Did I blow it? Update

[Torchbearer]

At the 4 month mark and have been doing very well with NC, only responding to contacts from my ex, the leaver. About a month goes by since she'd last contacted me then I get an email asking if I wanted to get out for drinks one night. We get together about a week later and go to dinner and then to have drinks. The night goes very well for the most part, sure it's weird being with her on friendly terms but I could also tell that she wasn't serious with anyone else. I'm thinking that my NC is what caused her to be curious and call to get together.

 

Later that night we go back to my place and start making some bad decisions. We're making out heavily in bed and she probes me about my feelings towards her. At this time I'm thinking well maybe she still has strong feelings towards me and was wanting to talk about getting back together. Then I proceed to tell her that I still cared for her deeply and missed what we had (I know- this goes against the rule of acting cool, controlled, and aloof but this was MY GIRL at one time and we shared feelings all the time in the past. She told me she was dumbfounded that I still felt this way because I'd never told her. I asked her if she'd consider us seeing each other again to which she answered probably not the way we were but she did tell me that she still wanted to get together with me.

 

Obviously something made her change from being all about me to not wanting to be with me. The other night while we were out she kept hinting at things we should do. I genuinly had a good time with her and miss the spark and chemistry and inside jokes.. the fun we used to have. I know that if I see her on this watered down basis it will probably only make me blue and miss her more.

 

My question to the experts (Superdave and others) is: Did I blow it by letting her know my feelings? Obviously she missed me in some capacity and she still likes being around me and is very attracted to me. So I know that we can't be lovers and be serious right now. I love this girl very much and she doesn't love me the same BUT I'm still on her mind and that's something. Would you guys continue the NC or try to get together with her and do something fun and see where it goes? I would like to think that if we're together some we could grow back into something?

 

Give me some advice, like what she could be thinking and how she perceives me? What kind of impact would having me in her life bring? Is It possible for her to get those old feelings back? I gave her the gift of missing me for 3 months but when we left the other night I could tell she was unsure and sorta mixed up that I still felt that strongly towards her. Could me still feeling this was impact her in a positive way or have I simply scared her off for good? Any info would be appreciated.

 

TB

[annie24]

I don't think that your mistake was in telling her your feelings. You told her, and basically, she told you she doesn't want you back. What is really stopping her from getting back with you? Nothing. If she wanted you back, she would. What it sounds to me is that she was looking for an ego boost, that's why she made out with you and wanted to know how you felt for her.

 

I think your mistake is hoping that there could be something. i know that you are trying to look on the bright side of things, but from what you've written, from an objective point of view, it sounds like she is using you as her "backup plan" - in case she does not find anything better. I think you should not be her backup plan. Find someone else.

 

good luck.

[heloladies21]

Letting her know how you feel is fine. You should actually take it a step further though, because hoping that a FWB relationship will turn into something serious never works. You sound like you wanna get back into something serious with her. Here's what to do now.

 

Next time she calls you, lay it down. Tell her you either work at a serious relationship or nothing at all because you're not looking for anything less. Then go NC again if she's not interested. This is the only way she's gonna make up her mind, and you only wanna get this thing going again if it's on terms you can work with.

 

Do not do any of the in between friends thing or bed budy or any of that. You will eventually get dropped and hurt 100x worse.

[annie24]

Next time she calls you, lay it down. Tell her you either work at a serious relationship or nothing at all because you're not looking for anything less. Then go NC again if she's not interested. This is the only way she's gonna make up her mind, and you only wanna get this thing going again if it's on terms you can work with.

 

YES!!!!!!!!!! Very very true.

[tylercdurden2004]

I wont say you blew it by telling her your feelings, but the fact she stopped half way and asked this questions means she is just probing to find out how you feel. Why? Who knows only you can figure that one out, it could be that she does want to get back together however I haev the feeling that she just wants to know there is still some connection there, for her own needs. Dont play this game. Lay it down on the line if you want to get back together with her.

[mmmending]

...Then I proceed to tell her that I still cared for her deeply and missed what we had ... She told me she was dumbfounded that I still felt this way because I'd never told her. I asked her if she'd consider us seeing each other again to which she answered probably not the way we were but she did tell me that she still wanted to get together with me.

 

about to get a bit clever with the language, but here goes.. did you miss what you "had"? or did you panic that you might not have again what was there for both of you on that particular date..

 

you see (and we all know this), that whistfulness that is "what we had", this is so infused and embellished with a folkloric mythological quality that there is no way to authentically know what any of us "had".. it is so tinged with the rose- or fecal coloured glasses, it is very hard to separate fact from fiction

 

my sense is, in those tender moments of that date, you became aware of "hey, this is good.. now!"

 

on the date, i do not believe you blew it at all.. in fact, you likely got it very right.. consider what she actually said to you..

 

on the date, she was "dumbfounded" by what you said to her.. this suggests to me, that in the past, either (a)you may have been inexpressive of your feelings in a way that was meaningful to her, or, (b) she wasn't "hearing" you.. between then (ie-the relationship as it was) and now something has shifted to the positive

 

to me, a piece of the puzzle has fallen into place.. "probably not in the way [you] were" is not "no!".. rather, it is a kindly invitation to tweak matters in a way that may free both of you from that conditioned, attached, rigidly patterned way of doing things that may well have led to your separation in the first place

 

i'd be inclined to proceed with an open heart, it sounds as tho' the communication is on a good footing.. stay with that.. remind yourself of the harm by acting out of any sense of urgency

 

good luck!

[mikeca]

I dont think you blew it. You know what you want and you followed it. Once again the ball is in her court. You've put yourself out there again and if shes the one she'll pass it back But if its no, then NC again. You cant live on her terms it will tear you up, I might have to face this one day, I just hope I can move on as well. NC Strong!