Question for the Ladies (dumpers)

[jcap01]

For any ladies out there:

 

I have a quick question. Have you been involved and in love with somebody, things got a little shaky in the relationship, met another man that you thought you were in love with, dumped your current man, started to date the other man very quickly, moved to fast with the new man then a few months later only realized you made a very big mistake and wanted your ex back? Does this happen? I've NC'd my ex that has kind of done this to me and she was very upset about me not wanting any more contact with her. I've ignored calls, texts etc in the past week but I know right now she is happy with this new man (she doesn't know him very well only a couple of months and he's from a different country - he's got more money, he's a doc etc - which i'm not but I don't think that makes up a man). I wonder why she is still calling her ex-fiancee if she's in love with this new man and doing this behind his back. Why is she contacting me when I told her 2 weeks back I can't be there for her anymore and it hurts to talk to her because I still love her so much and told her not to contact me anymore? It's in the honeymoon stage of their relationship. We were engaged for almost a year but then started having some problems...not major problems but bickering here and there. We were very serious about each other and did the long distance thing ever since we met. I went to visit her every two months and she came here if I wan't able to go there. (very long distance relationsip - from NY to British Columbia, Canada). We talked every night for a couple of hours for 2 years. Would you say that she moved on too quickly (only 1 month after we were broken up)? I wonder what will happen when things turn a little rough in her new relationship.

 

I'm a true believer that as long as you were a good man to your ex and treated her right that there is always a chance that she may come back to you...maybe these women just need to know what else is out there before really realizing nobody can compare to you.

[007]

I'm in a very similar situation, myself...I wonder how it's gonna be when things get shaky for my ex of 6 months and her new honeymoon phase BF.

 

I like to say this "Time reveals all truths..." and time will show our ex's what types of guys that the new ones are as well.

 

Who knows, J? Maybe we'll both be hearing from the ex's how they "messed up" and "made mistakes leaving us."

 

Let's hope, anyway...

[teacup]

the reason girls contact while they are with someone else is because they are confused and not sure who is right for them and are still trying to figure it out.

 

they want to find out which guy is the better one.....and may contact an ex to see how much support, love, kindness, affection, patience he offers. if they feel that they can get that from him...sometimes they rethink their decision because they are reminded of how good the guy is to them.

 

unfortunately, ur plan to shut her out.....probably just drives her straight into the arms of a man who will give her what she's looking for.

 

girls think different. remember? and as a girl....i've contacted an ex to see if he would be more caring than the current one. usually, exes are cold....and then u think.....dude, it is better im with this new guy cuz he's much sweeter to me!

 

unfortunately...i dont think men understand women.

[itsallgrand]

No, I haven't done that. I've had it happen to me tho.

The ex came back after NC saying he made a mistake.

 

You're doing right by going NC. She is obviously confused as to what she wants. I personally hate when people do this - I mean, with good reason.

It's not fair to expect 'us' to be there for them while they figure things out. If it was space asked for, like if they stated 'i need time to date other people and find out what i want', it would be kinder...at least, i feel.

 

anyways, sorry to rant. Yes, the ex could come back. Then the question would be "do you want her after what she done?"

 

best wishes

[jcap01]

I don't think I agree with what you're saying here. She knows she broke my heart and she knows i'm hurting inside, thus the reason why I told her we shouldn't talk anymore so I can move and be happy again sometime in my life. We were together for 2 years, she should know the person I am by now. Right now, if I continued to talk to her, i'd be a mess crying and it would be so hard for me. She couldn't compare her new man to a pathetic man that she know she could have anytime. Know what I mean? I think it would be too much to ask for if she wanted me to talk to her while she talks about how wonderful her new man is don't you think? It's too hard to hear about all that stuff.

[jcap01]

No, I haven't done that. I've had it happen to me tho.

The ex came back after NC saying he made a mistake.

 

You're doing right by going NC. She is obviously confused as to what she wants. I personally hate when people do this - I mean, with good reason.

It's not fair to expect 'us' to be there for them while they figure things out. If it was space asked for, like if they stated 'i need time to date other people and find out what i want', it would be kinder...at least, i feel.

 

anyways, sorry to rant. Yes, the ex could come back. Then the question would be "do you want her after what she done?"

