My boyfriend's ex is driving me crazy

[Aschleigh]

My boyfriend is awesome in so many ways. He broke up with his ex 7 months ago, but they kept seeing eachother and sleeping together right up until a week after he met me and we decided to be together.

He talks to her weekly. She IMs him, text messeges him. They are in contant often, oh and she lives at his parents house in Utah.

We , my boyfriend and I live in Los Angeles. He moved here 3 months ago, after we met in Utah. They were together 3 and a half years, and remained good friends afterword or even Friends with Benifits for 4 months after breaking up. So in total it's 4 years their relationship lasted and she still calls weekly.

It really bothers me how close they are. He keeps saying 'it's just a friendship now" , I don't believe him. She wants to be with him, even though he's moved on a bit.

Anyway, we, my boyfriend and I are going back to Utah . I have asked him to ask her to get another place to stay, other than his parents house the a few days we are there. He has a lot of trouble doing this, becuase she lives there and has no where else to go apparently. I said we could pay for her to stay in a Hotel room for a couple of nights so that I at least don't have to deal with her except the bare minumum. She will probably be at parties we go to.

He doesn't understand why it bothers me so much. His Ex girlfriend is all over his life, living in his house, calling, texting, IMing.

At this point I feel like it's me or her. I can't and don't want to compete with 4 years of history, his parents love her, she is a charity case apparently and they all want to help her. I think my boyfriend's loyalty should be to me and making me comfortable when I am in his town at his home. My feelings are hurt, His feelings are hurt. What do you think?

[Blue Skittles]

Personally I would not want to be in a relationship where an ex-girlfriend was involved, especially as involved as she is. I don't think many would. Why did they break up?

 

I don't think he is 100% over her, and with her still in his life, I think this is a really bad time for a relationship to develop between you two. Its a rebound, and more than likely it will not last long as there are already so many hurt feelings.

 

I think you should break it off with him, or else just tell him you can not commit to a relationship with him if she is still around. If he can't do that, then I suggest you move on and find a guy who will be 100% devoted to YOU.

[Skippy]

get out. dont look back

WWWAAAAAYYY to complicated

[RayKay]

Yikes, this is definitely an awful lot of "drama" involving the ex.

 

Whether she is a "charity" case or not, your boyfriend should not be the one "saving her" and there should be some boundaries to their relationship. It is not respectful to you that he is in constant contact with her. I also find the fact she still lives with his parents a bit...peculiar.

 

I think you yourself know what your "limit" is. If this is too much, and makes you uncomfortable, it's time to tell him you are uncomfortable with it. If he can't see why that is an issue and take some steps to fix it, it's time for you walk. I certainly find it bothersome too....how can you start your own life together when she is always there - not in the background, but still very much in the present?

[lovecrazy]

I agree with RayKay, I can deal with the occasional Hello, how are you?

 

But IMO its way too much contact between the two. Do what you feel is best. If that doesnt work, with her staying in a hotel, why dont you two actually do that? Maybe that might help!

[Aschleigh]

Fortunatley, unfortunately I am already very in love with my boyfriend. I am 29, he is 22. I have searched for a very long time for someone so caring and loving and kind. At this point I am committed to working on anything that comes up between us. If anyone is running away from this , it will be him. Having dated for 15 years I have a pretty good idea of when I have something good. And he is willing to compromise.

I want a lot from and in this relationship. If we can't deal with this smallish quibble than that might be very telling of things to come. I can only take it day by day. We will see eachother on wednesday, hopefully by then he has told his ex that she needs to vacate the house for a few days, and although she won't like it ( my intention is not to hurt her or anyone, I just need a healthy amount of space for my relationship to flourish) she will be thinking of places to stay or I will get her a hotel room. I wish she would just take care of herself so I, nor my boyfriend, nor his parents would have to. She's an adult. Now's the time to take care of your own stuff.

But my issue isn't with her. I need a BF who is considerate of my feelings and takes my needs into consideration when making plans. I'm holding firm on my boundries, so reason to set a presedent for them getting ran over. This is who I am.

thanks for the feedback everyone

[Skippy]

i think you are wrong there. your are judging her from your own experiences in life. You can't in this situation.

 

Obviously this girl means something to his family. You might be able to expect him to tell her to move out to a hotel, BUT you can;t expect the parents to extertain YOU. This girl has a separate relationship with his family that has nothing to do with you OR her ex (your current bf, their son).

 

hmmm, i think you are not seeing the bigger picture, you are seeing what you want and not consideing him, his family OR her.

 

From the way you talk about what you want, ou have already planned out the structure of what you see in your relationship and you expect him to entertain you. Be careful of that. There is an age discrepancy between 2 of you, as you have said you have had 15 years of relationship experience while he has had alot less. You have to let him try to figure out and at time tolerate his mistakes. If his family sees you telling him what to do, you will become the enemy.

 

He has some growing up to do, you have to realise that and give him the room to. For you, my advice is to understand that this is not only your and his problem, she is staying at his family's home and HE cannot tell her to move out of this Father/Mothers house. It is that simple.

