Difficult Work Friendship

[GH2001]

I have been in love with a woman at work for the last ten months. I am married (15 years) with two kids and she is married (22 years) with two kids. I have never been more in love with a woman in my life and obviously we cannot do anything about this due to our home situations.

 

Her marriage is horrible and mine is of course taking a heavy beating. I don't love my wife anymore. The woman at work is mildly flirtatious with those who she is very close to at work and this is what got me going (my marriage has been becoming increasingly frustrating for the past seven years and this has just made it worse as I find myself just wanting to get away from my wife). I have expressed my feelings to the woman at work, mainly to warn her about my heart. After this she asked what had she had done to attract me to her and I told her. This was in January.

 

Before I confessed my feelings, she was asking me to go over with her to grab some take-out lunch at a local café and we would talk seemingly for hours every week. The conversations were those I had always dreamed about, when I was younger, that I would have with my future wife. I went a couple of weeks without talking or even looking at her to try and get over her. This really made her feel bad. She has been ultra-careful about "not leading me on" since I told her what she did to make me fall in love. For example she has gone back to going to the café alone. I have never asked her to do anything and she would be unwilling to do anything anyway even if I did ask.

 

I will be changing departments soon and will not be working directly with her soon. This is breaking my heart even more, even though we are just a couple of cubes away.

 

I don't know how to handle this relationship that is love (trying to tone it down to just friendship) for me and friendship for her. I have tried to break it off a couple of times and she seems unwilling almost forcing me to be her friend. It always seems to be on her terms though.

[NJRon]

You are in a very confused state. You are getting your emotions riled up and it's to no good end. Her marriage is in a similar state as your own. Of course she wants the attention.

 

Do yourself a favor and break it off entirely. If she were a true frined, she would be supportive. Deal with your own issues with your marriage on their own merit. Don't let emotions over someone else cloud your judgement.

[GH2001]

What is the best way to break off a friendship when you work so closely together? Maybe find a new job? My "Relationship Quotient" is pretty low.

 

I tried setting up rules "to just talk shop" but neither of us were really good at adhering to that. I agree that she is looking for attention.

[NJRon]

I work with a lot of poeple. Do you have to actually do business with her? or is it that you work in the same location? If the latter, then a simple discussion letting her know that you can't carry on any sort of communictaion with her should suffice. If the former, then yeah, since she doens't seem to be willing to let go, you may need to move.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

The woman at work is mildly flirtatious with those who she is very close to at work

 

Sounds like she flirts with other weak willed people as a way to escape her bad marriage. Are you sure that's not what you're doing too? Maybe its the excitement of something new, lust, not love. And if you do love her? The only thing to do is the honorable thing (as much honor as you can have from this). Try to work things out with your wife. If the latter is impossible then file for divorce before pursuing anything with this woman. Don't rip your family apart by cheating. You are walking a very dangerous line.

[GH2001]

I am pretty sure it is love. I know it is not lust because I don't think about that aspect much at all. We are a small team of five persons and work in an office of about 30. The business is changing and I am moving to another sub team but I am still just a couple of cubes away and there is a chance that I will continue to work with her but not as much.

[whatchamacallit]

GH, I was in EXACTLY the same work/love situation! We were both married, fell in love (or lust), left our spouses for each other, lived together for a year and separated about 9 months ago. All this while working together. How we didn't get fired, I'll never know! We see each other at work everyday. We still carried on a relationship after we split. This has been the most difficult period in my life. He is the love of my life, but due to difficult family situations, decided it was best to separate. It was and is a horrible mess. Especially our hearts are in a mess. While you both are getting the attention you desparately need, I urge you with all the urging I can do to please not go forward with this. I never knew the far-ranging effects of our actions! Everyday I think if only I had pretended not to love him. If only I or we had stopped. And believe me...we tried. But, one thing lead to another and here I am facing a very lonely life without him, heartbroken and in miserable emotional pain. I lost my family and gave them pain too. The high of your relationship is incomparable. But, there's so much damage involved. Please go to link removed and read posts from Wayward spouses, betrayed spouses, etc. I think that is the website. If it's not, I'll write back and give you the proper one.

[whatchamacallit]

It's link removed

[GH2001]

I don't think the relationship is "exactly" the same as she is not interested in anything but friendship and has told me as much (not that I asked her to do anything mind you.) I have read Helen Fisher's book on the Anatomy of Love, the history of Monogomy, Adultery, and Divorce. It is really an eye opener. It speaks of the average timeframe of the Attraction phase of love as being about 18 to 36 months. I am hoping the brain chemistry that controls this attraction will desensitize my feelings after that amount of time.

 

I will check the link removed site and see if there is any advice there as well. Thanks for the help.

[Momene]

I felt like that about a girl at work once but I'm glad I didn't pursue it. Hopefully the attraction will wear off.

[GH2001]

I am lucky in a way because I am almost certain that she is not attracted. I have noticed on some other threads here that women are nearly impossible to read (body language and all). I think one of the earlier posters had it right when he said that she is just looking for attention. What does everyone make of the hurt feelings she felt when I stopped talking to her?

 

The tough part about working on my relationship at home is that I probably should have started about a year ago before this attraction started. Now I have to burn this one out before I can move on to work on my relationship at home. I had myself brainwashed for many years that our relationship was untouchable. The stress and longing for this woman has caused me to retreat into my own world between the ears at home.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Just my two cents... unless and until you are legally divorced, you have no business taking this further with her or anyone else. If you're that miserable in your marriage, then you should get out, if your staying then make the best of it.

