Wish I could kill myself but I can't

[Invicta]

I'm not unhappy, my life is pretty easy, I'v never been abused, I ahve lots of friends and support but for some reason I can't seem to connect with anything. I feel like I'm going through life in a diffent dimention. I am plankton. I have no emotions, nothing is interesting. The funny thing is, I ahve no problem laughing, playing, telling jokes, being a good lover. I'm a super nice guy, everyone likes me. I'm the person people come to for advice.

 

But.. it's all... so.. far away...

 

I can analyze people so we'll. I can tell them what they want to hear, I can feign interest, I can manipulate them to believe what I want. But I'm not hurtfull... I never try to hurt anyone. I'm tired though. I'm tired of living in a fog. I'm tired of getting lost in my mind despite all my attempts to connect and share with those around me.

 

Sometimes I feel like death is clearest path. The deep and dark unkown calls to me, it whispers and taunts me. It says it has the answers.

 

I find myself attracted to dangerous situations. I make friends with shady people, I walk through dark alleys, I drive faster when I'm alone, not drunk though. I'm may go to the world cup with a violent drug addict friend. I plan to buy a motorcycle. Maybe if you go to the edge you can see both sides at the same time...

 

Just to make it clear, I have no intentions to kill myself. There is enough uncertainty in life to keep me entrigued and I'm not unstable enough to let a spike of bad luck push me over the edge. truthfully though, I stay around because it would hurt too many people too see me go that way.

 

I posted because I'm curious if anyone else has similar experiences. I'm not asking for help, just curious..

 

 

smoking kills you slowly, and who'se in a hurry to die?

 

 

Invicta

[Dako]

I hear you, Invicta!

Seems pretty familiar to me, although as I've gotten older I'm more cautious because I heal slower. I've done risky things over the years in order to feel something. I bought a motorcycle last month so I could feel something meaningful, but I don't consider bikes a danger since I have so many miles on two wheels.

I do feel like I'm in a fog, life sucks and I need something. In my youth, drugs and shady friends were my muse. I did feel pretty good when I was in love. It really cut through the haze and made life sharp and vivid. Too bad love stinks.

Today I have few answers but a cold beer, a cigar and a sunset.

 

Please don't kill yourself. It might annoy someone, and you seem like a good sort.

[koolaidnovel]

You sound like you're depressed but that you can fake it easily. But seriously, the whole "feeling detached" thing is a major sign of depression.

 

You also sound really bored with life, and people, in general. I have felt like that plenty of times, so I know how you feel. I guess I don't really have advice on how to change that feeling, but in my experience, it has gone away after a while. If you're bored with life, it sure can seem pointless...

 

Since you're feeling some impulsive energy, why don't you release it in a productive way, like body-building or going to the gym?

[LaL]

Same here, I was seriously considering death. But figured leaving would cause more harm than staying.So I decided to stick around for a while.

I think the reason your attracted to danger is that you feel something when your in danger.

 

I don't know how to fix the numbness yet. but I'm pretty sure I will find a way. plus i have nothing better to do anyway LOL

[Jhodas]

It does sound like depression. I went through a spell of feeling like that last summer. My mother noticed immediately. I don't know what brought me out of it. Maybe you just need a change of scenery. Something new. Working out is always a good idea. A group holiday maybe?

 

I'm not one for usually recommending drugs, but I did find something that has helped me tremedously. Its non-prescription, it's called 5HTP. All it does is give you a subtle serotonin boost. Effects are different for different people, but I found that with a 100mg dose every couple of days, I felt much better generally, and more involved in life. I experienced no negative side effects.

 

Give this a try for a couple of weeks. You may want to seek medical advice first.

 

I dont use 5HTP any more because running of a morning has a similar if not more pronounced effect.

 

Trying new things I think is a step in the right direction, however I do not agree with you putting yourself at risk (walking down dark alleys etc.) I am by no means questioning your selection of friends with that statement.

 

I think you just need to find something that gives you a real buzz, something to get really enthusiastic about. A new hobby. It may reflect positively on the other aspects of your life. Mine is online gaming. It's life or death, but with pixels, and I've come away from more than one session this week feeling like I've just run half a mile.

[Invicta]

I apreciate all the input. I posted because until this past month or so, death and suicide were never options I considered. I don't want to die, but I wouldn't mind if thats where my road leads. I don't know if this is normal or not but it sounds like its the same crap we're all going through and will eventually pass.

 

I thought it might be depression, but I don't think it is. As far as I can remember I have been in and out of bouts of depression. They can last just a few days or several months. It's something that happens every now and then and I just have to deal with it.

