Need advice about my situation

[Sammy28]

Hi,

 

2 weeks ago today my boyfriend of 6 months ended things suddenly. For 6 months, everything was great. Let me begin by saying I never questioned that he was a genuine person and all the people he introduced me to said the same. All the people I introduced him to also thought he was a genuine, great guy. Well, anyway, things progressed pretty quickly. He was the one who told me he loved me first...even said that he didn't think he really knew what it meant to love someone until he met me. We spent a lot of time together, we even talked about the future and moving in at some point in the next year. We were planning to go to Europe this summer together. A couple weeks before the breakup he took his day off to help me move to a new apartment and even said how he wished it was us doing that, but knew it was too soon to move in together. I gave him keys to my place and he gave me a key to his place. Now, I wasn't the one putting pressure on him...we both talked equally about how we wanted these things for us. He was always very affectionate and told me he loved me often. He was never shy to show his feelings for me. We had both met each other's families...I met his at least 4 times. I met all of his friends and every time someone met me, they'd say, it's so great to meet you, I've heard so many great things about you. I'd hear this is the happiest they had seen him. Why would you talk about someone all the time if you didn't really care about him? I think he did...but anyway. So last Saturday night, we went to his friend's birthday party. He was distant the whole night, so I was upset and confronted him about it. He told me how he hated that he made me feel bad that night. Since he was still acting weird, I asked him, is there something else wrong? The discussion led to whether he still loved me, he said yes. I said, is it because you don't want to be with me anymore? He said no, that's not it, but then finally said, maybe it's best for now if we don't see each other. Of course this was a complete shock...I had no idea he was having any doubts at all. The only contact we've had is through an email the week after the breakup...he said that he was confused and frustrated and was so sorry because I was so wonderful....that he felt something was wrong underneath and he didn't know what it was. He said maybe it was all too much too fast and that maybe he just wasn't ready for all of this...

 

Now, he's 26 and I'm a couple years older. He needs to decide soon whether he is going to grad school because he can't get any further in his career if he doesn't. He is not even sure if that's what he wants to do as a career, so he's confused about that. The thing is, if he thought things were going too fast, he never even mentioned slowing them down to me...and even in his email he said he wanted all those things for us. He said in his email how he thought this was extremely hard, but that he thought it was best to do "for right now" and then said he hoped I would be in his life again someday....but understands if I am angry with him for how he handled things. I have to also mention that he never had a good relationship before me...but we never fought ...we had a great relationship and he said that all along. I know he had a tough childhood..his Mom was an alcoholic and there was always a lot of conflict in his life, so he'd deal with his pain by retreating and playing his guitar. I don't know if his past has anything to do with how he handles things today...seems like he avoided talking to me about any of the things that might have been bothering him...then he just sprung a breakup on me. He is definitely more into the partying stage than I am right now, so that could have something to do with it. Anyway, could any men/women make any sense out of this? A few men I've talked to said he probably freaked out because things were getting really serious and he was scared....but I don't know. Has anyone had this happen and was there ever a good outcome? Guys, have you ever done this before??

[b8s]

this is the exact thing that happened to me. it came as a huge shock he said he loved me we exchanged keys he wanted me to move in etc..... then one day he cant be in a serious relationship..

we work together and that made the breakup really hard then a couple weeks ago we had a fight at work., because of how weird things were at work. and we dont talk at all anymore. it ended with i never want to talk to you again.. etc

 

well at least it was closure. i felt he was scared by how strong his feelings were. but because we dont talk at all anymore and for him too be fine with that and because that is the way he wants it . it makes me think the honeymoon phase ended for him! and he just wanted out .

 

who knows everyone is different.

 

oh yeah he is 26 im 30

[littlefeet]

Hi Sammy,

This is a long post, but I thought some details might help and don't mind sharing, as I remember the confusion and frustration VERY well! Now i just have the frustration sometimes

Roughly the same thing happened to me too. We're even from about the same place up there in the North He is 30, I'm 30. If it helps you to know, he and I went out for just over a year, and he broke up with me right after we talked about resolving our relationship so we could have a proper future together (we started out in the same city, but I moved away to finish a grad school internship). Although I was happy with the idea of a future together, I have to say that this conversation, along with any others, that we had was started by him. I should add that the breakup was the opposite of the thoughtful behavior he showed in our relationship--on the phone, just before a planned holiday for my birthday AND before some research I had to do in his and my "home" city that I could not reschedule. His behavior during the breakup seemed suddenly very desperate, more like that of a dumpee, frankly, and became more adult ONLY after I explained "Sorry, buddy, I'm going to have to do this stuff for work, and I can't make you do this, but I think you should express your wishes to my face, like an adult." He also expressed problems "feeling intimate enough". . . though we shared plenty of intimacy, physical and otherwise.

