thinking about sending this email.

[blender]

Deejay, you sent some kind words to her, now move on, let go, take care of YOU, learn from all this, and now try to get to the other side of this heartache... she may not respond and that is "okay", I know you will be disappointed if she does NOT respond, but know that you did what you thought was right, and that is all that matters, YOU are going to be great, even better, just try to "let go" for today..and put things in "fate's" hands but take the Lessons of all this with you on your life journey... everything does happen for a reason and I think you went through all this with her, so you will be more prepared for the "real" love of your life... everything is exactly as it should be in this moment.. so relax, give yourself a break from the "wondering" and be good to yourself.. at least you are willing to know you would like to have an honest, loving, fun, sexy, great, kind, smart, girl in your life, and you will... life lessons are getting you ready for the "real" one... but in "fate's" time clock... so be patient and give yourself credit for having the courage to risk your heart and send that email.. it's nice, and now you will always know you took that chance..and that is great... no more worries, the best is yet to come for you...

[Daddy Bear]

if she doesn't reply, at least you got the orang off your back and you made a gallant farewell gesture, so don't feel like it was wasted effort.

[majord23]

deejay,

Just so you know mate, I sent an email to my ex over a week ago. I had re-established contact 2 months after the break-up (1 month NC), she replied to my first email but the second one was ignored (admittedly I hadn't asked any questions, so there was technically no *need* for her to reply).

 

The email I sent was one to give me closure, as I think yours will give you. I didn't like the thought of things ending in a childish manner (her ignoring my contact) and I wanted to take control and be adult about the situation.

 

My email was short and stated that I had the impression that she didn't want to stay in touch which was fine, that I thought she was a great girl and I wished her all the best for the future. I also said that despite the fact that we didn't work out, I was glad that I met her.

 

Once I sent it, I felt relief. This was me saying goodbye, not taking any parting shots (I haven't said a harsh word to her since the break-up and didn't want to leave a bad impression). I have not received a reply and to be honest I don't want one.

 

There is comfort in the fact that the last time I will (possibly) ever have contact with her is me being nice and wishing her well in the future. I also know that if she ever reflects on me, then that will be the last memory she will have - me being adult and classy.

 

You've done the same mate, and now we walk away and onto better things.

[deejay74]

thanks for those kind words blender, i appreciate it, it made me feel better. it's a hard concept to think everything is exactly how it should be at this moment b/c it doesn't feel that way, but i am sure you know what i mean. i hope the best is yet to come!

 

 

 

majord23, you've been on this board for a while now too and i've followed just about all your posts and responses, and you've always offered great advice so to hear you've done something similar to me makes me feel like what i did wasn't so bad. i was feeling kind of guilty after sending it because i was worried it would make me look like a fool again. i hope that both of our ex's will have fond memories of us as we tried to leave things the best that we could.

 

iceman26, crvers, slightlybent, blender, and everyone else - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!! it truly means a lot to me and i feel better after reading your replies. i am glad that i have done what i could to leave things on a positive note. i think i can walk away from this with my chin up, knowing i put forth some effort to smooth things out between my ex and me.

[deejay74]

i just thought of something funny. what if my ex has my email blocked? i don't think she did as she has 2 email addresses, which i sent to both, and she hasn't blocked me from AIM.

 

but wouldn't it be ironic if she did?

 

btw, still no response as of today.

[blender]

Deejay,

 

hang in there, and I wouldn't worry about her email being blocked, right now you are left "wondering" how she felt about your last email..but instead concentrate on how YOU feel about sending it, you said your peace and that's a good thing, if you can for today, try to "let go".

 

All is as it should be in this moment, even if it hurts like hell, you are growing, changing, and this relationship could be the "exact" bridge you needed to a better you, and even to the most wonderful girl for you.. Fate has a way of "preparing" us for things, and at the time we just don't know "why" we have to suffer through heartache, but the fact is "heartache in life is "inevitable", but "suffering" because of it, is a "choice".

 

For today "choose" not to suffer, the heartache itself is enough to deal with..You have hurt so much, we all know how difficult this is... this is a tough time because even though we might send an email just to "let go in a nice way"...well it's still hard not to have some "expectation" that they will respond.. but you will be "okay", heck, even better if she does not respond.... although I know that's so hard to understand right now..but unless she "wants" to try again, it would be so much better if she just didn't respond.. do you know what I mean?

 

You can feel good about sending those kind words, but the rest of it, you are powerless over, like her "reaction" to it, or 'if she will respond", that's all in Fate's hands... So try to think about what you do have "control" over and it's your "choice" to be proud of sending a nice email, and not following it up with a call, or contacting her again.. you have the class to let go at this point.. she will eventually contact you if you "let go"... but even if she does contact you it might not be the "reasons" you would like her to..

