Ex-Girlfriend seriously ruining my life...

[zsfleischer13]

Hi everyone, this is my first time on e-notalone but I've been visiting these forums often for the past few weeks. As many others here, I am having my own issues recovering from a break-up so I'll try and make my story as brief as possible.

 

 

Me and my girlfriend had been dating for about a year when I went off to college last september (she is currently a senior about to graduate from highschool). We were extremely close to eachother and would see eachother almost every single day. Not only was she my girlfriend, I considered her one of my best friends. The initial shock of separation was tough on the both of us but we soon had success adjusting to not being able to see eachother everyday. 3 weeks after arriving at school I made the mistake of coming home to surprise my girlfriend because I knew that she had some issues going on at home and I thought I would be able to help her out. (Our close friend's father was about to pass away due to stomach cancer.) Upon coming home it seemed as if everything was pretty good, it was a little strange at first seeing her but nothing you wouldnt expect and I felt as if things were good considering the grim circumstances of the weekend. We discussed our relationship and were in agreement that things were going fine but that it was still tough being away from eachother.

 

About 3 weeks later my college had fall break so I went home again. Over the three week period in between I had noticed that my girlfriend was not calling me as much as time went by and that she seemed a bit distant and tired on the phone at times. I suspected the new school year was taking its toll on her. I asked her many times if she was alright and if she was feeling okay at home and everytime she would respond that she loved senior year and that things were going great. I still had my doubts. The week before I was about to come home she contacted me maybe once and was very confrontational on the phone for no reason (she had been getting more and more confrontational as time went by). The night I finally arrived home she was also returning from a trip visiting a college. She texted me and said she was about to come home and asked if I wanted to see her that night. I of course said yes and hurried over there. When I was there that night we were laying on her bed and she seemed resistent to getting "too close" to me. She wouldnt give me anything more than a peck on the cheek or lips and we did not truly have an intimate kiss. After that night I was extremely worried. The next day we spent time together watching my old band play at a competition and she continued to act distant there. That night we went out to dinner and then to a quiet place where we could talk and she dumped me... I was completely devestated.

 

Her rationale for the breakup was that she had "trouble missing me," and that her feelings sort of faded. Basically she claimed she fell out of love. I had trouble believing this whole explanation due to the fact that it had only been 6 weeks since I left for school and for the first 3 she was extremely upset that I had left. I asked how it was possible for one to fall out of love so quickly if they really were truly in love to begin with. She responded that she was truly in love with me but that she didn't exactly know what happened. In addition to this she was acting extremely cold and saying some pretty terrible things to me. It was clear she was not upset about the break up at all and she even admitted that she wasnt upset about it. The whole thing hit me like a freight train, I could not get over how cold and heartless she acted towards me. It was like my ex had turned into a completely different person. She insisted that she didn't leave me for another guy and I believed her. There were no other guys really for her to leave me for.

 

While I had been away, my ex and my best friend had been getting closer and closer. I naturally expected this since they were good friends to begin with and I was happy to know that she had someone to comfort her keep her company though my absense. Of course I trusted him, and I knew that he had a girlfriend who I was very good friends with. He kept faithful to her while they were going through a break and in that period of time after I broke up with my ex, and he was going through the break with his gf, some words were exchanged. I found out months later that my ex girlfriend had been flirting alot with my best friend (which i knew about but had to accept) and that she had apparently proposed that if they were to "hook up," she wouldn't tell anyone. This obviously infuriated me that she was already considering hooking up with my BEST FRIEND not even an entire month after we had broken up. Luckily he resisted her and has been from november until today.

 

Fast forwarding to the present: My best friend and his girlfriend are having major difficulties at the moment. She is not satisfying him physically and he thinks he is losing interest in her. To make matters worse, he admitted to me that he was attracted to my ex and says he has been feeling "obligated" to try hooking up with her because he feels as if he may now have feelings for her. Despite how much I am horrified by this news I held my tongue and attempted to be as objective about it as possible. It seems as if she has slowly but surely been able to win him over.

 

What I can't understand is why of people is she going after him? Is it because he is the most "convenient" guy for her because they are very good friends or is it to get revenge on me??? I never did anything wrong to hurt her. Also, why isn't he recognizing that its wrong to go after one's ex??? Sometimes he can be naive about these things and I'm nervous to talk to him because I don't want to make our friendship awkward or get in a fight with him. To me, it's worth watching them hook up or date because in my mind if me and him were to stop being friends, she will have won and pretty much ruined my life for good. It was hard enough losing her to begin with. Unfortunately, I am not nearly over this girl and think I may still be in love with her despite it being 7 months since we broke up so I am taking this all very hard. I really want to tell my best friend how I feel but theres a chance he may tell my ex and that it may make our frienship awkward. I honestly can say I'll have a reason to hate her if they end up together... I just don't know what to do. Should I interfere and tell him how I feel? Should I tell my ex I still love her? I just dont know...

[akatoro]

Yo!

Here's my outside look of things.

From what you have described it would seem that your friend is interested in knowing your opinion. He's telling you that he's interested in your ex and thereforeee it would seem that he is also considering your opinion to be a valuable one. The term "friendship" does guarantee a lifetime of happiness. A friend is someone who brings you down to the ground, who consoles you, asks for your advice and carries you out of the trenches. "Fights make you stronger" does not solely belong to relationships and boxing, it also adheres to the principals of friendship.

