Breaking the habit.

[bcmb55]

This is my first time posting on here. Sparing the detials, my ex and I split 3 months or so ago after a 2 year relationship. It was a good relationship but difference in opinions and some other issues that weren't addressed when they should've been led to our break up. It's not my first break up and I know that you go through ups and downs and I've been fine at coping with these through the help of friends plus the fact that some really positive things have happened that keep the my outlook on things overall pretty good.

 

But there is one thing that keeps me from really getting over this and moving on, and that's why I figured it maybe better to get a more unbiased opinion from somewhere besides my friends and own thoughts. I'm finding more and more that despite it's been 3 months we are more integrated in one anothers lives than I thought. We have mutual friends and other obligations that place us in situations where interaction is inevitable. So talking is unavoidable at times, and sometimes yes by choice, on both sides. Problem is every now and then something pops up in conversation that'll trigger talk about feelings and the former relationship and we're both too stubborn to back down. It ends with us just getting aggravated with each other followed by a time of no to limited contact. Then it'll just keep happening again, not everytime we talk but it has a good half dozen times now.

 

Ultimately I don't know if we will or won't be able to reach a level where we can talk without the unneeded aggravation. I still have feelings for her and vice versa, so getting over this may lead to us working it out and getting back together. Not my goal really but I'm not going to fight the idea either. I would though like to be able to talk without this happening for the sake of day to day interactions. I asked her to hang out and explained that the idea is to start from square one, no talking about past issues or something that'll trigger an argument, just a chance to build a foundation to work from. I told her to think it over, this is right after one of these episodes, and let me know what she thinks about it. I'm not expecting a reply immediately or if at all. Does this sound like a good way at just learning to coexist? If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on the matter I'm game to listen to them cause I'm fresh out of ideas. Thanks for any info.

[Daddy Bear]

I asked her to hang out and explained that the idea is to start from square one, no talking about past issues or something that'll trigger an argument, just a chance to build a foundation to work from.

That's an entirely noble concept, but it didn't work for me. I'm guessing that the past issues to which you alluded have something to do with betrayal (it doesn't matter who did what to whom). In any case, hear me out:

 

I had been married about 14 years when the rug of trust and security got yanked out from under my feet. Sparks flew, accusations were hurled back and forth and then we settled in and watched TV. But the 900-lb. gorilla was never slain. We could go weeks without the subject coming up and then some trigger would summon the beast from dormancy and it would start all over again.

 

I tried to forgive. I told her I forgave. But the issue never really got resolved ("I'm sorry" could have gone a long way) and so the gorilla was always nearby. The ensuing years were never as good as those that preceded the betrayal because we both knew that Bobo could emerge from behind a door at any time and go on a rampage.

 

I rode out the storm until our younger son was on his own, then filed for divorce. The ex and I remain in contact but she's more like a sister to me now, and to this day I occasionally catch a whiff of ape stink in the air. [edit: i'm talking about the metaphorical gorilla, not my ex!!]

 

The moral to my story: it may be possible to bury the past, but first you'd better make damn good and sure that it's dead.

[Siriana]

Well it's a good idea, but I guess it's a little bit to soon to put that plan into action. It takes time to forget and forgive all the things that happened between two of you. I guess you still haven't done that but in time it will happened. If there are some triggers that still can provoke you, your ego's are still running a little bit high. it's completely normal - I am in a similar situation and from my experience with time everything will be just o.k.

[bcmb55]

Thanks. I agree with what you guys are saying. She hasn't called and I'm just going with the whole "let it be" attitude until both egos are off guard. Til then just got to do my own thing.

[bcmb55]

So now its been a while since I've talked to her or seen her. I've been busy with work and havent had the time to think about, thankfully. But I get this text message out of the blue asking me when I was gonna come pick my stuff up from her place. I know you can't really get a grasp of tone with a text message but the way she worded it seemed straight out combative. I remained calm and diffused it temporarily but I know it's coming again. Is she simply trying to get a rise out of me, keep her on my mind, what? Who cares if it's there another 2 weeks it's already been there for months? I'm gonna have to deal with the situation soon so any advice on how to proceed and come out of this confrontation calmly and maturely would be apprieciated.

[Siriana]

Well I don't know how many of your staff is at her home? 5, 10 boxes? When I broke with my boyfriend I never asked to pick up some of my things that I left in his appartment. And he never mentioned it to me.

Maybe she's trying to move on too and having your things around doesn't help. Maybe she's still not cool about everything that happened so she is making some excuse to hear from you - but that doesn't mean that she want to get back - some people just don't know when it's time to quit.

Maybe there is really a lot of your staff and she needs the space.

Who knows?

Just say you will pick your staff,* pick it up, and prepare yourself for 2 - 3 days of feeling little bit like s.... But just stay on your path, and after several days you will feel better. It will be a little set back for you but it has to be done.

