This is a bit more serious than my usual...

[AwdreeHpburn]

I have a 14 year old nephew who has been doing some things I consider inappropriate toward my seven year old daughter.

 

I am inclined to chalk it up to teenage awkwardness with the newly forming hormones and being inadequately prepared by his parents, but I am also afraid of its progression.

 

I don't want to get into specifics but there was no physical contact.

 

The thing of it is, this is not the first time similiar incidents have happened and I have talked to my sister, his mom. She was eventually receptive but over all, the topic comletely tore apart. And apparently it hasn't done any good.

 

I am hesitant to bring it to her attention yet again and I have no idea if I should or how I would bring it to HIS (my nephew's) attention.

 

My husband and I have decided to have a talk with our daughter about privacy and the importance of it. Of course nothing is her doing and the topic won't be broached as if it is. We of course plan to watch him around our children forever now.

 

But what, if anything, can/should I say to him or my sister??

 

Someone needs to give the kids a magazine!

 

Any ideas?? I mean, EVERYBODY goes thro puberty and there are so MANY hormones. Anybody have teenage boys? Anybody on here a teenage boy? Or was? What is normal behaviour?

 

Thank you for reserving judgement. I just don't know how to deal with it, with my sister.

 

Thanks for any insight!

-T

[Beyondthesea]

I am not quite sure what you are saying...is he trying to see her naked, etc?

 

At age 14, this is VERY inappropriate and cannot be chalked up to childhood mischief. If he is exhibiting sexual behaviors towards your 7 year old, he should be seen by a psychologist.

 

I would explain to your daughter that his actions are not right and that she should not be left alone with him, especially if she is a girl who is easily influenced/a follower, etc.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Beyond - yeh - see, that's what I mean. He is just (i say just because that's all it is so far) trying to "see" things right now.

 

I don't like it, it makes me really uncomfortable, but from his perspective, wanting to see is the normal part. Right? Acting on it is the not so normal part, I would imagine. Or IS that normal for someone his age?

[avman]

I think you are making a good choice by having the good touch, bad touch discussion with your daughter. She's old enough for you to be having that conversation anyway even if this wasn't happening.

 

I guess I'd be nervous too if I were you. I think it is fair to sit your sister down and lay down some ground rules where you state what is acceptable around your daughter and what is not. And if her son breaks those rules that you will not allow them to be alone together. Without specifics it's hard for me to advise you whether you need to take this any further like reporting it to the authorities, but I do think you have the right to be crystal clear to your sister what you will and won't tolerate.

 

As for your nephew I think it would be difficult for you to have any sort of conversation with him about it unless your sister was ok with you doing that. If not, I think that would cause a serious rift between you and your sister.

 

Try talking to your sister one more time about it. Hopefully she will get the message that this is a recurring serious problem and talk to her son about it.

[AwdreeHpburn]

well, I guess he's just playing games.

 

Actually, I suggested that the kids play simon-says. Ya know, simon says something and the kids have to do it?

 

Well, he was Simon and everything he "said" involved her opening up her legs. She was wearing a dress.

 

My brother put an end to it immediately without calling too much attention to the innappropriateness of it and told me about it later.

 

My nephew was also playing a "kissing" game where he and my daughter were kissing each other in different spots. They never got below the head/face/neck area but we stopped that after a few kisses too.

 

I just wondered how far it would have gotten if we weren't there.

 

And what's weird to me is that there were a couple of things before that he has SAID around my daughter. I told my sister and she freaked out. I told her and she got really defensive. Then she came around to the fact that maybe it was inappropriate. But her way of bringing it to HIS attention was horrible. It was a B I G family thing and I would've thought that he would be too mortified to try something like that again...

 

He's not a very mature 14 and I think its because of his mom. She babies him and I think is in denial that he's growing up.

[Beyondthesea]

That really freaks me out, the kissing game, etc. I would not allow them to be alone together.

