am i right?

[BAS231187]

me and this girl (sarah) have been best friends for a few months now. but very close friends, just to give u an idea:

 

we have seen each other EVERY DAY since christmas apart from 3 days i didnt c her a few days ago

we have helped each other threw an awful lot. and recently she has been a tru star helping through everything after my house burnt down,

we have our disagrements but always come back to each other.

she has slept in my single bed with me. (nothing sexual happened but it was great to fall asleep next to each other. and if anything we trust each other even more)

she says im the only guy shed want to loose her virginity to

earlyer today we were talking over MSN messenger and we got in to some very personal sexual topics. telling each other very personal secrets.

 

some times i feel like we are a couple and most of my friends and all my family think that we are. only reason we arnt is because she thinks she is bisexual. she wants to find out if she really is befor dating me and risk hurting me if she finds she does prefer girls.

 

a month or so ago i started showing intrest in a girl from the year below. i told sarah about it as we talk about everything. a few days later she said the thought of me dating this girls almost brought her to tears cos it would mean i love this girl more than her. i felt really bad and kinda backed off. doing my best to show sarah i still love her to bits. now the girl that i originally showed intrest in is bi and has told sarah she likes her.

 

so far iv been encouraging sarah to get to know this girl. it would be better for her to find out what she wants from a relationship now. than wait and stil be unsure when we go to uni in september.

she keeps telling me that the more she thinks about it the more she wants to be with me and that she probably isnt bi. but i cant help worrying that if she is and does prefer to spend her time with this other girl...

2 reasons for writing this:

1. i guess i wanted to remind my self how close we really are and how lucky i am to know some one so amazing.

2. am i doing the right thing.

is it like the butterfly u have to set free because its in the butterflys best intrests ...

[shorty20]

wow... this is a very weird complicated situation and I can understand why you're here. I would be carefull of waiting too long for this girl... I mean, you start to show interest in someone and she dosen't like it... but you've shown interest in her and she's taking her time finding out her sexuality? It seems like you guys have a great friendship going, and grounds for an awesome relationship, but I would be carefull about catering to her every need and want and figure out what YOU want.. do you want to wait for this girl? Even if it takes her weeks.. months.. a year to figure out what she wants? From your post I get the feeling that she's a bit controling but thats just a vibe I got... other than that it seems like it could turn into something really great.. but only if she'll let it.

[Momene]

You're not angling for a 3-some, I hope? I think it could be disaster all round. Ask Sarah if she really wants you ro be a couple because if not, you'll be free to date other girls.

[BAS231187]

no im not after a 3some. im a virgin and dont think that would be the best first experience.

 

it was the first day back at school today. this other girl has been away over the term break and so me and sarah had spent a lot of time together.now we are back at school i saw sarah with her arm round her. that kinda made me jelous cos i dont think she has randomly had her arm round me unless iv needed a hug or shes been drunk.(im not sure if she has actually asked her out yet)

 

after that i kinda disappeared off to do some work (with the house burning down there is always more work to catch up on). guess i figured i would be very jelous of some one as close to sarah as i am if i was intrested in a relationship. and if she is gona be happyer with this girl i dont wanna scare her off by always being stuck to sarahs side.

 

a part of me wants her to be happy and find out what she really wants. then another part wants her to realise she wants me. but then im kinda down atm so i keep thinking that even if she does break off with this other girl shel come to me but ill just be second best.

still more opinions wanted

Ben

[RandomAdvisor]

This IS a complicated situation. Like it or not you are now involved in a love triangle of sorts. Someone is going to get hurt. Either you get involved with the new girl, and Sarah gets hurt. Or you and Sarah get together and the other girl gets hurt. Or the two girls get together and you get hurt. Or the whole thing is just too much and prevents any of you from having a relationship, and you're all hurt....

 

It's no one's fault. None of you set out trying to get into this. But now that you're here you should make a decision quickly and get it over with, like jumping into a pool or pulling a band aid off fast.

 

What do you want? What does your heart tell you? Based on what you've written, I think you want Sarah and I advise you to go for it. Ask her out. If she starts getting confused again, then you should probably back off from here and probably even go to NC. You two sound good together. I think if you don't go for it you'll regret it.

[BAS231187]

i used to hang around with her in a large group of people. i asked her out then (a few months ago) and she said no. i stayed friends with her tho. then when the large group started to tear its self apart i stuck by sarah. when that happened we became closer and spent more time together. she knows im still intrested in her and always have been.

 

i love her to bits and do want to be with her, without a doubt. its just does she want to be with me.

 

she said she was going to try things with the other girl first because she would rather hurt her than me.

[RandomAdvisor]

At this point I really think you should just back off. She is putting you on the back burner and expecting you to stand by and wait for her in case things don't work out with the other girl.

 

She's making you her #2. Pretty selfish.

[BAS231187]

no contact is vertually impossbile we both hang out with the same goups of people. but i have a paice of paper in my back pocket wih "1/2" writen on it. so i spend half my break times in one of the many computer rooms

 

that way ill spend less time with her and will be easyer if she does eventualy date this girl. 2 if this other girl really is going to make her happy then im not gona scare her off. 3 means i actually get some school work done. imgona start looking for some one else aswell.

