How do you know if your marriage is over?

[Hope75]

DN has been a big advocate on here in the past for women who have been abused, myself included. I think you are seriously twisting around what he said, because he is not agreeing with you that you are 100% the victim of a bad marriage, but also a played a part in it's failure.

 

no hope and dn, you think that my husband wont hit me now. Oh yeah a person who can do all the above willl just sit idly by and not do a dang thing.

 

I don't recall that either of us said any such thing.

 

If you are truly in fear for your safety- it's time to call the police and get out of that house.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

No he just keeps pointing out its my fault i got in this situation. Rather or not if bob and i get back together has nothing to do with is this marriage ending. Because either way it is not going to be easy to tell my husband the truth let alone anything else.

 

As to his wanting to cuddle or not, its a point taken that he obviously is pushing me away. I at this point have got to the point I do not care. I at least know I have tried to see if theres anything worth salvaging. When obviously there isn't. At least now if i do leave him its not going to be a matter did I not at least try to see if theres something to work out, or is our marriage beyond that point.

[Hope75]

What I don't understand is that you have repeatedly stated that you are afraid of your husband and his reaction to the fact that you cheated and bore a child that may or may not be his, and yet you stay with him.

 

So on one hand you ask why he doesn't want to cuddle and what can be done to fix it-

 

Next you say he is abusive and you are afraid, which is why you have not told him of the affair and possible paternity.

 

You did not address the question of why after not touching you for 3 months and you end up pregnant your husband did not question the paternity- I'm assuming he knows how conception takes place.

 

Lastly you are pursuing another man who is in jail (and not likely for the reasons you believe)- a totally separate issue from your marriage.

Why pursue him when you are still married?

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

Hope and i dont understand how you can just get stuck on the fact my friend who is also the father of my child made a mistake. I notice you didnt reply to my post about dropping a friend whos in prison. But keep bringing it up. I do not know what the future holds for me nor bob. Nor for me or my husband, I know I want to do the right thing and fix this whole mess and I am trying to by taking it one day at a time.

[Hope75]

I keep bringing it up because it is not for certain that this friend of yours is the father of your son- and yet you seem unwilling to get the paternity test done to confirm. This is a very serious issue- your son has believed his entire life that your husband is his father, it would seem to me that it's pretty flippant based on looks and a one night stand to assume he is not.

 

The reason I keep asking why it is that your husband has never questioned his paternity if he never touched you during the time that you conceived and for a time before that and after it, is that to me it seems pretty obvious if you ended up pregnant when your husband was nowhere near you sexually, he'd probably notice and ask you how this happened, especially since he supposedly wasn't sleeping with you at this time. Since you have ignored that question, it makes ME question the validity of your claim, which further reinforces why you should get a paternity test before potentially ruining your son's life.

 

As far as Bob making a mistake, that's not really the issue, is it? The fact is that you are MARRIED, had an affair with Bob and are now pursuing Bob, despite the fact that you are STILL MARRIED. You then use the defense that the marriage is over- so why are you still with your husband? Why not leave him, file for divorce, and THEN pursue Bob?

 

Bob is in jail, and you claim it's for a weapon charge and that he was an officer. That isn't possible- I noticed that in response to DiggetyDog's question about this on your other thread that you acknowledged that this was likely true. You also stated that if Bob had done something more serious, you'd question pursuing him- in all honesty you don't know why Bob is in jail- would that be correct?

 

DD said:

 

You don't get put in prison for a first offense of carrying a concealed weapon. You might get fined, have to do community service, you might even spend a couple nights at the jail, but you don't get thrown into prison. There is more to this story. My entire family is in Law Enforcement. Something here isn't right.

 

and you said:

 

I totally agree that it doesnt sound right. I hope bob explains when he gets in touch with me. But im not going to hold my breath. I have never expected him to answer to me for anything and im not going to start now.

 

You than keep attacking DN and saying he says it's all your fault. He never said or implied any such statement. What seems to be happening here is that you are playing the victim of abuse when it's convenient to justify your affair and lying to your husband, but then when someone else points out your affair and deception and continued deception by pursuing Bob now, you get angry and defensive and twist things all around.

[agent1607307371]

Deleted.

 

You need to get paternity.

 

And you need to sit down with your husband and really truly talk things out, starting with the events of 13 years ago.

 

You need to stop appropriating blame here, neither of you have been perfect.

 

And you need to decide if you don't care anymore or if you want to work on it. Then act accordingly.

 

 

You can do worse than listen to DN he's got some good handles on things, and if you come to a messageboard filled with strangers you can't complain when the advice isn't what you want to hear.

[tylercdurden2004]

Dazed,

 

I think there is a MUCH bigger problem here and I am going to point out a few things. First off the obvious: You do not take responsibility for your actions. Reading through your posts you are very quick to make excuses as to why you acted in certain ways.

 

Second you seem to be confused by what you have control over (as evidenced by your name) and I was actually gonna call you on it when I saw it first. But I didnt and it my bad. You titled a post "Help Destiny is Confusing Me" and then proceed to ask for help. If you truly believe in destiny then you would not ask questions because by believeing in destiny you cannot believe in "free will" that is, the ability to make decisions. If you believe in destiny then it doesnt matter what decisions you make because destiny has a plan for you that you cannot change. The point is you are very very quick to make any bad decision you make (getting pregnant by another man while married) as being "destiny". Why not just say your husbands bad decision to hit you was destiny?

 

Is this an example of what you mean by destiny?

 

I met my husband about that time and when he asked me to marry him 3 months after we met i said yes. Though I told bob that i was getting married I hoped the whole time before we left to get ready for our wedding he would wake up and realize what he had before it was to late.

 

Well if it is guess destiny would have seen you through and Bob would have said yes. But he didnt. Did you use your husband to get back at Bob? Of course not "destiny" did.

 

I have honestly never met someone with such a lack of personal responsibility. I can only feel sorry for your kids who I hope have or will one day learn some personal responsibility. This concerns me deeply.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

Number one who said i wasnt willing to get a paternity test done to prove it. Number 2 Im done here about this whole damn subject since all you want to do is jump me I hope your never in this position.

 

I didnt set out to get pregnant I was on the pill and we used another method. Number 2 dont judge me unless you can say you have been in this postion before and know where im coming from. Hipocritical people is what it comes down to. You all think your beter then the next when your not.

[RandomAdvisor]

I think it's very disconcerting to those of us here who honestly would like to offer help and advice to find out that very relevant pieces of information have been left out...your problem is way more complex than just your husband is not sexually interested in you anymore...

 

...Then those that offer logical, well-thought out advice are attacked?

 

You may not like what someone has to say but it doesn't make it less true.

 

 

petlady summed things up pretty nicely.

 

dazed,

 

I think you should reread this thread later on when you are more calm. No one ever suggested you were responsible for all the problems. It was only suggested that your husband isn't solely to blame, and that your actions have played a part in the problems as well. As soon as that was said you got very defensive.

[avman]

This thread now locked