I want her back...

[Crawlin4x4]

I want my ex back. I posted a few times in the relationship forum about what happened. and pretty much all the respose in get is "its over. leave her alone".

 

as much i as i want to, i just cant. I love this woman. i love her with all my heart despite the fact that she hurt me.

 

simply put, i got involved with a woman who was married but getting a divorce. he had been out of the house for a while, she had dated a fwe others before me. I met her at work and we hit if off very well. we quickly got together and had a very passionate relationship. talked about marriage and everything. this went on for 6 months. during our final few months she started talking about working it out with her husband. Her and i did not have a perfect relationship, no relationships are perfect. but we were however able to talk out almost any problem we had, soemtimes it was easy other times it was hard. but we always did.

 

this got her thinking "if i need to work this hard on him.. they why am i not working on it with my husband and my family". that realization is what separated us. Lovingly she told me what her intentions were, and that as much as it hurt her, we had to be over so should could fix her family. I love her and i didnt argue. She was very sorry for getting involved with me only to break it off and go back. I was suportive at first. i told her she is doing the right thing.

 

its been a little over a month since this happened. i went through my phases of griving. a few times, based on comments on this website from others, i tried to go NC with her, i told her it was best for her if she didnt talk to me anymore. She was never happy with this and always found a way to convince me to be in communication with her. she would tell me that she still lvoes me and sometimes thinks she made a mistake going back.

 

 

other times she tells me that she is very very happy with her husband again and she is sorry. often times she calls me very early in the morning and tells me things she shouldnt. she wishes i was with her, or that i could come see her. but when i act on that she tells me that i cant.. its not right.

 

i recently tried to go on a date, and the next day she called very upset and hurt, asking me how it went and if i could please call her as soon as i got the message. (this was 4 days ago)

 

i finally had enough, and told her that if she is going to work on her marriage then she needs to focus on HIM and not me. that if she wants me.. then BE with me.. dont just tell me how she feels and do nothing about it. When i confronted her today about it on the phone. she said she didnt remember calling me early in the morning. When i confronted her about calling me after my date. she said i took waht she said out fo context (i think she is just lying to herself) she re-assured me that she is very very happy with her husband adn that she will never come back to me. when she left she was very sad and loving to me about it. Now she is mean about it, maybe becuase i wont let it go? i dont know.

 

she says she is happy with him. but why then is she still telling me the things she tells me. Why text me and tell me "please get out of my head" (i assume that to mean she cant stop thinking about me) why tell me that when she is with me, it takes everything she has not to just turn around and kiss me.

 

the converstation we had today was basically her telling me that she was very happy with her husband and that the best thing for everyone involved is to stop talking to me and stop being around me (which is what i said a month ago!!!!) i agreed and said i think that she is fooling herself. and that she does love me and is convincing herself that she does not just so her can "work" on her marraige.

 

all said and done.. reguardless of all that has happned, i want her back, i want to be with her.. i really do. have i messed this up? should i have gone NC way back when it started? i feel that i gaqve her what she wanted and i did the right thing by giving it to her (my emotions even though she was not with me)

 

its been over a month and i am still heart broken over it. i cant helpo this feeling and just letting her go and moving on isnt going to work for me.. not right now.

 

so what can i do? IF there is any hope at all for us.. how can i ensure that i at least get some kind of chance in the future with her? or at the very least how can i do all i can do to make sure i dont screw up that chance when it presents itself.

 

all i want is the love of my life back, and i think deep down she wants that too.. or else why would she still tell her husband that she loves me still? (she said that less than a week ago, to him.. and to me)

 

 

im so conufsed as to what she really wants vs what she says she wants

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

i think you're probably best off to go ahead and let it go. if at some point in the future things happen and it seems to make more sense then that's different. also, isn't she married. i know no one's perfect but i just don't believe she should have anything to do with another guy being married...but if she was unhappy she should have first finalized a divorce, then worried about moving on, but youall can't go back. so i don't really know you two whole story but that's just what i think.

