Advice on how I should go on...

[yy99]

Sorry if this is long.. hope the more details can help.. I posted about her before, but it was too short and didn't really said much.. sorry about that..

 

I have been dating this girl for 3 months. I met her at a restaurant, she is a waitress there. I wrote her a note and asked her if I can get to know her. She just smiled and didn't know what to say, I told her she can think about it. At the end of the dinner, I asked her what she thinks, she asked me if I am a friend of Y's? Y's is a friend and part of the group I was having dinner with.(We had a large group so Y was sitting on the other end of the table) So I said yes, and realized how embarrassing it was for me hitting on a friend's friend. I apologized and told her she can talk to Y about me if she wants, and told her maybe we can hang out sometimes. She talked to Y and few days later we set up a double date the following Sunday. So we hung out all day on Sunday. But I had trouble starting conversation for her, I told stories, asked her things about her, like what she likes and all the good stuff. Her response was yes, I do, no, oh really?.. very short and she won't asked me anything. As normal reaction, I thought she wasn't interested.. at the end of the day, she asked me so should I call you or..? I was surprised but said sure, and we exchanged numbers.

We have been going on since then, usually we see each other once a week. I learned that she is very busy, she is full-time student and works 5 days a week. Pretty much her schedule is full. So when we go out, she takes days off for me. Even though, I still have trouble to get her opened up.. still me doing most of the talking and she still won't ask me questions.. she does ask me how's my day though.. So a lot of times we just hold hands, she will lie on my shoulder, and silence.. at first i thought it was a little awkward since silence is never fun, but now it becomes a regular i thought it's actually nice to be quiet and just enjoy the company. The thing is, she does talk, she talks to her friends, her boss and everyone else, but not the same when she is with me..

She said she never felt this way about anyone before, she thought all the guys are the same.. she told me she feels childish when she is with me.. I told her I don't think you are childish, just be yourself, I want to know you, don't have to act differently. Then she asked me anything I would like her to do for me? I told her when I know I will tell her.

Even we are close right now, but not completely.. she is holding something back, always thinking hard when I see her.. that's why we are not yet official in bf and gf status. I finally asked her what is it that is holding you back and not able to open up to me? She said there is something I need to know or else it will never happen. She had a lot trouble telling me what, because she said she is afraid of loosing me once she tells me. I told her she will have to since it's that important for us to move on. After a long time of consideration, she finally told me. It's about her past, she had a horrible experience and that's the reason she broke up with her ex. She was attacked on the train late at night, her ex couldn't get over it and she had to break it off. It was a big thing for her to tell me that, I told her it's alright, I don't think any different towards her. I like you the same amount no less and no more. Although I have new respect for her afterwards, how she is able to stay so strong.

She is young and a very independent girl, even after what happened, she said you would think she would change, but she still very independent. I am 29, she is 21. After she told me what was holding her back, things changed a little bit.. although still, she still doesn't talk.. lol.. and i am still not sure bf and gf status btw us right now because I didn't ask again and I can still sense something else is still holding her back.

My brain tells me to give her space, keep myself occupied, ask her out still but be patient, don't rush into anything.. let her come to me and let her be the one wants to start a relationship. But my heart wants her to be mine right now, ask her to be my gf and let me take care of her. Which one should I listen to? What should I do to make sure I will follow the right way? Should I not call her? As u can see I am battling in myself back and forth..

She is leaving for japan this weekend for 2 weeks.. Before she leaves, anything I can do? Write her something like a letter so she can read it on the plane? Or just leave it?

 

Thanks for finishing it!! Thanks for all your inputs! Be harsh if you want, I like honest answers. Hopefully soon I will be able to settle my feelings and able to give some back.

[Beyondthesea]

The girl has been traumatized before so she's just being cautious and doesn't want to jump into anything. Her ex dumping her when she really needed him has created a lot of ideas about men in her mind I assume.

 

Don't push her or she will pull away I think. Ask her if she'd like to date exclusively and if she says no don't put up a fuss.

 

I would give her a note to read on the plane, it would be nice for her to know you care about her so much and "thanks for telling me your secrets."

[ocrob]

She sounds like an amazing woman and you sound like a great guy. It sounds like she really likes you and is just a bit apprehensive to get too attached too soon. I would not pressure her, but I certainly would not cut back on talking to her. She seems to really like you. I would spend as much time with her as you can before she leaves. Let her know how you feel about her with out being too clingy or a push over. Just be there for her and see where things go. She sounds awesome.