 

For now I'm sure she's dealing with her own issues, and probably trying to "avoid" thinking about an obligation to respond to you.. and that's good.. let time and space go by for today, and then when she doesn't feel any vibes coming from you, she may want to reach out.. but "no-contact" is the only way to get to a place where YOU feel better about YOU and then is she does "reach out" well YOU will then be in a better emotional place to "talk to her with new found confidence" and that's well, that's "sexy".

 

However if she does NOT reach out..well then "no-contact" will have helped you heal and move on.. We've all been there, and "no-contact" for me was so difficult, I had to write notes all over my house, saying "don't call him", "let him go", "if it's meant to be it will be", I even had a calendar and I would mark off how many days went by.. it was all so painful, but as days went by and I started to "accept" that he was NOT reacting to my "no-contact" well that was another hurdle to get over... but I just kept telling myself, don't contact him because: "you can't go to the hardware store for bread"...and I knew I could NOT talk him into "us" and I had to keep up "no-contact"

 

I was right where you are now, I had that last kind words towards him conversation. (secretly hoping it would make him love me more) and then I let go..hoping he would contact me..and it was so tough...

 

I made it one day a time, a commitment to my OWN SELF to let him go..after all did I really have an option? Nope, but when our hearts ache we truly let our minds drive us crazy with "what if's?"

 

My ex did eventually contact me, twice, it was 8 months later and by that time, yes, I still had "some" feelings for him.. but god I'm so grateful my heart had been broken, I know that sounds weird, but I learned so much from all the tears, the will power from "no contact" and I just wasn't interested in getting a "fix" from him anymore, so I actually ignored the "contact" that I had hoped for..for so long... I simply "let go"... and I'm so much happier now.. I promise you, be confident that life has a plan for you...just believing this will give you some comfort..because it's so true....

 

Pain is in the "resistance" not in the "accpetance" of how things are... You're doing great, give yourself credit, and try to let go... and please let us know how you're doing and if she does contact you... all the best, Blender

[Daddy Bear]

if she doesn't reply, it matters little whether she blocked you or not. the important thing is that you knew enough to make such a gesture, which shows that you regret whatever bad things you said and that you have learned from your mistakes. you are free to move on with your head up.

[Iceman26]

if she doesn't reply, it matters little whether she blocked you or not. the important thing is that you knew enough to make such a gesture, which shows that you regret whatever bad things you said and that you have learned from your mistakes. you are free to move on with your head up.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[deejay74]

blender, once again, reading your profound words has made me feel better. thanks one more time, and by the way, i sent you a PM.

 

if she doesn't reply, it matters little whether she blocked you or not. the important thing is that you knew enough to make such a gesture, which shows that you regret whatever bad things you said and that you have learned from your mistakes. you are free to move on with your head up.

 

that's so true, i just thought it would be kind of funny if she did. that's all i really wanted, to walk away from this with some dignity intact. i think i have made a good attempt in doing so, and at the very least, the last thing she's heard from me was positive.

 

sending the email has helped, honestly - even though i would be disappointed if i don't get a response.

 

and iceman, thanks again for your replies.

[Iceman26]

No worries man, glad to help!

[Daddy Bear]

No worries man, glad to help!

couldn't agree more.

[deejay74]

i am just posting today to get some thoughts and feelings out, no real purpose but i am always open to and thoughts or opinions.

 

okay, so it's been 6 days since i sent the email and i got exactly what i expected - no response. now even though this is exactly what i expected, i am disappointed that i didn't even get a response that said "no, i don't think meeting up would be a good idea". i have to admit, i am also a bit angry and feel disprespected by a lack of response. i didn't expect that from my ex because she seemed like a thoughtful, responsible adult while we were going out. at the end of the day, all i wanted to was to be a mature adult by admitting my mistakes post break up and at the very least, to leave things on good terms. forget about getting back together or remaining friends, i just don't want there to be any hard feelings or resentment or awkwardness if i see her again because i still care about her as a person regardless.

 

what's funny is i thought about how she went on about her ex while we were going out. the very first time i met her, she ran into her ex while walking down the street in manhattan with me. they just said hi and gave eachother a kiss on the cheek. a few months later, when we were officially going out, she saw him at this outdoor dance party we were at and her best friend from texas with this us. i remember she spotted him and said "oh my god! there's steve" and basically ran up to him with her best friend and left me alone for a little while. then a couple of months later, she found out he was moving to china for a job and she found out about this through a friend. she was upset that he even didn't tell her and she wrote her ex an email when she found out. while we were going out, she would talk about how into his art he was and how that came before her. she also mentioned that i was a much better bf than him. but the reason why i bring this up is that it seems like i became her and she became her ex when we were going out. my ex was so wrapped up in her school and other things, and i was secondary. this wasn't the case at first, but happened after she started school. and then, she found out he had a girlfriend and said "i hear he's dating a fat chick" and didn't sound happy about it. oh, let me add that she had been broken up with her ex for about a year and was briefly involved with a few guys before me from what she told me.