Whether or not you talk to this guy again, it might help you to know that we almost never know the whole story up front. In the end, I found out some other things about him (maybe there are things you just don't know about your ex), and it makes a bit more sense why this happened, but I doubt it had much to do with anything in particular about me. In the past my ex had expressed many signs of depression, including talking with me about an absense of highs and lows, tiredness, physical (stomach problems), recent onset of severe migraine headaches, etc. that had been going on for more than 2 years. He didn't have many friends or make efforts to have them, had frequent inertia, worked and worked and worked unless we had plans. In the end he said, "Don't project happiness on me. I am not that happy!" (what?) and that he had felt "anguish and agony" caused by me/our relationship. Now, I'm a fairly fun-loving, very softspoken person and am 99% sure I did nothing to cause such turmoil in him! I had been very busy with grad school, to the point that I had to plan time to hang out with my other friends and him. As we're both adults, I suppose I expected him to find his own balance and to talk with me if he felt something was wrong. Back then I wasn't hunting for problems--I simply hadn't put the sum total of them together until after the breakup, while trying, like you, to make sense of it!

I was beginning to love him enough to consider the future, as I described, but since I was the one who started out feeling more like "friends", and since I felt we had enough in common to sustain it, I told him I was fine with thinking about friendship.

I've started to do that after a few months of very limited contact--but HE is still talking about the breakup and frankly, pulling a really childish, mean attitude, and I can't decide if it's simply that he can't respond coherently to anything I say but is off in his own interpretation of the world. He seems very self-absorbed. Ugh! Although he's the only one between us who has mentioned his decision to "split" (tee-hee, that's his actual word for it. . . how aptly put!) and if it was right or not, he keeps going over it and over it and seems stuck back there--while telling me that he needs to feel sure "I've moved on" before we can talk. (hmm. . . who needs to move on?) Keep in mind that this behavior started after I requested my stuff and my apartment key back.

Well, I let him know pretty frankly that I'm fed up with that kind of back and forth, that I've extended my friendship, and that he can let me know if/when he feels ready for that, but I'm not participating in more rehashing of the past with him.

It sounds as though you handled yourself well in this relationship and did nothing that could have influenced your guy's decision to "split". Be strong, take time out--when a guy behaves really ridiculously, or illogically, I've found I get over him really fast! I hope it'll be the same for you. Just be CAREFUL if you want to be his friend. If his emotional stuff goes quite deep, or if he's more immature than you realised, be aware of what's going on and don't let yourself get dragged down in his problems. That's not friendship.

Maybe part of it is that your guy is 26, and he has lots of changes going on. I have a slightly younger brother and he was pretty scared of commitment to a woman my age back then, but he overcame that. Look at my ex--30--still doing the same, only probably the trouble is more deeply seated now! I've had a few friends who have been depressed and had successful treatment. People can have any number of problems, but it's their responsibility to handle them, and at some point the outside excuses for a problem need to stop. Does any of us really want to be with a partner who isn't a partner, who can't make a constructive effort to address his/her issues before chalking it up to a relationship being wrong--or more important, someone who can't take responsibility for why he needs to leave? Sometimes it is the relationship, but a couple has to be in a place where they can see that clearly, past the film of "outside issues".

Take care & feel free to mail me if you want to talk privately. You sound like you're handling this really well, but if you feel the need to reread your journal, rethink the relationship, etc., I think it's worth the time spent doing that. Just be sure to have plenty of fun with your friends and take care of eating, sleeping, exercising at the same time!

[Sammy28]

Thank you both for your responses. I have thought a lot about why this might have happened and I've realized that like you said Littlefeet, it probably has nothing to do with me, but has to do with his own issues. My ex once told me he had an addictive personality and he should know because he studied psychology and sociology. I looked up 'addictive personality' and found that it means you feel wonderful when everything is going great, but once there is the slightest problem, you retreat and avoid issues instead of dealing with them. You are addicted to the high...for example, the high of a new relationship. Well, I must also say that in his last relationship...one that lasted over 4 years...they had broken up and gone back out a few times. If that is the way he deals with a problem...breaking up and going back out..well, I want none of that. Maybe he thinks we'll be together again once he resolves any of these issues he has, but I'm not in high school...I won't break up and go back out with someone multiple times. But anyway, I agree that he might have an addictive personality...he smokes, I don't. In my opinion he drinks too much...and I never really confronted him on it, but looking back, I think that's true. He had jokingly made some comment a week before our breakup saying, I'll never live to 80 years old. And I said, well, maybe if you stopped smoking you would....and he was like, I wouldn't have to quit just that...I'd have to stop drinking too. Why would you need to stop drinking if you didn't have a drinking problem? Maybe he thinks he has a problem, but can't admit it?? Anyway, I think if he had never quit smoking (although he said he wanted to...didn't seem like he wanted to try anytime soon though), that could have become a big issue. I would never want to get married to someone if I had to think that maybe someday they would die from lung cancer. And although I enjoy going out and getting drinks with friends, he seems to enjoy doing it a lot more than I do. So again, another problem which I might have overlooked when we were dating. It didn't affect me that much, but I know I may have gotten sick of it at some point. So really, I think he might be stuck in a stage that he doesn't want to get out of yet. That and he has no idea how to deal with issues other than just avoiding them. I can't date someone who can't communicate their feelings to me....he's great at communicating that he's happy and in love with me, but I seriously can't remember when he ever told me when he was unhappy with something that happened between us. Obviously, he was unhappy with something or he wouldn't have broken things off. And again, he had a rough childhood...experimented with a lot of things...had friends die of drug overdoses....had issues with his parents. He's surprisingly well adjusted now and no one would ever know these things happened by talking to him.....but maybe they've affected him way more than I originally thought. Maybe he still has to deal with some deep seeded issues before he can be in a good relationship. So....now that I've told you this stuff....any more insight for me?