[keefy1972]

No you didn't mess it up. But you do need to go NC right now. She is married and needs to realize, on her own, that she wants to be with you. She can't do that with you in the picture. Plus, in case things work out with her and her husband, you will be better prepared to handle it.

[crvers]

I hate to say this because I understand your plea.

 

But let go...its the best thing you can do for yourself. Trust me I am speaking from experience dude. RECENT experience. I held hope for my ex of 2 years for the past 3 months and all its gotten me is more heartbreak. Everytime she called I would read into it as she missed me. Except all she was, was interested in what I was doing not me exactly. People advocate No Contact in here like its gospel. But the fact is, its the only way you can deal with your emotions and try and bring yourself back up to par.

 

You aren't ready to move on, but she is. And while she is, you'll be standing still while the world continues to revolve. I can't stress this enough that hoping you can get her back will only increase and prolong the pain you'll feel in your chest.

 

I know it did for me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

why don't you let yourself mourn the loss of this woman?

 

I think you need some closure and finalization so you CAN move on. Mourn it like a death. Something that can not be resurrected.

[Crawlin4x4]

the hardest part is making that desision. its hard to tell myself "its over... " becuase i so desperatly dont want it to be. i find it odd that every time i decided to do something, like NC or anyting else, she was against it. Against it to the point of tears when i woudl tell her. but then a week later she decides the same thing and there is nothing i can do to change her mind.

[crvers]

Well just remember, doing contact may not help either. I thought I could handle talking to my ex in the last couple weeks and all it did is provide false hope. And it only led to a harsher heartbreak when i found out she was dating someone else...so soon after our breakup, and she didn't tell me. So really even talking doesn't necessarily provide you with reality.

 

Breaking contact for a time to allow yourself to re-coup and re-focus is usually the best way to handle these thing.

 

I didn't want to believe it was over. I thought there was hope. Then I see her kissing someone else. Its crushing. And continually seeing her and talking to her hasn't allowed me to try and move forward with my life. All it does it stick me in this spot to remember the good times.

 

I'm telling ya mate, break ties...even for a couple months, let her figure her stuff out...if u feel the same way in that time and she comes running back, well you'll be in a position where your stronger and able to see the whole relationship for what it is. When your emotions are high, we all idolize and forget the truth...all we do is remember the dream of the life that we want.

[Crawlin4x4]

your right. really good advice. i can try. i will try. i definetly see your point and i am experianceing the same thing. for a week or so i was doing really well. but we also had very little contact. she did come running back to me in a way and it made me feel really good. When i let her back in, all it did was set me up for the heart break once more. and here i am now, in heart break #2 over the same thing and the same girl. though its harder the 2nd time around i think.

 

i think i let her have the feelings she needed to have, and it allowed her to maybe get it out of her system to a point where she can move on in confidence, If i woulda just went NC with her back at the begning she would stil be struggling with how she felt. and by not letting her get the closure she needed she would feel probably how i feel now.

 

unfortunately for me, i gave into how i felt and let her back into my heart and set myself up for another heart break and now i feel really stupid for doing it. and i also feel that i destroyed any chance we had.

 

such is life i suppose.. she sees how much i am hurting and i think she realizes now that its becuase she is staying in contact with me. I hope that despite how she feels for me she will do her best to not be selfish and continue to tell me things that i dont need to hear. though i a weird way, i want her to tell me becuase it lest me know that she still cares.

 

love sucks

[crvers]

Oh Yeah, it can suck...but there is the other side, the one we all crave.

 

So you took a step back. It alright, the reason we fall down is to learn to pick ourselves up. Hopefully at the end we come out as a stronger, more confrident and more learned person.

 

Pain is inevitable, suffering is option. My friend told me that. You can choose to suffer and wait. Or you can try to move forward. Heartbreak hurts (even literally) To make the decisive decision to move on without someone you had deep feeling for is hard. You don't want to listen to your head because your heart is screaming to you not to do anything but get them back.

