trusting my b/f with his ex...

[emma201279]

i'm feelin a bit bit down and depressed atm..i think i hav a hard time trusting my b/f.

basically ive had a problem for ages with my b/f's ex-girlfriend contactin him and them still being friends( because i kno how caught up he was over her in the past)...however they only actually wentout wit each other for 4months..5yrs ago!..but one thing that makes me feel down is that shes much better lookin than i am...so anyway a couple of months ago i spoke to him about my concerns and that i didnt think it was appropriate for them to still be friends. He reassured me of how he felt about me, said they hardly ever spoke and that if i didnt want him to contact her again he wundn.t.....so everything was fine after that.

but then....last wk...my b/f told me he had gone of for a drink wit her (as she had randonly rang him sayin that she wantid to catch up)...he said he felt it was important to tell me because he wantid our realtionship was about honesty. he told me pretty much everything that happened...basically that they met up , chatted for 2 hrs, talked about family, friends etc, and then he went home. he even told me that he had spoken to her about me and how he much feels for me.

wen he first told me i wasnt too bothered, as it meant a lot to me that he was honest wit me about it (as he cud hav easily not told me)...so things wer ok ...for a bit...then wen we wer together the other day we ended up talkin about it again...and i just got really upset about it,...just the fact that he had met up for a drink wit her in the first place with him made me annoyed... he said he didnt like seing me upset and asked me what i wanted him to do about it and i said 'ok, don't see her again'(because i kno if he did it again it wud just make me upset again)...and he was like 'ok' and said he wasnt really bothered about seing her or not.

but now im really worried about whether that was the right thing to say....and feel quite bad about it. i dont like tellin my b/f what to do, and i'm worried that he now thinks i dont trust him...which is not good in any relationship....i think i trust him but then why do i get so upset about it?? im so confused bout things.. i always assume the worst. i just dont want this trust issue i seem to hav sabotage our relationship...i really want to trust him but its hard ...i kno it must b frustrating for him aswell thinkni i dont trust him (when he hasnt done much wrong)...i just feel really confused bout things...need help about how to put things right xxx

[Iceman26]

He sounds extremely passive aggressive. Instead of tellling you before, he told you afterwards, because he knew you weren't cool with it.

 

In a nutshell, he lied. He told you he wouldn't do something and he did it anyways. Hanging out with his ex was apparently more important to him than your feelings.

 

You simply need to think this one out and ask yourself if you are cool with him hanging out with his ex or not. For me when I was single and dating, if I met girls that still hung out/talked to their ex's. I was outta there. I don't have the time or patience to put up with that crap.

[thegoodgirl04]

I was just in that kind of situation, but my ex wouldn't tell me about seeing or talking to his ex, I would find out about it later and confront him. I don't know what your situation is, but let me tell you from experience it's not worth it to put up with, he is seeing you, so why does he feel he needs to talk to his ex still? But know, it's not about you, it's about him so don't take it personally.

[emma201279]

to be fair he didnt actually lie to me or go behind my back...because the first time we spoke about it...i asked if he contacted her often..and he said he only gave her a text once in a while just seing how shes was gettin on wit uni etc... and that if i didnt want him to do that he wudnt...and i said...'well i dont wana tell u wat to do...but it does upset me '...tho i didnt actually say to him dont even see her or talk to her again...just said it upsets me that they talk in general ya kno..

[emma201279]

so u think its ok for me to tell him to not see her again....or is that to do wit my own insercurities?? confused!

[Iceman26]

so u think its ok for me to tell him to not see her again....or is that to do wit my own insercurities?? confused!

 

I don't think you should put it to him that way. Simply tell him it makes you uncomfortable, and if he wants to be taken seriously and trusted, he shouldn't go behind your back like that.

 

It has nothing to do with being insecure. It has to do with what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with.

[spiderman_56]

I think you are over-reacting on this issue ... and going over board.

In my personal point of view , I find it harsh to tell someone who to like and who to dislike. Even though you are his mate I find it rough that you can put yourself in a position where you can dictate who is sees and who he befriends.

 

As your mate/bf he has to respect your relationship and if it's an exclusive relationship make sure that you are the only one and in all of that there is trust ...

 

If he is untrustworthy you have all rights to behave like that but if he has been faithhull and honest you surely should give him the credit he deserve.

[romeo0328]

I don't think you should put it to him that way. Simply tell him it makes you uncomfortable, and if he wants to be taken seriously and trusted, he shouldn't go behind your back like that.

 

It has nothing to do with being insecure. It has to do with what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with.

 

I agree with Iceman26 that it's not about being insecure. Most of my friends, including me, also don't like it if their mate still hangs out with their ex. And I doubt that we are all insecure. If the contact to his ex is more important to your bf than the way you feel, then I think this other person is probably more important to him than you or let's put it another way: maybe you are not important enough which is why he doesn't respect your feelings. Talk about this to him, but don't push him too hard because otherwise he will get defensive and stubborn.

[emma201279]

i think its actually frustrating him about how much we do actually talk about it...coz im always bringin it up in conversations. im constanlty asking for reassurance whihc he most the time gives me...i guess i just gota decide for myself...can i deal wit this..and is it worth splitting up over?

[DN]

they're something else i forget to mention in my post.... he went out wit this girl for only 4th months....5yrs ago...and they stayed friends ever since...thats y i felt bad bout it

You feel bad about it because you probably know that it was a brief relationship over five years ago and you are being a little unreasonable here. He is with you and not with her.

 

But this is why you are so concerned

oh and shes really really pretty...much prettier than me!..

and that is an insecurity you need to get past. If he was only about looks he would not be with you. But he is with you because he loves you for who you are and you are attractive to him. But jealous people tend to lose their attractiveness fairly quickly so be very careful.