 

Lately though, (we'll.. one - two years) I don't have the agony and hopelesness I associate with depression. I'm certainly more happy than sad, but its a drag to be feel so detatched from all the crap people around me are so easily engrossed. On the plus side, I have had improved clarity of thought. I can never seem to focus on any personal problems or goals though... so I lazy watch and analize stuff going on around me. That must be why people come to me for advice. A few weeks ago I had three sepreate people with life crisis / self identity issues come to me for help in one day. I talked them through as much as I could, helped separate the real issues from the self inflicted ones. I was shocked though, that even in moments where my friends are pouring their hearts out to me, I was unable to connect with them at all on an emotional level. I mindlessly analized their sitations and spit out advice.

 

I have also been changing my lifestyle to see if I can get things moving. I have been going to the university gym and lost 10 of the 15pounds I gained drinking beer and playing online games the past 6 months. I'v been going to the park during the week and playing pickup soccer matches and tennis. I also managed to get myself together this semester ensure I get A's in at least 2 of my classes ( can't say the same for the others...). Although I feel and look healthier, it has had little or no affect me emotionally or psychologicly. My motivations for improving myself were mostly so I wouldn't disapoint family and friends. I donno how people do it... how do they stay motivated with all the bull * * * * they do.

[Dako]

Any lady in your life? Sometimes that can make life a more vivid and engaging experience.

[Invicta]

Ok, I'v always had trouble discussing my problems with people, and even on an anonymous website I find it difficult. I finally got the courage to type up what I truly think must be bugging me. I apologize for the length.

 

I went camping two weeks ago with a really fun group of people and we all got drunk in the woods. After getting pretty slammed, a close friend of mine confessed to me that he had slept with my ex-girlfriend from over 2 years ago almost immediately after we separated. The actual breakup was not in anyway tragic or painfull. We had been drifting appart for months and one day she told me she had started being atracted to other men. We both agreed to split up and remain friends. Only in the days after the breakup did I realize how much I loved her, and almost three years later, I must admit I still have not recovered. To this day I have never told her and I probably never will.

 

My friend though, was quite aware of my pain, since we were roommates at the time and I confided in him for advice. I remember he became very antisocial and avoided me shortly after this, so he must ahve been feeling guilty. The girl too, began avoiding me, and treated me almost with cruelty the few times we saw eachother.

 

I should have been furious when he told me. It explained so much and the the past two years of our friendship had been under false pretenses. In stead though, I calmly gave him a hug and told him I wouldn't be able to speak to him for a while. Then I went stumbling down a gravel road until I passed out in a ditch. That night was the second time I'v ever cried since childhood, the first being the few days after the girl and I split up. But strangly, I felt a sepreation between mind and body. I felt no anger pain or sadness, yet my body was sobbing to the point of having uncontrolable convusions. In addition, for the first time in my life since that night I've been having panic attacks. Out of nowhere I start breathing heavily and hyperventilating. I start feeling anxiety in my chest, almost like heartburn, and I have to consciously slow down my breathing before I get light headed. These bouts are unprovoked and happen randomly forcing me to make excuses to people around me for why I'm breathing funny. I have even woken up in the night as a result.

 

Clearly I have some unresolved issues but I can't seem to focus enough, or even motivate myself enough to care. The problem is manifesting itself physicly and to be honest it's kind of weird.

 

As far as ladies go Dako, I'm hesitant at best. It's hard to feel atracted to other women, and I feel guilty when I go for one, like I'm doing them a diservice with my frigidness. Plus theres this annoying problem with girls my age once things get sexual. They become less fun and more demanding. I just end up hurting people so I'm better off alone

[Dako]

It takes longer to heal if you "just move on" without all the pain, healing and grief. You may have buried that for a while and it came back to haunt you as it did in my first trip through it. It caused nightmares up to 5 years later. I won't lay some psychobabble on you, but you've got some things to resolve.

The pain can be impressvely physical, in my case like a spear in my chest, cold sweats, shivers and nausea. I had a bout of cold sweats a week ago, 8 months after a breakup.

 

Your line, "I just end up hurting people so I'm better off alone" Feels very familiar to me. I also feel guilty about being with a woman, as if my invisible damage is shameful.

 

In my case, I want to get over this misery and be something to someone.

[langford]

You must simply be attracted to destruction and injury and nothing else really works for you,destruction is so easy after all.Trying to grow,love,learn,feel,risk etc is really hard,it's exhausting,so of course you choose the detach or destruct option,the feel nothing option,why not ?I do all the time,IT'S GREAT,IT'S EASY,I LOVE IT.

 

Good for you,I suggest you aquire another girlfriend who does'nt want to be with you and fks your friends as that seems to be inline with your goals for destruction and seems to get your tear taps on.Best of all it won't require you to learn/grow or foster emotions with anybody new. Keep helping out your pals but avoid any sort of true emotional investment it's too risky and god knows you might end up caring and frankly that would not assist you in your goals for self destruction or personal preservation.

