What a doozy I've gotten myself in to.

[marriednlost]

OK, this is will be complicated and hard for some to understand, so I will try to make as much sense out of it as I can. Before my husband and I even started dating, I dated his brother. Well, sort of dated. It started out as a purely sexual relationship, but it went on to last for over 2 years. The sex was amazing, something I had never experienced with any other man before or since. But he couldn't commit and it ended.

 

While that relationship was going on, his brother (now my husband) and I became good friends. Best friends. After encouragement from a lot of our friends, we started dating. Oddly enough, this did not cause any strain between the two of them, so our relationship went on to grow and we ended up getting married after almost 3 years together. We've now been married for 2 1/2 years and have an 18-month-old son. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship who's 8, and my husband adopted her.

 

My brother-in-law and I have remained good friends, and our relationship kind of took on a brother/sister type dynamic. My husband is fully aware of the past his brother and I have, but has had no problem with us being friends. Nothing inappropriate had ever happened between us, until a few weeks ago.

 

I think it is safe to say that I have not been completely happy in my marriage for a long time. I never ever want to have sex, and when I do it feels like a chore, something I do out of obligation. We bicker and argue and resent each other for lots of things. But he's still a good husband and father. He's always here, he works hard, and he's not abusive or unfaithful to me. But I just don't feel any passionate feelings toward him.

 

Back to the inappropriateness w/my brother-in-law. We were out of town, and we went out with some friends. I had too much to drink, and we ended up sleeping in the same bed together. We didn't have sex, didn't even kiss. I was fully clothed in a t-shirt and sweatpants the entire time. Basically, we talked about old times, how fantastic our sex life was. We talked about fantasies and he ended up masturbating while in bed with me. I did not do it for him.

 

We had a long discussion about it the next day, and determined it was completely inappropriate and couldn't ever happen again. We talked about my marriage and my lack of happiness with it, and a bunch of other stuff.

 

But, we found ourselves in the same situation 2 more times over the next couple of days, although I wasn't drunk those times. I was fully aware of what I was doing and didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. I wanted it to go further, but it didn't. And as soon as we got back, it was over. We've only spoken of it once. However, now I can't stop thinking about my brother-in-law. We've been hanging out, just like we did before, but now all I think about is having sex with him and it's making me crazy. But I can't put the brakes on being around him completely because then my husband will know something is up.

 

So I basically have two problems. I don't know if I want to be married anymore (which is something I had been contemplating long before this other stuff happened) and I want to have sex with my brother-in-law all the time. I'm not thinking I can leave my husband and live happily ever after with his brother, because it would never be that way, and I know that. I'm wondering if I should seek counseling and try to make my marriage work, or move on and be a happy person. I don't believe in staying married for the sake of the kids. My parents did that, and it made me miserable during my entire childhood.

 

So, lay it on me. I can take it. That's why I'm seeking the advice of strangers. I can't talk to ANYONE I know about this.

[Tigris]

If you try marriage counselling to try and solve the problems with your husband then if you do end up filing for divorce he can't say that you never tried to sort things out.

 

Last year I struggled with my sexuality and eventually I admitted to my husband that I'd talked to the doctor and he was referring me to a Psycho Sexual Counsellor. My husband agreed to attend the meetings.

 

I had had problems for 6 years and I'd told him and he'd chose to stay with me because I hadn't committed adultery. Unfortunately, our marriage ended after 14 years. I regretted hurting him and still do but I didn't love him as a husband/lover anymore. I couldn't live a lie for the rest of my life.

 

If the two of you are unhappy the children will know something's wrong.

[tylercdurden2004]

At the very least you have committed emotional cheating with his brother. Just as bad as if you had sex. The fact that you had to be "talked" into dating says you have never had "feelings" for him. Are you sure you didnt get with your husband to keep some sort of relationship with his brother?

[RandomAdvisor]

You've been married to your husband for only two and a half years, yet you say you havn't been completely happy with him for "a long time." How long is that exactly? Immediately after the marriage?

 

You sound bored with your husband. Very bored. The brother that didn't want to commit but was great in bed sounds like an arch typical bad boy, and I get the feeling you settled for his brother.

 

Why did you marry your husband?

[marriednlost]

The fact that you had to be "talked" into dating says you have never had "feelings" for him.

 

I said we were "encouraged" by our friends to date each other, meaning we had the idea and thought about pursuing it, but we weren't positive how things would go with his brother. We didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable or unhappy. But, things worked out and no one's feelings got hurt.

 

I married my husband because he is a wonderful person. Like I said, we were best friends and it turned in to something more. But, I feel now that the passionate feelings I once had for him have faded and the "best friend" feelings remain. I don't want to hurt him, but I can't stay in a marriage for the rest of my life to someone I view as a friend only. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me. I think the whole incident with my brother-in-law was just a wake-up call to alert me to the problems in my marriage.

