marriednlost

oh yes, husband is well aware of his brother's antics. we were all three together somewhere about a month after the truth came out about the almost-affair, and things were understandably very tense. it was very obvious. the ex was being a huge jerk to me, husband was doing nothing about it, and i was miserable. it's so strange. months will go by and everything is fine. the ex will be fine, being nice, not causing problems, then all of a sudden he will be a huge pr*ck for no reason. i try really hard not to fight with my husband about it, but if the shoe were on the other foot, i would call out my brother for treating my spouse that way. honestly, i would have punched my brother in the face for trying to sleep with my wife, but he never said a WORD to him. yes, my husband knows about the no-strings relationship. he was very aware of the type of relationship it was and how sad it made me to go through it. i honestly don't know if the ex tries to cause conflict just for the sake of doing it, or if it's his way of dealing with other feelings. of course, if he's really NPD he probably doesn't have feelings. my husband guessed that he behaved the way he did after all the stuff went down because he was reacting to being stressed out and didn't know how else to act. like it was almost easier for him to pick fights with me than deal with any genuine feelings about the whole thing. i haven't had the almost-affair thrown back in my face for quite a while. it was just awful having that happen when it did. it made me very resentful of my ex because he got none of that. he got to go on his merry way while my husband and i were barely speaking to each other and i had to look at his heartbroken puppy dog eyes for days on end. i really think my husband is past it. right now, his concern is that we haven't had sex in over 3 months. that's another problem i've had, and that goes back to before the incident with the ex. i think almost sleeping with my ex was a direct result of me not being attracted to my husband anymore. ah yes, it just gets more complicated...

yes, my husband and i talked about what happened with me and his brother, and we have resolved it. it took several months. there were plenty of times it got thrown in my face during arguments, but that hasn't happened in a while. it still p*sses me off that my husband never confronted his brother about almost sleeping with his wife, and it p*sses me off even more that my BIL never took responsibility for his part of that situation and talked to my husband about it. they both went on like nothing happened, yet i fought with my husband about it for months and had to suffer through my BIL being a complete jerk to me every time the three of us were in the same place together. he would be fine when it was just the two of us, but get me, my husband and BIL in the same place, and BIL would constantly pick arguments with me. it doesn't make any sense. he's such a baby! i hope more people try to help me out here. i really could use all the advice i can get. thanks.

if the guy is threatening suicide, it's only because he has seen that threat make you stay in the past. chances are, he won't really do it, and if he does, he would have probably done it anyway, even without you in the picture. the next time he plays that card, call the police, then wash your hands of it. quit your job, and don't look back. you can't let him guilt you in to staying around. YOU are not responsible for his mental health. it's not your job to keep him alive. that's his job, and he's being very manipulative by trying to make you feel like it's your responsibility to make sure he doesn't off himself. totally sick. the other guy? lose him too. he sounds like a loser who wants to play head games with you. drugs aren't cool, either. that will lead to a whole bunch of new problems for you. problems that will make the crazy dentist pale in comparison. offload both of these guys, get a new job, and don't date people you work with! good luck to you!

i totally agree with the previous poster. you are young, she's young. you're in college! a whole new world of opportunity and adventure is coming your way. by no means does that mean your girlfriend isn't special to you or that you don't love her. it means that you have all the time in the world to have a girlfriend and have fun. granted, you're only a couple of hours away, so that does make things easier in terms of spending time together. if you were hundreds of miles away, i would say cut each other loose and live your life. but, if you're having these feelings, maybe moving on is the best thing. think about her, too. she's in high school? this is her time to be having fun and dating around. maybe you should talk to her. who knows? she could be struggling with the same feelings. good luck!

