Emotional infidelity/sexual obsession?

[gigi123]

It was just revealed to me after 24 years that my husband was sexually obsessed with a woman at work. For 5 years he had daily fantasies about her. She was married and had an interest in him also. He pictured her in bed with him, Screwing her in the shower. looked at her body at work, wanted to have sex with her but didn't have the nerve.

 

He says that during the first three years the only things that acutually occurred between them were a few extra minutes after meetings where she flattered his knowledge. In no other way was this attraction manifested. I find this hard to believe. No lunches, dinners, drinks, ........says he was never alone with her. After three years there was an office Christmas party. Too much to drink and she followed him out. They got in her car and went to a private spot. He admitted wanting sex but after touching her he stopped and said it was wrong.

The next week she proposed an affair. He said, "No, I am flattered but married" translate: I wish I could, but I can't. Nothing more for a year (same denials - only work related) then another "innocent Christmas Party" this took place 6 months after our son died. I cannot understand why he would have gone except to have another go at her and this time accept her offer. He claims he can barely remember the party but one week later she was in the office again. "I don't know where you head's been since you child died, but would you still like to have an affair?" Claims he said "no"

 

Now - background.............During most of the "obsessive years" I was a stay at home mom with five children. This has all emerged starting in January of this year due to his being in therapy. Bit by bit............he would reveal some previous lie. The final truth told to me was to quote him: "I used you when I really wanted sex with her", "you were her stand-in" "In the dark I was with her" "I wasn't about to have sex with her so I pretended you were her instead".

Our lovemaking at that time changed. Became more graphic and rough. As though, when I now reflect, he was speaking to her.

 

My probelm is so layered. Feelings of such betrayal. The 24 year lie. continually, for the last 16 years we fought about this woman and his attraction to her. I suspected it then and he has denied it for the last 16 years. Sometimes turning on me in anger to just let it go.

 

The hardest thing for me to cope with was him using my body. I feel like he raped me without my knowledge. How could I have been so stupid?

I feel like I was worthless to him. Rejected at the basic level. Sexually.

I am obsessed with getting all the details from him now. I feel l want to know how he pretended? What did he think? Did he feel any guilt over using me? He is pretty vague. There are still large gaps in the story. How was this sexuall atraction manifested in the office. Not even a personal conversation for 5 years - yet he had a obsession of this magnitude? Only one sexual encounter and he rejected her after imagining it for three years? This seems unlikely.

 

I am stuck because he seems to have a very hollow memory of that time. I believe he is still keeping secrets. I can't heal and trust again if I don't know my past. I feel like he stole 24 years of my life. I had two more children during that time, moved three times, made major life decisions with this man. And during those five years................he pretended I was someone else in bed. How do I cope with these feelings?

[PerfectNobody]

This is amazingly complicated. I know how you feel when you says 24 years of your life may have been wasted. My parents have had a similar argument. What you need to do is stop being sympathetic with him and seriously tell him exactly what is on your mind. Everything you say to us here should go to him as well. Because if he doesnt understand, tomorrow night in bed he may be seeing her again. He's already messed with your feelings, so take that hurt and turn it into demand for answers. You deserve every single one. You would have no reason to feel bad about overly pushy because your husband has been cheating and lying. it's harsh but true. So be harsh and true back.

[evy38]

Wow, why did he even tell you this? If he wasn't cheating then what was going on in his head should have stayed in his head. It seems you suspect that he was actually having sex with her, at least on the two Christmas party drives. I think the chances are good that you're right. It sounds like he's giving you the truth in layers. Who knows where it will end. I think you need a professional to talk to about this, alone, at least at first. You need to get this out to someone who may be able to help you with coping techinques. It has been going on to long to try to solve alone. Even if this marriage ends you need to deal with this.

[Cadence308]

Wow, I can only imagine how difficult this whole thing must be for you and your kids! My dad has had multiple affairs over the course of his marriage to my mom over the last 29 years. They have been in therapy multiple times, only to be back there because of a recent affair.

 

If there is more information and secrets that he is hiding it is only to not hurt you more. I'm sure your husband does love you. I don't understand what affairs are. I think sometimes it's about sex and other times about feeling understood in a relationship. It sounds like in your husband's case it was just about sex, as he claimed they never really had any conversations. It is possible for 2 people to be romantically interested in each other and attracted to each other without having tons of conversations. It is also very possible that your husband did not act on these feelings and attractions, as he is claiming. It all depends on what he considers physically cheating.

 

He did cheat on you emotionally by lusting after this woman for 5 years and then pretending you were her when you were having sex. You have every right to feel betrayed and raped. I would too, if I were in your situation.

 

I hope that you are going to therapy together. I also hope that in your moves these past few years that this other woman has been left behind because if she is around I would demand that your husband change jobs if I were you because she can only cause you more pain and heartache.

