helping my mother (and myself) after dad's death

[btbt]

My father died last September. I feel like I'm slipping into a black hole. I am trying to deal with this grief while at the same time going through a difficult career decision. I cannot talk with my mother at all. She is effectively the only family I have left, but she is not doing very well. She's become irritable and often snaps at me, hangs up the phone etc. etc. I've gotten her a therapy session for mother's day, and I hope that helps.

 

I'm feeling pretty hopeless; my career is not where I want it to be and I feel like my mother has shut me out when this is time we should be most supportive of each other. I want to be as supportive as possible with my mother, but I don't know what to do.

[ld25]

Dear btbt,

I can understand how you feel. First thing, dont worry, you are not alone. Second thing, things will get better, the darkness will fade and you'll see light if you believe and if you want to.

 

Dont give up hope especially at this time. Focus on your career thing that's affecting you now.

 

Your mum might not be able to communicate to you at this time due to her own problems. But a mother's love is unconditional and supportive all the time and dont worry abt not being able to open up to her right now. I suppose, you'll have your time together sooner and hopefully be supportive to each other.

 

Take care of yourself and cheer up. Life has to go on.....

 

People die, but memories don't.... Recollect all the good times you had and inspire yourself to move on... (I am sure your dad up in the heaven wants to see you as a successful person....)

 

We are always there if you need support ...

 

Best Wishes,

LD

[btbt]

Thanks, ld25. I think the hardest part of this is realizing for yourself and having others realize that depression is a real illness. My mom is of the generation where there is no such thing as depression (you just need to "snap out of it"), so she doesn't acknowledge her own grief well. I've acknowledged that this has put me into a deep sadness, even a clinical depression, but it doesn't translate well to family members, bosses etc.

[ld25]

Dear btbt,

I can understand what you mean. It's very true that NOT everyone acknowledges that they are depressed and get 'real help'. I suppose, it's certain individual's belief and will power that enables them to be isolated and force themself to handle a crisis themselves without any 'support' from others. For instance, in a way, i'm glad that my mum is one such person. She really doesn't discuss her problems with anyone. She's very strong and faces everything by herself. Infact, she's there for everyone whenever they are in trouble or need a listening ear. And for such personalities, they believe in their inner-strength and ability to cope with the problems in life.

 

I used to think the same, and tried to be like her. Besides, i was more stronger when i was around her. But only when, i was away from home i realised that i needed help/support to enable me to face harsh realities in life. I was so hesitant to seek help b'cos it seemed like i was handicapped and seeking assistance to overcome my hurdles. I was forcing myself not to seek outside help and ended up being so distressed. But however, im glad that someone from this forum (my best friend now) suggested to seek professional help and I am glad i did.

 

It's kind of a big relief that you would be able to speak to someone who 'cares' for you and it's a sort of 'outlet'. This kind of support is especially important to anyone who's really very sensitive and get trapped by emotional burdens. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, NOT EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS & SUPPORT THAT DEPRESSED PEOPLE REQUIRE. Therfore, you should NOT worry about whether they approve or understand this.

 

For instance, some people when they fall ill, they approach the doctor to seek help. While others, take their own remedies. So basically, all this depends on what YOU personally think would help you most. It would be stupid to mock at someone who's ill and seeking doctor's help and it's equally stupid enough for not understanding that depressed people need help/support.

 

Take care and hope you find your way out of the 'black-hole' sooner!

 

Best Wishes,

LD

[hosswhispra]

It's very early yet (since your father's passing), btbt. No one knows how they will act when they grieve. I know I felt (and still feel) that I was at a crossroads when Dad died.

 

Spousal lost is one of the toughest things to go through (according to my reading about the grieving process). Your mom does not mean to snap at you. My mom acted similarly to me. I remember what my father used to tell me---he used to say that, "words to a grieving person are futile". Sometimes the best thing is just our presense around each other---no words necessary...as they will not help.

[btbt]

Hey, thanks everyone. This has been really helpful. I realized that it is important to remember the love the underlies everything, and not to invest too much in outward actions, which can be unstable while people grieve. I'm thinking of a friend whose sibling died many years ago. Her parents were torn up, but she told them she refused to see them cry in front of her and that she was not going to take on the caretaker role, and that they would have to get it together themselves. This is kind of what my mom did to me. I feel like my friend's response was pretty harsh, but realize that it's not because she didn't love her parents and didn't want to support them, but she was just so overwhelmed and knew her limits at the time.

 

Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate it. I heard some poet say somewhere that death is an opportunity for transformation. True, we will never be the same again, but we can seize what lays ahead of us.

[ld25]

Hi btbt,

I am so glad to see those wise words of wisdom flow out!

 

It's been a tough time for you, but yes, we should move on.

 

Be successful and do all that you can to reach there...and that's the best you can do to make your dad & mum proud of you!

 

Best Wishes,

LD