[miracle29]

I disagree. I think you have every right to put your foot down here.

 

If he wants to be taken seriously and wants you to trust him, then why would he continue on with something that HE KNOWS makes you feel bad?

She is also showing disrespect to you as a woman who knows the two of you are NOW an item. I'm sorry but if he has nothing to hide and simply can't give her up, then why can't you go with him to have drinks and catch up. You are his Girlfriend..not just some casual girl he's dating. Don't second guess yourself. Stay strong here and tell him that you deserve his undivided attention. IF it was only four months and he is over her..then it shouldnt be hard for him to let her go. If he can't let her go..then I'd say he is being unfair to you.

 

Don't ever second guess your gut instincts. He did lie to you...because he didnt call you and say "hey i'm going to have drinks with such and such" he hid it from you...no matter how you want to sugar coat it...he felt a twinge of guilt because perhaps part of him knew it was wrong to catch up withher without first giving you the respect you deserve by telling you and letting you in on it...BEFORE HAND.

 

I could go on....

[the yang to the worlds yin]

I'm on the ex's side here. I know that my ex is my best friend, and I would be devastated if he ever chose not to talk to me again for that reason. If you trust him, wheres the problem?

[DN]

Attempting to control a partner by 'putting your foot down' is usually a mistake. It implies an authority over other people that you do not posses and should not assert.

 

He is not a child or a dog - he is an adult human being who deserves to be trusted and treated respectfully.

 

Being in a relationship does not mean giving up the right to freedom of action.

 

As a society we do not assert the right to lock people up because they might commit a crime.

[miracle29]

Youre right..he's not a CHILD ...which just further proves my points..he already was told by her that "SHE WAS NOT COMFORTABLE"..even a child can figure that one out.

 

I don't care how you put your foot down, verbally, by actions...but you do need to have some backbone here and stand up for yourself. He's already been talked to about this once, how many times do you have to say it before he actually understands how much it means to you?

 

Another thing i'd like to point out is that "SHE TOO is a human being and SHE deserves to be respected" he...nor the ex is exuding this.

 

And now while Everyone's Ex is different....this ex is not showing her respect. Its not ok. I'd ask him to not do this again. ONe thing i will say is that my husband had NO problems cutting off his ex's when we were together and neither did I. In fact..the Ex is the EX for a reason. He and I saw this the same way and so we never had a problem being on the same page. And to be honest...all of my ex's that did try to keep in touch had alterior motives...all except ONE. And that one went up to my then boyfriend (now husband) and introduced himself, because he had nothing to hide. He asked him if it was OK for him to proceed with talking to me. This is how things like this should be handled. Who does this ex think she is?

 

I think if she has nothing to hide...she should show that...instead of trying to keep in contact with him...behind your back.

[emma201279]

yeh i agree wit that, theres no point in tryin to control someone....most the time theyll prob go against u or resent u for not giving them your freedom.

[miracle29]

You shouldnt HAVE to control him. Your feelings should mean so much to him,...that you wont have to .

[emma201279]

yeh miracle...i think you're right...its also not just the fact that im not sure i trust him...but his ex...well shes got a bit of a reputation for dating many many guys and cheated on some...she actually cheated on my b/f too u kno!...however my b/f always said that he never really thought of her as his ex because they went out for such a little time...he thort of her as a friend...tho i dont think, their 'friendship' was always entirely plutonic (until i came around anyway)

but about controlling him...thats wot i think got to me..the fact that he met up wit her anyway, knowing i wudnt be happy about it....and then he prob felt guilty and needed to tell me

[miracle29]

See I knew it...its her...there is something about her. I can bet you a dime to a donut that she is a coniving person. She isnt woman enough to face you and say "hey girl, can I have lunch with so and so...". If she did that or atleast included you and did'nt try to go around you...then this wouldn't even be an issue.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Does it matter if the ex wants him back or not? If he really cares for you, he'll ignore her advances. Be wary, if you can't trust him, the relationships bound to end.

[DN]

You shouldnt HAVE to control him. Your feelings should mean so much to him,...that you wont have to .

 

That is in itself a form of control - it is a sort of emotional blackmail. "If you love me you will do what I want no matter what" and it is extremely destructive to relationships. Beware of doing that - it can come back to bite you. He might well say the same thing to you.

[emma201279]

well surely if you u wer seing someone new...and ur ex wantid u bk ...u wudnt keep meeting up wit them....that wud give them even more of the wrong idea and just lead them on wudnt it??...unless hes jusrt keepin his options open?

[emma201279]

but DN....shudnt there be a compromise? isnt that wot relationships are about? doin the best u can to make each other happy?

[DN]

but DN....shudnt there be a compromise? isnt that wot relationships are about? doin the best u can to make each other happy?

 

Of course. But if you trust your partner that means that you can also compromise on things as well. If you don't trust your partner you should not be with them because lack of trust corrodes relationships faster than almost anything other than actual infidelity.

 

Lack of trust leads to control issues leads to stress on the relationship leads to both partners being unhappy leads to separation.

[miracle29]

DN are you married? Were u ever?

[DN]

DN are you married? Were u ever?

Yes, I am married. My wife and I have absolute trust in each other, respect each other's right to be individuals and love each other dearly. We have a partnership based on mutual understanding and respect. We take our marriage vows seriously and while we have had many difficulties have been able to work them out with negotiation and compromise.

 

I have confidence that our marriage will last because of this. It is possible that it will not of course, who can predict the future with absolute accuracy. But I doubt it will fail based on past performance - it has lasted 31 years so far.