A question for all you ladies

[munchkin]

The scenario:

 

You have recently (6mths) got out of a relationship that was quite damaging to you, and your previous relationship didnt end well either. You meet someone who you really like, you are not sure if going into a new relationship is the best thing for you right now, you say this to the other person, you say you want to take things slowly. They and you get a bit carried away and jump in quicker than either of you wanted to. You back off and tell the other peron you are not looking for anything other than friendship from anyone. They accept friendship but you know they want more still, you like them, but dont want a relationship at the moment.

 

What would the other person have to do to change your mind about them?

Would you avoid spending time with them as you knew you had feelings for them, but you were not ready to go with them?

[RayKay]

I am going to assume you are probably in this situation, and I will assume you are the one on the side of the fence that wants to be with the other person, but they are not ready? You may be on the other side, but I am just operating on that assumption going by your questions.

 

I think if someone says they want nothing more then friendship, you need to take them at that word. When someone says something like "I am not looking for a serious relationship" it's a good idea to take them on that word. They may seem they are in a relationship with you, to you at least, but generally they will feel once they told you that initially, you can't really expect more from them later. Their heart will never really be in it. As long as they tell you they don't want anything serious, you know what you are dealing with so you can't expect more basically. Anytime you start asking about where things are going, they will remind you they don't want anything serious. I think generally - it's best to step away from these situations and not get overly involved in them.

 

I don't think you can "change" their mind. I think in time they will either decide they want a serious relationship with someone else, or maybe with you, but only if you respect their space now. Or not. In my opinion & experience it usually means they just don't want a serious relationship with YOU but they don't want to be "mean" about it.

 

I think really your "best" bet is to step back and show them you are not going to sit around waiting and centering your life on them. Get out there and date others, live your life. If they really want to be with you, they will let you know it and make it "serious" so they don't lose you to someone else.

 

I guess I would avoid spending time with them if I knew they had deeper feelings and I was feeling pressured to do something I did not want to or felt they were thinking more seriously then I was.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I too am getting what RayKay did.

 

i think you should tell this girl how you feel and leave it in her court.

 

Let her know you understand her hesitations but you feel this is a different situation and you want the opportunity to prove it.

 

If she can't go forward with that, respect her decision and give her LOTS of space. If she does like you, she'll find you.

[a2000]

This is what happened to me.. I said I didn't want a relationship at the moment.

We are currently doing NC. He is giving me 'space'.

I do think this is the best solution because if I contact him I guess it means I am still interested. But if neither of us make contact it means we are getting on with our lives I suppose.

Actions speak louder than words. Try no contact and see what happens.

[piegirl]

I agree wit the other poster's completely.

 

Yet I would like to also say that that is most often the case but not always. My BF was very upfront about what he wanted out a relationship. Basically a good time and if and when things were to get serious then that would be it. I hung in there we got along wonderfully. My BF in the beginning even told me that he was looking for a reason to break up and just had not come up with one yet.

 

All of that was 8 months or so ago. We have now been together for almost 11 months and are living together with my 2 children. We are very happy and it all worked out in my case. Also is worth mentioning here that my BF is the type that does not have the ability to be anything but honest. He has a very animated face that gives away the slightest bit of dishonesty.

 

So that being said while the I agree with the other posters there is always a chance it may work out even if it is a slight one. I guess that is where you need to figure if it is worth the risk of being hurt.

 

But if the person is asking you to leave them alone and give space then do as they ask because if you don't you will only push them away.

[Scout]

It depends on each individual person, because we all process things differently. If I heard the "let's take things slow" and then "Let's just be friends" statements, I would take that as rejection and move on. I wouldn't think it would be my duty or responsibility to change his mind, and at that point, he would have to do a hell of a lot to change MY mind. Because by now, I would be very reserved and aloof around him.

[Dating Coach]

Okay, this is actually very easy. I don't think you want to believe it but here is the situation.

 

1) Girl has had two "bad" relationships, and then ruins the "good one". What is the only common denominator for these relationships failing? HER! What I am seeing is a trend with this girl. I've known many women like this.

 

2) You didn't go quicker than either of you wanted to. You did exactly what both of you wanted to. If you both don't want to do something, you don't go, "Oops, it happened." You both wanted to do what you did, which is why you did it. What happened on the outside was the fact that you were trying to be the gentleman by agreeing to take things slow because that's what she said she wanted. In reality, the physical stuff is not what she wanted to go slow, it was the actual relationship. Being a gentleman you mixed both the relationship an dthe physical stuff in one group when she said she wanted to go slow. That's not what she really meant.

 

3) She is not looking for a relationship with anyone, just friendship? That is an excuse, not the truth. That is her way of letting you down easy, and making it look like it's not you, it's her. In reality, she just doesn't have that spark with you like she thought she might. She wants out. That is why her ACTIONS are to end the relationship. Her words are excuses, her actions are the truth. The truth is that she ended the relationship.

 

4) There is very little you can do here. You can't convince her that you are a great guy or anything like to make her become ready for a relationship with you because that's not the real problem. That's what she's TELLING you. The real problem is that she no longer looks at you romantically so she wants to be free. You can deny it, but it's the truth, I guarantee it. Why? Because this is the same situation exactly that I have been through before. Not just me either. Since I have been helping guys online, I have seen this exact scenario play out many many times. Your story could be someone elses story exactly. Just cut and paste the names of the poster.

 

The best thing for you to do is realize that this is not the one. She's just a chick who is not worth dating. She's full of excuses, she's not interested, and she has a history of bad relationships. Most of what she says is BS.

[Cismet]

I said similar thiing to my current bf a month after we started dating.

 

My advice is tell her how you feel and what you want and give her space.

 

If she wants to be with you, she'll make a contact.

If not, well...you got to let her go and move on with your life.

[munchkin]

Thanks for all the responses so far.

 

Diggity -

1 - the last 2 relationships ended because the first one died and the second one was a bit of a physho and mentally abused her.

2 - The physical stuff developed quickly and then I wanted a relationship which she did not

Whilst I understand where you are coming from, I still dont fully believe that she wants out, some people may genuinely not be ready for a relationship and not jus making n excuse. Mybe I m kidding myself, but there is somthing beyond my control that is driving me toward her, and telling me to stick in there, my instincts are telling me she likes me, but I just scared her off, and i need to get her back, but I am not sure how?

[Shesa]

Yes, sometimes women say that they need space or that they just got out of a difficult relationship AND the translation is: "I dont want to date you, ever."

 

On the other hand, sometimes women who say those things literally means that they need space and just got out of a difficult relationship.

 

I said the latter to my current boyfriend when I first met him two years ago. He left me alone. We ran into eachother a year later, and I was in the same damn situation (I had just broken up with a loser)... except this time I wasnt going to pass him up...and I sucked it up (even though I would have totally loved it if he had given me some time to re-group). But honestly, even though I love him more than anyone and could see myself definitely marrying him... when I met him two years ago, I was not ready for a relationship with him. I needed to work out my issues with my previous relationship. I am just very lucky I got a second chance with a great guy. So, I guess all this means is that if someone is not ready, regardless of how wonderful YOU are, there really isnt anythin you can do but tell her how you feel. If she can't reciprocate within a reasonable amount of time-- chalk it up to bad timing and move on.