my guy friend made a move on me UGH pissed off

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

The difference is, you are not a guy doing this for a girl.

 

Sorry, can you explain that?

[beanpaper]

Sorry, can you explain that?

It doesn't matter how you feel about buying things for your friends. It's a moot point. I am agreeing with TiredMan.

 

 

We KNOW this guy was interested because he made a move. As a woman, you should pay your own way when it's obvious a guy is interested in you and you aren't interested back. If everytime you're alone with him he hits on you, then he invites you somewhere and pays, why act surprised when he makes a move?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

We KNOW this guy was interested because he made a move.

 

Not that I agree with your assertions, as I believe they are a double standard that is to the disadvantage of women, but she said he did not make the move until after he paid for the movie. And I think it's a pretty sad perspective to have that you can't buy something for a platonic friend without expecting intimacy in return for it (?). Seems like a pretty self serving existence to me.

[beanpaper]

I'm not saying she OWES him anything. I'm saying she put herself in that position to be hit on. I think it's quite disrespectful to him.

 

She mentioned that every time she's alone with this guy he hits on her and flirts with her. The fact that she let him pay her way at this concert kind of turns it even more into a "date" situation. If she really wanted it to be "just friends" she probably should've gone dutch or not gone at all, just so there wouldn't be any added confusion about it. I'm NOT saying he's ENTITLED to make a move or she OWES him or anything like that. It's just one of those things and she really ought not be surprised or "pissed" that he made a move since all the signals were there that he wanted it to be a date.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'm not saying she OWES him anything. I'm saying she put herself in that position to be hit on. I think it's quite disrespectful to him.

 

By agreeing to go out with her platonic friend? How? Isn't he at all responsible for his own feelings, expectations, and behavior?

[beanpaper]

Sure. But I don't think any women are that dense that they don't realize when a guy is her friend because he's hoping it will turn into something more. If it's obvious, why lead him on? For free concerts? I think it's rude.

 

 

Again, he flirts with her whenever they are alone. Is that platonic?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I don't think the OP was leading him on. And perhaps he should consider the option of NOT flirting with her. If he can't handle the platonic friendship, then he should remove himself from it.

[candykisses]

Why are you so not-interested in him? He obviously is interested in you. You are friends so the personality compatibility is there. What is the problem? I can never figure this out from women, perfectly good guys that they already get along with and are compatible, but god forbid they try to take it to the next level. I just don't get it.

personality compatibility is not the only factor i look for in a guy to date. and i shouldn't have to settle for any guy who shows interest in me right...shouldn't a girl have the right to pick who she has feelings for? i like curtis, not matt. i like matt platonically. just because he wants to take it to the next level doesn't mean i want to. and plus, curtis is matt's buddy. he shouldn't be doing this in the first place

 

It could be argued that all platonic male friends who insist on paying are interested and hoping not to be platonic.

no....i've known 2 guys who had girlfriends and still paid for me. they both were in long term relationship with their girlfriends and talked about how awesome they are and how much they loved their girlfriends.

 

I disagree; I think if he offers he should expect to follow through on what he has offered to do with no expectation of reciprocation or of gaining anything from it. Seems kind of manipulative on his part to me. What he could do is ask her if she'd be interested in dating him, and accept her answer for what it is.

i feel the same way...well said

[beanpaper]

Yeah. I don't think they can be friends at this juncture unless he can behave himself when they are alone, or they should avoid being alone, period.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah. I don't think they can be friends at this juncture unless he can behave himself when they are alone, or they should avoid being alone, period.

 

Now on that, I agree.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

personality compatibility is not the only factor i look for in a guy to date. and i shouldn't have to settle for any guy who shows interest in me right...shouldn't a girl have the right to pick who she has feelings for? i like curtis, not matt. i like matt platonically. just because he wants to take it to the next level doesn't mean i want to.

 

I agree with that.