 

You are in a situation that you will haveto meet this 'special' friend in person and get to know her. Watch them when they are together and see whether he has chemistry with her. I see that you just dont want to handle this situation, but you are gong to have to meet his ex. Controlling him to get her out of view will not help in the long term as his ex has a close relationship with his parents and thus, may continue to be in his life.

 

The choice is yours, this situation is as such, telling him what to do isnt going to help here.

[Aschleigh]

First things first is me protecting myself. i am in no shape to look at the "larger picture" any time soon. I need to take care of my boundries and then see what I can do. I do care about my boyfriend's feelings immensely.

I am not wanting to hurt anyone.

But I am creating a boundry around my primary relationship. I will not apologize for that. I have no responsibility to be friends with his ex. I can't do that right now. I have limits and that is it.

[Skippy]

in understand what you are saying... but to be honest you are in no position to ask your boyfriend to ask his ex to leave his parents house.

the ex has a relationship wih the parents, it is their house. You will be viewed in bad light if you think you can pressure your bf to ask hs parent to ask his ex to leave their house.

you just be viewed as a control freak.

Hmm, you are obviously an independent women but this situation cannot be handle according to only just your liking. this situation has 5 parties in it. YOU, Him, ex, father, mother and possibly siblings.

 

Complicated.

QOUTE:

I think my boyfriend's loyalty should be to me and making me comfortable when I am in his town at his home.

 

Wrong, you are going to visit his parents, it isnt about you, it is about you fitting in his families life. It looks like the family has adopted the ex as a daughter. You are going to have to handle it. Looks like you are not negociatable with this. You just want the ex out. seems that is visit has friction written all over.

 

They will not ask the ex to move out for you. IF you are going to continue with this issue you ARE going to put yourself in bad light with the family and the relationship with you current bf will turn sour.

 

My suggestion is, accept it, this trip isnt about about you, it is about introducing you in the good light to the family. If you sulk about this the family will spot it and again i say it... things wil get sour.

[patience]

Did you know about the situation with his ex when you met him?

Did you choose to get involved with him knowing he was still so close with his ex?

[Aschleigh]

yes, I knew they were friends. I didn't know how close they were or that it would be such a problem. The first week we were together she called a lot and I asked him to not take calls from her while he was with me. He said he wouldn't talk to her while I was around but he didn't stick to it.

And she wasn't living with his family until recently.

I don't know what is appropiate for me to have to deal with and what isn't.

I have told him that his relationship with his ex upsets me. I don't know what more I can do.

[AwdreeHpburn]

OK Seriously!! Knee-jerk reaction - He has a new gf! Its time for them BOTH to move on.

 

If they can't, then you need to.

 

None of ya'll are being very respectful of your realtionship.

 

Offered to pay for her to stay in a hotel?! WHAT??

 

Do any of you people involved in the triangle care about each other or yourselves??

 

Ok, calm down T......a bit more rational response...

 

Right, if it were me and I was the ex, I would ask if my presense bothered his new gf. If it did, I would try to make myself scarce.

 

If I was your bf and I saw how this upset you, I would find a way to accomadate or assure you that there is nothing to this past relationship.

 

If I were YOU and things kept going from weird to weird-er...it would be ultimatum time. Her or me.

 

OK - Benefit of the doubt time - What if this is one of those situations where she has known the family forever, she's not going anywhere but neither is their relationship? How will you know? I guess you're going to have to gauge that for yourself.

 

Buck up, go to Utah, meet her, give her a chance and the benefit of the doubt or get out of the relationship...

 

And that's all I got....

 

-T

[Skippy]

again i say it... this is not gong to go totally the way you see it.

you have a couple of choices,

Accept and meet this ex that is part of the family AND NOT judge.

OR

NOT Accept thus installing a grain of salt that will slowly sour the relationship.

 

Bythe way, i have a feeling it isnt that ex that is only driving you crazy, it is the lack of options and the lack of control that is driving you crazy

 

Just my opinion.

[Aschleigh]

Update:

 

I just learned a couple of days ago that before my boyfriend left Utah and moved to LA his ex got pregnant ( they were still sleeping together ) and about a month or so into our relationship she had an abortion. And He paid for it.

I'm fuzzy on the details but she must of said something like I need an abortion and I don't have any money to pay for it. He gave her $600. She already owed him $1800.

There's no way to tell if she was telling the truth or needed the money. But

he possibilly came very close to have a child, after he was in a relationship with me.

She lives at his house in Utah, so she sees his mail and calls him about overdue Blockbuster payments.

She calls every week.

I don't get why he doesn't cut it off. Why he lets her cause problems with me. I am in love with but upset by this. I know it's my choice. There are so many good things about him.

I'm not going to Utah, this is really a mess and I don't want to go into it and be hurt which is a possibility if i go to Utah and am forced to spend time with his Ex. But other than that it's hard to accept his relationship with her.

[Skippy]

i am sorry to hear that you ar finding these things out now.

Personally i would only advise you one thing, to get out.