 

then after she broke up with me, i was hurt naturally and did a couple of stupid things and now it seems like she wants nothing to do with me. but yet, she knows how hurtful it is to be dumped cuz she was by her ex, and obviously she was still in contact with him afterwards and was happy to see him those times we ran into him.

 

so what's so bad about me? what did i do that was so friggin awful that she wants nothing to do with me? i just don't get it.

 

this is defintely helping me to move on but i just don't understand why i feel like such a bad guy. what i did post break up wasn't all that bad and i was sorry. she should understand how i feel but obviously doesn't care.

[blender]

I'm sure she does care, but perhaps not in the way you want her to. You will get through all this, and you can feel good about getting your feelings out to her.

 

But as difficult as it is that she did not respond..yet, be grateful that she at least does have the respect not to respond because perhaps she feels/knows that you would not want anything less then another "try". And you might even get that with her...in time.. but for today, try to be in acceptance that fate may have another plan for you. And it will be as wonderful as your attitude, once you can move past this loss. I know it so painful, but this is part of the process of letting go... and in truly letting go, things have a way of getting to the right place for us.

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting/wondering, I've been there too, and it's tough, really tough.. but once I accepted that I was "powerless" over all of it, and I let it go, (of course my mind would go over and over and over most of it time and again) but I tried to just think about myself, and what I really needed to work on to make my life okay with or without my ex. This step really has to take place first...and then the healing begins.. and in my case, eight months later the ex started to contact me.. but I chose not to respond.

 

We're all here for you. You're going to get through this, feel good about yourself and remember she does NOT define you. You do.

[majord23]

 

this is defintely helping me to move on but i just don't understand why i feel like such a bad guy. what i did post break up wasn't all that bad and i was sorry. she should understand how i feel but obviously doesn't care.

 

deejay, hang in there pal.

 

You feel like a bad guy because she didn't respond - you assume that anger is her motivation for not replying.

 

But look at her options here mate:

 

1) Ignore your email: This leaves you wondering why she hasn't replied. It makes you wonder if she is angry, or if she just doesn't care enough to respond. It makes you feel bad.

 

2) Respond in anger This makes HER look like the 'bad girl'. It leaves you with the chance to walk away thinking "What a right b*tch". It makes her *look* bad.

 

3) Respond politely It validates your email, makes you feel as though everything is 'ok' between you. It makes you feel good.

 

In your ex's mind, option number 1 is the one that sticks out as being the one to cause you the most angst, and also keep you in a 'submissive position'. It is the option that allows her to *think* that she has walked away the winner from this - because in spite of the hurt she has caused you, it was YOU who wanted to make amends.

 

Ever had someone you're annoyed with say something *slightly* offensive to you? Something that perhaps didn't really bother you that much at all?

 

Imagine if they then apologised for it, and you started 'milking' it....overreacting and being more offended than what you would normally be....JUST because you were already annoyed with that person. The more they apologise, the more you protest at what they said.

It's just to make them feel bad - it;s because you sense that they are in a submissive position...so you pounce.

 

It sounds nasty, it IS nasty....but it sometimes happens.

 

BUT the satisfaction is short-lived deejay. On reflection you realise that that behaviour was childish and vindictive and you actually feel worse for having acted that way. That is what your ex is facing.

You didn't do anything *that* bad, and she knows it - but she is seizing the opportunity to make you feel like the bad guy mate.....don't let her make you feel anything.

 

Stop focussing on her actions, and focus on yours. What you did was classy and mature - and you will not regret it.

 

You extended an olive branch and offered your ex the opportunity to leave things on good terms...how can you possibly regret that?

Even in years to come, you will look back and *know* that you did the right thing - and that is ALL that matters now mate, NOT the fact that she didn't respond.

 

You can sleep at night deejay knowing that you are decent guy - your ex, on the other hand, will end up facing up to the fact that she ignored that decent guy.

She walked away from a man who had once loved her and tried to build a bridge at the end. That is her problem my friend, NOT yours.

 

You won't give this email a second thought in a little while pal, but rest assured that this email will end up on your ex's mind somewhere down the track - and she will realise that ignoring it was a mistake.

