how to win my ex back??

[linda5]

About five months ago I broke up with my boyfriend. We dated for three years. The reason we broke up was because I was ready for the commitment and he was not. A week after we broke up, I decided to come back to him; but he told me he was not ready to get back with me and he was sorry. I was heart broken because I love him so much. A couple months later I found out that he has a new girlfriend. Anyhow, I did try to move on and leave everything behind. Recently a friend of both of us passed away, and I saw him at the funeral home a few days ago. At one point, he came over and put his hand on my shoulder and walked away without saying a word. It hurt me so much to see him again that I pretended I was busy having conversation with another person and didn't acknowledge his presense. Now I'm wondering what his intention was by putting his hand on my shoulder. And what if I talked to him when he was there then what would have happened. His friend asked me if I talked to him and I said no. Now I regret that I didn't talk to him at that moment because he would have talked to me. But since I gave him a cold shoulder and that's why he walked away from me.

I'm thinking about writing him an email but at the same time I don't know if I should. I'm so confused at this point. I love him so much and I really want him back but I just don't want to act desperate and needy in front of him and his friend. What can I say or do to get him back without losing my integrity??

[amtjrtcet]

Don't read so much into him putting his hand on your shoulder. The two of you were at a funeral, you both shared the loss of a friend, it was an emotional place-that's all. Don't blame yourself for giving him the "cold shoulder", he's moved on. He may feel a little guilty b/c he told you he wasn't ready for a commitment and now he's w/someone new, but that's probably it.

Try to move on honey, I know its hard, but he has.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry to read about your friend. (((hugs)))

 

You two were at a funeral, people hug, cry, touch each on the shoulder, to comfort one another. I am sure your ex has some kind of heart otherwise he would have ignored you completely at the funeral.

 

Whenever a person says he/she is not ready for a committment it usually means he/she does not want a committment with YOU. After 3 years...it should be apparent whether or not he wanted a committment with you. His actions speak loud here, he did not committ to you and found someone else to be with after you broke up. He has not contacted you since. Take his actions at face value.

 

NC all the way my friend. Hang in there...it will get better. I promise.

[Relationship Coach]

Kell is right on the mark here, he has moved on and you need to do the same. Yes, he could not commit to you and now he is dating someone else, it seems very clear that he feels he has no intentions of offering you another chance. But let me ask you this, you waited 3 years and got fed up, what would change now? You can't change him or force him in to something which he does not want. Is that a healthy relationship to be in?

 

RC

[greekgoddess]

People make mistakes all the time We're human. How do you know that he's happy with the new girlfirend? Maybe he's with her because it's his rebound relationship. Some times it takes a break up for people to realize their true feelings for each other. I think the touch could mean something and she should try to talk to him to find out the truth. Atleast she would know for sure his intentions. I think it's unrealistic to tell some one to just move on without having had a real conversation with this guy to find out the truth. She obviously has deep feelings for him and she owes it to herself to try everything at whatever costs to get him back before she gives up on him for good.

Isn't it possible he only went out with this new girl to get back at her and is not happy with her and realised that he made a mistake by not going back to her instead? If you truly love some one you forgive them and they forgive you. Just tell him how you really feel and if he doesn't reciprocate isn't it easier for you to move on than to assume he isn't interested and always be thinking about it in the back of your head?

[joyce1412]

i disagree. that's quite a lot you think he's conveying with a mere touch of the shoulder. if you get in contact with him AT ALL, at least keep it short, sweet and politely detached, like in an email or something. (as in, "sorry i didn't get to say hi. hope you're well.") anything more is a pretty HUGE risk, especially given the extremely small gesture he gave. just protect your heart as best you can.

[OCD]

Interesting thread here guys....just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents 'She' broke up with him for what ever reason. He was then single, right? Of course the guy is going to find a girlfriend or someone to be with. I'm sure he was heartbroken too, that's why he found a new person. Linda, I think if you really love this person, you should talk to him. Your dignity is one thing, but at this pointe we're all guessing as to what this guy is thinking or doing. The only way to find out is get in contact with him, you broke up with him...you could test the waters with and email or something. The reason I say this is because my ex left me and I tried to ask for another chance, etc...yes I've been dating, that's a good way to start to move on. But if my ex someday realizes that she made a mistake I would hope she would pick up that phone and tell me. I believe you tell the person how you feel "once", you love them, want to be with them, etc...then the ball is in their court. I think if you really love this guy you should some how let him know it. Life is too short, you left him and realized a mistake might have been made....see how this guy feels, you might be surprised

 

OCD

[linda5]

Thanks for the advice. So I wrote my ex an email saying I was sorry that I didn’t realize it was him at the function and asked if he wants to meet up for a drink….as a friend. Mean while I went away for vacation for a week and would not expect him to write back. I got his email when I got back.....mentioned it was okay and asked me to call him when I’m back in town. I'm thinking about calling him but at the same time I don't know what I should do or say to him. I know I ask him to meet as a friend but I'm hoping that it will be more than just friend. Thanks a lot for your comments.

