Don't trust my head or my heart - help!

[sharon21]

Ok - I admit I have been out of the dating scene for longer than I would like to admit....I don't 'connect' with alot of guys - I am not a 'dater' really anybody I have 'gone out' with has ended up in a long term relationship....k that being said - about 6 months ago I met this guy and immediately we had this amazing connection....it was pretty intense....we kept it fairly platonic for about a month (healthy boundaries ya know) and yet it was admittedly by both of us one of those things that rarely happen. He is self admittedly not the 'settling down' type (never been married - 41 years old) but has been in a couple of longer term relationships. He told me from the get go that I reminded him of someone that broke his heart.

Well after about a month we stepped things up and it was still pretty intense (marathon conversations etc) He was working in my town for that period and it was shortly after that his livelihood took him away - we still talked every day and we made time to see each other about once a week.

Not being 18 and not wanting to be under any misconceptions after a couple of months I broached the subject of some sort of definition (are we 'dating? are we just casual yada yada yada) he avoided any real answers other than to tell me that he loves 'hanging' with me, thinks I am the coolest chick ever, what we have doesn't happen in his world, the physical is amazing ...and he wasn't sure why I was confused.

There have been a couple of things he has cancelled on showing up for but advised me that he is used to making sacifices in his life for business, if I could cut him some slack it would get better. (and in general he has NO concept of time - not only with me but with everyone....)

The time together hasn't gotten any better although we still talk on the phone at least once a day ...

I don't feel like we are really in a 'relationship' and yet its more than a friendship so I don't feel free to date ( and truthfully I don't really want to see anyone else) but the non-committal - ness (I am sure that isn't a word) and the sporadic time we seem to have together (he doesn't live in my town but we are only 30 minutes apart) makes me wonder how long is long enough - ultimately in the long run this won't be enough for me and yet I don't want to throw in the towel too soon because it is very very cool what we have..........

I have my own life and certainly don't need him to be mine so its not that I am expecting or wanting any sort of long term commitment but if we are in even the beginning of a relationship in his eyes I am not sure how to tell, and how to find out if hes not capable of actually saying the words.

Any advise?

[Edz]

Never, never, never be down and pity yourself, it's not healthy! Not only toxicate your mind but also create stress emotionally and physically. Its like... killing yourself. To date with different guys is a fun and adventurous event, enjoy!! Maybe you were just being matched with guys not really your type. If you want there's this site webdate dot com that you would know guys first through the net rather than meeting them personally at once. Love that idea? I've been there, it's cool!

[phantomwolff85]

If you like how things are, I would keep them the way they are. I would keep in mind though that this guy might not want a long term relationship so just kind of prepare yourself that the fun might end some time. You seem like an intellgent and together woman so I would enjoy it while it lasts, but not expect too much.

[LovinIt]

It depends how your heart feels you know....are you constantly finding yourself disappointed in the lack of time he spends with you....or i dont know....other things??? I am in a similar situation, and it's very hard to let something go that could possibly be the best thing that ever happened to you.....considering you wait it out and play your cards right....But i ask myself....if playing my cards right is something I should even have to do...I feel as if there could be someone even better out there that does not leave you wondering what the hell is going on. I understand your dillemma, and I guess it's up to you how much you can take??? If he treats you well, generous, loving, committed, (not necesarily the bf- gf title) But you know that he's ONLY with you, then I would wait it out a little longer...I wish I could take my own advice!! Something else.....I have learned through past relationships is that you can't be afraid to rock the boat. If you have needs that arent being met, then you need to say something...it's fair to neither of you to be unsatisfied...if something is hurting you, say so. In the end....if it isnt supposed to be, then why drag it out longer...and keep yourself unavailable for meeting the person who IS right for you. It sounds like you and I are a lot alike...its hard to give it up when it can be so good...however, we have needs to! I wish you luck...keep me posted!

[eyeswideopen]

Maybe I misunderstood but it sounds like your are under 18 years old and he is 41 years old? Did I read that right?

[keenan]

I'm not positive, but I think she meant that she's not 18 anymore--i.e., that her eyes are open.

[keenan]

Hi Sharon,

 

Welcome to ENA.

 

If this man told you that he's not the "settling down type," I'd believe him--unless and until he says otherwise. If he changes his mind, he'll be capable of saying the words.

 

Really.

[JustNormal]

Well he's been straight up. Why aren't you listening. First of all, he's mature. He knows that you look like his ex-g/f that broke his heart. Which means he knows that he's probably going to end up working out his past issues on you because of that. What is it called- transposition.. some goofy word. I forget- they made up the word anyway. OK, next he says he's a confirmed bachelor, in so many words. Which means he doesn't commit- which means he doesn't commit- Which Means He Doesn't Commit.

 

So, your question is why doesn't he commit and say that you are dating. Well.. he doesn't have to. Doesn't want to. He told you so. Pick a reason. You just posted the answer yourself. Guys really do mean what they say. Our deepest thoughts are pretty damn shallow. We aren't real complex. We don't stab you in the back. We stab you in the front. So go on those assumptions when you talk to him again.

 

And if you don't like what he's saying, then that parts up to you.