wasted youth (just a rant)

[Stinkweed]

I feel like I've wasted all my youth. I mean, let's be realistic, I'm no longer REALLY young anymore. I'm going to go to college, work my butt off doing schoolwork, no more guitar for me, no more dreams about starting a band for me, no more dreams of skateboarding for me... So yeah, I consider myself the epitome of wasted youth. I mean, my high school, my life as a teenager feels like it only started about 2 years ago, because before that, I was very unhappy, and I had even less of a life, believe it or not (no friends, no hobbies, no passion for anything). But it only really really did start about 2 months ago, when I was no longer afraid to be myself, when I started being really sociable, when I finally started to try and do something about a girl I was interested in. In a way, I wish I were 14, and not 18, because, well, it is now that I finally feel "young", but at the same time "old" everytime I see into the not-so-distant future.

 

It saddens me, and I just wish I could get rid of this choking feeling, like I'm trapped... I don't wanna be a slave to schoolwork, or a slave to a job. I'm not saying I want to drift through life as a parasite either. I find the idea of being a Van Wilder so unacceptable... Yet, I just wish schoolwork weren't my LIFE... In a way that's how it feels, as if my life depended on it. Not so much now, that the year is almost over and I already graduated for sure... But in college I'll have to face a more realistic world and it's definitively not gonna be easier. I just can't see what everyone else is so excited about... Maybe it's what they want their lives to be, or maybe it's that they feel real interest towards it... I don't feel very mature thinking like this, but it's true... It's all I have in my mind about the topic. And everytime my parents detect a hint of that, they get angry and disappointed. I do not wanna let them down, but I do not wanna let myself down. And I'm just kinda scared, because they've lived life, I haven't lived at all... I do not want to take a year off because it won't be the same thing... In fact, if anything, it'd be better to start college, where at least I'll have a chance to meet people and stuff. It feels like I didn't even have a real youth, so who should I trust, my utter inexperience or my parents?

 

I'm so tired... I don't see what it is that people say that "sucks" in high school either. These last 2 years (despite how terrible this last one has been) have been, in my opinion, an essential experience. I've changed so much... It disgusts me how some people end up doing what they love doing, all those actors and the rich and famous. I mean, at least people like Bill Gates can be considered pioneers... But those other guys have an easy life no matter what they say no offense meant to anyone... I envy the athletes too... I don't have any talents. I can't say I am gifted in athletics or even people skills which I've only started developing way too late... So lucky of them to be blessed with said advantages... If I were a gifted artist, or musician, I would love life so much more... But now, I don't have any talents. I suck at everything, including computers, which is what I've gotten myself into (computer science)... I'm so jealous of those who don't make as much money either, but at least live lives of fullfillment... They dare to take the path of the struggling artist. Me? I'm to scared to do that. I know for sure I'd be on my own, and I would just loose... I wish I had realized earlier that every second wasted in my life, I will NEVER get back... Every moment/even I miss, every person I chose not to meet/befriend, everything... Every girl I didn't ask out. Everytime I didn't ask the girl I liked out. One time deal only. I will never get it back, and I will probably keep doing it, because I will be too depressed to follow my own advice. I said I was going to see a shrink... perhaps that'd be a good start, because I've been saying in for a while, and summer's pretty much here already... So yeah, it's a good opportunity... I do not know how I am going to do it, because I don't plan on letting my parents know... They just won't understand... THey'd probably laugh if they read what I just typed, because well, they're just stupid childish dreams probably. If they were in my shoes: being single, young, old, married, in a relationship with the love of their life, friends, no friend, lonely... None of that would matter if they graduated with A in all their classes and were to earn a load of cash. I can't even take advantage of these last moments in dreamland because I'm too busy looking into the future and realizing I've wasted my life living in a shell... The feeling that I can really do nothing is suffocating...

[Stinkweed]

I've written about this... I think I wrote about this a couple of months ago, but now the end is REALLY here, and I didn't do half of what I wanted to do... So yeah, that's how empty and unfullfilled I feel.

[redandblack]

The end is NEVER truly here -- it's only here if you think it is. You're still young by age -- 18... pssht I'm almose twenty one! You said you liked playing guitar. What happened with that? Why not try to get some new interests?

 

I totally know how you feel about being a slave to your a job (I read the communist manifesto a whole lot around your age). I would have felt the same about school, but I'm lucky to be IN school studying what I love (anthropology, poetry and philosophy). Find what you love and pull your whole influence into it. No matter what it is. I went through what you did at one point. I had two options -- follow a path that I knew would take me to a stable career with lots of money, but I would have to work a lot and devote myself to it; or I could study what I want, regardless of how much money I could make, and reject career mindedness. I chose the second option. I would blow my head off before I got trapped in a job I didn't feel was fulfilling me and wasn't helping people and society. I decided I wanted to try to make an impact.

 

Your life is yours. Right now you're at a crossroads. You need to figure out what is important to you in broad terms. If it's a comfortable life, a wife, kids, and a career, then do that. If you want to play in a band then do that (I suggest you go to college at the same time). Go to college. You'll find 'the class' that clicks with you and you'll fall in love. Whatever you do, follow your heart; try live without regrets; try to live a life worth living.