[Shadows Light]

He's in therapy since January? Are you also in therapy? I think you might consider therapy for yourself to deal with these revelations. And also marriage counseling to deal with the relationship.

 

Reading your post.. I'm thinking. Ok, benefit of the doubt. Maybe he DID not surcumb to his base instincts. And it was his private fantasy. And then... I think of that word. FANTASY. And how there seems to be a fine line between FANTASY and REALITY. How many of us fantasize about the unattainable??? Mel Gibson for instance, or any number of the HOLLYWOOD Hardthrobs. Or... lets say we are reading a romance novel, and the scene in it is so titilating that we cast ourselves in the role of the HEROINE and have this gorgeous HERO sweeping us off our feet.

 

The difference, I guess would be... the object of his obession is more attainable. And.. would have been willing. HAD he really refused her open invitation. My HATS off to him. He's a strong man. And... his NOW going into therapy and working out his head, shows a man who's ready to own up to his past mistakes or weaknesses. Understandably YOU are upset. Feel less than. Feel used. Not discounting your feelings over his revelations. But give the devil his due.. If he's disclosing and in therapy... and now coming clean. His mental anquish and guilt. Is burden enough.

 

You had 24 years with this man. NOT all good.. but the majority of it was. The majority of it was good. So don't throw out the baby with the dishwater. You have every right to your feelings right now. Your esteem and self-worth has taken a blow. The one thing you need to understand is it is NOT your fault. YOU did nothing wrong to cause his attentions to wonder. IT HAPPENS. WE are after all .. human beings. And are not infallable.

 

Don't torture yourself with hurtful quieries and hunting down all the answers. Its time to heal. Get yourself into therapy. And allow yourselves enough ROOM to get through this.

[gigi123]

I need to thank all of you for sending me your wonderful thoughts and advice. I am in therapy alone and had just begun joint therapy with him. I began marital therapy on one condition! That he told me the absolute truth about those 5 years. No more lies.

 

He swore that there was nothing left to tell!

 

Tonight, in the middle of a fight - another huge lie is revealed. This is what he led me to believe since March (which by the way was when he walked out on myself and our children - I told him he could return after he swore I was in possession of the full and complete truth)

well, since March I have been led to believe that after the second Christmas party (January 1988) she again pimped herself out to him. He was "horrified" (ha!) and refused her. He then broke off all but minimal contact in work. She then resigned from the company around September, 1988 - 8 months later. On the last day of her employment, he mysteriously stayed home. Every time, and there were plenty, I asked why he didn't go to work that day and he would say, "No particular reason". She even brought her venom into my home by calling to say "good bye" to him. A fact I always thought odd.

 

He denied for 16 years that he stayed home to avoid her. Now that the affair is out in the open he told me "It had been over with her for 8 months by the time she left. I had no feelings at all for her".

 

What emerged tonight was this: "Around the time she left, I began to think that this was an opportunity to have that affair with her. No one would ever find out now that she was gone from the company."

 

Another lie that hit me in the gut! Eight months AFTER he claimed to have "put her out of his mind", he was missing her and contemplated that it was now the perfect time to have that affair he had turned down twice!

I am sick to my soul as I type this. I allowed him back into our home (where our two teenagers still live and I had great concern about) I began therapy with him based on the fact that he told that I had the full truth about his feelings toward her and knew all the facts.

It is abundently clear that I can never believe any words he is likely to say to me.

The worst is ahead. We have a fractured family now because my oldest daughter has taken his side. She is married and the mother of my two joys in life - my baby granddaughters. I haven't seen them in six weeks. My heart is broken over this. My other five are trying their best to cope. And I am just so tired I want to give up. I feel empty inside. Dead. How do I deal with this pain? I believe I am married to a man who uses lies as his weapons to hurt me.

[Momene]

I had a crush on a girl at work but didn't follow it up.

[RandomAdvisor]

I believe I am married to a man who uses lies as his weapons to hurt me.

 

 

On the contrary I think it's quite possible the opposite is true. Let's assume for a second that he is basically telling the truth, that he never slept with this woman. How would telling you that he was still thinking about her make things any better? In that instance I think it was a white lie and the relationship probably would have been better off without you knowing the truth. Isn't it a good thing that he stayed home to avoid being near her?

 

I can understand how completely hurt you are by all this. I too would be devestated if I found out my longtime girlfriend had been lusting after another man, even if she hadn't done anything with him.

 

That being said, I really have to echo Shadow's light. Temptation is not a sin, and if what he says is true he was only tempted by her. We can't control who we are attracted to, but we can control what we do with that attraction. Under the circumstances, I think your husband did the best thing he could possibly do.

 

I really don't understand why he is telling you this now though. And the fact that he is telling you it, saying he's revealing the whole truth and then revealing a new bit of information later on is not helping things. When he says he is telling you the whole truth that's exactly what he should do, or it doesn't help matters with you trusting him. It just brings all the hurt back and prolongs the healing process.