[candykisses]

Yeah. I don't think they can be friends at this juncture unless he can behave himself when they are alone, or they should avoid being alone, period.

 

im gonna have a talk with him pretty soon...i really hope we can go back to being friends..hes so fun to be with!

[TiredMan]

What I don't get is why this woman keeps accepting "free" meals with these guys? If someone pays for me once, it burns me until i can return the favor.

[TiredMan]

I'm not saying she OWES him anything. I'm saying she put herself in that position to be hit on. I think it's quite disrespectful to him.

 

She mentioned that every time she's alone with this guy he hits on her and flirts with her. The fact that she let him pay her way at this concert kind of turns it even more into a "date" situation. If she really wanted it to be "just friends" she probably should've gone dutch or not gone at all, just so there wouldn't be any added confusion about it. I'm NOT saying he's ENTITLED to make a move or she OWES him or anything like that. It's just one of those things and she really ought not be surprised or "pissed" that he made a move since all the signals were there that he wanted it to be a date.

 

100 percent right. By accepting to be "taken out" (by that meaning a guy who flirts with her PAYING for her) of course he would think it was mutual. I know some people like to get free stuff but jeez.

[candykisses]

What I don't get is why this woman keeps accepting "free" meals with these guys? If someone pays for me once, it burns me until i can return the favor.

 

that's an interesting question...i think maybe i've been so accustomed to guys paying and giving me material things that i think being paid for when casually hanging out, even if it's not a date, is something normal. also i live in a superficial and materialistic city where people have the notion that guys paying = courteous and we tend to associate money with guys, and girls as receivers. so to answer your question, i accept being paid for because i feel it's something normal. come follow me for a day and you'll really see how my life is and why i "keep accepting free meals"...i do it because I can (now i'll probably get more people yelling at me)

[TiredMan]

Which was EXACTLY the point I was illustrating.

 

But then you can't really complain about what happened with with the guy as I feel u asked for it to happen by accepting free stuff and taking that risk.

 

I don't know why some guys pay for women like that. It makes me very sad to be a male when I hear that and I kinda want to smack them upside the head.

 

It doesn't have to just be your city. It's all over the place. I can't tell you how many females I have seen who go out to bars or something like that, with like no money because they expect guys will buy them drinks. They will flirt with guys just to get them to buy them drinks. UGH!

[candykisses]

Some women take that viewpoint when it comes to dating thinking the guy spends all this money on their date on her yet has no right to expect any "play". I completely disagree with that notion.

so as long as the guy is spending whatever amount of money on a girl it is automatically assumed that he does have the right to expect some "play"? That kind of thinking today leads to date rapes.

 

If everytime you're alone with him he hits on you, then he invites you somewhere and pays, why act surprised when he makes a move?

 

I guess it is because of the widely accepted notion from girls AND guys that it is courteous for a guy to pay for a female if he invites her somewhere and the fact that it has become such a normal occurrence for me where even guys in committed relationships have paid for me that it simply did not occur to me this guy had further intentions so i rendered it a friendly gesture, on top of the fact that there was complete mutual understanding beforehand it was not a date

 

she said he did not make the move until after he paid for the movie. And I think it's a pretty sad perspective to have that you can't buy something for a platonic friend without expecting intimacy in return for it (?). Seems like a pretty self serving existence to me.

my point exactly

 

 

I'm not saying she OWES him anything. I'm saying she put herself in that position to be hit on. I think it's quite disrespectful to him.

 

 

By agreeing to go out with her platonic friend? How? Isn't he at all responsible for his own feelings, expectations, and behavior?

my point exactly

 

It doesn't have to just be your city. It's all over the place. I can't tell you how many females I have seen who go out to bars or something like that, with like no money because they expect guys will buy them drinks. They will flirt with guys just to get them to buy them drinks. UGH!