[GH2001]

Just my two cents... unless and until you are legally divorced, you have no business taking this further with her or anyone else. If you're that miserable in your marriage, then you should get out, if your staying then make the best of it.

 

Measuring how bad my marriage is I am thinking will require some clear thought. Right now I am under the influence of the love chemical in the brain phenylethylamine (PEA), hence I know my thinking is not clear. However, a respected friend of mine emphatically stated that I am in-love with this woman because of how the relationship developed and other comments that I have made that don't depend upon the physical. I have worked with her for about two years now but the attraction did not build until about a year ago. Another co-worker, who had called it infatuation for months has now admitted that he thinks I am in love.

 

I am fully aware of the pain a divorce would cause. Because this other woman seems to be uninterested, I guess I really don't have a problem outside of the heartbreak I feel at home and at work. It is just the longing and pineing to be in a relationship with her that is killing me and will likely kill me for the next year or two until my brain develops a resistance to the PEA.

 

I was one of those who judged people very harshly in situations like this. Now I can see why the divorce rate is so high and why so many people live miserable lives.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

No, I'm not judging harshly, i have known people who were married and left their spouse for someone else, and into a much happier marriage. So it does happen, but that doesn't make it ok to carry on while you're still married, you must decide, and do the right thing. Another thing is i don't get the feeling that this married woman in question is on the brink of leaving her husband for you? is she? if no, then you are looking at a moot point, my friend.

[GH2001]

No, I'm not judging harshly, i have known people who were married and left their spouse for someone else, and into a much happier marriage. So it does happen, but that doesn't make it ok to carry on while you're still married, you must decide, and do the right thing. Another thing is i don't get the feeling that this married woman in question is on the brink of leaving her husband for you? is she? if no, then you are looking at a moot point, my friend.

 

No, she is not looking at leaving her husband. I agree that it is a moot point; however, she seems hurt when I ignore her. Once she called me on the phone and asked why I was ignoring her and a second time she stopped by my cube and asked why I was avoiding her. Of course it is difficult in my state of mind to just say, "take a hike." How does one, and is it possible, to tone down feelings for another to just the friendship level I guess is what I am asking? Are there any counteragents to PEA?

[GH2001]

I guess it also goes back to the age old question, "Are platonic relationships possible?"

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well, she has probably considered you a platonic friend for all this time and now you are telling her you will not be her platonic friend. So like anyother friend she feels you are dumping her through no fault of her own. I have male friends at work and i wouldn't like it if they suddenly said they wouldn't be my friend anymore. How to tone that down? I have no idea. If there's one thing I know for sure, we cannot pick and choose who we like and who we don't. it just happens. you'll have to put things back into reality though, to help the situation. Again, you should look into your own marriage. If it's really miserable, you should decide if you want to take steps to improve it or if you just want to get out. then proceed from there.

[GH2001]

Yeah, that is what makes the situation so difficult. I might have gone from co-worker for about a year to in-love while she has remained steady at platonic. One thing I did not mention is that I am not used to any woman being interested in being my friend. I did not have much of a dating life and women typically avoided me.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well I don't know some guys are more approachable as friend types than others, but regardless, she probably just thinks of you as a friend and hopes you guys can just go back the way it was. Can you?

 

I should mention, that THIS is exactly why some women are apprehensive about becoming friends with men.

[GH2001]

I should mention, that THIS is exactly why some women are apprehensive about becoming friends with men.

 

Amen to that comment. It is the Venus and Mars thing again, I will admit it.

 

She has expressed wanting to go back to the old way of interacting. I would too. I guess time will tell if I can. Have you heard of the ladder theory?

[GH2001]

It is not pretty, and I am sure there are exceptions but it is an interesting analysis of the difference between men and women and how they view male-female relationships. Again; however, I guess I should comment again that I really believe it is more than physical in my brain. We started out as friends but it escalated in my mind with some of her flirting.

 

link removed

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

No I haven't heard of the ladder theory? Maybe I should check it out. But any way let me know how things go. I think you can get this back under wraps, as we discussed it appears to be your best, if not your only alternative.

[GH2001]

The ladder theory is really Pop psychology, kind of like a joke with a moral. This is an unusual relationship for me for a couple of reasons. 1) She wants to be my friend while most women probably laugh behind my back and 2) The physical attraction, while there for me, is not predominant.

[whatchamacallit]

GH, When I went to link removed I came accross some posts that mention the wayward spouse being in a "fog". Maybe that's the PEA thing that lasts 18-36 months? I know I had it. You're delussioned to believe that this one person is perfect and you set them up on a pedastal assured that he/she can satisfy all your needs. Looking at an oasis when we're in a dessert looks so satisfying. But, when we get there we see it was all an illusion. We started out as friends and had a mutual dislike of our marriage that we began talking about together. I guess an emotional affair. That assuredly leads to a physical affair. We thought everything would be just peachy hence the word "fog". Have you looked at her lifestyle and the children situation for both of you? I thought I would be fine with it and all our kids would be happy for us and get along wonderfully. WRONG!!! I have two grown children and he has two younger children. It's just a sad situation. Maybe your friend wants the security of her marriage and allows herself to flirt for the attention you give her. I found myself doing that. I really didn't want to leave my marriage if the truth be known, but ultimately did. Now, we're going our separate ways, all the while working together. GH, it's HELL!!! Believe me as one who has done it. But, I don't know what would change the situation. You need your job and I suppose she does too. It would take a very strong emotional willpower to overcome this. I couldn't. I think staying away, keeping busy, and trying to work on your marriage would help. Keep posting here. I want to see if you make it through. My heart goes out to you.

[GH2001]

Thanks,

I will keep posting with updates.