[heloladies21]

In this situation, you don't want to press it. She will get scared and it will push her away. You will do smart not to let your heart dictate your actions. You know what to do, don't worry about if she asks you questions or any of that, let her come to you. One day she'll have a conversation about being bf/gf, but until that day you're free to talk to all those others out there. So get on it chief!

[moondog627]

Whatever you do, DO NOT pressure her to commit to you. When the time is right you guys will have the talk. For now just be cool and kick back. I like the idea of leaving her a note to read on the plane. If you do it, don't make it too wordy. Something along the lines of "have a great time, see you when you get back, blah, blah, blah...." Sounds like you're doing pretty well with her right now. One word of caution, be wary of her age. Take it from someone who was with a woman that young and also went thru a traumatizing experience (not that all situations apply). But chances are she still has a lot of changing to do, like all young people. You may be better off finding someone a little older, especially if you're looking for someone to commit to soon.

[Dating Coach]

Ah, the damsel in distress and the Captain Save-a-girl tendencies... Very common.

 

The best bet for you in my opinion would be to not dwell on your insecurities. Your insecurities about where you two are in your relationship, whether or not she sees you as a good guy, etc. Don't bring up this past thing about her attack either. Don't be her therapist. That leads to friendzone.

 

What you should do is continue to be fun to hang out with. Be the alpha male. Take her out to places that YOU planned. Go, relax, have fun, don't worry about what time she is having because if she is into you then she will have fun simply being with you. So just take her and go have fun doing things you enjoy (unless you know for sure she hates it.) Quit the worrying crud and the Captain Save-a-girl tendencies.

[thegirl_00]

Aweeee, this is kinda a cute/sad/sweet story. You must be an amazing person because she definitly is. Don't pressure her and im sure that with time she will open up to you like you want her to. She already told you her secret and that was definitly a HUGE thing for her. Just give it time.

[yy99]

Thanks guys!!! She is really amazing, I will try to be cool and let her come to me.. Just talked to her on the phone, her friend is having a concert tomorrow and I will go pick her up tomorrow to go watch together. Maybe I will finally start to meet her friends, and it should help me getting closer to her. Her parents were out of town for 5 days, coming back today. At first she wanted to stay at her friend's place because she is scared to be alone. I offered her to stay at my place or I can stay over to keep her company. But she declined, she said still too early and don't think it's a good idea.. it's reasonable and right thing to do, but the friend she wanted to stay over is a guy's place. She said not too worry, but still makes me wonder why she can't pick her female friend's place instead..? She can sense me acted different, since no matter how cool I wanted to be, I can't hide that I was a little concerned.. so she tried to get her brother to come home to stay with her. First night her brother said to stay with him instead, however his roommate acts weird towards her and she doesn't like it. So I said just stay at home then, I will stay outside in my car until the morning comes. Ofcourse she said no but then we ended up staying in my car until the sky started to get lighter.. never thought it would feel so nice to be able to just sit there and hold hands, listening to music for 5 hours.. Second night she stayed at home again, except she came over and we watched a movie before I took her back.. 3rd night I didn't see her, she had class and stayed over at her brother's place. She felt bad making me stay up so late, but I really didn't mind it since I rather to see her safe than me sleeping.. Last night she stayed at her friend's place, but she didn't tell me who.. although I was dying to ask her, but I didn't.. Didn't want to apply pressure. And plus she is fine. I do want to ask sometimes however, not interrogating, but really want to know what she likes to do and make conversation..

 

I will not bring up the attack or anything that will reference to it. Although she did showed me the mace her dad bought for her, I told her I have 3 of them, for my sisters and mother. Use it if u need to. Hopefully the bad memory will fade away eventually from her and be happy to enjoy the new life.

 

She is young, I did tell myself one day she might change.. And I might get hurt. But I took the chance, I see her at age 21, but she seems to know what she wants.. she is different than other girls.. if it works out, we might be still holding hands when we are old.. if not, at least I tried even with the pain I am not regretting. It would be a nice memory to have and good learning experience.

 

I might create a puzzle for her to figure out on the plane ride, maybe a secret message.. any creative ideas? Just got a txt from her while I am typing away.. she says she misses me.. first time she said something like that.. Never knew I am able to wait this long just for these words..

[Dating Coach]

I see this ending badly...

[yy99]

Lol... I know what to do now, sometimes it's nice to review the things u have done.