 

Goodluck

[emptychipbag]

Dude,... I'm 25 and I'm constantly living in the past all the time. I actually still look 18 or 19 (that's what people tell me) plus I still dress and act and do the things that 18 year olds do. I very strongly miss my teen years. I'm always daydreaming about them and reliving memories. I'm only 5 years away from being 30!! Now that's scary! I can't imagine even being that old! I don't ever want to be that old! I wish I had videotaped most of my teen years and I'd be re-watching them over and over as that would be the closest thing to a time machine I could get. I was a teen in the 90's and that was a decade of euphoric bliss and joy that I don't think I'll ever experience again. And part of it was because I was a teen with no obligations or responsibility and with dreams and goals and I was able to just have fun and enjoy life. (plus the state of the world was much better back then too,.. and the US economy was booming and things were expanding and everything was exciting and I was discovering new things and I had not a worry in the world.)

 

But you're still 18!! You still have one year of your teens left (not including the rest of your 18th year.) You need to spend some time having fun and doing some crazy things!

[Dako]

You might be full of hormonal teen angst, but the next ten years will be amazing for you. Most of the really cool stuff that makes you comfortable with yourself happens then.

 

Time will pass, and you'll get even older.

I'd give my left nut to be 30 right now, but 18? Nahhhh. To much tension and worry over everything.

Peer pressure is something I don't miss one bit. These days I don't care what people my age are into, I've got my own thing going on.

[hosswhispra]

Time will pass, and you'll get even older.

I'd give my left nut to be 30 right now, but 18? Nahhhh.

 

hahaha, thanks Dako for the chuckle

[Stinkweed]

But you're still 18!! You still have one year of your teens left (not including the rest of your 18th year.) You need to spend some time having fun and doing some crazy things!

I wish I had the guts to just take schoolwork a little less seriously... And I mean, I would like to have fun and stuff, and summer is coming up. But all of my friends... They're going away pretty soon, because some of them signed up for the marines. And they don't seem to be in the mood to do anything really... It's kinda late to find new friends... I could still give it a shot, though.

 

Peer pressure is something I don't miss one bit. These days I don't care what people my age are into, I've got my own thing going on.

I care very little about peer pressure. In fact, I am known for my stubbornness and simply having my way when it comes to that... So I guess that's why some people say high school sucks... It's different with my parents, though, who I do not want to let down, and I simply can't take it when they're all disappointed...

 

The end is NEVER truly here -- it's only here if you think it is. You're still young by age -- 18... pssht I'm almose twenty one! You said you liked playing guitar. What happened with that? Why not try to get some new interests?

 

Find what you love and pull your whole influence into it. No matter what it is. I went through what you did at one point. I had two options -- follow a path that I knew would take me to a stable career with lots of money, but I would have to work a lot and devote myself to it; or I could study what I want, regardless of how much money I could make, and reject career mindedness. I chose the second option. I would blow my head off before I got trapped in a job I didn't feel was fulfilling me and wasn't helping people and society. I decided I wanted to try to make an impact.

 

Your life is yours. Right now you're at a crossroads. You need to figure out what is important to you in broad terms. If it's a comfortable life, a wife, kids, and a career, then do that. If you want to play in a band then do that (I suggest you go to college at the same time). Go to college. You'll find 'the class' that clicks with you and you'll fall in love. Whatever you do, follow your heart; try live without regrets; try to live a life worth living.

 

Goodluck

Ok, you think a lot like I do. Or the other way around, since you're older, whatever. But I do wish I could just do something... creative. Deliver a message somehow... I do love to play the guitar, but I'm no good at it, because I haven't had much time to practice. I mean, over the summer I will start to practice a lot again. But I mean, I wanted to start a band really bad. It would've been ideal if I had started a band this year... awesome... But I didn't, so I dunno what to do now... I could try during college, and cross my fingers that it won't affect my grades... I really just want a garage band... I really wanted to play live a small show at a small venue... won't happen. Plus, I can't say I'd earn a lot of money from that unless I started a successful record label or something.

 

And I guess I chose already the path of the stable job that I won't love... I wish I had the courage to choose the other path. I mean, a friend of mine brought this up. I told him I was going into computers hoping it'd win me money some day, and he said that if I didn't love it, there'd be no way I'd really win money. Could that be true? If so, I'd rather choose a profession I love that wins me little money than one that wins me little money but i don't have a passion for to boot...

[hosswhispra]

I remember when I was a senior in high school. I had the worst insomnia during that time in my life. I remember feeling that I would never go to sleep because I kept on worrying about where I'd go to college and what I would major in. I was generally worried about the prospect of change in my life. I wish I could go back in time and tell that 18 year old girl not to worry so much (that is what I am telling you, stinkweed). Because eventually things fell into place very naturally for me, as I believe they will for you.

 

I think that you should chose a profession that you have an interest in. Otherwise, you may be unhappy. Passion is the essense of life, in my opinion. I believe ultimately you will find out what is best for you....as you seem like you're an intelligent person, judging from how you write and express yourself. My advice to you is not to worry so much and let things fall into place naturally.

[Stinkweed]

I think that you should chose a profession that you have an interest in. Otherwise, you may be unhappy. Passion is the essense of life, in my opinion. I believe ultimately you will find out what is best for you....as you seem like you're an intelligent person, judging from how you write and express yourself. My advice to you is not to worry so much and let things fall into place naturally.

That is what I am so afraid of... When do you think it is too late to change your mind? How do I even know if I'm going to make it, regardless the path I take?

[Phoenix69]

You will never know where you are going until you get there. Believe me. Im 22 years old now and I am SO not anywhere I saw myself being when I was 18. In fact, I still don't know where I want to be or even WHAT I want to be. Ive lost most of my passions due to depression and am only now working trhough my depression and trying to find my loves again. At least you know what you love