how do i deal with it? i couldn't decide exactly which forum to post this in, because it is such a strange and complicated problem. i don't know that it goes with any particular category. basically, here's the story. i dated a guy about 7 years ago. we had one of those "no strings" kind of relationships, which i was fine with for a while. but after a short while, i developed genuine feelings for him. i fell in love with him. but when i would start to try and get close, he would pull away. then, when i would distance myself, he would come on strong again. he would do and say things that were so hurtful and awful. he once gave me a list of why i wasn't marriage material, even though i didn't even ask. he went hot-tubbing with another girl at a party and i walked right in to it. but i would always go back. it took me meeting another guy to get me to finally break away from this horrible situation. but, the other guy was the ex's brother. perfect, right? everything was working out great for a long time. the brother and i ended up getting married, and i had a healthy friendship with the ex for the first time in a long time. so fast forward to this past spring. my husband and i were having problems. i hadn't been happy for a long time, kind of wondering if i made the right decision by marrying him. my feelings of doubt didn't have anything to do with my ex. i thought i was completely over him. but then i was in a situation where i had the opportunity to cheat. with the ex. my brother-in-law. yep, it got a whole lot worse. we didn't have sex, didn't even kiss. but it started a months-long roller coaster of emotions, what if's, will we or won't we kind of junk. then i started to have feelings for the ex all over again. he seemed like he had feelings for me too. before i knew it, we were back to a lot of the same patterns we engaged in before when we were dating. he would be great one minute, be my friend, flirt, make me feel special. then, if i responded he would withdraw, say something hurtful and mean, flaunt other girls in my face. i was slowly getting sucked in to the same cycle of exhiliration followed by crushing pain inflicted by him. on top off all that, my husband found out about me and his brother almost sleeping together. and you know what? i had to deal with the backlash of the whole thing. my brother-in-law never talked to my husband, never explained himself, never apologized. i had to handle the whole thing by myself. so to get to the whole point of this, i recently discovered narcissistic personality disorder. my ex could be a poster boy! it all makes sense to me now. every symptom, every example, my ex has displayed. i have been a victim of his madness for nearly 10 years now. this whole time i felt things were my fault, things that in actuality were not my fault at all. it was the NPD. i blamed myself for that relationship not working out, for not being good enough for him. granted, i made my share of mistakes. i almost cheated on my husband with him, i allowed myself to get sucked back in to being his narcissistic supply (i LOVE that term, because it's so true). now i want to know, how do i deal with him for the REST of my LIFE? as long as i am married to his brother, i will have to deal with him and his sick and twisted ways. he is close to our kids, he drops by my house almost every day. if i call him out on this NPD (which i have a sneaking suspicion he is aware of, as he's been in therapy) he will deny it. either way, he will continue to try and cause conflict between me and my husband. (he likes to pick fights with me when the three of us are together, and he knows my husband doesn't like to get in the middle of stuff, so then i will get mad at the husband for not sticking up for me.) it will be a vicious cycle forever. how do i handle him without him KNOWING i am handling him? sorry for the lengthy message, but i felt i should get in as much detail as possible. any questions, just ask. i know it sounds crazy. it is crazy.

no, he takes care of himself just fine. he treats me well, for the most part. we have our spats, which is normal. granted things have gotten worse lately because of these issues. but no, he does not mistreat me, he's not abusive or anything of the sort. i'm just not attracted to him. he feels more like a friend to me. i compare the feelings to feelings i have for a guy friend that i love dearly, but couldn't dream of having sex with. as far as depression being the reason for my lack of desire, the depression hasn't always been here. i think the depression is a result of these problems i've been having. even when i'm not depressed i still don't want to have sex with him. i'm depressed because i'm unhappy in my current situation. thereforeeee, i'm wondering if a separation is what i should try. i know he truly loves me, but i think this is more than just a dry spell. when we do have sex, i absolutely do not enjoy it and don't want to be doing it. i've tried the "do it more and you'll want it more" approach, and that doesn't work either. we have plenty of alone time. the kids go stay with grandparents for a night about twice a month. i just don't think this is who i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i'm not saying there's someone else. maybe i'm not supposed to be married to anyone. i just know i don't want to let my whole life pass me by while i'm always wondering. does that make sense?

i told my husband last night that i want to separate for a little while. or a long while, depending on how it goes, i guess. basically, i have been unhappy for a long time, the better part of 2 years. i have zero sexual attraction to my husband, and no matter how hard i try i can't sleep with him. we haven't had sex in over 2 months, the longest we've gone (except for the time right after i had our son). about 9 months ago i almost had an affair, but didn't. my husband found out about it, and that has put a huge strain on things, even though he tells me he forgives me. we get along in all other areas of our marriage. it's just that we're more like roommates rather than husband and wife. we have 2 kids (one that i brought to the marriage and one together.) i hate thinking what a separation will do to the kids, but i grew up with unhappy parents and it made me miserable. i think my kids will be better in the long run if we part. i was in therapy by myself for about 6 months, but i don't think it helped a great deal. my therapist was very wishy washy about his thoughts on my relationship. one minute he would tell me he thought it was probably going to end, and the next he would be commending my husband's commitment to our marriage and say that we could work it out. i haven't been to the therapist in a few months, and lack of money is part of the reason. i can't help but feel as if this life is not supposed to be all there is for me. like there is something else out there for me, somewhere else i will end up. depression has really been setting in lately. the holidays were a disaster. i didn't want anything to do with them. i didn't want to decorate the tree or the house, didn't want to go shopping, wrap presents, go visit family. i just wanted it to be over. i really have no emotion about anything. the only thing i seem to get any joy out of is my son, who's 2 years old. i don't know how to do this whole separation thing, and i guess that's what i'm seeking advice on. i need people who have been there to tell me how to go about it. i work, but i don't make nearly enough to support this house and our monthly expenses. i bring in about a 1/3 of what my husband earns every month. he doesn't make enough to pay for an apartment and help with the bills here as well. i know sacrifices would have to be made, but i don't want to uproot my kids from their house and add more complication to an already difficult situation. i have rambled on long enough. i hope someone has some advice for me.