 

You want to say to them "choose me! Love me!" because I love you. Unfortunately it doesn't work like the movies. Love has been glorified, there is good moment and bad moments. The good moments are filled with this wonderful music that makes you want to dance. The bad moments make you want to curl up and cry in a corner by yourself.

 

I guess I am just rambling. My point is: If you let her go and repair the damage in yourself, then either she'll seeing it shining in you or another incredible woman will. Have faith in yourself and your ability to be great, and someone who is meant to see it will. If she doesn't thats her loss.

[keefy1972]

It allowed her to move on in confidence because you made her feel like you are always going to be there for her. NC will take care of that and shake her confidence like nothing else could. I gaurantee you that.

 

Something you have to realize about people is that when they speak emotionally, it is never final, it is just the way they feel AT THAT TIME.

[chai714]

Keefy - welcome back to the boards. Haven't seen you in a while.

 

Crawlin - Keefy is right to a large degree about NC. It will shake her confidence. Reading your post made me want to pull out my hair and yours too. This woman is keeping you on a string as her puppet and you are continually buying her words. The thing is, her words are empty so you're getting ripped off.

 

Stay away from her for now. She's married, she's "trying to work it out" with her husband, and she wants the confidence knowing you'll be there "in case things don't work out." Quit treating her like she's the last woman on earth, because she's far from it. Believe it or not, there are single, available women out there who are not married. With that being said, do not allow her to try to take advantage of you any longer. No telling her about your dates, no reassuring her that you'll be there for her, and quit feeling bad for her. In other words, quit buying that empty box she's selling - you're being fooled by her words.

[Crawlin4x4]

i appreciate your words folks. I am trying NC. yesterday i was very motivated and it seemed like it was going ot be easy, today ive held the phone in my hands a few times but put it back down. its going to be tough, i also work with this girl and in a little bit im going to be around her for 8 hours.

 

at least we work in differnt departments

[keefy1972]

Thanks Chai...I've been popping in from time to time, offering my two cents here and there. Glad to see you are still here offering advice that's as sound as ever.

 

Crawlin, dude, I'm telling you right now, I was in your exact situation. I worked with a girl who was involved in a long term relationship (not married but being with someone for close to 10 years...really whats the difference?) We became very close, she dumped him and we dated, she broke my heart when she said she wanted to try and work it out with him. That sucked for me because I worked with her directly. I have since transfered to another department. But I did what you are doing. I was too afraid to follow through with no contact because of this fear that she would think I wasn't interested. So I let her pull my strings and I would ask how high whenever she said jump. THAT WAS 2 YEARS AGO. I'm still not over it and she is still with him. She still tries to pull my strings, although, I don't allow it anymore.

 

Go into no contact or you will end up like me. 2 years later and you're still going to be hurting. Do you want that? I hope not.

[Crawlin4x4]

I dont want to be hurting in 2 years at all, i dont want to be hurting now! but it does hurt. oddly enough the more i have contact with her, the worse i feel. becuase we go a few days where she seems to give me hope.. with how she talks to me, and the thigns she says. then i aske the wrong qeustions and either make her mad.. or hear something i didnt want to hear (like how happy she is with her husband.. which has got to be BS if less than a wek ago she was crying to me) anyway.. those things really hurt me and i go right back into being as depressed as i was when it first started.

 

its been ALMOST 24hrs with no contact. and it sucks, even a month after she left, it sucks. i find myself re-reading emails a few weeks old with the words "i love you" in them from her.. or letter she wrote months ago telling me how she would never leave me, nothing could pull her away from me. that stuff makes my tummy hurt, and it gives me hope.

 

i have her on my buddy list on msn and aol instant messenger. she just logged on, i didnt say anything to her.. she didnt say anything to me. i am the only person on her list at all, before me she never got online for anything, but since me i tought her about messenging and what not. then she started to log on just so she could chat with me. so i know whe she is online its not for anything important, other than paying a few bils..

 

anyway, i guess all im saying is, i know oshe sees my name on there and wonders if i am going to message her. and i dont. but then she signed off, i was hoping she would say hi, so i could at least ignore her.. and she didnt. so that made me hurt all over again.

