a person after they did a test, and those whom thought negative of the subject bonded together better...strange! Anyway, thought it was kind of interesting! Link to comment
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