Most of the time girls don't even flirt for drinks. the guys just buy them drinks. Why not tell these guys to stop buying them drinks. So guys buy girls drinks and girls accept their drinks. lol! we are stupid.

Nevertheless, my situation is very different from the one you described. If I were to go out to a bar or a club and some stranger buys me a drink and I accept then I would not complain if he later makes a move on me given the circumstances of that setting. But if a guy friend makes a move on me without giving me the courtesy of his honesty by letting me know with words beforehand or talking to me openly about taking the friendship further then that to me is very manipulative, unexpected, and disrepectful and yes I am going to be pissed and surprised.

[beanpaper]

You're ignoring the fact that he flirts and hits on you and told the other guy he was interested and you knew this beforehand. That is NOT a platonic friend! ...at least, in my city.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

She isn't responsible for Matt's expectations, hopes, or desires. Only he is. If he is not seeing reality, then that might be something he should work on.

[TiredMan]

You have the option of turning down these "free" things. But I don't think you want to turn it down. But you also don't want any of the other stuff that comes with it. Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

 

You know what it reminds me of?

 

A guy who is having sex with someone he is totally not interested in having a relationship with. He gets mad that she keeps wanting one but he refuses to turn down sex and continues to have it with her.

[beanpaper]

She isn't responsible for Matt's expectations, hopes, or desires. Only he is. If he is not seeing reality, then that might be something he should work on.

Yes, I've been hearing you say that.

 

But if a guy friend makes a move on me without giving me the courtesy of his honesty by letting me know with words beforehand or talking to me openly about taking the friendship further then that to me is very manipulative, unexpected, and disrepectful and yes I am going to be pissed and surprised.

So unless he tells you "in words" what he told your other friend who told you, and what you knew because he's been hitting on you, this is "unexpected"? That is bizarre.

[TiredMan]

Like I said, I get the sense she wants the "perks" without any inconvenience.

[beanpaper]

You know what it reminds me of?

 

A guy who is having sex with someone he is totally not interested in having a relationship with. He gets mad that she keeps wanting one but he refuses to turn down sex and continues to have it with her.

Sad but true.

[candykisses]

You're ignoring the fact that he flirts and hits on you and told the other guy he was interested and you knew this beforehand. That is NOT a platonic friend! ...at least, in my city.

 

no Matt never told the other guy he was interested in me. the other guy told HIM he was interested in me. so considering that they're buddies, Matt making a move on me while the other guy is on vacation essentially violates whatever code that guys have. but i guess that is between them

i'm not ignoring the fact that he has flirted and hit on me before. in fact now that i look back on it, it all makes sense. NOW i can see how certain stuff he has said and done would lead up to the day at the show when he made a move...it's like putting the puzzle pieces together. but back then, i did not see his flirting as anything more than just some harmless fun or even just friendliness, because even though he did hit on me, signs were also there that he was just interested in friendship, such as when he asked me for advice about other girls etc. Also you'd have to admit that flirting does not always equal interest. If it does, then there wouldn't be so much posts on here about does he/she like me?? and what not. so in a way, you can say that i sort of saw it coming, but moreso that i DIDN'T see it coming.

[candykisses]

You have the option of turning down these "free" things. But I don't think you want to turn it down. But you also don't want any of the other stuff that comes with it. Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

 

You know what it reminds me of?

 

A guy who is having sex with someone he is totally not interested in having a relationship with. He gets mad that she keeps wanting one but he refuses to turn down sex and continues to have it with her.

 

thats a good analogy, now i see where you're coming from. i will be more careful from now on and consider turning down free things in the future from guys I'm not interested in having a relationship with

 

anyway just a question: it seems that all the guys are saying because he flirted with me beforehand, i should've known he is interested and shouldn't be surprised at all that he made a move. are there ever any exceptions to this rule or are guys just wired to see flirting as means to an end? cuz I'm not the kind of girl who thinks that every guy who flirts with me likes me, but some of you guys seem to be saying that that's what i should expect