 

best wishes

 

I don't know if I would take her back at this point. I guess I'd have to see what she had to say and she would have to do a lot more than just asking me to take her back. The night I told her I didn't want her in my life anymore and she shouldn't contact me anymore because it's too hard for me, she did say that she was going to miss me so much and that I have such a great soul that nobody else has and I'm the sweetest man. We ended the coversation on a good note, which I also think is key.

[itsallgrand]

That's great that you ended on a good note. Leaves things open for the future, if that becomes a possibility.

 

You seem to be doing really well. It's a painful spot to be in. It's like...the control is out of our hands...and we just have to live our lives and see what happens.

 

I had the same attitude as you. You never quite know what your feelings will be until it happens. In the meantime, enjoy yourself.

 

i sincerely hope things work out for you in a way that brings you happiness

[bobo85]

they want to find out which guy is the better one.....and may contact an ex to see how much support, love, kindness, affection, patience he offers. if they feel that they can get that from him...sometimes they rethink their decision because they are reminded of how good the guy is to them.

 

unfortunately...i dont think men understand women.

 

I understand what you are saying, but why the hell should someone show love, support, kindness, and affection to someone who just rips their heart out? I mean i will be civil towards my ex but i will never be treat her like before because she doesn't deserve it. She does not deserve special gf treatment. Like it was said above, yes sometimes people get confused with their emotions but they can't expect people to wait on them hand and foot. There is a difference between patience and just being waiting foolishly.

 

And for your last statement...not even women understands women. No one will ever understand women.

[jcap01]

Does anybody else have any feedback?

[bobo85]

You know, love has its way around...you lose this one, because you've been given a chance for your next significant other to find you. Just have some patience, love has its way. Your next significant other is looking for you too...give her a chance! Don't block her out by locking urself up in the cage that you had set yourself up in.

 

Thanks so much for this comment. You make breaking up a positive thing.

 

I'm sorry that your ex used you as a rebound. I've never been a rebound but i know what rejection feels like and its one of the worst things in the world. Just take your own advice. I know i will.

[zpivat]

You know, love has its way around...you lose this one, because you've been given a chance for your next significant other to find you. Just have some patience, love has its way. Your next significant other is looking for you too...give her a chance! Don't block her out by locking urself up in the cage that you had set yourself up in.

 

I second bobo85........those are some nice words indeed.......made my eyes and heart feel opened....

 

In fact I bookmarked this thread........

[jcap01]

For any ladies out there:

 

I'm a true believer that as long as you were a good man to your ex and treated her right that there is always a chance that she may come back to you...maybe these women just need to know what else is out there before really realizing nobody can compare to you.

 

Does anybody agree with me on this?

[haley999]

Re - if you were a good man then there is always hope comment. I think you need to define "good man." When I left my marriage (already interested in another man) he was floored because he thought he was a "good man." To him that meant - don't beat, don't cheat, flowers every once in a while, dinner a couple times a month and still attracted to me. Not my definition of a "good man" for ME. Not that those things aren't "good" but a lot more goes into keeping an interesting relationship then a few good deeds.

 

Some men I have dated believed that constant contact and checking up on my whereabouts was "good." I called it needy and clingy. Some thought that total disregard for my activites was giving me adequate space and was "good" - I called it being a jerk. Being at someone's beck and call and doing EVERYTHING for them is not attractive in my opinion. Those men may think that they are "good" because they care - but the women I know want an interesting man who has something to say and something to keep us a little captivated.

 

I didn't leave my husband because he was "bad," I left because I wasn't getting anything from the relationship. When I was with the new guy, I would contact my ex, but, since my feelings of love were over, I could hang with him and talk and not want anything but a friend to lean on. I assumed that because he knew that I had no more feelings, then he felt "over" as well. Indeed, when he tried to kiss me during one of our coffees I felt a little betrayed because I assumed he knew that it was over and felt that he was just being "there for me" to get me back.

 

Long and short - good is relative.

[jcap01]

Hi haley,

 

Thank you for your response...

 

I knew I was a good man and the sweetest man because she told me very frequently. Even on the day I told her I wanted no more contact with her. She says she's not in love with me right now but loves me so much and she needs me in her life. I'm still uncertain to what that means but like I said, I told her I couldn't be there for her anymore and have went strictly NC.

