Women make no sense to me

[monsieur]

AHHH I'm going insane with this whole attraction and dating and love thing.

 

My sister had a really good looking, nice boyfriend, and she dumped him recently to go out with another guy that isn't even half as good looking or nice.

 

I know I'm good looking and I am maybe too nice, get called a nice guy alot (and yes, I know I've read all the nice guy stuff on here, I don't agree that I do it to be manipulative, I do agree that I do it because of a deep down low self esteem that is ingrained in me and not repairable, anyway, that's a different topic).... but anyway, I got friendzoned by a beautiful girl, I tried so hard to show her my love and all she wanted to be was friends, and now I see her with a new boyfriend and the guy is half homely, bad haircut glasses, doesn't look anything like what a model looking girl like her should be holding hands with!!! I'm like * * *, is there no hope!!! My strengths do not matter to women, they go for some kind of strange "spark" thing that I do not have the ability to ignite and especially keep going. I am like a spark extinguisher. The fact that people think I'm good looking actually makes it worse, because when you are good looking and don't have any success with females, people think there is something wrong with you, which I guess maybe they are right.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

I understand what those woman are thinking about you. Your so hung up on appearances, and showing some bad character. No offense, just trying to show you whats wrong. You mention how your good looking but how these woman who pick the other guys pick guys that can't compare to you. Those men probably have great personality's and are easygoing. I know often the men I'm really attracted to, are men that my friends don't really think are attractrive. But they attract me because they have so much more to them than just looks.

[monsieur]

You are probably right, but my character flaw isn't one of 'arrogance' of good looks, it is more of the fact that I am totally conscious of my lack of easygoingness and great personality, so I feel that my looks are my only strength, and not a strong enough strength to boot.

 

And through the years I do remember comments that still sting, like one girl I overheard talking to another, saying 'he is so cute, it's too bad' , meaning 'too bad he is so lame and boring and nervous, otherwise he would be a potential boyfriend'

[tylercdurden2004]

Mate you are so wrong.

[monsieur]

Mate you are so wrong.

 

wrong? I know what happens in my life, and I AM a major "spark" extinguisher... I have all kinds of situations, I'll be standing in a bar and a girl will absolutely throw herself at me, and after not too long I have lost her again, or a girl will go to great lengths to get friends to set up a date with me, only for me to extinguish the spark before the end of the date, and on and on and on it goes....

[monsieur]

so I guess the thread is mistitled, women do make sense actually, they are just not looking for the kind of guy that I am. I understand it perfectly.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

You are probably right, but my character flaw isn't one of 'arrogance' of good looks, it is more of the fact that I am totally conscious of my lack of easygoingness and great personality, so I feel that my looks are my only strength, and not a strong enough strength to boot.

 

And through the years I do remember comments that still sting, like one girl I overheard talking to another, saying 'he is so cute, it's too bad' , meaning 'too bad he is so lame and boring and nervous, otherwise he would be a potential boyfriend'

 

Oh gosh, I didn't realise it was you Monsieur. Sorry about that. My advice still holds, you need to have confidence in yourself in all aspects. So some silly women had one impression of you, doesn't make it true. I've talked to you before, you're a really nice guy. I'm sure it's just your attitude towards this whole thing thats the turn off. The rest of you seems perfectly nice.

[monsieur]

You are right, my attitude stinks right now. I have to do something to forget.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Forget?

 

Your probably just having a rough day, don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes we see people we like going after others and it makes us question ourselves. It's a process we've all been through, but if that person doesn't feel their right for us, maybe their just not. You know what I mean?

[monsieur]

And what has further messed me up is the girl that I most recently have been 'involved' with, sent me an email saying how I was so "special" and that I was "nice, better than nice, a really great person", and "sending her love and hopes that I be well" and that she was "not rejecting me, there was just no romantic spark,

 

and it doesn't mean there is anything at all wrong with me", and that "she considers me a really really great friend, and really enjoys hanging out with me, but just as friends, and wants so much in her heart that we can still continue to hang out and be friends"...

 

and then I saw a note she made to her new boyfriend and she is absolutely in love with him, way over head and heels, like walking on air love, a love that I wanted so badly from her and was unable to achieve. It's ripped me apart and I don't know if I will ever recover.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

You'll recover, don't worry. It just takes times. Frankly I've had a few friends in the past, that as much as I adored them as friends, I thought nothing more of them. It's one of those things that you just like who you like.

 

Wanna hear a little something that most people may debate me on, but it may make you feel better. When we sweat we produce pheromones that create a scent that goes into the other persons brain and that's usually what causes the lust that we feel for others initially. Sometimes though that scent isn't quite the right scent for someone and so they don't wind up feeling that attraction. So who knows, maybe it's just that those people biologically don't fit with you.

[Iceman26]

For one, your sister probably likes a'holes, and not nice guys. She will hopefully one day learn her lesson.

 

Two, when you see a model looking girl dating an average-below average looking guy, its probably because A) She likes him for more than his looks, or B) Feels more confident dating a lesser looking man, knowing he probably won't be able to do better than her, making her feel more confident in the relationship.

