Pursuing her

[comets_21]

Question, once you find the girl is losing interest that your dating is it okay if you do NC to help your dignity and stop caring about them? Do you think that if I stop showing interest it will blow the chase of us ever seriously dating?

[southerngirl]

If she seems to have lost interest in you then let her go. Move on with your life, lifes too short.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yes. And yes.

 

I think you should break off properly and then just move on. If she has no interest, what else IS there to do?

[btbt]

Rather than worry about "strategy," talk to her, see what's up and go from there. I say this because you sound worried about losing her. You can't help it if she loses interest, but what you can control is finding out clearly and honesty what is going on, rather than playing games. Either way, you risk losing her -- but in the straight up scenario at least you will have clarity.

[Dating Coach]

If the person has a lowering interest in you, clinging more tightly only speeds up their departure. If you want to keep that person you need to seriously evaluate what you have been doing wrong-such as being to boring, too needy, too clingy, too desperate to please, etc.

 

If it is inevitable (and your gut does tell you) then it's best to BE the one ending it. It is a lot easier on you.

[Markers]

in my experience, pursuing her is not the way to go. I once went to the opposite direction and she came for me later. However, that was a school -type setting, where we were the same year so we kinda were around eachother. This won't work if NC means you will never see her again.

[monsieur]

my thinking is that NC is very risky, the old saying 'out of sight, out of mind'

[comets_21]

Yeah, it basically means we'll never see eachother. I've just found that I've been doing the pursuing and I am not enjoying it too much. I wish it was the other way around. For example, she doesn't go out of her way so we can go out. She seems alittle aloof. It would be nice if she called me and was the one that was eager to go out. Maybe it is a good idea to back off.

[monsieur]

Depends how much she is worth to you. If she is absolutely incredible and has your heart twisted all around, then maybe it is worth losing a bit of dignity and pursuing her for as long as it may take, which may be never. Some really really high quality girls will not get in to a relationship unless the guy really works unbelievably hard and just about jumps through hoops to woo her.

 

If it is the type of girl that only comes around once in years, it just might be worth the pain of having to do all the work and put up with the unrequited attention. If you NC a girl like that you are guaranteed not to succeed, at least the other way there is still a chance.

[comets_21]

Yeah,think she is. I mean she is worth my time to worry about. She has the looks and personality that I can see myself with. But I am alittle confused... it seems that when I start not giving this beautiful attention that she wonders why? I though that was a basic rule of attraction?

[monsieur]

I come accross that all the time. I think it is because we are attracted to the type of girl that can fall into that category... the 'princess' type, always was attractive and in a good family where they were pampered and spoiled a bit, and if they do not get your hard work and attention they will look elsewhere. We have to decide whether it is worth it, sometimes the girl is so extremely attractive to us that it is worth it. To walk away and settle for a girl that doesn't twist us up inside with desire would be a let down.

[Dating Coach]

Depends how much she is worth to you. If she is absolutely incredible and has your heart twisted all around, then maybe it is worth losing a bit of dignity and pursuing her for as long as it may take, which may be never. Some really really high quality girls will not get in to a relationship unless the guy really works unbelievably hard and just about jumps through hoops to woo her.

 

If it is the type of girl that only comes around once in years, it just might be worth the pain of having to do all the work and put up with the unrequited attention. If you NC a girl like that you are guaranteed not to succeed, at least the other way there is still a chance.

 

No, no , no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

 

This is exactly why monsieur, that you still are in the situation that you are in. You keep committing the same mistakes that put you into the situation to begin with. It's one thing to keep doing this yourself, but to advise someone else to do it too... that's just not fair.

 

To the OP, do NOT keep doing this. If she told you she wasn't interesed verbally or nonverbally, to continue to pursue her is only going to drive her away faster, and could make the situation nasty if she gets sick of the crap.

 

If you are dating and things were fine, but then you notice that she's not returning your calls, she's not wanting to hang out, etc... for me, I would tell her that I don't think this is working. If a woman is not returning your calls or hanging out anymore, she's basically telling you to be a man and to dump her. In that case the WORST thing you can do to the situation and to your own image is to start running to her, chasing her, etc. She's going to think, "What a loser. Doesn't he get the hint?" It happens all of the time.

