Have you ever felt this?

[Stinkweed]

It is a weird sensation that even though I have plans for the future, I care very little about them... It's not completely apathy, but it's like I don't have a goal anymore. It's like, sure I'm going to college and graduating should be a goal... But I mean, that's now how I feel. I mean sure I am going to college, but I feel like if I died tonight that'd be it. Like college wouldn't matter no more, nothing... I can't say it'd feel like I've lived a very fullfilling life, given that I haven't experienced half of what I wish I had. But most of those things I wish I had experienced are thing I will never have a chance to experience anymore, because their for the youth, not for an adult. In other words, there's nothing I'm looking forward to... I'm not gonna feel bad about the past, because it's the past, but I wish I did feel adventurous, always wondering what the future will hold. Instead, I wouldn't care if I died tonight... But I don't want to die either. But I wouldn't care if I did either. It's quite a mess I've got going on in my head, to be frank. Like the only goals I have are just the ones tied to everybody's everyday life. Like graduating from college, getting a job. That makes me think less of those, because it's like going to school: I haven't missed a single day, even though there have been many chances I could have, and many others did. The reason is not because I want to learn, but because I have friends there and stuff. Right? People I was looking forward to talk to. I don't think it's normal to care more about things like these than the actual learning... But still, I just can't help but feel that life would be an empty shell if I were to just go to school, learn, and have no friends, make no jokes, do homework, and so on. I think my priorities are unbalanced and leaning to much to one side of things... I need new goals that will keep me going, that will make me look forward to college. But I can't see any... Could anyone at least let me know of a way of tricking, or lying to myself about this, like decieving my own mind?

[Jax]

You can't trick your own mind for very long. I think your problem is that you haven't found who you are yet. What is your reason for waking up every morning? You need to find out what makes you tick, and have a firm belief in something and then go out to accomplish it. Maybe you should take some time off from school and travel, read books, talk to people; try to get a sense of who you are.

[Cadence308]

You sound depressed, but possibly in denial. I feel like you do quite a bit. I feel like I'm working and going to school, but have very little time for entertainment, friends, and to just kick back and relax. I feel like work and school would be more successful for me if I had a more balanced life. But, I am so depressed most of the time and do not have a sense of empowerment, thereforeeee that makes me somewhat apathetic about life and my future.

 

Sometimes I do wonder if I died then what? Like all of these things that I'm doing daily and spending so much time and energy on, in the end they don't matter. They really don't. I think so many people get caught up in superficial things and things that they think are so important and in the end they don't matter. I once heard, "In the end, love is all that matters." I think it's really true, but it's so hard to change.

[Stinkweed]

That's just how I feel... Yet, I know there's no point in looking back, because when I do, I indeed feel depressed. The thing is that that's not only it. I just take a close look at everything, the world. It is so much more messed up than we think with war, hatred, inequality. It also makes me think sometimes, because think about how things will be in 30 years? And I'm like, we're a long way from 30 years... But, oh, wait! The chances of me being alive 30 years from now are not that low, you know? I mean, were not talking about 70-100 years. We're talking about just 30 years, nothing will be the same. I will be 58, so yeah, chances I make it to 58, unless my life were to be cut short, are high. My life has changed in the last TWO years... No, in the last 2 months... The world has changed radically in the last FIVE years. Imagine what things will be like 30 years from now... I mean, I do not even look forward to fall, let alone 1 year, 2 years.... 30 years. Life's too long for me... I do not want to die, but I feel bad for those who have died but didn't want to... For them who were good, and had plans and hopes for the future. For those who lived life with zest, but it was cut short by an unfortunate accident. I think about this one time, I was walking and there were thunder and lightning going on. I thought that the only reason I absolutely didn't want lightning to strike me, was because of my parents... I don't want them to bury me. Heck, I don't want my grandmother to bury me... For the rest, I couldn't have cared less really, because it's a game of chance where lightning will strike next, especially if your surrounded by trees, and other man-made structures that are more likely to be the next target... or are they? I mean there were people in other places who were indeed struck. People who probably had plans... So yeah, I'm very confused right now. But just knowing that there's people who are reading this makes me feel so much better really. THank you all!

[Stinkweed]

Actually there are a few things I do wish really bad I could do. But none of them seem possible at all. I mean, like I said, stuff I should've done already, because as an adult who is about to go to college, there will be no time for such things... Sometimes I just wish that I had been born during another period of time... Like maybe had I been a teenager in some other period of time, things would've been different. Or maybe if I could get another shot, I would do so many things differently. I just wish that maybe there weren't so many rules. That life weren't so restricted. you take a path, and it's just a tunnel, instead of being a huge open field where you can see the northern, southern, western and eastern skies. Instead you only see a forking path in all of them paths the sky that you see in the end is in the same direction. I think I made a mistake in choosing the college I chose... I think I made a mistake in choosing the major I chose. But then again, I was too afraid to try something I knew for sure I liked, because:

 

1- It would've been frowned upon by my parent's. I know this, because they knew which college I wanted to go to, and they were not happy... In the end I chose the one they wanted me to go to. Now they're like "are you happy with your choice? You gotta be sincere" Yeah right, I tried being sincere already and they pretty much made fun of me.

2- I'm just too afraid that the things I love to do won't get me any money. Maybe they won't just work out. What if it would've been a waste of time? But then again, what if the path I chose is the one that's gonna be a waste of time?

 

I just wish I could be like a robot... Why do I have to feel emotion? Why do I have to care about passion and what I "love to do"? I should be able to just do whatever gets me money, and do it well without caring about free time too much, or about fun, or about enjoying it... It's what I wish.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well, if you died then the world would still keep on turning. A little pocket of it - your family and friends - would certainly be affected, but yes, you are just a tiny cog in a massive machine we call The Universe.

 

I believe an important part of growing up is realising that. That as much effort as living can be, it ultimately changes nothing. There are a few people who may make history as world leaders or whatever, but for most human beings..nope, it's not like that.

 

And that is a depressing thought. But then again, it can be liberating. After all, if you only impact a tiny part of the world, you may as well do whatever you please (within reason) and mould your experience of life to make it as you wish. After all, it wont matter a damn when you leave this spiritual plane, will it?