I feel strange...

[strndedbyluv]

I dont know if i should feel this way or not, and i need some other peoples opinions.

My boyfriend (we live together both 25y/o) has stayed at his moms overnite for at least once a week now for the past 3 weeks. She lives right accross the field from us. I can walk to the end of my drive and actually see the lights are still on in her house and its 3AM. Its not like he never gets to see her, and i understand he wants to spend time with her, but why does he have to spend the nite??? Cant he just stay till she goes to bed then come home to me, i mean he can literally walk home no prob, or drive right back? he knows i dont sleep when he is not here, and i am scared to death to be alone, and the dog barks all nite when hes gone scaring me more. but he still has continued to walk out of the house at 4 or 5 oclock saying im going to see mome, then call hours later and say hes spending the nite.

it just sucks.

i cant tell him how i feel about it, cause i dont even know why i frown upon it so much.

is it normal for him to do this? i mean he can see her anytime he wants to...why does he have to leave me at nite and spend the nite??? and is it normal for me to feel this way? would it bother anyone else?

 

let me just add one more thing as to why i may feel weird about it. when we were dating he would tell me to come over and wake him up when i got off of work...most of the time it would be at lunch noon, or so...and he would be alseep...in her bed...i use to still sleep in my mom and dads bed cause it was comforting...but i dont think i would now...it just creeps me out that he still feels the need to do this. t

[sidehop]

I'd feel weird too...being that you two are 25 years old, I could understand if he was doing this once in awhile (like every few months). Even though my parents live up north not too far away I don't go up there to spend a night each time I visit, if I do it's because my dog is up there & sometimes I just spend my time with her.

 

Don't get me wrong, it sounds like he has a great family but I feel that you should ask him, perhaps he's very close to them? It wouldn't ask to tell him how you feel.

[itsallgrand]

What exactly about it is bothering you? Can you pinpoint it?

 

Is it because he is spending so much time with his mother when he could be with you? Is it because you feel their relationship may be inappropriate? (Did he sleep in her bed with her in it?, type of thing, or other weird behavior). Is it because you are afraid of being alone?

 

Let's try and figure out what is bothering you, then we can figure out what you want to do.

 

Is he a mama's boy? I mean - the two of you are 25 and living together, and yet chose to live right next to the parent(s).

Most (not all) folks at this age like to put some distance and begin building their own life away from the family. I'm not saying cutting off the family: but a healthy distance.

[Momene]

People normally only stay overnight if their families are long distance. I agree that he should come home to you.

[strndedbyluv]

well let me try and explain it farther as best as i can. I dont want to think anything inappropriate is going on, but it just feels strange and creepy.

Its just her, his dad died when he was young, and she raised him and his 3 sisters, they all left home and NEVER hardly ever come home to visit. He has never moved out on his own, I have always lived down the street from him like 4 miles, but when i got a divorce and moved back to the same town, i found a place that just happened to be accross a feild and a rode from her house. He has just moved in and out with me for about 2 years now.

He doesnt have contact with anyone else, he only holds a job for about 3-4 months at a time, and now hasnt worked in 8-9months, he has social anxiety problems. I am not the least bit worried that he may be seeing someone else or talking on the phone over there, cause theres just no chance for that. I know for sure. I know i feel jealousy and like i have to compete with her or something to keep his time or something...i dunno how to explain it. I never really thought anything inappropriate but i just get a creepy feeling and now i sort of wonder if it could be something like that but it freaks me out and literally gives me chills, i cant explain. God i cant believe i even have to think something like this. But yes, they sleep in the same bed. Once when we were dating and making out in her room on her bed, cause her computer is at the end of the bed and we were looking at it, we got a little hot and heavy, and i felt weird, i said we couldnt do that in his moms bed. he laughed and said, "i know your gonna think this is weird but i dont care, i still sleep in bed with mom lotsa times, she keeps her bed neat, and so comfortable." and hes right, her bed is awesome and just cozy and homey feeling. So i just wrote it off as that. but now i am freaking out! Like the other day he went over to put up blinds for her,me and my sister saw him and he had on clothes, then when i went to tell her happy easter and give her an egg, he came to the door in his pj's and it looked like he was "aroused" she never came to the door or anything, i felt so uncomfortable! creep me out! i just go the heck outa there. god i dont want to be thinking this way. I have never even heard of people haveing feelings like this. Am i just imagining it cause I am so jealous and want his time?

edited in blue

[Momene]

I don't want to diss him but he's got serious maturity issues to deal with. And NO WAY would I share a bed with my daughter (now 15) and she'd say the same. I'm very close to her but we don't have this unhealthy co-dependency your boyfriend and his mum have.

