She tells me she likes women!

[Mikerok]

Hello all,

My name is Mike. My wife and I have been together for 3 and a half years. We are both military. In Jan of 05 she got sent to Alaska for a tour that will last 3 years. Two days after she left for Alaska I was sent to Iraq for 6 months. I received notice that I will be back with her about 3 months ago. We are going to be stationed together. It has been hard but we manage to keep in touch very well. Everything was near perfect while we were together in the same home. We enjoy each other very much, even a trip to a furniture store together is fun for the both of us. The first 8 months we were apart she really made sure to tell me how much she cared about me and how much she needed me there with her. My wife used to get upset if I did'nt talk to her 2-3 times a day. And if we only talked for 10 minutes at a time, she would tell me that she really just wants to talk to me more. I understood how lonely she is and I happily made sure to talk to her more often. We have visited each other in the last year 4 times. The most recent was a surprise for valentine's day, she came here without me knowing. Everything was great. In Alaska my wife struggled to find friends that she was comfortable with. She now has 3 good friends there. 1 just had a baby and is really not up to hanging out and stuff right now. The second friend is a girl from work but she lives 30 minutes away and is married so quality time to be together is hard to come by. Her third friend is a gay male and I really did'nt agree with her hanging out with him by themselves. I just was'nt sure myself if he was really gay or not. She promises me that he is but 4 months ago I told her that I really do not want them hanging together alot until I get there to evaluate for myself. I know lack of trust. At about that same time she was really letting me know how lonely she was. I told her that we could talk at any time and that I was always there for her. Slowly the letters and the phone calls stopped. It has been 2 months since I have received a letter from her and phone calls are often short and limited to when she wakes up and before she goes to bed. This really worried me and I began to question if she was alright. 2 nights ago...I could'nt take it anymore. I had to know what was bothering her. I was very emotional fearing the worst. During her time there in Alaska her and her friends frequented a gay club almost exclusively. She told me that she enjoyed the drag shows and the freedom from being bothered by horny men. I could'nt argue with that! Either way I would have been fine with but a gay club could'nt be that bad. Well the other night she told me she was scared of me coming there and she is attracted to women. Every now and again she would tell me that she was hit on at the club and that it was a women. For some reason that was easier to cope with than if it was a man, but I did tell her that even if it is a woman that is still cheating if she messes around or gets a phone number. I really did trust her. After she told me that she was beginning to become more and more attracted to girls, I asked if there was any in particlular and her answer was yes. She said that she even went on a date to the movies with her and enjoyed her company. She swore to me that she did'nt do anything physical with her what so ever. Not even a kiss. And she also said that she only saw her at the club a couple times and that movie date was it. Then the girl moved to Virginia. I asked her if she thought that there was any way that had to do with just being lonely but she was'nt sure. She said that she has been curious for about 5 years now what it would be like to be with another women. But never acted on the feelings before then. I am really worried. She is my everything. We talked about it and she got really emotional, apologizing and telling me she really needs me there with her. But she can't promise me that this won't become a problem in the future and I understand. I can't sit here and say that I won't ever cheat on her. You never know.....you want to believe it but you don't really know. I am supposed to get there for good in a month. And I really want to try to work this problem out. What should I do? Is this just a result of needing a caring voice person to person or could it be deeper? Please help me!

[bmagoo]

I can understand the situation you are in. I have been married for 17 years and about 5 years ago my husband came out as gay. It is very hard to accept but we were always best friends and we still are - in fact, we are still roommates but we date others obviously.

 

Anyway, your situation may be a little different. Maybe your wife felt more comfortable talking with other women because she didn't feel it was cheating. Then, because she was lonely, maybe she got closer to them than she expected. In my opinion, you are only going to have your questions answered by having a very honest, in depth conversation with her preferably face to face. Only then, when you both have been honest and open and seen each other again, can your questions be answered.

[Mikerok]

Thank you, I think you are right.....I am just nervous because not only will we be in the same city and military, but we work in the same office! It has never been a problem before but if we don't work out, i'm screwed...I can't see her everyday and not be with her.

Thanks for your input though!!!!!

[neolithic]

i think this is very natural for her. i have some sort of a theory that all girls can be attracted to other girls.. first off, girls are just pretty. they have pretty faces, beautiful bodies, they take care of themselves.. and this can be quite refreshing when you think about how most guys are about appearance (not saying you're like this, of course. but in general, a lot of guys don't pay much attention to what girls want them to look like.. what with the clothing styles and everything, certain haircuts. but girls always want to look as attractive as possible). of course, there is something about guys (most of us) we absolutely can't resist, but girls are different..

 

she probably does feel comfortable with this woman, because she's lonely and she's female. i'm sure she wants to experiment.. i remember how unbearable it was to not know what it was like to be with a woman.. until i was. after that, i had a short relationship with one, realized it wasn't for me, and won't have another (unless i meet someone absolutely fantastic, of course). i'm still attracted to women, but it's men for me.

 

there are tons of reasons why women are attractive to everyone, i think. and i think that since she's found a lot of comfort in a certain environment out there, it's natural for her to be more curious than ever. but i don't really think this is a threat.. for me, it was just a phase. but one i had to go through.

 

so.. when you get there, if things don't change and if you're not as close as ever, you might want to think about letting her experiment. i know that sounds terrible and painful, but if you don't, she will probably pent it up and resent it, until it becomes unbearable (and she'll may cheat behind your back). and if you let her, she will either realize she's gay (and wouldn't you want to know?) or it's just not for her, but she's glad she went through it.

 

i know it's hard. i think that things may return to normal once you're back together.. after a little while at least. but if not, try to be understanding, and good luck

[novaseeker]

Letting someone experiment in the context of a marriage?

 

That sounds very, very painful to me. If she must experiment or something like that it should not be while she is married to someone.