*don't stay talking to her - just act normal and happy, pretending that you have somewhere else to be in like 20 minutes (or even don't lie, but really arrange something imediatelly after that - it will help you feel better, keeping your mind off her)

[Daddy Bear]

bcmb, i hear a cool-headed and rational person in your posts. i would presume that there was some bitterness behind the stark tone of her text but, as syrix said, stay on your path. i believe that you have the tools needed to keep things under control. it will help the situation enormously when she sees that you have no chip on your shoulder.

 

"kill 'em with kindness."

[bcmb55]

I honestly don't know what her motives are but at this point I'm not playing into her games. I set it up so she wont be around and I can be in and out without any interaction. I just left an IM saying that'll I'll be there to get it at some point tomorrow and i know she wont be around. Got an away message and dont really expect a response or hope for one. if she does, im curious to her response. May be insightful to what she's doing by this, give me some point of observatiton. Obviously she's lacking maturity in this situation, which is weird cause it's a bit of flip in character. But maybe this limited contact is getting to her? I dunno, any thoughts on the matter are welcome.

[bcmb55]

So I end up going to get my stuff and she is there. We end up talking for a while and even in a flirtatious way (wrestling, touching, etc). Since then we've talked almost everyday and have hung out a few times, and things seem to be getting better. I thought I've moved on and am ok with taking this at face value, but today I had a bad day and found that these feelings for her are still there and just wanted her to come over and just hold me and make me feel better. I haven't said anything about these feelings, I've been taking a "let it be " approach, trying to build a foundation to work from, and see what comes of it. But holding these feeling inside are hurting me and bringing me to this weak state of mind and I'm afraid that she'll see that I'm hurting. Should I just tell her how I'm feeling and risk the rejection or just chalk it up to a weak moment take a couple of days without contact and hope that I'll feel better and stronger in a few days? I want things to work out between us, I can tell there is something still there, but I don't know if she wants the same thing. Some of the things she says and does gives me these mixed signals. Like hanging out and talking daily then turning around and acting like she has better things to do. Ultimately, I'm afriad of being rejected by expressing my feelings, but I don't know if maybe it's what I need to do and see where I stand. This is probably pretty confusing and I apologize, but I guess what I'm getting at is should I show what I've got or give it more time to feel it out? Also is she just playing hard to get, confused, or just letting it fold out as well? I just dunno what to think here.

[Siriana]

If she is sending mixed signals, and not telling you she wants to be with you, that is actually reallity - she is sending mixed signals, and that means she is not telling you that she wants you back. No hidden agenda. Don't analyse the situation too much because you will become more and more confused and in pain.

 

Just curious a little bit? Who broke up ? You or she.

If it's been you than you should try talking to her (if she hasn't been happy about the brake up, of course), but if it's been her you need to think about it. basically, I think if a girl is sooo much into you that she will not be able to be dicreet about her feelings toward you no matter the circumstances. Only you know the reasons you two broke up and all the facts. Based on that you can figure out if you to start dating again, is it possible to have healty relationship, or same problems will rise once again.

 

You need to ask yourself how much of this stress you feel right now can you handle. Is it easier and healtier for you to go NC or to torture yourself with your strategy of coming back together? If you want closure - in a way to find out what is really happening you can ask directly - do you want us back together? But, be prepared that her answer might be a bad one too so you could be hurt. But asking is not so bad and it is brave because you could clear the situation up (and if the result isn't the best, your ego will be crushed-but that's not so hard to overcome)

 

Good luck, and inform us what happened

[NJRon]

Silence is truly golden.

 

The best way to avoid this is to not rise to the bait. Anytime it comes up, just say "I don't want to talk about that". That is your right and there is nothing wrong with it.

 

If she can't repsect that, then remove yourself (calmly and maturely) from the situation. If you want to be mature about it, you need to act mature. If you don't want to talk about the past, then you must keep yourself from talking about the past.

[bcmb55]

We'll the break up was pretty mutual. I mean that in the sense that she intiated it but it was definitely on my mind and I wasn't far off from it. I did the no contact thing for a while and I felt fine but she was always popping up un expectedly with the random text or IM. Those I could handle and we didn't hang out and it was never long conversations. We had our little arguments in between but never anything that drove us apart for good, admitedly those happened when I brought up more serious things which she obviously wasn't ready to discuss. Now, 4 months later, she's talking to me more frequently and asking to hang out and do things, just friendlike situations and never really "date" type things but we still have fun and harmlessly flirt nontheless. This has been only going on for about 2 weeks, so I feel like this is a period of feeling out the situation and looking for the potential of working it out or just moving on. I don't want to put any strain on the situation by bringing up serious topics, since this created issues in the past, nor does she I believe since she hasn't brought anything up yet. It's definitely a see what happens and where it goes situation, but my only question is whether this period of no contact has just triggered feelings that she misses having me to talk to or misses me in a deeper sense? This I don't know from limited expierience with deeling with exes, and don't ask her for reasons mentioned before. I was wondering if anyone would have some insight from personal expierience what's in her head before I start asking? Obviously my feelings toward the situation are biased and would like to hear another perspective. As of now, I've just been letting things pan out, see what happens with no pressure since I'm pretty sure were not 100% sure on what we want from it. Thats open to constructive criticism so feel free to share input. thanks.