Suffered an NC setback last night...

[malcontent]

My gf of two years and I broke up at the beginning of March. She had a new guy a week later. He's 23 years older than she is and he's the friend of a father of mine. It bugs me, to say the least. Plus, he's a drunk with no drivers license, so she drives him around in my old car, which I gave to her like a sucker. I should note that she has a 3 1/2 year old son who I adore, and I knew she'd be screwed without a car.

 

Anyway, I've been doing no contact with her for about three weeks now, even though she tries calling pretty much every day and leaves these long, sappy, sobbing messages begging me to call her. I'm not ready, I know that. I am still bitter about how little consideration she had for my feelings following the break up. Granted, I don't think the relationship was right and I did have myself convinced I wanted out, but I would have thought a grace period was in order.

 

Cut to last night: I walked into the local pub and there was "Geoff", the 61 year old drunk sitting at the bar. I walked to the other end of the bar and ordered dinner, and while hanging my jacket off, flipped him the bird. A few minutes later he came over and asked if I'd just flipped him off. I said yes and told him to get the f*ck out of my space. I told him I didn't like him and that he'd shown me a complete lack of respect. He said "you're making this uglier than it has to be", to which I said "it's going to get a lot uglier if you don't get out of my face".

 

As I left the bar, I asked him if he was driving yet (he lost his license for I think three years for his second DWI) He said "let's see....no". I said, "you may want to think about giving those up (pointing to the two beers in front of him), you drunk f#ck", then left. I felt much worse after because I again let my emotions get the best of me. Why is it that I have such an overwhelming urge to kick his teeth in?

[bcuzitwasfun]

malcontent,

 

You did good not to get physical. It would not have been good especially in a public place.

 

My ex gf slept with my ex best friend two days after I moved out. I believe that she had been with him before I left though. I know it's hard, I have to see these two most everyday. Hold your dignity and don't do anything that will get you in trouble with the law. From your post, she isn't worth it and neither is her boyfriend. Sounds like my ex, "I've made a horrible mistake.....", "he is a rebound...." mushy musy mess that she is using to string me along.

 

I don't think that either of these two deserve a second of your time. No looks, no email, no phone calls.

 

Good luck!

bcuzitwasfun

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome.

 

I am sorry to hear about your break-up. I know you are angry but your anger needn't be directed at this new guy she is with. There is such a thing called free-will and she chose to be with him, no matter how much of a loser you feel he is. And quite frankly, whom she is with now is none of your business. You are having a difficult time with this because you will not let this go, you know too much about her life and still very involved in it. Let it go....focus on yourself now. If she chooses to be in the likes with a drunk and so forth...that is her problem, not yours. She is a big girl. You may not agree with her choice but it is not up to you to agree.

 

Be the better man, walk away from this, with your dignity and integrity. Beating this guy up will only feel good for a second, it will not benefit you in the long run. Take it one day at a time and focus on your recovery. Good job with the NC, it is definitely the best way to go. Take care and good luck.

[AwdreeHpburn]

malcontent - (cool name by the way)

 

I'm sorry that happened.

 

How DID you restrain yourself as much as you did is the better question?!

 

Don't question WHY you feel the way you feel. There's nothing WRONG with it. Its normal.

 

I'm glad to hear, for your sake, that you DIDN'T get into a physical thing tho. I'm sure it took a lot.

 

Maybe you're stronger for a next time. Maybe next time you won't even feel like flippin' 'im off.

 

Don't beat yourself up for how you feel. You're normal dude. Its what you do with your feelings that tells others what you are. And you look like a man to us!

[chai714]

Mal,

 

Welcome to eNotalone. Sorry to hear about the situation with your ex.

 

First things first: stay away from bars and alcohol for now. Drinking may temporarily make you feel better, but after it will bring you down. If that's not a good enough reason, running into your exes drunk boyfriend should be. It's understandable for you to be angry with him. Whether it was him or another guy doesn't matter - her current boyfriend is in a predisposed position for you to hate him, period. Continue staying away from her. You'll have to chalk up the car you gave her to a loss - that is, if you put the name in her car and made her the legal owner. If not, you can still get it back but it might not be worth it emotionally.

 

No need to fight with a 61 year old man. He's drunk already, so it wouldn't prove anything PLUS that would get you in legal trouble - something you definitely don't need on top of all this mess you're dealing with right now. Good luck.

[malcontent]

Thanks for the replies, it's nice to get some objective perspective on things. I just felt badly about it because I'd gained some high ground by keeping my distance and refusing to answer her calls, then I go and basically give it all back by being a * * * * to the new guy.

 

I should mention that I live in a small town, and this pub is pretty much it for socializing. Also, I wasn't drinking at all; I just went in to get some dinner and I was drinking ice water. It's not my nature to start a physical altercation, it's more my style to push people's buttons until they feel the need to start something. It's immature and the fact that I'm sure she's heard about it and is feeling like I'm still hurting is probably giving her a lot of satisfaction.

 

The no contact is the way to go. It's definitely allowed me to just focus on myself and what I want to do. I've been back at the gym for two months now and already have almost 700 miles on my bicycle so far this spring. I'm getting leaner and putting on muscle, both of which alway makes me feel better about myself.

 

As far as the ex goes, I'm going to continue with this tack, regardless of last night's setback. At some point in time I imagine I won't harbor as much resentment and I'll be able to ask for my stuff back. I assume the money she owes me is a lost cause since she's a complete financial deadbeat, but I guess that's the price you pay for no contact.

 

Here's another situation: Her 3 and a half year old son and I have (had) a really good relationship and I know I was a positive influence in his life, but I am not comfortable with either of them right now because of the way things went down. She'll sometimes leave messages saying things like "I'd think you'd at least call to check on my child" in an exasperated tone. I feel like no contact is going to have to be absolute, and as far as things go he is part of her and so unfortunately for both him and me, we're out of each other's lives. I really don't want to punish him at all, any thoughts on what the best way to handle this situation is? Plus, I miss him.

[kellbell]

She is using that poor child as a pawn to get you to do what she wants. She is his MOTHER!!! It is HER responsiblity to check on him. I know it is easy to get attached but as long he is not in danger or being abused, he is no longer your responsibilty. Her actions towards you are punishing him. Ignore her. Stay strong.

[malcontent]

Well, she's obviously checking on him, he spends half of each week with her. I agree that she's using him to get to me. Hell, she used him to draw me into more of a relationship than I ever intended to share with her.

 

With the clarity of hindsight, I guess I sort of got what I deserved. I told her before we ever even hung out (a.k.a. hooked up) that I was "emotionally unavailable", as I was sort of in a weird place in my life and didn't want to get into anything serious. Her response was "Oh, I totally understand. I'm not looking for anything serious, either."

 

Yeah, right. It's too bad they don't have a little vampire emoticon.