 

He's not that immature if he is trying to groom a 7 year old girl! I would talk to your sister again and if she still won't do anything, I would not allow them to be alone together at all. Your concerns are very valid. He is NOT just being curious, he is being waaaaaay inappropriate!

[AwdreeHpburn]

yeh- ok. That's sort of what I thought. That's my gut feeling anyway. We've already decided that they will never be alone in the same room together. AND we're going to arm my daughter with the knowlegde of what's appropriate and what's not.

 

I'm mostly worried about telling my sister AGAIN that there's weird stuff going on with her son. She's not a reasonable person at all. This is her ONLY child and not only can he do no wrong, but he's her baby.......

 

Anyway - thanks everyone. I'll just have to face her.

 

THANK YOU!!

 

-T

[itsallgrand]

I just wanted to say: Good instincts, Tareesaw. It sounds like you handled a very sticky situation with much grace.

 

How did the convo go? I'm guessing..by what you say...that not much is going to change on sis/nephew end. So I'm glad you are arming your daughter now and making the appropriate boundaries to protect her.

 

It makes me so ridiculously happy to hear of good moms like you. thumbs up.

[FoxLocke]

I am not sure I would call him a "Pedophile" because, like you suggested, around those early adolescent stages kids are hormonally driven and interested in learning about sex...And whoever is "convenient" at the time they may try and "experiment."

 

However, it seems like NO ONE has taught this kid about inappropriate behavior. He should Already know that is not good.

And the Simon says game gives me the heebie Jeebies.

 

When I was 14-years-old I had urges to see more mature body parts(ie adults), via looking through magazines, videos, and etc...But this boy seems interested in what a child would look like. That is the part that bothers me, and I KNOW it bothers you.

 

Listen to your motherly instincts Ta_Ree_Saw because it will be in your's and your daughter's best instincts.

I would keep my kid away from him until there is some intervention done. I mean they could play together just as long as it is constantly supervised.

 

As it is I would not consider a 14-year-old, sexually curious, adolescent a hardened pedophile...Because he is just a kid. If he's 17 or 18 and still doing the same thing then that is when you start alerting authorities or something...

 

And make sure your little girl knows the difference between being touched in a good way and a "bad" way. Because he is older and can probably coerce her into something that she does not want to do. She has to be able to set boundaries for herself when mom isn't around.

[alyira]

This hit a little close to home. When I was 6, a 14 year old boy that had been hanging around my house for a few weeks to help out with yardwork and such started making innuendo casually for a few days, but I didnt think anything of it, and of course had no idea what most it meant. He started by asking me to show him certain parts, and really, at that age (was right before I started elementary school), I didn't see what the big deal was about nudity, so I showed. Then one day, he lured me a ways out into the woods by my house, and sexually assaulted me. My parents never knew until I was 17. The guy ended up being quite the delinquent as he got older.

 

I'm not saying this is your nephew at all; this was a worst case scenario. As has been said above, it's probably befuddled hormones, and maybe he figures your daughter is the easiest way to satisfy his curiosity because they've played together and know each other already. I'd keep up the constant supervision of the two of them when they play together, because God knows I wished my parents had never let me out of their sight, and it's always better safe than sorry. If he keeps exhibiting this sort of behaviour, then I can only hope you can gently and diplomatically bring it up to your sister again, so that he can get help before he starts doing worse things.

[AwdreeHpburn]

alyira - thanks much for that post. This is exactly why the concern.

 

Thanks so much for sharing that story and I am so very sorry that happened to you. I really appreciate the advice.

 

Since i posted this, I still haven't had the gumption to talk to my sister. I get more and more nervous with the more time that passes.

 

But I totally agree and I will work up to it.

 

Thanks all

[alyira]

No probs Ta_ree_saw. If the story helped give you a little more motivation to talk to your sister if the need comes up, then I'm glad. I figure you can't change the past, but you sure as heck can use the knowledge you gained from it to help yourself and others in the present. I understand that it would be and has been a difficult subject to broach with your sister, but you will find the strength and words to do it if the need arises. It's the best for all involved.

 

Take care!