Dealing with thoughts of jealousy

[permasmile]

Hello all. My girlfriend and I broke up a few days ago (after 3.5 years). She initiated it, however I agreed with almost everything she said. Recently our relationship felt much more like a friendship rather than a romantic relationship. Surprisingly, I took it very well. I agree that things were not going well, although I believe part of that was attributable to a lack of time spent together (were each busy in our last year of school). Anyways, part of me is excited to work on myself and move forward. Another part of me believes that this breakup could end up with us becoming closer and stronger. And of course, another part of me is sad. However, for the most part I am ok. I do not have the knot in my stomach and although it is constantly on my mind, I feel decent.

 

The one thought I can't stand is thinking about her finding someone else. Realistically, this is a silly thought. Even if she were to see someone else in the near future, it would most likely simply be a rebound and would be for the wrong reasons. However, this is the one thought that really gets to me when it creeps in my head.

 

Anyone have advice as to how to deal with it?

[Demond34]

Keep saying to yourself that you can't control what she does or what happens in her life. Because you can't.....So try not to worry about things you can't control.... I know easier said than done, if it were that easy, I would be fine too.....Just do the best to UNDERSTAND we have no control over anyone else but ourselves. Good luck man

[joyce1412]

well, as i have usually felt in my short time on these forums...i'm hardly in the position to give advice since my breakup was a mere month ago!

 

however, i think if you find yourself getting angry/jealous about certain things regarding your ex, you just need to stop for ONE moment and ask yourself, "is this healthy anger? is this healthy jealousy?" i try to remember that post-breakup and as someone who gets notoriously riled up when angry or indignant, i think it works.

 

for example, i have a friend who manages to find a lot of ways to bring up her boyfriend and his job--which is difficult, because he and my ex are coworkers. and when we broke up, i had discussed with my friend that i really wanted to work on our friendship OUTSIDE of talking about boyfriends because i didn't want any reminders of the pain. nevertheless, she will not stop. i was getting angry about her constantly mentioning their work today, but after a while i just thought, "is this healthy anger?" and it is not. she is not responsible for the dissolution of my relationship, and it is not her i am angry with, it is my ex. perhaps this friendship will not work out in the long run, but in the meantime, i just can't fixate on what i believe she is doing to wrong me.

 

you have to accept that your ex will find someone new someday...but the good news is, so will you! and when you find your new girl, after a while you're going to wonder why you spent so much time longing for your old one. the best revenge is living well, and the best way to get past feeling jealous about her is to make your own life as wonderful as possible.

 

so yeah, continually ask yourself what is healthy and unhealthy to feel, and make YOUR LIFE into something that a person ought to envy. (because, P.S., she WILL get jealous about you, too, even though she broke it off.)