[tylercdurden2004]

OK "encouraged" same thing. It was something you were not "totally" comfortable with but you still went with it. Now you're seeing why you shouldnt have. Because you never had the "attraction" to your husband. You were atttracted to the fact that he was a good guy. Marrying some because they are wonderful doesnt make for a relationship. I know many wonderful women out there that I wont marry because I am not attracted to them.

[novaseeker]

Perhaps, but the issue is "What to do now".

 

To the OP: I think you should give some deep consideration to these issues in terms of your feelings for your husband and what you want out of life. It can happen as you have written, but there could also be other factors at play (including the proximity of your brother in law, which could have a definite impact on how you are thinking/feeling at the moment).

[tylercdurden2004]

Perhaps, but the issue is "What to do now".

 

To the OP: I think you should give some deep consideration to these issues in terms of your feelings for your husband and what you want out of life. It can happen as you have written, but there could also be other factors at play (including the proximity of your brother in law, which could have a definite impact on how you are thinking/feeling at the moment).

 

What to do now? End the relationship with someone who you are not attracted to. It will only get worse as time goes on because you simple do not and seemingly never have felt that attraction to him. It will only continue as a miserable marriage and most likely you will look for that attraction outside the marriage. You are already strongly considering it.

[novaseeker]

I don't disagree that this might be the conclusion that the OP draws. What I was suggesting is that reaching that conclusion may require some more real reflection, given the situation. I don't advocate staying married because there are children in the picture (after all I am divorced myself), but I do think that when you are married with children you should think carefully and consider carefully what is happening before you decide finally to end a marriage.

[thisisjustsowrong]

Hey, there is a thread about the difference between to love somebody and to be in love with somebody, seems like related to your problem, you might want to check it out.

 

 

 

I think it's quite natural for the attraction to fade in time in a long term relationship. You have to work at it to keep the flames burning. It will happen in your next relationship too, so you have to decide very carefully before you throw away something good. You may not feel you are in love with your husband anymore, but do you love him? Think about that first.

 

I am reading a book that has a part relating to what you are going through right now, I can send you an excerpt if you like, might be illuminating, it's sort of long so I didn't want to post it here.

[tylercdurden2004]

I don't disagree that this might be the conclusion that the OP draws. What I was suggesting is that reaching that conclusion may require some more real reflection, given the situation. I don't advocate staying married because there are children in the picture (after all I am divorced myself), but I do think that when you are married with children you should think carefully and consider carefully what is happening before you decide finally to end a marriage.

 

Of course. Its up to her to think about everything. Take what people have said here and elsewhere and to make her OWN decision. That goes without saying.

[marriednlost]

Husband and I finally had a heart-to-heart last night, and I told him I wasn't happy, that I hadn't been in a long time, probably going back to 2004 when I was pregnant with our son. He asked me if I was willing to seek counseling, and I told him I was. He has pretty much stated that divorce is not an option and we have to make this work. I told him that if we went to counseling and we couldn't work this out, divorce would be an option because I'm not going to stay married to him if we're not happy. In the long run it would make us and our kids miserable. He, of course, is very upset and feels blindsided by the whole thing, but I knew I would have to talk to him eventually. I couldn't just go on like this and deal with this by myself. I did not tell him about the situation with his brother and I have absolutely no intention of doing so, ever. i agree, there was definitely a mental affair going on there, but the truth is is that it wasn't physical, thereforeeee no reason for me to bring it up. That would complicate things in his whole family, because eventually his parents would get involved, and the last thing I need is his mother coming down on me, too.

 

I don't know that counseling will help, but I don't want to end this without being able to say that I tried. I just don't see how passion can be brought back when it's gone. how does that work?

[tylercdurden2004]

Be honest its more than a mental affair, a mental affair is something you think of, since we are free to think what we want I dont really believe there is such a thing. you are committing emotional infidelity, this is quite different than purely mental. Thinking of his brother might be what you call a mental affair, having deep heart to heart talks about your relationship and feelign for his brother is emotional cheating. Its a good start to talk to your husband and counselling might be the first step. Its good that you set the boundary by saying divorce is an option. Hopefully it all works out for the best. I however dont see it working out if that "attraction" was never there and his brother is ALWAYS going to be in the picture some how.

[novaseeker]

I don't know that counseling will help, but I don't want to end this without being able to say that I tried. I just don't see how passion can be brought back when it's gone. how does that work?

 

Basically it's about starting a new relationship with your husband. When I was in marital therapy and we were pretty much at the end of the rope (not too dissimilar a situation to yours, where the passion was gone), the therapist made clear that if things were to work out, it would be a different relationship from what we originally had. It would be like starting again a new relationship with the same person, rather than getting the old relationship back again.

[marriednlost]

i see what you mean about "mental" and "emotional" affair. i was using the terms interchangeably, but i see the difference now that you point it out. yes, emotional affair, indeed. but, dear brother-in-law will always be around, probably no matter what happens. he has a very close relationship with my kids. we live down the street from each other, he comes by nearly every day to see them. so i can't avoid him. this is all so frustrating.

[Tigris]

Good luck with the counselling.