i posted on here over a month ago about a situation that happened with my brother-in-law. long story short, i have been unhappy with my marriage for a long time. i dated my brother-in-law before i married my husband (several years before). sex life with the BIL was fantastic, best i've ever had. sex life with my husband, eh, not so much. not to mention a host of other problems. BIL and i got in to an inappropriate situation a couple of months ago, which basically involved us sleeping in a bed together, no sex, no making out, no kissing, but there was definite wanting on both of our parts. we discussed it after the fact, and decided it would never happen again. thus, our emotional affair was born. there has been flirting and innuendos ever since. we have spent the night together a few time since then. again, no sex, making out or kissing. however, i think i am realizing what i have known all along in the back of mind, and it's that i may love him. but i know he doesn't have those feelings for me. he acknowledges that he is incapable of being emotionally attached to anyone and that we kept staying together because he's depressed, i'm unhappy in my marriage and we were probably just seeking solace from each other. but i guess his conscience kicked in because he said it makes him feel sick every time it happens. yet it has happened on more than one occasion, after we said it wouldn't happen again. so things came to a head last night. i went over to his house and we were hanging out, he basically told me i needed to go home and it made me mad, and we had a big talk about it today. he is now gung ho about me working on my marriage and going to marriage counseling. he says i made a commitment to my family (which i don't disagree with, i just find it ironic that he's lecturing me about "honoring my vows" considering i have been cheating on my husband with him.) i may not have been having sex with him, but my husband would definitely consider what has happened thus far as cheating. now i don't know what to do. i know what i should have done over 5 years ago when his brother and i broke up, and that's that i should have walked away from him and never looked back. i loved him, he couldn't love me, i should have gotten away from him. instead, my husband was there, we were best friends, and he could give me everything i was wanting at that time. love, commitment, stability. i began to love him for who he is, which is a wonderful, caring person. someone any woman would be lucky to have. sure, we have our differences, but who doesn't? i'm just not in love with him, i don't want to have sex with him, and at this point i am doing everything i can to avoid him. i find reasons to leave my house and stay away from it. when we are out together i don't want to be there. i want to be with this other man. BIL came over today and we had big talk. he said we can't sleep together because it would have detrimental effects on both of our lives. he thinks i should get marriage counseling (i've already been seeing a therapist on my own for several weeks now) and see if my husband and i can't come to a solution. i basically see no solution if i'm not in love with him and i don't feel attracted to him. my therapist said that is one thing i can't fix, no matter how hard i try. so now i'm stuck, loving this other person that i know i've loved this entire time, while married to his f-ing BROTHER. that just makes this that much worse. so, what do i do now? i can't avoid BIL forever, because he's family. i don't want to crush my husband because i care for him very much and can't bear to do that to him, even though what i've been doing behind his back is probably worse. and BIL and i had a great friendship before this whole mess, one that can probably never be salvaged. i just want to get on a plane and leave, but i can't. i have two young children (yep, that adds to the mix, doesn't it?) i am feeling completely alone and desperate. my husband wants to be with me, is doing everything he can to make this ok. i have told him i'm not happy. he knows about my therapy. he is scared to death that i'm going to leave him. i love another man, one i've loved since day one and he won't ever love me back because for whatever reason he can't. so help me. please.

i see what you mean about "mental" and "emotional" affair. i was using the terms interchangeably, but i see the difference now that you point it out. yes, emotional affair, indeed. but, dear brother-in-law will always be around, probably no matter what happens. he has a very close relationship with my kids. we live down the street from each other, he comes by nearly every day to see them. so i can't avoid him. this is all so frustrating.