 

Stay strong mate - my email was sent almost 2 weeks ago, and I have no response. We didn't have harsh words AT ALL after the break-up, yet I am still being ignored.

And I don't care - because I know that the email was a nice thing to do. You'll feel the same soon.

[blender]

God it's so true Major, that when they do not respond, as much as it hurts us, maybe, just maybe, eventually when something in thier life reminds them of us, they are left with the "I never responded, and now it's starting to linger in my mind"... let it linger, you did the right thing Deejay... you can have the peace of trying one more time... now try to let go..and let her run into herself... and hope the best for her, you will be okay.. you really will, listen to major, he's giving you some thoughtful words.

[deejay74]

once again, thanks so much for your replies major and blender. it truly has made me feel better about the situation and i am so glad both of you can provide me with a different perspective on things.

 

i'm feeling pretty good today - it's been exactly 1 week since the email was sent. i did what i could and i can't do anything more (well, i *could* but it would only make me look really, really foolish) to show my ex i just wanted to smooth things over between us. her lack of reaction is a big indication on how she feels.

 

well, now i have to keep letting time do it's thing. it's been a very rocky 4 months and a week since the break up. i have learned so much about relationships (i've read 3 books about relationships and breakups) and myself (via therapy, friends, and this site) and i can't wait for the day when my ex is no longer on my mind. the weight in my heart is slowly lifting as well.

 

i'm hoping that once my ex leaves for london/europe that it will help me even more as she won't be in the country and there's no chance of me running into her in our part of brooklyn. we shall see.

[Diggitydave]

:

[Daddy Bear]

deej, have you given any thought to updating the avatar and sig that associate you with her? surely you are a lot more than just somebody's ex, right?

[deejay74]

jeez, first people suggested i change my name from "iwantherback" and now i am getting suggestions to change my avatar AND sig? lol!

 

yeah, i was thinking about changing my sig, but i love that pic. i actually have that on my friendster and myspace profiles! i have had that pic for a while now and i think the look on the monkey's face is so funny. i was trying to be humorous with it. i think i'll change my sig now though, i've just been lazy about doing it.

[Daddy Bear]

it is a cool pic, tru dat--as long as it's not a constant reminder to you of someone who didn't have the common courtesy to answer a polite and well-meaning email. (blocking=same thing)

 

as you put it: "i can't wait for the day when my ex is no longer on my mind."

[deejay74]

now i am starting to get angry.

 

she was online all day yesterday and i know this because she's still on my AIM. i saw her online for a really long time and she never replied to my email. just what i expected as you all know, but at first i was disappointed, now i am getting mad that she hasn't replied and i think this is good that i am feeling this way.

 

during the whole post-break up ordeal i've been going through, i never got mad at her.

 

i'm going to try and use this anger in a positive way by making me realize what type of person she really is, and hopefully it will facilitate me in getting over her completely. i am *this close* to a full recovery, i think.

[not2shy532]

im happy for you deejay that you didn't write to her again asking her why she didn't respond. you did the right thing trying to maintain a friendship with her and wanting to straighten things out. you acted very maturely the way you handled things. this feeling of anger will definitely help you on your way to a full recovery and her being out of the country will make you feel like you wont need to worry about running into her. at first it hurts terribly, i know, but it will get better. good luck!

[deejay74]

im happy for you deejay that you didn't write to her again asking her why she didn't respond. you did the right thing trying to maintain a friendship with her and wanting to straighten things out. you acted very maturely the way you handled things. this feeling of anger will definitely help you on your way to a full recovery and her being out of the country will make you feel like you wont need to worry about running into her. at first it hurts terribly, i know, but it will get better. good luck!

 

thanks for your support not2shy. i was really close to calling her the other day to double check that she got the email, but then i realized it would've been a dumb move.

 

man, i cannot believe it's may already. it seemed like when we were talking about my ex's trip to london back in early december, it seemed so far away, now she's leaving in 2 weeks.

 

this has been a pretty tough year so far, i hope this summer things turn around for me. i can only hope, right?

[Daddy Bear]

i hope this summer things turn around for me. i can only hope, right?

deej... based on what i've read, you're the kind of guy i would trust dating my sister, and i'm positive you won't have much trouble at all in finding an interesting and appreciative Brooklynette to share your free time with.

[deejay74]

you're the kind of guy i would trust dating my sister

 

maybe that's my problem!! hahaha, just kidding.

 

thanks for those kind words slightlybent, i appreciate it and i hope you're right.

 

in some way, i hope that my ex will regret her decision to get rid of me or realize that i was a good bf, and/or feel bad for not responding to my email. i won't hold my breath though!