[Momene]

no contact is vertually impossbile we both hang out with the same goups of people. but i have a paice of paper in my back pocket wih "1/2" writen on it. so i spend half my break times in one of the many computer rooms

 

that way ill spend less time with her and will be easyer if she does eventualy date this girl. 2 if this other girl really is going to make her happy then im not gona scare her off. 3 means i actually get some school work done. imgona start looking for some one else aswell.

 

Good move and hope it works out.

[meeka]

Sorry if this seems a bit harsh

She thinks she might be bi, being she might like girls and guys. That is not a reason not to go out with you its like saying no I won't go out with you because I might meet someone else she likes. I'd say she is either scared of getting into a relationship(maybe for herself, for u, or for your friendship could be any reason) or she used it as an excuse because she didn't want to go out with u and she thought it would hurt u less.

 

You could ask her if she likes you and tell her that it doesn't matter if she's bi. Unless she thinks she might be a lesbian it shouldn't matter because her liking a girl wouldn't hurt u any more than her liking another guy.

 

I agree with Momene about not having a threesome but it also something that if u do get together and u r both cool with it, maybe somewhere down the track u could.

[spaggle]

hi ben. and everyone, just so everyone knows i am this "selfish" girl. Right first off I think people arent actually being empathetic to the situation..no offence. ive told ben if he likes sum1 then to go for it. And no im not using my bisexuality as an excuse. Tbh do u know how F**kin* confusing my life is right now. (this is addressed to the posters and not ben). This isnt really something I want to be reading before my university audition but oh well. You know im scared of reltaionships ben, you know im scared of hurting people, but the more I try the more I hurt people. Ive told you I dont want to make you keep waiting for me. N if I were to date sian to see what it would be like and then realise it doesnt work it in no way (in my opinion) makes u second best, you knpow its something I feel i need to work out before university.

Why do I feel that if you want to spend less time with me just because of this situation that it may hurt our friendship? sian will in no way be scared or back off if you are around with me, Ive told her everything, she knows you mean the world to me, that doesnt scare her one bit, she understands. But also if you are spending less time with me because u feel hurt, then ok, thats fine. Do what YOU need to do, not what I want you to do. My biggest fear is you getting hurt, but as i keep saying thats all I ever seem to do to you. so sorry. anyway...im off to university now.

bye

xxx

[Momene]

We have only heard his side of the story. I don't think your are selfish but I believe that he's always been very fond of you and hoped it would go further than friends. The reason I and others advised him to back off was precisely that he could get hurt.

 

One of the worst things in relationships is where you don't know where you stand. I know what it's like to be confused but unfortunately being confused can hurt the people around you.

 

From his side of the story it sounds like the 2 of you would be good together and if you don't try there will be this nagging feeling that it could have worked...

 

I hope the audition goes well and you can sort your problems out.

[spaggle]

The audition went well. Sorry for blowing my top earlier, it just annoys me when people judge not only me but mine and bens relationship. I also know what it feels like to not know where I stand in a relationship. It sucks big time. Im still a bit confused to why everyone on here thinks it would work, from what ive heard from others experiences is that dating your best friend does not work. Anyway im not going to base my decision on statistics as I feel that would be rather pathetic. Truth is im confused, I tell Ben everything, All that I can and all that I know of myself and my feelings. I have also told sian about my confusion to which she understands completely. Anyway. All I nkow is whatever happens I dont want to lose my friendship with Ben, because that would hurt, and yes the whole reason I am so confused is because I know there will always be this nagging feeling saying what if it had worked? but then thats exactly the same with sian. I promised myself ages ago I would not date another guy and end up hurting him because of my confusion. N so I feel the only way i can find this out about my sexuality is with sian. But I know that WILL make me lose Ben.I feel losing him is in the process now, he wants to back off, its said right here in writing. So it makes it sound like if i date sian I will lose Ben as a friend. Maybe I should just stay single for another 7 months...or become a nun, Maybe "God" or whatever evil being made me (my parents haha, yup they are evil) maybe they created me in a way that I shouldnt love people. Coz whenever me and love is involved. I end up hurting sum1, even if it is myself. So maybe I shouldnt love anyone. I dunno sit in a dark room for the rest of my life...yeah that sounds fun. haha sorry isnt depression fun? Yeha anyway, enough of making myself sound mentally unstable. I just dont want to lose Ben whether it be if we did have a relationship or if we didnt I dont want to lose him. anywway. Im going to sit in the dark now. bye

[RandomAdvisor]

spaggle,

 

You can't have it both ways. Not everyone is going to get to walk away and be happy with this situation. People get hurt. That's love. That's life.

 

It's clear to me that you really are confused because you say so many contradictory things in your posts. You say you don't want to lose your friendship with him, but at the same time you also want to do two things that you know will end the friendship: date him or date this other girl.