Husband and I finally had a heart-to-heart last night, and I told him I wasn't happy, that I hadn't been in a long time, probably going back to 2004 when I was pregnant with our son. He asked me if I was willing to seek counseling, and I told him I was. He has pretty much stated that divorce is not an option and we have to make this work. I told him that if we went to counseling and we couldn't work this out, divorce would be an option because I'm not going to stay married to him if we're not happy. In the long run it would make us and our kids miserable. He, of course, is very upset and feels blindsided by the whole thing, but I knew I would have to talk to him eventually. I couldn't just go on like this and deal with this by myself. I did not tell him about the situation with his brother and I have absolutely no intention of doing so, ever. i agree, there was definitely a mental affair going on there, but the truth is is that it wasn't physical, thereforeeee no reason for me to bring it up. That would complicate things in his whole family, because eventually his parents would get involved, and the last thing I need is his mother coming down on me, too. I don't know that counseling will help, but I don't want to end this without being able to say that I tried. I just don't see how passion can be brought back when it's gone. how does that work?

I said we were "encouraged" by our friends to date each other, meaning we had the idea and thought about pursuing it, but we weren't positive how things would go with his brother. We didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable or unhappy. But, things worked out and no one's feelings got hurt. I married my husband because he is a wonderful person. Like I said, we were best friends and it turned in to something more. But, I feel now that the passionate feelings I once had for him have faded and the "best friend" feelings remain. I don't want to hurt him, but I can't stay in a marriage for the rest of my life to someone I view as a friend only. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me. I think the whole incident with my brother-in-law was just a wake-up call to alert me to the problems in my marriage.

OK, this is will be complicated and hard for some to understand, so I will try to make as much sense out of it as I can. Before my husband and I even started dating, I dated his brother. Well, sort of dated. It started out as a purely sexual relationship, but it went on to last for over 2 years. The sex was amazing, something I had never experienced with any other man before or since. But he couldn't commit and it ended. While that relationship was going on, his brother (now my husband) and I became good friends. Best friends. After encouragement from a lot of our friends, we started dating. Oddly enough, this did not cause any strain between the two of them, so our relationship went on to grow and we ended up getting married after almost 3 years together. We've now been married for 2 1/2 years and have an 18-month-old son. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship who's 8, and my husband adopted her. My brother-in-law and I have remained good friends, and our relationship kind of took on a brother/sister type dynamic. My husband is fully aware of the past his brother and I have, but has had no problem with us being friends. Nothing inappropriate had ever happened between us, until a few weeks ago. I think it is safe to say that I have not been completely happy in my marriage for a long time. I never ever want to have sex, and when I do it feels like a chore, something I do out of obligation. We bicker and argue and resent each other for lots of things. But he's still a good husband and father. He's always here, he works hard, and he's not abusive or unfaithful to me. But I just don't feel any passionate feelings toward him. Back to the inappropriateness w/my brother-in-law. We were out of town, and we went out with some friends. I had too much to drink, and we ended up sleeping in the same bed together. We didn't have sex, didn't even kiss. I was fully clothed in a t-shirt and sweatpants the entire time. Basically, we talked about old times, how fantastic our sex life was. We talked about fantasies and he ended up masturbating while in bed with me. I did not do it for him. We had a long discussion about it the next day, and determined it was completely inappropriate and couldn't ever happen again. We talked about my marriage and my lack of happiness with it, and a bunch of other stuff. But, we found ourselves in the same situation 2 more times over the next couple of days, although I wasn't drunk those times. I was fully aware of what I was doing and didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. I wanted it to go further, but it didn't. And as soon as we got back, it was over. We've only spoken of it once. However, now I can't stop thinking about my brother-in-law. We've been hanging out, just like we did before, but now all I think about is having sex with him and it's making me crazy. But I can't put the brakes on being around him completely because then my husband will know something is up. So I basically have two problems. I don't know if I want to be married anymore (which is something I had been contemplating long before this other stuff happened) and I want to have sex with my brother-in-law all the time. I'm not thinking I can leave my husband and live happily ever after with his brother, because it would never be that way, and I know that. I'm wondering if I should seek counseling and try to make my marriage work, or move on and be a happy person. I don't believe in staying married for the sake of the kids. My parents did that, and it made me miserable during my entire childhood. So, lay it on me. I can take it. That's why I'm seeking the advice of strangers. I can't talk to ANYONE I know about this.