Our Dreams Differ...is this destructive?

[heavensent]

My husband has been acting very weird lately. He was saying something the other day about how he wants it all...he wants the huge mansion and the houses in all sorts of places, 2 boats, a ton of toys and everything. When he said that I just said "Yeah that would be nice but I'm perfectly content with having a nice house and being financially stable." This seemed to bother him and he went on and on about how I don't dream BIG and that we have different dreams and stuff. He said how he wants to travel with his family and my job doesn't allow me to take that much time off and stuff. It really made me feel like I'm just holding him back from things he wants to do. Then he said that maybe he just wasn't ready to be tied down!! He wasn't trying to break up but what he said really bothered me and makes me think that maybe he's not ready to be married.

The thing that sparked this is his dad (which by the way, we do not get along) well, his dad is making an enormous amount of money now and is well on his way to being a multi-millionaire within a few months because of this stock trading thing he is doing. He just bought a houseboat for the family which is super nice and SUPER expensive and my husband was all excited..until I told him I wasn't sure if I could get two weeks off work to go. I think he is seeing his dad buy all of these things and it's making him want to be a part of it but now he's married and living with me and he's not a kid anymore. He has two little brothers still living at home and his dad has already taken them to Paris and Florida on family vacations that my husband and I didn't go on. I think he feels left out. I really don't want him to pull away from me or decide he wants out of this marriage because he thinks he is missing out. I mean, sure I could let him go on some vacations without me but with how much his family is wanting to travel he would be gone almost 3 weeks out of every month and so what kind of marriage would that be if we were never with each other??? We can't afford for me to quit my job and he works for his dad so it wouldn't make a difference for him to miss work because his dad would pay him anyway.

What do you think I should do???

[RayKay]

This is a tough one. It's alright to have different dreams when it comes to certain things, it's even healthy, but it's about how those dreams may impact one another & the relationship.

 

I would be concerned in some degree about the differences in your financial goals/habits, I am also really concerned about this:

 

Then he said that maybe he just wasn't ready to be tied down!!

 

 

Kind of something that he really should of thought of BEFORE you got married.

 

I don't know, in some respects it does sound like maybe he was not prepared for the reality of marriage (I also know you two got married pretty early in the relationship so maybe some of the realities of the relationship are coming out).

 

Have you gone to pre-marital/marital counselling? Might be a good idea.

[Ash]

Some aspects of this really concern. On the one hand, it's great to have dreams of all the great things you'll have but I'm rather worried he seems to think he can get there without actually doing any work. You speak a lot of days off, family vacations, huge gifts, three weeks out of a month away from home while you work at a comparatively low paying job. Something doesn't add up in my mind. You husband will appreciate wealth far more if he has to work for it, and they generally takes many years.

 

Money (despite the fact it is essentially being offered with very few strings attached as it would seem) should not affect how he thinks about you, and where the future lies for the two of you and perhaps your not yet conceived family. The fact he talks about not wanting to break up is part of that same concern. It's not called breaking up when you're married, it's called divorce. It's never to be taken lightly and to even hint at it at such an early stage in your life together is rather alarming.

 

I would recommend that now is the time to perhaps think about counselling with him. Don't present it necessarily as marriage counselling when you talk to your husband. Perhaps instead take the viewpoint that he appears to be unsettled due to his father's currently fairly high wealth and you want to be able to sit down and talk through all the associated issues before it drives a wedge between the two of you.

 

You're just starting out in your life together, and you need to be seeking a common goal if you're going to remain happy and together.

[busterkeaton]

Perhaps you work too much. You have a job where you can't take 2 weeks off? That's horrible! Your partner wants to go on vacation with you, you should gp, enjoy your life!

Nobody on their deathbed ever wishes they spent more time at work ....

[NJRon]

Maybe he should actually make the money *first* before worrying about how to spend it. Once he has that kind of money, *then* you can figure out how your life is, or is not, rearranged.

[RayKay]

Depending on your job, it can be hard to leave on short notice, at certain times of the year, or as much as this guy seems to want to go on vacation.

 

It's not unusual to have to book ahead of time, for example, in most jobs to ensure staffing needs will be met. Generally you also have only so many vacation days a year! I know they just had a honeymoon, so I imagine some days were used up....

 

You can love your job, and your life, and still not be able to take vacations on every whim!

 

I think the problem is larger then her not being able to take a couple weeks off on a whim.

[PocoDiablo]

he went on and on about how I don't dream BIG

You should count yourself lucky. Most guys want to sit on the couch, drink beer, watch sports, and get fat. Here you have a husband who wants MORE, more for you, more for your family, and more out of life.

 

And ... wtih all due respect ... you shot him down?

 

We can't afford for me to quit my job and he works for his dad so it wouldn't make a difference for him to miss work because his dad would pay him anyway.

You're missing the big picture here. If he makes more money, you WILL be able to afford to take time off work.

 

You know, this kills me. You need to work WITH him. You're afraid of losing him but your shooting him down is more likely going to drive him away than anything else.

 

Sit down with him. AGREE with him. Tell him to go for it BUT he has to be smart. He has to get a plan, a budget, he needs to allow you to plan for time off. All the bills have to be paid. He can buy *nothing* on credit (cash and carry ONLY), and basically help him make a plan for success.