[jcap01]

Do you think an email I want to send to her along these lines is appropiate?

 

xxx,

 

How are you?

 

I hope you’re feeling OK and that you’re doing well. I’m sure everything is going great though because you’re a very strong little woman.

 

Sorry I haven’t called you or I seem distant when you called last week but I hope you understand that I’m this way so I can focus on me right now and better myself. The break-up with you did a number on me and of course, I need a little time to heal from the situation. You were very special to me and it was very hard to let go.

 

I was in California last weekend with a friend and I ended up going to the place where you and I first met. I even sat at the table where you and I sat. It was a nice feeling and it brought back many good memories I had with you. Memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. J Although I was upset that you were with another man so soon after getting out of a serious relationship with me, I want to tell you that I’m very happy for you and I will always hope for the best for your life. I hope xxxx continues to treat you the way you should be treated. You were the first person I have ever loved in my life so far and I have to say it was an unbelievable feeling. I’m sorry that I turned you off in so many ways…I truly wish I could take all those times back and be the man that I am today. Please say hi to your family for me. They were always so nice and pleasant to me. I miss all of you. If I ever make my way up to New York again one day, I’ll be sure to give you a call and maybe we can get together for a cup of COFFEE. Take care dearest xxx.

 

Love always,

-xxx (the little man from Canada)

[Bethany]

. Why is she contacting me when I told her 2 weeks back I can't be there for her anymore and it hurts to talk to her because I still love her so much and told her not to contact me anymore?

 

Because NC is working. Be strong and DON'T mail her anything. She doesn't need to know anything about you, she needs to know NOTHING about you. Don't send that mail.

 

She could be contacting you for a number of reasons, one could be that she is just selfishly holding onto you because she cannot bear the thought of you not wanting her anymore. Or she could be missing you more than she cares to admit and can't bear the thought of losing you.

 

But whatever the reason, she is now with another man and you have told her that it hurts to talk and she should respect that and leave you alone even if it does upset her. She made her choice and now it's time to face the truth... She can't have you both.

[jcap01]

Hi Bethany,

 

Last week was the last I heard from her. I heard from her last Thursday morning when she sent me a text message that was intended for her new man. I personally think it was on purpose because it was a reply to a message I had sent her a while back. It was a very lovey dovey text that hurt me a little. I responded to her by saying "I think this was intended for xxx and I think you should resend it to him."

 

She replied back saying:

 

"Thanks for letting me know...that was an important message"

 

I ignored that text and a minute later she wrote:

 

"Sorry if I woke you, it's very early over there. Right now in NY it's very beautiful."

 

I also ignored this text and a few hours later I received another text:

 

"I hope you're doing well"

 

I ignored this text as well.

 

I should also say that on the night I told her I couldn't be there for her anymore, she asked for my new email address and if I could email it to her. I said yes, but haven't done so. Was this a good idea?

 

Now I haven't heard from her since last week. It's now been 7 days of not hearing from her at all. This kind of worries me. I really hope she contacts me again. She did say 2 weeks ago that nobody has a soul like me etc. and that she still needs me in her life and is not ready to let go. Also, her new man has been in NY for the past three weeks which I also find funny because while he's there visiting, she was still contacting me. NC was definitely the way to go in this situation. I've always been there for her...always a caring man. I really hope she is starting to miss me...it would be nice if she did. She still to this day has said that nobody will compare to me. Not sure if she means this but I do believe it's coming from her heart. She also did mention a couple of weeks back (when i was begging for her to take me back) that she wished she could give both of us a chance but things with this Dr. got so serious (because of his persistency) so fast and right now it was too late...man do I ever love this woman. I'm head over heals for her. I don't think anybody understands how hard it is to maintain NC, especially when you adore this person with all your heart and want to give them the world.

 

What do you think Bethany or anybody?? I would really like somebody to help me through this situation as it unfolds and follow this story. I need a little guidance. It's hard to think logical when you're so emotional.

[Bethany]

She's with another man and she's messing about behind his back. If she wants you back, she knows what she has to do. Tell her firmly that you have already told her not to contact you again and to please respect your wishes. Then you need to stop looking back and focus on the future. You need to get yourself back and she needs to leave you alone while you do it. Be strong. Do it for YOU.