still healing & hurting

[deejay74]

it's been almost 3.5 months since my ex broke up with me, almost 6 weeks of NC and a little bit longer since i saw my ex.

 

since the break up, i've done everything that people have recommended to get myself better (except breaking NC a few of times). i've been hanging out with friends as much as possible, i joined a gym, been focusing on myself, etc, etc. but i am still hurting inside.

 

i feel stronger than i did 1 or even 2 months ago but the past 2 weeks have been really bad. i've been missing my ex and thinking about her more and it's really bothering me. i know i've posted about this before last week but by now, i thought these feelings would have died back down.

 

even though i moved, ironically it's closer to my ex. i bought a bike over the weekend and was really excited about it and got together with a friend of mine and rode around prospect park. the only "problem" is now i live on the south side of the park and my ex lives on the north side. the whole time we were riding yesterday, i kept on wondering "what if i run into my ex here?" and it almost ruined the my time and i didn't realize how close i actually am to her.

 

today, i am not feeling well and didn' make it to work but spent all morning thinking about my ex and our relationship while in bed and started to get sad. i haven't done this in ages.

 

i know time heals all but it's gotten a little worse and i am concerned about the way i've been feeling the past 2 weeks. why does it feel like it's gotten worse instead of better?

[Dako]

Another dip in the rollercoaster.

Are those surprisingly sudden bouts of sadness getting further apart?

When they hit, it can seem like things are getting worse.

 

At one point, around 4 months I felt all better and ready to build a future, then suddenly wanted to give up and couldn't eat. I thought I'd just never get past it, but I did.

[deejay74]

Are those surprisingly sudden bouts of sadness getting further apart?

When they hit, it can seem like things are getting worse.

 

yes they are. i haven't felt this way in ages and it really sucks and yes, it feels like it has gotten slightly worse.

 

thanks for your reply dako - i've told this to you before, but you've been an inspiration. my relationship was barely a fraction of time compared to your marriage so if you can heal, it's inspiring to me.

[ut_longhorn]

3.5 months here as well. much better than before, but i still think about her all the time. im trying my best now to convince myself that things are over between her and i with no chance of reconciliation as i know that hope is something that will hold me back from my recovery.

[deejay74]

well it seems like today isn't really any better than what i have been going through the past couple of days and i've been posting on here for so long about my situation i am beginning to feel kind of like a pest here, but at this point, i really don't have anywhere else i can talk about things except with my therapist. i think my friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about this too and i now feel like i am bothering them - so if i am bothering anyone on here with my frequent posts, i am sorry, please skip over this one.

 

i am hoping that this "relapse" of sorts goes away soon because i honestly feel how i felt shortly after the break up and this feeling has lasted a few days now.

 

i had a session with my therapist this morning and she said that it's no longer about my ex anymore and that it's about what she and the relationship represents in me. she has mentioned this to me a little while ago. i agreed but also added that i simply miss my ex gf and miss her as a person which confuses the 2 issues.

 

anyway, i guess the point of this post is to get some of this anxiety and frustration out b/c i feel like i am being pulled in so many different directions emotionally. i am just so tired of feeling this way - sad, disappointed, low-self esteem, etc. - i mean enough is enough already! ](*,) i am literally getting to the point of desperation (i don't think i am feeling sorry for myself) to get her and the relationship out of my head and my system. and i am tired of riding this roller coaster, i've been on it for so long it's making me sick.

 

one last thing, i am not going to lie, i have always held onto this small glimmer of hope that someday i'll be able to reconcile with my ex and i want to abolish it but have been unable to.

 

how did i let this woman and the relationship affect me so much that 3.5 months later, i am still hurting and healing?

 

ugh. i miss her.

[kadvati79]

well it seems like today isn't really any better than what i have been going through the past couple of days and i've been posting on here for so long about my situation i am beginning to feel kind of like a pest here

 

Yeah sure, maybe for the last few days you have felt exactly the same as after the breakup - but there is one big difference. You have SURVIVED the last three and half months! And not every single moment was terrible.

 

i think my friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about this too and i now feel like i am bothering them

 

I doubt you are bothering them, but I bet they are concerned about you, your health, and your mental wellbeing. Thats what friends and family are for. But remember they cannot give you answers, we cannot give you answers, your therapist cannot give you answers. And your ex CANNOT give you answers. There are no real answers, only possibilities. Some more likely than others. Sometimes things happen for silly reasons but once they happen - well - they have happened and thats the way it is.

 

i am hoping that this "relapse" of sorts goes away soon because i honestly feel how i felt shortly after the break up and this feeling has lasted a few days now.

 

I am getting these, usually I have triggered it myself or something that reminds me of my ex. They do pass but they are hard. Its hard to stay motivated during these too.

 

anyway, i guess the point of this post is to get some of this anxiety and frustration out b/c i feel like i am being pulled in so many different directions emotionally. i am just so tired of feeling this way - sad, disappointed, low-self esteem, etc. - i mean enough is enough already! ](*,) i am literally getting to the point of desperation (i don't think i am feeling sorry for myself) to get her and the relationship out of my head and my system. and i am tired of riding this roller coaster, i've been on it for so long it's making me sick.

 

Make a commitment to yourself to get better. Are you going to the gym? Are you eating well? I find these are two things I can focus on even when I feel terrible. Then they have the by-product of actually MAKING me feel better. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for HER. Do you think she wants to be responsible for you spiriling into nothingness? How much do you really love her? Would you do anything for her? What if doing anything for her ment setting her free? I think thats the most selfless act a person can do.

 

one last thing, i am not going to lie, i have always held onto this small glimmer of hope that someday i'll be able to reconcile with my ex and i want to abolish it but have been unable to.

