Started Counselling yesterday... :-( LONG ONE< SORRY GUYS )

[Phoenix69]

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Hello Everybody.

I have been posting on enotalone for just over a month now. And I'd like to say a big thanks to everybody on here. So many of the threads have helped me since my breakup and get back together with my BF of 2 years. Yesterday I went to my first counselling session. I have had things happen to me in my life that have had more of an effect on me than I knew. Everything has come to a head since I broke up with the BF. So I decided that enough was enough and it was time for me to deal with it.

 

I have been back with S for about three weeks now. At first I was really glad we were back together. After a semi getting back together talk we established that he had made a mistake when he broke up with me and wanted to work things out. This was what I had been waiting two years to hear. That he wanted to be with me. That he loved me enough to try. S cheated on me in the very beginning of our relationship. I was devastated. And yet I stayed with him. I figured that I loved him enough to give him a second chance. We were then together for a further year and a half. He changed his ways. But he wasn't affectionate. And my constant fear that he was cheating on me, became my undoing. I wanted him to be jealous. So I flirted a little with an ex. Who reciprocated and flirted back. I didn't plan on S finding the texts. I lied when he confronted me about it. It was nice to be told how sexy I was and how much he missed me (by the ex). I was however completely and madly in love with S and all I wanted to achieve by doing this was him to show me some passion and give me some affection and basically tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Cause even though we were living together, it never felt like it.

 

Now that we are back together and he has told me that he can't trust me because his "gut feeling" is that I have cheated on him. I haven't. I couldn't. I love him and him only and have done for two years, even after how much he hurt me in the beginning. I know what I did was wrong and I know I should never have played with other peoples feelings and as the old saying goes, You mess with fire you get burnt.

 

Last night he came and spent the night because he knew I would need the cuddles after counselling because things from my past already have raised their ugly heads. We ended up in a semi argument because I brought up speaking to my ex when we broke up. The problem is that it was perfectly innocent, in fact I was telling my ex that I wouldn't be contacting him again because it hurt S so much. I told S that I had seen him because I wanted to be honest, because their was nothing to hide. But he is mistaking me bringin it up when he didn't even know about it, for bringing it up because I feel guilty and want to get in there first before someone else tells him. This is ripping me up inside because the only person I ever want or wanted to be with was him. It hurts that no matter what I do or say, nothing can change his mind. Not even the fact that even after all the crap we have been through together, when I could've and maybe should've walk away and never looked back when he dumped me three weeks ago, I am still there, still loving him and being with him 80% of my time. It hurts so bad that words don't mean a thing anymore. And despite my actions of going back to him after HE dumped ME, and trying my hardest to show him how much I love him and want to be with him, it just isn't enough!

 

I am thinking of going out and buying us each a ring that we would wear all the time. With those rings I am going to tell him exactly how I feel about him. I will say that the rings are a symbol of the fact that we are starting a new relationship, and put the last one behind us. To give each other BOTH a clean slate, because there are things that he has done in the not so distant past that have dodged me out too I just haven't said anything. If I can move on from those things, then he should be willing to give me the same. I will tell him that he is only to take the ring if he is willing to give it 100% effort.

Does anyone think this is a good idea? Or am I just pro longing the enivitable?

I don't want to break up with him because I know he loves me, but it's killing me that he won't believe me when I tell him I love him back...

[itsallgrand]

Ohh it sucks how things come back to bite us sometimes, eh?

 

Honestly, I think you are 'bargaining' for his love. I don't think the ring is a good idea at this point, but that is my opinion.

 

It sounds like you are working hard on figuring out your own deal, and in the progress a lot of feelings and unsaid things are coming up. And now you're dealing with them. I sense unspoken feelings and words yet.

 

As difficult as it is, the past is the past and can not be changed. You can only focus on what is going on now. That's all you have, really.

Very often, when we have a long history with someone, it can not all simply be forgotten ...though we would like for it to be...it needs to be addressed, however things turn out after that.

 

I think you two are still figuring things out. It's becoming a little uncomfortable.

 

Trust the process. If you two are meant to be together, your trust will continue to grow as you go, as will the communication (is it improving?).

 

best luck.

[Lunabelle]

Is it possible for you to edit your post, the purple, while cute, is very hard to read and looks tiny. Also, splitting up the post with line breaks is very helpful. You may get more responses if people can read your post easier (?) Good luck!

[DN]

I wanted him to be jealous. So I flirted a little with an ex. Who reciprocated and flirted back. I didn't plan on S finding the texts.

 

I don't understand this. If you wanted him to be jealous why didn't you plan on him finding the texts?

[Phoenix69]

Not the texts that he found, because they were quite bad.

[DN]

Not the texts that he found, because they were quite bad.

 

Right - so it was more than just trying to make him jealous.

 

The point I am trying to make is that if you are not entirely honest with yourself about your motivations in messaging with the ex then you can't be entirely honest with him - and if he realises that it will make him doubt your love for him now.

 

for instance you said this I flirted a little with an ex. but then you said this

Not the texts that he found, because they were quite bad.

[Phoenix69]

I don't really know why I did it though. I wanted him to be jealous, and I knew by flirting with other people it would make him jealous. I don't know how I thought it was going to work out that way, just knew that it would.