he doesn't know that i am interested

[Caterina]

When I like someone, it usually becomes pretty obvious to them, without my being aware of what it is exactly that makes them know that I like them. So, I have this method that has worked in the past to protect myself...which is overcompensation. Meaning, I make my outward emotional expression VERY platonicy and very nuetral. It can only be one extreme or the other. Well, there is this guy who I am pretty sure likes me and I like him back but he never gets to the point of asking me without getting really nervous. I recently bought into the philosophy that the girl should not ask...don't want to get into it, but thats not an option for me. So...my question is ...how doyou convey interest without coming on too strong? Because I think he is not sure that I like him.

[mmmending]

you mentioned having 'bought into the philosophy that the girl should not ask'.. but ask yourself, how is this really of benefit to you - to both of you, for that matter? so often we adopt what appear to be productive strategies to go about things, but in the end, they may create more suffering than good.. a philosophy cannot love you from the inside out, nor is a philosophy a true sign of your personal dignity - it's just a construct that prescribes a way to behave, and not an accurate description of how you really feel about a person, this person..

 

you have noted that he appears to get really nervous and hasn't asked you out; perhaps, this 'philosophy' you have adopted is the mirror that reflects your own nervousness about asking.. you mention having bought into something, does this thereforeeee relieve you of having to act in a way that is true to how you really feel - let you off the hook so to speak? i recall my own feelings where i have felt this nervousness, and very often it has been a signal to me that i am afraid that my affection will not be reciprocated, and so in an effort to control the experience, and avoid an imagined and anticipated heartache, i don't act in a way that is consistent with how i truly feel, send mixed messages and so forth..

 

remember, the fact that the object of one's heart's desire may be unable to receive our love, is in no way a reflection on the worthiness of that love; simply put, they're just not ready..

 

in my view, there is no 'coming on true strong' when i, at least, am true to my feelings and act upon my higher instincts in a manner that is compassionate and kind (read: i include myself in that equation of compassion and kindness, too).. definitely, give youself some spaciousness around this - and - honour how you truly feel about him.. i hope this helps

[the yang to the worlds yin]

If you would like for him to ask you out, but he's too nervous, why not just help the guy out and ask him instead of the other way around? If you both like each other, who makes the big move isn't of much importance.

[Prenkle]

Wow. Very nicely put. The point about not being subservient to a philosophy is more true than you know. People get in the mode of being a certain way, mostly from habit, and they think they know what's best for them, when in fact, they're just afraid to realize that something may be better but are afraid because that something is new and uncomfortable. I have been guilty of this.

 

I say go for it. Don't be afraid of coming on too strong. Be afraid instead of not coming on strong enough. Passion is a good thing even if it means opening yourself up to hurt. There are just too many things persuading us to lead mediocre lives.

[Caterina]

I appreciate the insightful post...and you make some valid points, of course...but I don't think that I am going to change my mind any time soon. Your post would open up a lot of other branching topics that I am not really desiring to debate...I can only give you where I am coming from. On a practical level, this particular situation allows me to be patient...also, its only a small thing-nothing big at all so if it doesn't work, thats okay to. I have not known him a very long time. I don't feel, as you said, like risking anything unless I really know that I am doing something really really worth it. Not only that, but I want to be sure I am not rebounding...I recently went through a break-up. So mostly its the culmination of personal and practical reasons, also.