 

so i just now blocked her screen names so i dont show up as online to her anymore. she will most definatly take notice becase i have cable internet and she KNOWS that i am always at my comptuer if i am not at work.. when she gets online and sees that im not there anymore.. she will notice and wonder why.

 

in an hour i have to see her at work.. its going to be hard to jsut be poitive and be happy. i need to create happy thoughts for her.. then go NC with her. if i am moping around work it will most likley just piss her off, i think. but if i am happy and positive she wil wonder why i am so happy, then when i dont talk to her it will make her think.

 

i hope anyway. this is still so hard. and still hurts very bad. it physically hurts which is the sucky part.

[Crawlin4x4]

well here we are 5 days later. I went NC for 2 days. then i had to work with her. i didnt talk to her at work, didnt interact with her.. nothing. There are a few people at my work place that i hvae talked to about waht is going on and apprently it came back to bite me.

 

i had said something to someone aobut what aws goin gon, i was not negative, nor positive, just said how it was, what happened, and really that i thought it was for the best. (i want to maintain her dignity).

 

anyway, he apprently want to her and told her what i said. And i guess slightly embelished a little bit to her. (i didnt know this until after all this went down) later that day he had come to give me a hand with something that was rather odd for him to do, being as it was not his department at all. but.. i accepted his help. I spoke nothing about my situation to him, just causal work talk. then all the sudden he spouts out "so he (her husband) has been calling her all day!" i kinda gave a retort of "that * * * * * * *" but i immediately backed it up with "he has every right ot call her. and if i was in his position i would be calling her too", "im not mad at him. he didnt do anything wrong" it sorta stemed out from there. but i had suspicion that he was tlaking to her so i made sure that everything i said was positive about her and her marriage.

 

anyway thats how that went, later i notced him talking to her and it all cliked. later that night she approached me with "hey i need to talk to you" so i went with her and she told me she didnt appreciate me talking about her and if i would kindly knock it off. of course i got angry, its not like im talking about HER, im simply having conversations with a few folks that were "in the know" about what happened. anyway, i basically told her taht, i mentioned to her that this other person came to me and told me things just to get me to say something and then went back to her.

 

later that night, after we got off of work, i called her to talk about what happened, and to also explain why i was distant. (nc) We came to a mutual agreement that at work we would be socialble as long as the topic of conversation was work related and required us to talk about it to eachtother. other than that.. nothing personal. she didnt like it, but i told her that i needed to do this to help myself heal. I told her that being friendly with her only hiurts me inside beucase i am still very very much in love with her. she hung on me a few times when i would say things like "im taking your name off my msn messenger so i dont have to see you log in" -click. so i called back.. she didnt asnwer so i just left a message saying that it wasnt that i hated her.. jsut that it hurts to see her online and not be able to talk to her. a few min later she called back and we talked for a while longer about it

 

i made it clear to her that i do not want her talking ot me at all outside of work. Unwillingly she agreed (which kinda surprsed me) she said she wished it didnt have to be this way. to which i agreed. when we were done i told her this was goodbye. no talk to you later.. nothing. just goodbye. and i think she got the point

 

now its been 4 days and ill tell you waht. it sucks i have resisted the urge to call her pretty well. i have written her about 6 emails. but i dont send them. i wrote a few text messages, but didnt send them.

 

i went out with some friedsn the other night to the club, i thought it would be a good idea but it ended up not. Every girl i would dance with or talk to or look at...it just wasnt her, and all it did was make me miss her more than i already did.

 

there has to be another solution other than NC. but.... even when i wasnt NC i felt just as crappy. do i just hope that all this fades away over time? seems sorta * * * *ty to me to let love die intentionlly. i almost feel that for as long as it burns in me i should be trying daily and showeing her that im not giving up. but.. i guess tahts just torture

[keefy1972]

All I can say is that love is great and grand. It's fantastic when it flows evenly both ways. Love that isn't reciprocated to the same level is cruel and unfair. Letting it ... promoting it to die intentionally isn't just sad, it's necessary!