 

Connecting with others is VERY hazardous you run the risk of getting hurt by them so make sure to feign concern and interest in an artifical way in order to protect yourself against it.Indifference is a FANTASTIC shield!

You are more afraid of your capacity to feel and be hurt than lacking any ability to feel,believe me I say this from experience.

[Spugly Fuglet]

If you get a motorcycle learn to ride it, Ive been on them for 25 years and have had meny a crash. but I still love the feeling of freedom they give, been all over the EU on bikes and it gets me where I need to be in my head free from others and in the Bike mind set. But when your down don't ride its very bad to hit the road with your head on the wrong place. never mind your self you could kill others.

 

I have lost 3 good freands to bikes, best to know when to ride and when not.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It sounds like you are an intelligent person who's long ago figured out the psychology of people and become quite disillusioned..and it is almost depressing when you work out how easy people are to manipulate, how most of our behaviour is broken down into biochemical urges or whatever.

 

By not getting attached, you dont get hurt...but you dont get the opportunity for any joy or indeed connection. Its a choice..stay detached, or risk it and start to become involved and care on a deeper, more real level than just pretending. Its a gamble but it might pay off.

[Invicta]

At some point when you've been burned by girls, family and friends too many times there is little choice than to pull away. You escape in hopes that one day you can look back and see that meaningfull thing you thought you had but somehow lost. I call it self preservation, others call it the easy way out, older people call it wisdom.

 

That search for meaning boils down to learing to live with uncertainty. But if you can't, then you find things to keep you distracted. Maybe it's the same thing... I just don't know where to start. The placebo effect stops working when you are aware of it...

 

As for girls, I certainly have issues. I am very distrustfull and feeling attraction is rare. I think it's the age. I'm in college, and I'm sorry ladies but girls my age are just plain nuts. I'm hoping they are like wine and get better with age.

[Dako]

Invicta,

 

You must be in a mental space I'm familiar with. Your posts are very articulate but share my outlook at times in my life,

Don't worry, women are still wonderful and life has plenty of surprises even when you're a jaded old guy. When the time is right, there's still joy.

Maturity is disappointing, but laughter cures it.

Like wine, some women get better with age, and some are plonk.

 

I'm so full of baloney!

[Invicta]

I apreciate your posts Dako. We do seem to share similar a mindest. I noticed you mentioned women several times and you seem to have conflicting emotions on the matter. Love stinks but we always end up going back for more. Do you still hope to find sincerity and virtue in your relationships or have you finally resigned to accept what the moment has to offer.

 

I get so bitter sometimes thinking that honesty and altruism have become relics of the past. No one is perfect, but at what point do a persons ideals stretch further than the restrictions of human nature?

[Dako]

I think cynicism ends when you meet someone special, whether it turns into a fairy tale ending or just reaffirms the joy of living. I'm getting over a 27 year relationship with someone who changed my mind after an extremely bitter period. I was loathing myself, abusing street drugs and hating women. We had an extremely happy marriage that went through some wonderful changes of lifestyle. It just ended without any real blame to assign. It hurt like hell, and nearly did me in.

Now I'm feeling a lot better, bought a nice BMW MC to play with and look forward to buying a house of my own. I actually think I might be able to find another happy phase. Laughter and curiosity keep me going. I've learned a lot from the folks here.

Love is still a big deal in my life, even if it's channeled differently now.

It's still pretty powerful stuff. The younger folks here get wrapped up in sex, but love is still the big deal. Well, with sex of course.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Doka you offer me hope im 40 and still barning from a loss 13 years ago, feeling better not bitter. Hope it all works out for you, My get a BMW my self LOL

[Invicta]

Your posts really helped me slow my decent these past couple of weeks into a dark slippery hole. I managed to hold my ground and for a while I stopped giving up on everything and everyone around me. Sadly though, I feel that strength leeching away and apathy is once again diluting my reality. The anxiety attacks are more frequent and I find it harder and harder to focus on my daily distractions. I can't answer simple questions and I have less patience with people. More often I am considering the notion that I may not be strong enough to go on by myself.

 

I've always been a very independent and rebellious person. I've rarely been one to bother others with my problems. In fact, I'm ashamed that I'm even posting on this forum. I'm ashamed to burden others and I feel guilty for taking space away from people that need help more than I do.

 

I considered the advice to seek out closer relationships with people and to open myself to the possibility of intimate relationships. This is not possible right now. I am sickened by the idea of using people, especially a girl, to jumpstart myself. No one deserves that indignity. I know this sounds kind of skewed and that it's part of human social behavior but I just can't do it. I rather chew glass.

