how to get my gf to come out..

[lost and alone]

i have been with my gf for a little over a year now. Unfortunately, i have run into a few problems with her. For starters, she was sexually assaulted by her ex before me and because of that I believe she has a bad view on sex. I don't blame her, but i have tried to help her. She has told me that she has a "low" sex drive and i believe that is one of the reasons.

 

But now i'm totally confused! She does so many things! On one hand, if i bring up sex, she has told me that she doesn't particularly care for it and she gets nothing out of it. However, when we do mess around, she doesn't stop me(she says she "lets" me because she doesn't want me to get upset with her, but i have been turned down before by her and i HAVENT gotten upset) and she has had orgasms before. It's almost like she tries to play the tough guy by not admitting that she likes it or something. I guess this would be problem 1. How do i get her to stop doing this?

 

To make this matter more complicated, remember that she doesn't really "care for sex", now she was afraid to tell me this and i had to probe to get it out of her (again she didn't want me to get upset/hurt my feelings). But she has had fantasys of threesomes (mainly celeb crushes) no big deal. Again i was like how can this girl be like nah i dont like sex but then she has thoughts like this. Even now, she is now admitting to me (after a year mind you) that she likes to dress up like a hoochie lol. She would never cheat on me, i know this for a fact, but she loves the attention of when other guys look at her, i mean what girl doesn't?

 

When i try to tell her that she is freaky, she tells me no she isn't and she openly denies it! We were watching the wild wild west (one with will smith) and there is a room in the movie with chains and leather and stuff and she was like oh..and i could see a certain look in her eye (another side note, she liked this sexual swing thing that we saw at a sex shop once) and i could tell that she liked what she saw. I again told her she was freaky and AGAIN she was like no i'm not. I told her that there was nothing wrong with it, but how do i get her to come out of her shell? How do i get her to accept herself sexually?

 

This woman is very feminine and she believes that the man should make all the moves, hence i have always initiated sex. Even stuff like holding hands and kissing, i initiate 90% of the time. I would just like to find some way to allow her to accept herself sexually. For the longest time she didnt' "know" herself and in a way she still doesn't. I have seen her get mad before and i have asked her why and she will tell me she doesn't know why. She's a good person, but i just do not know what to do about this situation.

[itsallgrand]

I can't properly diagnose your gf, but it sounds like she needs council.

Big Time.

She displays a lot of classic behaviors of someone who does not have healthy boundaries, and is not able to express her sexuality.

Women who have suffered abuse often go to extremes: No sex or little sex or associating sexually with 'dirtiness', or they may act out the opposite way and become promiscious.

Her 'kinky' seems to be her repessed sexuality coming through the cracks. It may also be a sign of much deeper issues.

 

I can't be sure. Given what you have posted though; I think talking to professional would be very helpful to her.

 

take care