 

In the end, do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? Can you forgive him?

 

I hope that you can, but I understand if you cannot.

[evy38]

I am beginning to think this isn't that complicated. Is this a deal breaker for you? If yes, time to end it. If no, time to let go of 15 years of this obsession, on both your parts, and start patching up this marriage. But, if you decide to try to fix it, you HAVE to get over this. This marriage won't survive if you can't. I'm sorry and wish you well.

[Shadows Light]

Poster...

 

I am divorced. And what I've been doing lately is much research on subjects of relationships. In search of questions like.. "what is marriage?" Where did the institution of marriage orginate. What does it mean to be married. What is LOVE???

 

Excellent Website I found recently..

 

link removed

 

Tonzs of good articles... but scroll down to the bottom to articles entitled, "The True Nature of Love"

 

There are 5 articles that talk about WHAT LOVE IS NOT? Which I identified imediately with. Because its easier to say what we DON'T want/like.. .than identifying what we do want/like...

 

 

Love is not:

Critical Shaming Abusive Controlling Manipulative Demeaning Humiliating Separating Discounting Diminishing Belittling Negative TraumaticPainful most of the time etc.

 

 

I also started looking for books on what is "attraction" and how does that work. Found a good book. Its a little heavy of a read.. but I'm glad I stuck with it...The myth of monogamy : fidelity and infidelity in animals and people / David P. Barash, Judith Eve Lipton.

 

This book helped me understand attraction a bit better and how chemistry works. How our brains are wired a bit differently.

 

The four agreements [sound recording] : [a practical guide to personal freedom] / Don Miguel Ruiz.

 

Also a great book.. helped me tie it together. And learn not to take it personally.

 

Fantasizing and thinking about other people. Who may be attainable or unattainable is a very normal thing that I believe many people engage in. In some shape, way or form. The single most distinquising factor that sets us appart from the animal kingdom is our ability to reason. We don't act on everyone of our instincts.

 

Have I fantasized about people that are within my realm of possibilities. Oh yeah, I have. Does it make me unfaithful. NO. Have I been approached through out my marriage by others to tempt me. AYE.. I've been tempted on many an occasion. And I declined. I didn't see these invitations as disrespectful. I saw them as a compliment. And I respectfully held my ground and passed. I reasoned with myself. I loved my husband... It wasn't in me to ACT on the invitations. Did it make me feel good. Oh yeah. whooo hooo. Its natural to want to feel good about ourselves. To get that boost or high from outside compliments. If it wasn't natural... we women would quit buying sexy garments, wearing make-up and spending so much money on beauty products the minute we get married. AND YOU KNOW.. there are CULTURES that do that. Covering their women from head to toe.. to protect them against the temptations of LUST.

 

Did I tell my husband about all of these fantasies. NO. I did not. WHY??? I didn't want him to feel bad about himself. He had nothing to feel bad about. The play-ground inside of my head was not a THREAT to him. Did I share any fantasies with him.. yeah.. vague ones. My thoughts are my thoughts.

 

People think all sorts of crazy things.. but they don't act on them. Look at books for instance. Now here is someone whose mind is running overtime with fantasy and they have a gift of prose. They have a venue to channel their fantasy world.

 

What prompted your husband to go into counseling or to disclose at this time in his life? Is he going through a mid-life audit of his life? And he's trying to make sense of where he's been and where he's going? Disclosing to you... that he had these private thoughts, private fantasies, about someone who was... accessable at one time. Is not meant to hurt you personally. He's sharing a part of himself with you. and he can be on the level when he says... "I DID NOT CHEAT"....

 

I have a male friend, who told me how he was tempted. He had a chance to be with a woman that was way out of his league. She also threw herself at him. And he said NO. He was kicking himself. but he said.. "I LOVE MY WIFE".. and I told him, he should tell her. Share that with her. Personally... I'd take it as a compliment that number one.. he could share that with me. Number 2... he said no. Because he loved me.

 

You had many many good years with your husband. Don't judge him too harshly. Allow him his space and his autonomy. Allow him the ability to keep his thoughts to himself. If his disclosures are too painful to you.. because you take them personally. Then tell him not to share. Own that about yourself and your share of this dance.

 

 

 

[gigi123]

Hi Shadows!

Your advice is so appreciated! I will look for those books and hopefully they will be of some help. I do want to tell you that he did act on this fantasy. He worked with her for six years and he had a sexual encounter with her. Then claimed no more. Though they worked together for 2 more years and he still wanted her. She begged him to have an affair twice. He kept this to himself for the last 16 years. Only now revealing it though I questioned him about it for years and he lied to me. I am beginning to think it is time to say goodbye. He has lied about other things also. Serious things that concern our children. The trust is gone. Still have two of my six children at home. (two teens) I fear hurting my kids. Have kept this together for them this long. I feel so confused I can't think straight.

[doyathink]

gigi, did you get my pm???