 

I would say 99% of guys are there are lazy slobs. It sounds like you've got a motivated powerhouse. Help him achieve those goals and it'll come back to you tenfold in his love for you.

[PocoDiablo]

I think the problem is larger then her not being able to take a couple weeks off on a whim.

I agree. There is something much bigger than is not being shared.

[heavensent]

I think he just saw how great his dad is living and he wants to be a part of it. He is such an ambitious guy and when I met him he was raking in all sorts of money on his own business at only 20 years old. When we moved out we had a ton of internet problems where we couldn't get high-speed internet at our house and so he didn't have a way to work for 3 months, he ended up losing a bunch of clients and instead of having his own business he is working under his dad (who also owns his own business) I almost feel as if he blames me because we moved out and ever since he has had a hard time building something back up. He still brings in good money but he doesn't want to be paid by his dad...he wants his own company again. I have been nothing but supportive about this so I guess I don't understand why he would act like I just want him to be some 9-5er. All I want to do is help him make his dreams come true...even if they weren't MY dreams before, they are mine now because they are his. How can I make him understand that I will do everything in my power to help his succeed and help him get everything and more that he is capable of....

[heavensent]

I might add...he has always wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter so today I called and booked him a helicopter ride for tomorrow after work...they are going to take him up and even let him fly it himself...it's a surprise so he doesn't know about it. I also got a card that says "Just a small part of helping your dreams come true...I love you"

[Süsser Tod]

Kind of something that he really should of thought of BEFORE you got married.

 

 

That is why I've never thought that getting married so young, with so little real life experience, is a good idea. I'm 27, and eventhough I've met a great girl that I can see myself spending my life with, I still think I'm missing a lot of what is out there before getting married.

 

Though, if things go well, I might end up letting them go for her.

[heavensent]

Yeah, but I guess I don't understand why we can't make all of those memories together and experience all of those things together. It's not like we have children. Why the heck would he have to be single to do things that he wants..it's not like none of them include women, ya know? I think he just feels like I don't WANT to do those things, but I do...I've just been raised to be more traditional and rational thinker than to just think I will be rich, he has a different mind-set than me but I think that we more balance each other out than anything.

[Süsser Tod]

Yeah, but I guess I don't understand why we can't make all of those memories together and experience all of those things together. It's not like we have children. Why the heck would he have to be single to do things that he wants..it's not like none of them include women, ya know? I think he just feels like I don't WANT to do those things, but I do...I've just been raised to be more traditional and rational thinker than to just think I will be rich, he has a different mind-set than me but I think that we more balance each other out than anything.

 

There are TONS of things I wouldnt' dare to do if I had someone to come home to, and none of them include other women.

 

Just one example, overworking. You know how consuming that is? If you are alone you can give that 100 + 10% on your work, not that easy if you have a relationship.

 

I can grab my backpack today, go buy an airplane ticket and go backpacking all over europe, on my way back I'll figure out how to make ends meet.

 

Just silly examples of things that do not involve another woman, that can't be done that easily if you are involved on a long term relationship.

 

Just another example. I really wasn't in love with my ex. And back then I never had aferthoughts about racing on my bike. Now, with my girlfriend I'm having a really hard time even trying to think about doing it. Heck, I've even thought about quit riding just because of her. And the fact is, she loves that I ride motorcycles, I'm just afraid of not being there for her, so its not like she has asked me to stop riding.

[PocoDiablo]

I think he just saw how great his dad is living and he wants to be a part of it. He is such an ambitious guy and when I met him he was raking in all sorts of money on his own business at only 20 years old.

Awesome. You should support that, for sure.

 

When we moved out we had a ton of internet problems where we couldn't get high-speed internet at our house and so he didn't have a way to work for 3 months

Now this is HIS problem. If he's going to run a business, he needs to understand that he could have gotten a cellular modem, satellite modem, or rented an office with a network connection, or whatever. Trust me, there are 20 options when it comes to networks. This was weak of him to bring up. You should :splat: him. (Nicely!)

 

he ended up losing a bunch of clients and instead of having his own business he is working under his dad (who also owns his own business) I almost feel as if he blames me because we moved out and ever since he has had a hard time building something back up. He still brings in good money but he doesn't want to be paid by his dad...he wants his own company again. I have been nothing but supportive about this so I guess I don't understand why he would act like I just want him to be some 9-5er.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a real talk with him, then.

 

All I want to do is help him make his dreams come true...even if they weren't MY dreams before, they are mine now because they are his. How can I make him understand that I will do everything in my power to help his succeed and help him get everything and more that he is capable of....

Honestly? Go pick up the book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad." It's a good book to help you understand his mind set, but some of the advice can be questionable legally (so don't go trying anything they say.) Once you've read that, you may have a better understanding.

[amtjrtcet]

Pico is right.....If you want to show him you support his dreams & that you're not trying to hold him back, then do just that. When he tells you about these dreams and goals of his, don't respond with anything negative, even if its just you trying to be more realistic-it'll come accross to him as you just shooting him down. Be supportive, be positive. He wants a better life for the both of you and there is nothing wrong with that.