 

We have to take risks in life, especially if we want to be happy. If you continue to try and play it safe and make everyone happy, you're going to make yourself very miserable. The best thing you can do at this point is just accept someone is going to get their feelings hurt, and make a decision.

 

If you feel so conflicted that your heart can't tell you which one to choose, you probably wont be happy with either of them. And if thats the way you feel, that's fine. Just be open and honest about both of them with it. That's all anyone could ever ask of you.

[Momene]

When you say your parents are "evil", can you talk to either/both of them about your issues? I've always managed to stay close to my daughter, even though she's going through her teens.

 

I've got a feeling you're genuinely bi but if you want a loving relationship, you will have to pick a partner and stay faithful to them.

[BAS231187]

we spent a long time talking about this today. witch i was planning on doing anyway because it would have been after her audition. need to think abit about what was said befor trying to write a summery on here. but for those who are interested we are talking about this and and trying to find a situation that every one is happy with.

[RandomAdvisor]

but for those who are interested we are talking about this and and trying to find a situation that every one is happy with.

 

Good luck with that. But I still think that unless one of the three of you (you, her, and the other girl) is able to just turn off your feelings/attraction, someone is going to be disappointed/hurt.

[BAS231187]

yer ur right. sarah is still going to go out with sian (the other girl) and we are just going to stay friends. in the mean time im going to look for some one else. maybe if my mind is off those two it wont hurt so much and i can concentrate on getting to know some one who wants me.

 

i would be willing to wait. i really love sarah. but we are both going to uni in a few months and i realised i have never thought about what I want from a relationship. iv never been out with anyone befor. and dont even know what to expect. my mum was taking the piss (not sure if shed had sumthing to drink, it wasnt like her.) she said if i dont get my leg over soon (referring to how close i was with sarah) people at uni will laugh at me. i know this isnt tru but i do feel kinda stupid atm not ever having had a GF befor, never mind loosing my virginity.

 

sarah said a few nights ago that my ability to talk to almost anyone without making a t*t of myself is a very attractive trait. guess its time to c how good at it i really am.

 

thanks to everyone. this has been a good vent of feelings and ur advise is apreciated in such a confusing situation.

[Momene]

Lots of people LEAVE uni as virgins, let alone go there, so your mum's wide of the mark by a long way. One of my daughter's teachers told the class she never even dated before her 19th birthday.

[BAS231187]

it just keeps getting better. lol.

duno why but she aint interested in sian anymore she after another girl. but this time they went straight in to a relationship.

 

we went out to the pub just to meet a friend who wanted a drink and a chat. i was planing on spending the day with sarah so she came too and abi (the girl sarah is now going out with) was with us so she came too. it wasnt long befor saah and abi had there hands on each others legs and after a few more drinks i saw abi bat sarahs hand away under the table. we then went to a diffrent pub to meet up with some more people and in there abi sat on sarahs knee and that started kissing in such a way that all the guys we were with made comments like "ooh lesbian sex" talked to her the next day and she said she never even thought about how i would feel c ing that.

 

next day we went to another pub for a friends 18th. abi wasnt invited but sarah disapeard for 1/2 an hr to be with her and came back and showed my photos theyd taken in a little booth of them kissing. then later when she asked why i was down i told her to stop worrying about me and have do what she wanted with abi id find some one else. she said with a ter in her eye and quite angrily "I dont want u to find some one else"

 

shes insane. and driving me insane at the same bloddy time.

sorry just wanted to vent

[a2000]

She is selfish and totally using you. You should move on. When you go to university.. lose contact with her completely.

[RandomAdvisor]

I know I was one of the "judgemental people" who called her selfish before, but I'll say it again.

 

Details may change with the telling of the story, but these are the only facts that concern me: she was making out with another girl and other obvious displays of affection. Then when you mention you need to find someone else she tells you she doesn't want you to find anyone.

 

Her actions are completely inconsiderate.

 

I agree with a2000. When you go off to college there's no good reason for you to stay in contact with her.

[spaggle]

Dude i was drunk, im sorry. But yeah still the samer thing im scared of losing u but its inevitably going to happen at some point, so i guess just move on and dont worry about me anymore. Do what you have to do. N btw i was holding the photos in my hand and was reluctant to give them to you because of the one of us kissing on them.

Anyway I know im insane...remember. yup yup. Just dont let me make u go insane too.

[spaggle]

If u agree with the others then lose contact with me. Maybe itd be best for you. Im sorry if being my friend isnt good enough for you, and im sorry that me being with someone else hurts you. Id feel the same if you were with sum1 else in fear of losing your friendship. Its a scary thought thinking about how weve spent so much time together, being close and best friends, and now both of us will move appart due to relationships, thats what im scared of when i say i dont want you to find someone else, i love you and the time we spend together. Im terrified of the prospect of us drifting away from each other. But if you feel best losing contact with me when u go to uni, then do so, itll hurt, but if its best for you, then our friendship can be a memory rather than a painful mistake for you.

[Momene]

If you can't be more than a friend then I'm afraid you must expect him to pair off with someone else sooner or later. I know it's hard but it's the way of the world.

 

Good luck.