 

Concerning your ex.

Has she called you to check up on you, do you meet regularly?

Where do the two of you stand right now?

I'd like more information since it was a while back from break-up.

[zsfleischer13]

Hey akatoro,

 

Thanks alot for the reply.

 

Concerning my friend: This may be true. I owe it to him to trust that he will be able to handle the news that I still have feelings for her. I will certainly consider talking to him about it

 

As for my ex: She has never once called me since we broke up. We do not meet regulary because she lives about 3 hours away from me in my hometown while I am at college. When I am home, we hang out occasionally in the same group of friends. From October - January, we would talk once a week (strictly small-talk). After a new years party in which we both got drunk and she made a pass at me and I resisted, we have not once conversed online or on the phone. The only time we have spoken have been brief moments in person asking how eachother have been. So right now I would say we are not even friends, we just share the same group of friends. It's a bit awkward when we are hanging out in the same group as well..

 

Thanks again.

[heloladies21]

Dude, your friend owes you the respect of not bein all up on your ex. But you can't be mad at him if you don't let him know how you feel. If he's your true friend, he'll back off. Tell him to give her the excuse that he just doesn't feel right about it and that way your ex won't know anything. But watching them in a relationship will tear apart you and your friend for sure.

[akatoro]

I agree with heloladies21 to some extent.

It would be hard to watch your friend and ex together. A pain that you right now might not understand. But even so, you have to lie down and search the depths of your heart to see what you really feel about this girl. What is she worth? A million, I'm sure. But what are you worth? Even more, I'd say. You have to look after your own needs and you have to experience life as a single. There's much to offer, I'm sure. Strive to perfect yourself, seek to learn more about your environment. When you are the man you want to be the world will be at your feet.

 

Let's ponder the subject about your friend and your ex, then...

While it would be hard to see them together, they both deserve happiness. I'm not asking you to be inhuman and see the happiness it brings them. It will be tough on you but at the same time, it might encourage you to find new goals and further develop You. Take whatever comes to pass with you, let it be your teacher - learn from it, and strive to become a better man.

 

I am sorry that I cannot be of much help but perhaps an answer to your doubts and fears is better than nothing.

I wish you all well. Respectfully /

Akatoro.

[AwdreeHpburn]

zsf - welcome to ena - glad you decided to post.

 

In my opinion, this is a tough call. I think maybe you should forget the girl. Not a very classy thing to do to go after a friend of yours while you're away at university. But at the same time, you should tell your friend how you would feel if he were to date your ex.

 

Then leave it be. Unfortunately if you're not there, you can't stop it. I say, tell your friend how you feel...about him dating her and how you feel about her. Maybe if he knows you're not fully over the break up, he won't date her out of respect.

 

Sorry this happened.

[zsfleischer13]

Akatoro- you have definitely gave me some good insight. Over the past months I've been busying myself with my school and I've been working out and overall, have been very happy with the improvements I have been seeing in myself both physically and academically. Still though, I can't help but think about her. I know she doesn't deserve the time of day from me but still I can't help it. I'm dreading coming back for the summer to see them together. I took this girl's virginity and I was her first love, though she was not mine. Still I feel a strong attachment to her. Just the thought of her taking my BEST FRIEND's virginity and spending prom weekend with him just like I did with her last year just kills me inside. Those were moments I always thought would be exclusive to me and her, and to think that they would be duplicated with my best friend... well i dont even have the words to describe how they would feel...

 

I am my entirely honorable to my best friend and I would seriously take a bullet for him and thereforeeee if it was best for him, and it would make him happy, I would tolerate him with my ex just for his sake. I know I would eventually get over it. However, the intent by both parties does not seem to be emotional at all, just purely physical... I could be wrong though.

 

I have been with a few girls since her, nothing has come from any of them and I even find myself reluctant to take risks because I feel these new people will never live up to my ex... I know it's just a matter of time. But for now, I will be having to deal with this situation..

[zsfleischer13]

Thank you ta_ree and helloladies, I will definitely ponder over both of your suggestions. I really appreciate it.

[akatoro]

I am glad that you would risk so much for your pals health. Never mind "opposited attract", I believe that similarities cling together. What about you? You and your friend has more in common than you'd think, I'd bet. I'm sure he's not out for your ex's body. Surely you think more of him, no? =).

 

If you excuse me, I have to get a bit personal now. I've been with a few girls myself, both loved and some one-nighters. I can promise you that one never takes the place of the other. The ones you love will always have a place in your heart - be sure never to cast them out whatever they did! You grow with them (However tacky this might sound, you grow spiritually. This is atleast my own idea) and you grow without them, emotionally. As I wrote earlier, you need to think about you and what you want, stand up and fight to become Him and then Get what you want, strive to keep the future happiness. With your newly learned talents you are much more likely to succeed.

 

You say you were the first man this girl came to know intimately. I understand that there is a deep bond between the two of you eventhough she might not yet have realised it. It does not necessarily mean that you two are destined for eachother though.. Cherish what has passed and love what will come. Love is free, so are you.

 

 

 

Sit, think, learn, act, learn.

Life's your teacher, not some old man or woman infront of a blackboard .

 

--- I am sorry if I am not making much sense but it is late here in the night and I'm afraid that English is only my second language.