 

If you aren't willing to step up and take the hint, at least save your face and don't run to her. Play it cool yourself. Start being busy, doing thigns with friends, show that you are independent and have a life. She might realize that she could lose a good strong independent man.

[comets_21]

Well I still have not contacted her since I made this post and she has not contacted me... maybe its the end of the road? Kind of disappointed if it is, but its better then keep on getting disappointed and pissed. I am taking diggys advice and playing it cool, maybe she will realize that she was taking things for granted...?

[monsieur]

I'm still skeptical.... I just can't see the NC thing resulting in anything but never seeing her again. A friend of mine pursued an extremely attractive but little bit spoiled girl that was way out of his league for a couple of years, and she eventually gave in to him.... if he had NC'ed her I guarantee that he would never have succeeded with her. I was actually amazed at his perseverence because I thought he had no chance, but contrary to me he had alot of 'game' but was not that good looking. She eventually fell for him, I don't know how.

 

oh, and by the way, by 'pursued' I don't mean stalking, but continued attention and going out of his way to see her and talk to her etc.

[comets_21]

thats interesting... most of the men's advice say the opposite, saying you have to be a challenge? what do you guys think?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm still skeptical.... I just can't see the NC thing resulting in anything but never seeing her again. A friend of mine pursued an extremely attractive but little bit spoiled girl that was way out of his league for a couple of years, and she eventually gave in to him.... if he had NC'ed her I guarantee that he would never have succeeded with her. I was actually amazed at his perseverence because I thought he had no chance, but contrary to me he had alot of 'game' but was not that good looking. She eventually fell for him, I don't know how.

 

oh, and by the way, by 'pursued' I don't mean stalking, but continued attention and going out of his way to see her and talk to her etc.

But is your friend still with her? And if so how long have they been together?

[monsieur]

well, they have kind of a strange relationship, on again off again, she is more worried about what her parents think, so she keeps him at a bit of a distance, but he does get sex once in a while, and he still has to work hard to keep things 'going'

[CarnelianButterfly]

Then its not a very good relationship.

[monsieur]

probably not, but she is the one he wants, so I guess he is willing to take it as it comes

 

she's not about to change either I don't think, well to do parents, spoiled very beautiful girl, had guys chasing her continually all through high school and still

 

he's a big boy though, he made his choices

[Dating Coach]

Then its not a very good relationship.

 

Well said.

 

So your friend is this extreme rare occurrence where his neediness actually got the girl to give him some of her, but then she pulls it on and off over and over again and he sticks around like the same doormat he always was that didn't garner any respect from her... Doesn't sound too great to me. During those years and years he wasted on this girl, he could have learned to be more confident with more self respect, and he could have found a girl that doesn't bring this drama into his life. Yeesh!

 

Monsieur, if the girl isn't interested in him romantically, and he isn't interested in her as "just friends" then he should no contact her, even if it means that he might not be friends with her anymore. Besides, isn't that going along with his decision that he doesn't want to be "just friends"? That he can no longer stand being around her if he can't have her-which was her decision? So yes, the best way to move on is to move on. Why torture yourself? Why disrespect her answer and your own feelings by continuing to waste time hoping she will miraculously change her mind and suddenly find you attractive? Why do all that when you can open yourself up to meet new people? It makes no sense.

 

Guys seriously, knock these girls off this stupid pointless pedastle. They are human beings just like us. No better, no worse. Guess what? There are millions of them out there! Billions! If one isn't interested, then move on for god's sake. Yeesh!

[CarnelianButterfly]

Guys seriously, knock these girls off this stupid pointless pedastle. They are human beings just like us. No better, no worse. Guess what? There are millions of them out there! Billions! If one isn't interested, then move on for god's sake. Yeesh!

 

Yeah and there might be a few less stalker laws and restraining orders out there!

[lizylyz]

if she's a little aloof, either call her up on it or just stand back. Let her do the calling for a while. Let her worry instead.

 

When my the last guy i was dating started acting strange, I jsut backed off for a while and let him come to his senses (but I let him know why I was doing it), when we finally broke up, it was over something else.

[comets_21]

I like the idea of backing off. It worked with my ex and now she wants me back but I do not feel the same towards her. Problem is with my current situation is that I might ruin what we have already and eliminate the chance us becoming something deeper ? Don't you agree?

[comets_21]

Just to add, by backing off with my ex, I meant after we broke up.