[littlefeet]

Well, it's good that I'm spending this beautiful day in front of my computer, after all. You know, it sounds like we might have been going out with a similar kind of guy. I think you've got a handle on what might have happened, but even if it's not what you're suspecting, it's still clear that this guy isn't right for you--as you said, he has to be able to communicate when something is feeling wrong without automatically running away from the whole relationship. My ex "appeared" to be just what I was looking for--a well-adjusted guy who had lots in common with me--he, also, came accross as a "nice guy", very well adjusted, but also from a tough childhood--while his parents both loved him, I can say he never experienced what healthy adult relationships are like. He needed a LOT of attention during our relationship and ironically, he was always asking for reassurance from me about how I felt and saying someday I would get tired of him. . . . Of course at the time, it sticks out as odd, but back then it was "spread out" during a relationship that I perceived as peaceful and happy. The bottom line, though, is that when we grow up, part of that is taking responsibility for our weaknesses. There are lots of people who are prone to addictive behavior, who suffer from depression and other disorders, who come from tough childhoods--and who are great partners and spouses because they've decided to sort out their issues.

 

I hope you've got lots of friends around who will support your need to get out and have fun right now to help you get over this. Another thing that helps is talking it all out, figuring it out, and then putting limits on how long you'll dwell on it (especially until it stops upsetting you). I know one thing that upset me a lot was that if I'd been a "buddy" of his, I would probably have said, um. . . have you considered talking over this stuff with a counselor or dealing with your physical symptoms by going to the doctor? But I'm not in that position, and he's carefully kept all of his other friends to "phone, email, and visit from faraway places once or twice a year" people--or just acquaintances. There's a point when there's just nothing more one can do. That's hard, but it makes moving forward easier in some ways.

Good luck!

[Sammy28]

Thanks Littlefeet...you're right, I think we did date a similar type guy, but the guy I dated had lots of friends. However, a lot of these friends drink and party a lot, it seems. So it's not like he's getting away from any of the bad influences. I like to drink...it's when it becomes too often that it's a problem. He just seems to do it too much... And the thing is, he's not unhappy when he's drinking...he was always good to me. But I know he's drinking too much because he often has hangovers on the weekends...and we're not in college anymore, so that's not good. Oh yeah, his brother's now ex girlfriend emailed me today. I didn't know they had broken up and she didn't know we had broken up. Her reason for breaking up with my ex's brother? Well, she said he had a drinking problem and he got moody and introverted so she couldn't date him anymore. And seeing that his parents also drink too much...I believe it runs in the family sometimes. I think my ex needs to get himself together and stop doing the things that could eventually destroy him. Maybe he realizes this and doesn't want to drag me into it..and that's why he broke up with me. Who knows...but yeah, it's out of my control and does make me feel a little better about moving on.... I need to find someone more stable who will deal with problems in an adult way. It's too bad because my ex is a really good guy in so many ways....but obviously not in the ways I need him to be....he just can't be a good boyfriend. He did a good job of seeming like he could be for a while though...only now am I seeing the red flags that I ignored when we were dating. Seems like love is blind sometimes...

[littlefeet]

Hi Sammy,

It's pretty clear these days that alcoholism often runs in families, though I only know from witnessing the pattern in my extended family. I am not sure if it's specifically "alcoholism" or simply any addictive behavioral tendency. You sound like you're doing great--and it is too bad. I feel that way as well. But think of it this way: if you were mostly able to be happy in the relationship, if you could see those good qualities in him, if you feel you gave it your best and weren't hunting for faults--then you showed him love. That's really the best we can do for people sometimes, and it's a gift. It shows that you do have what it takes to seriously consider commitment and to be happy with another person. Good for you. . . you'll be feeling just fine again in little time, I bet.

[littlefeet]

Sorry--goodness, I must be tired! I meant it's too bad about HIM, not that you're doing great! Having been there recently, I feel somewhat familiar with the thoughts that must be going through your mind at times, and you seem like a very strong person.