 

I want to apologize to those of you who read through this. Everyone is so friendly and helpful. Please just let me apologize. These issues are self inflicted. I'm stubborn, self destructive, and guild ridden. I've blocked all the painful things in my past and it's finally dragging me down. Did you know once an eagle grabs hold of a fish, it's physically unable to let go until it reaches it's nest? There have been cases of eagles drowning because the fish was too heavy to be lifted from the water...

 

Here I am though despite my contentions. I have nothing to hold on too. The present and the future is a blurry emptiness. I'm not even calm and accepting anymore. I'm tense, anxious, and confused.

 

At what point do I seek professional help? What is the sacrifice made when you medicate the mind? The thought of being artificially changed by chemicals is more alarming than slowly drifting away on my own terms. What should I do from here?

[Dako]

If you aren't capable of finding enough joy to even live through another day, week, month of misery, what is the risk in seeing if a connection in your brain isn't functional?

If it were a cardiac artery restricting bloodflow to your brain, would you rather let your cortex atrophy than have a prcedure to correct it?

 

Antidepressants don't make you feel any different. They let you feel the way you would if you weren't clinically depressed. You still get bummed over certain events, and still get joy from good ones.

 

Or you can choose to be your own worst enemy and deny yourself the help that can make the most precious things worthwhile.

 

To do nothing isn't working, is it?

 

Your choice.

 

I went through a struggle about taking meds. Many of my thoughts were similar to yours, including a concern for my life's "authenticity" being lost. Looking back, I know I made the right choice, and those concerns were unfounded. I'm the same insecure, lazy sarcastic and generous bozo, but I'm able to interact with people and actually do things instead of simmering with self-loathing and indecision.

Life still gets me down, but it's because of a real reason, not an internal storm of negativity.

[Lita43]

Hi Hon,

I purposely didn't read the others posts so I can stay on top of my own game here.

Seriously I am never going to be a judge againts you and have been where you are, so all I can ask is if you have the ability/insurance to get some anxiety meds?

I've been OCD for many years and even if I try really hard to get over an obsession, there will always be another to take it's place.

I'm doing fairly great on meds, but still have my obsessive qualities of sort.

Don't need to list them as I would boggle your brain even more, but have lived through a whole lot of stuff that even blows my own mind!!!

It's hard to not have any parental support or even good friend who will understand you, so it's a matter of deep thinking, open communication or going on medication to help you along in life.

Parents are the most important, so if you disconnected, be open and honest and try reconnecting.

No matter how many kids want to ditch on their parents for many reason's, doesn't mean you should ever give up on trying.

Good Luck and Hope You Can Get The Answers You Are Looking For!!!

 

Sincerely, Lita~

 

God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The People I Cannot Change, The Courage To Change The One I Can and The Wisdom To Know It's Me!

 

Quote: "A Day You Don't Learn Anything New Is A Day Wasted!" Lita~

 

Quote: "If I Could Scoop Everybody Out Of The Bowl Of Sour and Dump Them Into God's Bowl of Sweet,...It Would Be Everyone..." Lita~

[Bethany]

I learned to ride a motorcycle when I was going through a bad time in my life, it does wonders for the soul, gives you a great sense of freedom and puts a huge smile on your face. I recommend it to anyone.

[Dako]

Riding is such fine therapy.

I finally got my semi-new bike insured last night so I can play with it. It's been almost 20 years since my last bike, and it feels like magic to wind through the hills on a two lane road, feeling the wind, curves and revs.

 

image removed

[Spugly Fuglet]

OK Bikes list is it now.

It would be cool to have a Bike club called "Nuts Bakers" LoL

The patch could be a Brain in a jar.

 

 

I sold me ZRX1100 last year and man Im I so sorry.

Next bikes going to be a Trophy 1200 I use to have one

 

Invicta don’t nock the meds they work, It could be you brains in a blip and the only a doc can help there. As for things to hold onto, have a look around and ask your self "Im a in a rut?" if the answers yes! then that’s why you life works but you feel hopeless.

 

Find your self some thing to do that you know will be very hard to do.

 

Bike around the world

Make a film

Move to France for a year,

Set out to clime Everest.

Run for Office

Larne Mandarin

Wright a book

Go see the Pope

Make $1,000,000 in a year

Invent some thing cool

Start a Band

Save some one life.

 

Any thing that is very hard to do and don’t stop until you do it.

Then ask your self if your still down.

 

Me I going to make a short Film

Have HDV, Laptop and Finalcuts will travil.

 

See I found a new thing to live for.

[Mr. Roboto]

Xanax made me want to kill myself - tell you're doctor you get panic attacks