 

Yes, there is a possibility that something inappropriate is going on but it's statistically unlikely (say 1 in 4 chance or less). I'd definitely expect some growing up from him if this is to stand any chance of going long term.

[somebrunette]

hey i really feel for you strndedbyluv, like dont get me wrong im not making accusations, but yeah you do have every right to feel a bit funny about this whole situation.. i would definitely if i was you. Now the whole thing could and most likely is completely innocent, but yeah you do have every right to be a bit iffy about it, you're not overreacting in my opinion

[strndedbyluv]

i just dont know how to talk to him about it. i havent said two words to him since he got home this morning, and he left a while ago cause he asked what i was being so stuck up about, and i said i didnt know i was. hes just left, he has no where to go but over there, and shes at work, so hes prob laying around watching a movie or something, just thinking this is gonna go away. but i dont know if i am gonna get over it this time

[itsallgrand]

I agree with the others. His mom and himself have developed an unhealthy codependency on each other - really, quite understandable given what they have been through as a family, but still it needs addressing.

 

More than likely, it is nothing sexually inappropriate. It's impossible to know: but the odds are quite small.

 

I would feel uncomfortable too. And I don't think you are over-reacting at all. You are beginning to realize how immature this guy is. It sounds like you'd like to be a family: have him home spending time with you, not feeling alone while with someone, etc. ALL perfectly fine things to ask for yourself.

 

This sort of complicated issues on his part do not vanish overnight. Given that he was willing to see it as a problem, and work very hard on it, and make all the changes necessary: it would still take a long time.

 

You're at a crossroads. Do you feel you could be happy with this man?

It would be a tough road. You have the option of moving on.

 

Please take care. I truly do feel for you. You're in a difficult spot.

[strndedbyluv]

well the crap hit the fan i guess...i still didnt speak to him when he came home a few hours ago. he just sat around on the computer playing his game, i cleaned, then did some work on my dissertation, then watched some tv...we didnt speak at all. its tense, finally he gets up about its 9:30 now and says "well, ill see ya later," and bends down like hes gonna kiss me or something.

i rolled my eyes in disgust and very hatefully said, "why dont you just take your stuff with you." he said "is that what you think this is about?"and walked off.

as he was walking out, i said"what else could it be about?" but he just keeps going and is out the door. I am guessing he was going to spend the nite over there, or something. I dunno, maybe he was just walking over there, but it being this late and me already fed up with it, i figured he was going to spend the nite AGAIN...ugh...now i guess he'll get his stuff later.

i am so heartbroken and sick about the whole thing. I really love him, but i cant keep taking this. I dont want to lose him, but it is so unhealthy for me to keep feeling this way.

[Momene]

I think you "feeling this way" is utterly appropriate for the situation. I think you've been too patient already.

[strndedbyluv]

Thanks everyone for all the comments. I was right he didnt come home last nite, and i have yet to see him. I think when he gets here, if he doesnt start to get his things first, i may just bluntly tell him how i am feeling, and that i think he needs to either grow up or get out. I am just a nervous wreck right now. this is not healthy at all. and this is not how i wanted to spend my spring break. he makes me so sick and mad. but i still love him and dont want to lose him, thats what makes me even sicker, that i cant just get over him. ugh!

[strndedbyluv]

yea, when he got here, it was basically over. he was like a different person. i think he may have smoked marijuana at his moms house. his eyes were so dark, and he was so mean and cold towards me, just after being so sweet before he left to go be with her...its terrible. i dont think i will make it thru this. one thing i didnt mention...the last time i went to his house his mom didnt come out and greet me or even say hello from the other room, he had his pj's on and seemed surprised. i was very uncomfortable. then today when we were arguing, he yelled at me that i had insinuated before that he was doing his mom. i never have! he said that he felt the tension when we were all in the room together, and maybe i didnt say it, but he knew i was thinking it. he thinks he is psychic or something....only he was cussing and now i am so freaked out. how could i have been with someone like that...is there something wrong with me, that i kinda knew something like this was going on and i just loved him so much and needed him that i didnt care???