He doesn't have any emotions?

[blemished]

My boyfriend broke up with me recently. (I am 28, he is 34). He has a history of failed relationships (which I am just now beginning to realize). I mistakenly thought this would change when we met, and so did he, according to what he said at the time. Many people around us tell me it is evident he cared about me (they said that before we broke up). Now he says he cannot feel emotions, at least sufficient enough to be with another person?

 

-Mar

[ocrob]

I am learning that we all have different feelings at different times depending on what is going on in our life. I can understand what you are going through because my ex girfriend broke my heart. We have not spoken in 4 months and I still miss her. With that being said, I will tell you what I think taking emotions out of the picture. You need to first ask yourself if this guy can give you what you want. I don't think any of us respond well to pressure. I had a second chance with my ex and I pressured her and it blew up in my face, which may have been a good thing. I suggest that you do not stay his friend and that you go NC. If you do talk to him, then I would tell him that you understand him needing space and that he should take that time to decide if a relationship with you is what he wants. I would not give any ultimatums or even bother telling him you will date other people and just tell him to think about things and you will do the same. It is so hard to give up something so special, but it has to be a good fit. Give him what he wants and do your own thing. Start asking yourself if he can give you what he wants. Let him take his time to figure out what he wants and you should do the same. In most cases guys change their mind a lot faster than women. Don't show him any attention and let him just think. I will guess that he will want you back, but you have to decide if you want him back.

 

Good luck!

 

ocrob

[Daddy Bear]

hmm. so if i understand you correctly, either he told you he loved you and he lied, or he told you he has no emotions and he lied. either way, it would be a dealbreaker for me. i'd have to put my money on the horse named "you can do better".

[GottaLetItBurn]

Yeah isn't it crazy how many ups and downs you go through. ONe minute you down and don't feel like having any fun or doing anything because they are gone. Then all of a sudden you see it in a new light and have piece of mind and are happy they are gone. Then back and forth..I know what you mean.

[Süsser Tod]

My boyfriend broke up with me recently. We were together for over 2.5 years, and it was the longest amount of time I have been with a person (I am in my 20's, he in his early 30's). He has a history of failed relationships (which I am just now beginning to realize).

 

 

I found that part of your post worrying. Let me tell you something, every person you date, will have a history of failed relationships. If you meet someone, and that someone had a previous relationship, then it is a failed relationship.

 

And even the persons that seem to be in a wonderfull relationship, can only say as much as that the current relationship hasn't been a failure, at least not yet, as it can blow anytime if something goes wrong.

 

You are not going to find anything as a true spiritual cosmical soulmate that dind't had any relationships (failures) just waiting for you.

[blemished]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. Keep 'em coming, I can use the advice! Let me clarify a couple of things:

 

Slightlybent: I totally agree with you. I think he DOES have emotions, but I think he is out of touch with them. I don't know why. I do think he loved me at one point, but maybe it was not enough for him to want to have me in his life?

What I am saying is that what does not make sense to me is how a human being can want to be alone and not have any loving relationships (he doesn't have many close friends, and his family is distant)? He says he will look into therapy for this....

 

ST: as for failed relationships, I should have been more clear. I meant failed relationships for similiar reasons. He seemed to not give any of his other relationships enough commitment, either. Although you could argue, one of them was a marriage, so the one time he did commit, it did not work out for him. So, I don't honestly know if it was the chicken or the egg, you know?

 

Maybe I can do better, yes. But I do love this person, and I enjoy being with him. I find we are compatible in some significant ways (I am selective, too). I wasn't ready to just throw out this relationship. I feel alienated, and bewildered at the loss.

[Daddy Bear]

what does not make sense to me is how a human being can want to be alone and not have any loving relationships (he doesn't have many close friends, and his family is distant)? He says he will look into therapy for this...

i'm not a doctor, nor do i play one on tv, but there is a condition that could explain this behavior. it's called ADP (antisocial personality disorder) and it affects about 2% of us. google it and see what you think.

 

Jumbo Huggies!

[blemished]

No, he doesn't exhibit any of those symptoms, haha. He is very upstanding, courteous, has a very respectful career, over-achiever, etc. I think he thinks we're just not a good couple, and that is coupled with perhaps not loving me enough to want to stay together. Wish I felt the same way.

[Movin on up]

I agree that you should practice NC with this guy. I know we wasn't giving you what you wanted out of your relationship but I suggest you look to yourself for fulfillment first. If you realize that nobody can complete you, that you are already complete by your self these situations( the fighting ) won't come up anymore. This seems like a far fetched idea but I'm trying this myself & I'm starting to feel better about myself & my ex. There are books you can read to achieve this only if you are open-minded enough to accept what is being taught. You are putting too much emphasis on him right now. Once you realize your own personal power. that you don't NEED anyone to make you happy you'll be better equipped to have this relationship or any other one for that matter. Good LUck!! Keep your chin up!! I hope this helped in some way.

[Süsser Tod]

i'm not a doctor, nor do i play one on tv, but there is a condition that could explain this behavior. it's called ADP (antisocial personality disorder) and it affects about 2% of us. google it and see what you think.

 

Jumbo Huggies!

 

I have APD plus bipolar and other things, I mention bipolar as when I'm down, it just makes the former worse. When I'm down I cant even stand the thought of talking to my gf, I just don't want her around, and in those moments I know I have to keep her away, because if not, I would dump her in a heartbeat.

 

I can say that I don't have any friends at all, it is really hard for me to make friends, as I keep people away from me, and the few that I made, were lost thanks to my controlling/possesive ex-girlfriend.

[blemished]

Movin'...I definitely have a sense of self, and am happy with my life and myself. Sorry if there was any misinterpretation...I meant I was unhappy with the way things were going (or not going) in the relationship. Which, I think, is a totally normal thing when things aren't the way you want them to be. If I had no will-power, I would have never said anything and let things continue as they were.

 

Ok, all you NC-fans, how do I achieve it? It's like a koan, because I don't think he will contact me, so the simple answer is to not contact him. Oh, but how I want to!

[Daddy Bear]

Ok, all you NC-fans, how do I achieve it?

just like quitting smoking, you don't have to DO anything. it's just a matter of willpower. having said that, i should admit that i can't seem to stop smokng, myself...

 

[aside to Tod: pretty sure i'm bipolar, too--or as i like to call it, 'love rollercoaster"]

[Belle]

blemished,

 

I don't think the antisocial thing is far fetched. My ex is highly antisocial and your guy sounds a lot like him. I chose to walk because I don't particularly care for his inability to relate to people. He relates well to me to a certain extent. But he's still always holding back and it's a very uneasy feeling to be around.

[thegoodgirl04]

I just broke up with someone who had a hard time dealing with his feelings, he was very cold (a lot of the men in his family are this way) and he admited that he pushes his feelings way deep inside never to deal with them, well let me tell you they do come out in other ways. He ended up being VERY passive aggressive and doing things that were hurtful to himself and me. Take my advice you deserve someone who will be willing to share their feelings with you and be open, it's not worth the heartache. I know it's sad but people ususally don't change especially if they don't want to.

[whoops]

did you go back to him then? i have same issue the things in the mans life were more important then me so he choose them and made me bin him - ah

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I just broke up with someone who had a hard time dealing with his feelings, he was very cold (a lot of the men in his family are this way) and he admited that he pushes his feelings way deep inside never to deal with them, well let me tell you they do come out in other ways. He ended up being VERY passive aggressive and doing things that were hurtful to himself and me.

 

Sounds exactly like the guy who recently broke my heart into a million pieces.