I know you love him, you have fallen for him pretty hard. You are just finding out important information about him and his charaeristics now and you are trying hard to over look it. There is a problem with his ex, but i think he is also a problem. Maybe a bigger problem.

PLease step back and look at things in the bigger picture before you get caught up further with your feelings.

Look at the picture for what it really is. She is not the only guilty one here.

I hope things work out for you

[soph4487]

That is really tuff, thing is in past when iv broke up with people iv never really reminded great friends and I think if you enter a new relationship you shudnt really have the ties of an x. He isnt consdering your feelings keep textin and msning all the time really is he, and Im sure that if it was other way round he would want you doing the same. I dont think I personally would be comfy with my bf of a year now keep textin x of like 6 months! unless theres a reason for you, He is with you now and needs to let what they had go. Its a tuff thinf really as you obviosuly really like him, but you need to ask yourself is he worth it?

[RayKay]

Hmm. Well, those are some interesting developments.

 

It sounds like she is still rather integrated in his life, at least partly because of her living arrangements.

 

I think you have to decide...honestly, if you DO want to be with him I think you SHOULD go to Utah and present to her, and his family YOU are a couple. At least then if she IS inappropriate while you are there, you can talk to him directly about it.

 

I wonder what role he sees her having in his future..like is she going to live with his parents forever? Will she always be there?

[Aschleigh]

Yes skippy you are right here about the problem not really being her or the situation so much as I worry it is him , my boyfriend. I am now really getting to know him. Maybe it's good this stuff comes out so I can make real, fully informed decisions.

I Love him very much, I am still figuring out what that will be like in terms of our relationship. No relationship is easy. I have to see what I can handle and what I can't.

[xprincessbugx]

I would get out of this relationship until he settled things with the ex. Like the other posters the family loves her and want to help her and I think you should let things go for awhile or maybe take a break untl he figures out what he wants. Whether he treats you right and cares or not you need to realize he is disrespecting you.

[Aschleigh]

ok, I did it I told him that I need him to cut off all contact from her. I did it in an e-mail becuase I was affraid I wouldn't be able to say it in person.

I feel stressed. I don't want to lose him. I love him no matter what. But I can't be in a relationship that causes me constant pain . It's not worth losing me to have him in my life.

I said that I need him to cut off contact or I need to take a brake until it was totally settled between them. I hope it's not over. I know he loves me. I hope we can work something out where I feel comfortable and he doesn't necesarrily have to give up the friendship, just the constant contact she likes so much.

[savannahohsavannah]

Even though yours is relatively small you are suffering from the love triangle-itis that young people love to create...self-created drama. First, don't demand that young woman leave his parents house not for ANY reason. It makes you look like a ballbreaker, and even if he doesn't mind, you have to get to know and become friends with his parents. You are old enough to have thought of that one yourself, actually. Why didn't you? Are you so angry at her for not moving on that you just want to lash out a bit? Don't! Let the hotel money go for your room with him and make it a romantic holiday, even if you have to warn hotel security about her and that you don't want to be interrupted by anyone.

Good luck to you. I echo the too much drama sentiments from others. He's not ready for one woman. He's loving getting social strokes from you both. I'd move on.

[Aschleigh]

I'm not going to utah at all. I can't afford it or take the time off work so that's a moot point anymore.

 

He said he would ask her not to call but he's not happy about it. He wants to keep up a close friendship with her and a relationship with me. He thinks he should be able to have both at the same time.

He said he loves me. I know tis is hard for him to ask her to stop calling but I think it's necesary for the health of our relationship.

I feel sad but better that I asked.

[Skippy]

Hey aschleigh,

i think you really need to step back to look at this. You are feeling insecure. I have to say this, but your bf didnt finish his relationship withhis ex properly and i think you are the rebound.

 

The gf has a part in this but, it is your bf that is the problem because he is bringing up all the insecurity in you.

Because you are feeling so damn insecure and you are trying to control YOUR insecurity. You are now directly controlling you current bf. I dont think it is a good thing to start controlling other people to stop YOUR insecurity.

I know that it is hard to do. Trust me i DO know, but it looks like you are in an unhealthy relationship, I am not saying that you have to drop him because of this baguage What i am saying is that u have to take a step back and learn about his baguages.

To be honest, you guys have been out for a few months now and livng together. why is it only now he mentions about the possible pregnancy? and about his depth of his relationship?

 

It seems to me that u have to sit down and have a heart to heart talk about your baguages to see if you can ACCEPT things. (NOT HANDLE IT)

I think you should not have to tell any bf/gf to stop comunication with an ex or a threat. They should do it automatically if they care enough, otherwise, they just don't care enough and it is time to walk away.

 

What i am trying to say is, that he isnt wrong or he isnt right. His life has it's baguage and yours too. YOU have to figure out if you can ACCEPT it ( BUT not controlling it). If you cant.. it is time to walk.

 

A buddist taxi drive shared this with me... If it comes it comes.. if it goes it goes. By forcing it to come you only make your life unhappy because in the end it will still go. (you knew it from that start of the relationship). Life is no meant to be hard. You just have to let things go and not think too much.