 

Moving on doesn't have to mean giving up. There may come a time and place when you feel it is appropriate to give up, but that is up to your heart to decide when to let go. If you try to let go to early, you will just place too much pressure on yourself and crumble.

 

You need to move on. But that doesn't mean there isn't any hope. Get yourself sorted man! Start TODAY. Start NOW. I really believe you can do it and I don't even know you. You have so much strength to love with, why not use some of that love and strength to drive you to make yourself better?

[deejay74]

Yeah sure, maybe for the last few days you have felt exactly the same as after the breakup - but there is one big difference. You have SURVIVED the last three and half months! And not every single moment was terrible.[/quote}

 

thanks for your reply ice, you always have great advice! i didn't think about that.

 

But remember they cannot give you answers, we cannot give you answers, your therapist cannot give you answers. And your ex CANNOT give you answers. There are no real answers, only possibilities. Some more likely than others. Sometimes things happen for silly reasons but once they happen - well - they have happened and thats the way it is.

 

i hear you, and that's why i am so frustrated with myself. the answer lies within me to move on and get over this completely but i have not found the answer yet. i think this goes deeper into my subconscious/personality/whatever and that's why i am having such a difficult time.

 

Make a commitment to yourself to get better. Are you going to the gym? Are you eating well? I find these are two things I can focus on even when I feel terrible. Then they have the by-product of actually MAKING me feel better. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for HER. Do you think she wants to be responsible for you spiriling into nothingness? How much do you really love her? Would you do anything for her? What if doing anything for her ment setting her free? I think thats the most selfless act a person can do.

 

you know, i thought i did make a commitment to myself. yes, i have been going to the gym. no, i really haven't been eating that well, not that i really ever did, but i am going to try now that you've mentioned this. it does make sense.

 

I don't know what my ex thinks anymore to be honest. I am sure she would feel some remorse if she knew what i have been going through. i agree setting her free is the most selfless act but as you know, it's so hard when you want them so badly. i haven't made any attempts in contacting her for almost 6 weeks, the longest i've gone with NC, i hope she notices this (in some sort of weird way).

 

Moving on doesn't have to mean giving up. There may come a time and place when you feel it is appropriate to give up, but that is up to your heart to decide when to let go. If you try to let go to early, you will just place too much pressure on yourself and crumble.

 

You need to move on. But that doesn't mean there isn't any hope. Get yourself sorted man! Start TODAY. Start NOW. I really believe you can do it and I don't even know you. You have so much strength to love with, why not use some of that love and strength to drive you to make yourself better?

 

thanks for the words of encouragement, i do appreciate it. i have been doing A LOT to improve myself over the past few months, i even moved - but there is still something inside of me that is refusing to completely let go.

 

i guess it was always easier for me to try and love someone else before loving myself completely and i am just now learning how to at the age of 31.

 

thanks again.

[possibiliti]

Stay positive and keep moving forward, Deejay.

 

Compared to your other postings months ago, your tone is calmer, and you appear more put together now. Do believe you are making progress, even they are just baby steps. Eventually you will go through it.

[deejay74]

Stay positive and keep moving forward, Deejay.

 

Compared to your other postings months ago, your tone is calmer, and you appear more put together now. Do believe you are making progress, even they are just baby steps. Eventually you will go through it.

 

thanks possibiliti. i guess this "dip" i am going through caught me by surprise and i am having to put more effort into getting through it.

 

the only other thing that is really bothering me is i have been thinking about my ex and missing her more as well. i am feeling this strong urge to send and email to her to see if we can meet up before she goes to london next month. i am concerned that she may not come back (she said she wouldn't if she gets offered a job there when her internship ends) and i would like to say good bye to her and leave things on a positive note, unlike our last conversation. i know a lot of people on here would say not to do it, but i feel i should.

[deejay74]

Keep up the improvements and kill that part that doesn't want to let her go. If you can eliminate the feeling telling you not to let go, you'll be in a much stronger position if she tries to come back. Then you can RATIONALLY think about the relationship without your heart tripping you up. In other words, you 'll see it how it really was...and decide whether you even want to give it another chance. YOU will then make the decisions for YOU, less influenced by an outside force or the other person.

 

how do you kill that part? i've been trying to find a way for months now, and i obviously haven't found a way.

[kadvati79]

Personally, I don't force myself to let go. It is a matter of baby steps. It was all too much to throw everything away, cause it called into question my very being. So I vowed to take a break from thinking about it for a few months. Now I am two months later, and instead of letting go, I am moving on. But I am acutely aware that I need to start examining the decision to let go. This is made difficult by strange behaviour from my ex that is tempting to think he may want to see how things stand. After all - this was always the plan after we broke up.

 

Do what you have to in order to survive. If you can't let her go, try and be happy for her. Realise that she is happy and that she wants you to be happy too. Letting someone go and be happy is one of the most selfless things you can do. It is perhaps one of the true tests of love.

 

I think you will suddenly let go of her when you least expect it. As rocker said, its the point you suddenly become objective about the whole thing and stop considering it from an emotional perspective.

 

Taking care of yourself

 

Its great you have been going to the gym. But GRRRRRR. Start eating right! Diet makes a MASSIVE difference too mood, to mental alertness, and has a large role to play in depression! EAT WELL, EAT REGULARY. Exercise is essentially useless without good diet as you are just wearing your body down.

 

There is a reason you are still holding on. Maybe its a future reconcilliation, maybe its because you haven't learned something you need to yet. In the past I have always found my subconscious holding on to hurt, pain, or love because I still needed to process it in some way. Focus on not *holding on to her* so tight in your mind, and you might find yourself letting go just a little...

[Dako]

When I starting listing my gripes about her, my mood improved greatly.

I didn't do it to convince myself she was awful, but to chip at her pedestal and get real. Ironically, when I see her I'm still impressed, but as a fellow human.