[blender]

Linda,

 

I know so much how you are hurting, I've been there, and I'm going to be honest with you, but please know that I do understand, so many of us do.

 

This is tough one, I think the most important thing to do when considering the EX is to be "clear" on where YOU stand, this is for YOU, not so you can tell him, but just so YOU know.

 

You sent an email saying "as a friend", this is NOT what you want, so you know what, it's okay to just wait a bit, you do not have to phone him right away, take some time and really think about what a "set back" you may have by seeing him and "pretending" to be okay with just "hanging out as buddies"...

 

when we see the ex and we are really having "secret expectations" (you have to be honest with yourself, this is true)..well we set ourselves up for disappointment, and that disappointment can set us back big time...

 

There is no emergency here for you to call him just yet...please know this. You have to have an emotional plan for yourself, and it has to start with be honest in your own heart about your "expectations" about seeing him.

 

Even if you look great, go out with him and have a great evening, you will leave feeling so sad... I've been there, you might think you can "pull this off" and just go out with him and be friends, but believe me, you might fool him but you won't be fooling yourself...

 

And why would you want to "risk your own heart" by seeing him under false prestense? You already know being "just friends" would be too painful for you right now.. and I know what you are thinking, "but at least I get to spend time with him and he MIGHT be reminded of how great we are together"

 

Don't fool yourself into this, take this time to work on you.. and do NOT call him just yet, wait it out, who knows he might just call you.. and if he does, be prepared emotionally to at least make choices that start with honestly in yourself, you do NOT have to reveal your thought process to him, you can simply say, "I'm so busy right now, maybe we can see each other another time" And then you work on you, and you try to move on, and you start to live with in the "truth" of your life, and you separate your "feelings" from the "facts"...

 

your "feelings" are desperate right now, because you want "anything" any kind of attachment to him that might ease this discomfort of the unknown, even if it means more pain for you.. but this usually doesn't work and we have to start our healing all over again...

 

The "facts" are, you do NOT want to be just friends, (not right away anyway) and he wants his space and time.. so have the self respect to respect this and believe it, and accept it, no matter how painful this "acceptance" will lead to your healing and him 'wondering" what you are up to, eventually and if not, well then your at least "healing".

 

For now, just for today...there's no use in "pretending" and saying, "let's meet as friends".. why reduce what you had shared with him, the intamcy, the love, the hopes, the dreams, why reduce the experience to "just friends" so quickly?

 

It's okay that you made the request, but you do NOT have to follow through on it, not right now... just wait it out.. give yourself time, and have the self respect to know that yes, you're going to be sad, it's going to hurt, you might have to give this to fate for awhile... but you will feel better in the long run if you start to live in "acceptance" and "truth"..

 

and the truth is you are hoping for "more" than friendship with him, so do NOT let the "friendship" thing happen just yet... do NOT call him, just wait it out, until you can be more clear and safe with your own heart.. he's not going anywhere... he really isn't... and if he does... then he would have done this eventually and you will have not invested more of your heart.. take this time to think and heal... and no worries about the fact that you sent the email, it's okay that he responded, and it's okay that you take time to decide what you really want to do... and when we have that gut feeling of "oh god, I don't know what to say or how to act"...... that means STOP! Do nothing!

 

It's okay that you will take some time to think this through.. let him wonder, right now all that matters is YOUR heart. You have to put your heart first, and really focus on what good would come of meeting up as "friends" right now? Honestly, it's not a "pure intention" on your part, it's a "hopeful kinda white lie intention with an expectation of something more attached", please know that in doing this, YOUR heart is at risk, as difficult as it is right now for you to "let go" for the moment, it really is best for YOU.... I went through this, and I thank God I decided not to see my ex on a "just friends" basis, (even though, like you I suggested it), once I really took a day to think it through and knew that I could NOT handle just seeing him and being buddies and then him going his way at the end of the night and me going mine..

 

ugh.. I knew it would be too painful and I would feel deep regret for pretending to be "okay" with it, because at least with "self honesty" I do not have to feel regretful, because it's simply my truth I'm acting on.. and the truth is, I was not ready to be "just friends", however I didn't tell him this, I just never followed through on my original, "let's get toghether and talk as friends"... he eventually emailed me again.. and I just said, "so busy right now, hope you are well".... and I let him go.. knowing that if he really was interested in "more" than friendship that he would eventually realize it, and make the effort to reach out to me...in the "right" way, that our loving relationship deserved, anything less, well is just "less" and it too painful to pretend through...

 

I hope this was helpful and not to painful to read.. let us know how you are doing.. we all care and understand, best, blender