 

Sadly, many women assume that it is always the good looking guys that are the players. More often than not, it is the average looking guy that is the player because he believes he has something to prove (by sleeping with many women to validate himself) where the good looking guy doesn't need that kind of validation.

[sophie274]

As you yourself pointed out, it sounds like you really lack self-confidence. And yes, to many women (including myself) self-confidence (NOT overdone though - arrogance is DEFINITELY a turn-off) is very attractive.

 

You said something in your original post about "showing women how much you love them" or something close to that (sorry I haven't figured out how to quote the text). Maybe you are being a bit too forward too fast. Personally, I don't like grand declarations of love or big gifts or things of that nature early on in the dating process. From what I've read on this board, I think others are the same way. Maybe you need to try to adopt a more casual attitude?

 

Same goes for the spark. Seems to me, you don't really "create the spark" (or extinguish it for that matter!). It's just sort of there? Maybe if you relax a bit more, and don't try quite as hard, things will come more naturally.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Iceman isn't the validation theory based upon the person itself, thus making it all subjective though?

[monsieur]

well, I've spent so many hours wrestling with the what happened kinds of things in by brain, tossing and turning and all that, and I remember early on when we started doing stuff together, she got close to me one day and I was in kind of a mood and felt nervous and standoffish, and I remember her getting up and giving me kind of a strange look, so I think maybe I inadvertantly gave off really bad body language when the right body language at that exact moment may have resulted in a kiss or cuddle and a whole different outcome to this story.... I don't know for sure, there were other times too, my lack of confidence betrays me often when it comes to body language and even the things I might say or the way I act when nervous, so I have come to the conclusion that that is my downfall and why I lose girls that were initially attracted to me so often.

[monsieur]

Sadly, many women assume that it is always the good looking guys that are the players.

 

 

I think you might be on to something, I feel alot of the times that many women automatically assume something and give me the cold shoulder even if I'm not trying for them at all. Like they acknowledge in their minds that you are attractive but they are not 'attracted' to you, so they really put out signals of non attraction that comes off as 'not-liking' you even though there is no reason and they don't even know you, it is like a pre-emptive "no" that they seem to feel they need to give off.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Who honestly wants someone thats going to prejudge them so unfairly anyways?

[Iceman26]

I suppose so, it is a theory based upon my own personal experiences, and all guys I have been friends with over the years that agree that they had slept around because it gave them a false sense of security and validation .

 

I also had a teacher in college that also reiterated this theory.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

I fully agree that most males that are seeking security and validation will use woman in an attempt to get this, however I think it could apply to any man in that scenario. I know both good looking and average men that do this.

[Süsser Tod]

a) You are WAY too shallow.

 

b) deep down low self esteem that is ingrained in me and not repairable - That has to be fixed, or at least try to hide it.

 

c) You know what the problem is, but refuse to change, and expect the world to adapt to you. That is not going to happen.

 

 

So, you'll keep getting friendzoned until you finally accept your flaws and work on them.

[Süsser Tod]

Sadly, many women assume that it is always the good looking guys that are the players. More often than not, it is the average looking guy that is the player because he believes he has something to prove (by sleeping with many women to validate himself) where the good looking guy doesn't need that kind of validation.

 

 

That is not true. Most of the players I've met have been good looking guys, the minority of the player I've met have been avrage looking guys, and I have met some players, very few, that are quite ugly.

 

And sleeping around is not a validation only average looking guys look for, nor something that all average looking guys look for either.

[Iceman26]

That is not true. Most of the players I've met have been good looking guys, the minority of the player I've met have been avrage looking guys, and I have met some players, very few, that are quite ugly.

 

And sleeping around is not a validation only average looking guys look for, nor something that all average looking guys look for either.

 

Well, that is not true based upon your experiences. I was in fact only referring to my own.

 

I agree, that it CAN be validation for both good looking and average looking guys, but then again, most of the good looking guys that are players KNOW they are good looking and are confident yet sadly they sleep with many women for "sport" and not self validation.

[monsieur]

a) You are WAY too shallow.

 

b) deep down low self esteem that is ingrained in me and not repairable - That has to be fixed, or at least try to hide it.

 

c) You know what the problem is, but refuse to change, and expect the world to adapt to you. That is not going to happen.

 

 

So, you'll keep getting friendzoned until you finally accept your flaws and work on them.

 

 

well, you got it partially right, I know it is my fault and not the world, and I guess I should try to hide the low self esteem, because opening up to girls has always backfired on me..... and I accept that I have major flaws, but I don't know whether I believe they could ever be fixed, I'm not a really young guy, I am over 30, and I've had alot of experience, so I have no excuse... I have found that in my younger days, partying and alcohol ended up helping me out of the friendzone problem many times, but the relationships were rocky.... now that I am older and don't really drink or anything, I find that I am 99% getting into friendzone, and I know it is my own shortcomings that cause it.

[novaseeker]

You could also try to find a therapist to help you work on your self esteem issues. It's sometimes helpful.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

, because opening up to girls has always backfired on me......

 

Wow, so many men seem to think that. Can someone explain to me what caused this mentality?